Epilogue
I’ve always had a special connection with the ocean. I was born by the sea, the rush of the waves in my ears before I’d even opened my eyes.
Back in Footdee, I’d sit in the sand watching the gulls, convinced I could fly if I just tried hard enough. I must’ve run that beach a thousand times with my arms stretched wide. Stupid things you do as a kid, but those dreams kept me going.
It means that as an adult, the ocean reminds me of a time when I could feel things without thinking myself to death. And when I couldn’t remind myself of the careless days anymore, I wanted for the water to take me. Just like it took my father. Just like it took my son.
But one day, at sunset, I’d stood staring at the ocean and I heard these feather-soft words at my ear asking,
“What are you grateful for?”
I’d said music. Something about Jay. A safe, general answer, because I couldn’t really remember what real gratitude was supposed to feel like.
But now—almost six months and a couple of crazy-ass life changes later—I do.
“Ask me again,” I tell Yosh.
Yosh pulls me back against his chest. “What are you grateful for?”
“I’m grateful for being here. I’m grateful to have my daughter back in my life, and my daughter’s daughter too.
I’m grateful for the music. For finally knowing who’s with me and who is not.
I’m grateful for Joan, Finn, Calvin, and Tarik.
I’m grateful SACS is expanding, even though Jay took it away from me.
I don’t care anymore. I’m here, and I’m grateful for that. ”
I smile at the sunset dipping beneath the horizon.
“And most of all, I’m grateful for you. Not just because you’re there when I need you, or because you chose me as your boyfriend, but because you’ve opened parts of me I thought were dead.
You made me want to make something of myself.
And that…that’s love to me. That’s you. I don’t know how to thank you for that, except to love you back with everything I’ve got. ”
I guide him into a kiss, letting my lips show exactly what I mean.
“Sapphire…” The word leaves him like a soft sigh from somewhere deep in his chest. His hand settles over mine, fingers curling around it, holding tight.
The tide rolls over Yosh’s feet, leaving a print in the sand that deepens the moment the white foamy wave pulls back.
I watch a couple more waves do the same. Give, take, give, take.
“This is what I pictured that night we got snowed in by the road. I kept seeing us like this again. Warmth, the beach, you and me with no one else around. I held onto that image the whole time you were on the other side of the world, but it felt impossible. I made it impossible because I couldn’t believe I could ever have you.
Everyone I’ve ever cared about has disappeared from my life, so why would this be any different?
But you came back to me. I love you so much, Sapphire.
I was afraid… but not anymore. Thank you for giving me back hope, and for not giving up on me. ”
I part my lips to apologize for not seeing his struggles, but then I feel his hand at the back of my neck.
There’s a small struggle with the clasp of the necklace.
Maybe he’s only taken it off once, when he gave it to me during those last months of learning who I was and trying to make things right.
Yosh holds the black triangular stone in his palm and runs his thumb over the smooth surface. The spot between his eyes shows lines of worry and deeper feelings.
“Hey, you don’t need to do this. I know it’s your favorite stone.”
“I have to. For us.”
He cups his hands and starts digging a hole in the sand. I help, pushing the sand aside.
I’ve never fully understood the whole idea of using crystals for protection or healing and all these tiny rituals that come with it, but that triangular fucker did something to me that night on the floor.
I don't know what to name it, but it comforted me in that moment, like I wasn’t as alone there on the floor.
So yes, it’s safe to say that I’m more open-minded to it now.
Yosh lowers the onyx into the little hollow we made, his fingers resting on it one last time as he looks up at the sky. He mouths a few soundless words before covering it with a handful of sand. I take a handful too, taking turns burying it.
I place my palm on the sand one last time. I’m not sure why, but something in me says I should.
“What do we do now?” I ask.
“We let it rest,” he says. “And we move on.”
“Okay.”
I watch him get up and walk back to our boards by the limestone wall. I can’t say I’m fully convinced about this, because I know he guarded that stone around his neck with his life.
And because of that, I guarded it with mine.
I look around and spot a small boulder further down the beach. It has a pointed top, similar to the crystal itself. I roll it into place like an X marking the spot, just in case he ever changes his mind.
Yosh picks up his board and gives the shoreline a long thoughtful look, reading the water to see how to tackle the waves today.
The wind keeps messing with his hair, so he ties it back with a scrunchie he digs out of his pocket.
He pulls on his Saint Luna Mermen surf shirt and I watch the serpent on his back disappear beneath the pastel purple fabric.
He’s right. Here we are. After all the shit that went down and every obstacle in our way, we’re exactly where we dreamed we could be.
I still don’t know what my future looks like. Jay shoved my face into a contract I apparently signed fifteen years ago which forbids me from doing half the things I love if I ever abandoned the pack. So yeah, I have to find my own way now.
I don’t care. I’m with the one I love.
Yosh lifts his board and glances over his shoulder to check on me.
“Coming, Sapphire?” he calls, picking up the one with Mount Fuji and the rising sun.
I jog after him, steal a kiss from his cheek, then snatch up my board.
“Last one in the water tops tonight!”
He shouts something after me, but I’m already halfway to the shore.
The gulls soar above me, following my run and joining the race.
At the waterline, I throw my board into the swells, spread my arms open wide, just like I’ve done a thousand times before.
It feels like I’m flying.
I am free.