Chapter 20
20
On Saturday, Eloise and I are visiting the very macabre but interesting Catacombs. I’ve always wanted to visit the underground ossuary that is a resting place for over six million people. While it sounds creepy, it’s a historical sight so well worth seeing and it’s different enough to appeal to a teenager. I want to reconnect with her after a busy week, where we didn’t see each other as much as usual because of my work commitments and her after school activities with my parents. We get tickets at the booth and join the queue that snakes around the attraction.
‘We’re going to be waiting forever. ’
‘The joy of living in Paris.’ The queues for museums are even worse, particularly on the first Sunday of every month where entry is free. ‘Did you get your art project finished last week?’
‘We did. It’s so lame though I doubt we’ll get good marks for it, but I just wanted out of the group.’
We shuffle forward a few steps. ‘So Léa’s behaviour hasn’t improved? ’
‘Nope.’
‘And you didn’t tell a teacher, or the school therapist?’
‘No. I mean, I’m sure the teachers see it too, but they pretend they can’t. If I say something, I’m likely to get blamed for bullying the girl who lost her mum, you know?’
It cannot be the case. I’m certain teachers wouldn’t ignore bad behaviour, even if the child is grieving. They would be mindful of the circumstances, but they still have a duty of care to all students. ‘Who are you sitting with at lunch then?’
She drops her gaze, skips ahead of me. ‘Lots of kids.’
‘ Eloise .’ My daughter is great at avoidance. ‘We promised each other no lies.’
She turns on the spot. ‘You say that and then you lie.’
‘What lie?’
‘Like you pretending you’re not into that Jude Law guy.’
I guffaw. ‘Lying about Henri being handsome-yet-infuriating isn’t really a lie, it was more me avoiding an uncomfortable truth.’
‘Oh?’ Eloise is in a weird mood today. One minute she seems energetic and carefree, the next like she wants to argue. ‘So you do like him? Great! ’ she screeches dramatically. ‘Now we’re going to be stuck here for the next five years.’
Does she think that’s my limit for how long a man will love me? I remind myself not to rise to the bait, but it takes an extreme amount of willpower. ‘Would it bother you if I dated then?’ I have no plans to, but I’m curious how she’ll answer. It’s not as if I’ve paraded a lot of men around her. There’s been one! Any casual dates before Alexander came along were kept away from home so as not to confuse Eloise.
‘What about the whole leaving London thing because “our life there had run its course”? That was another lie. You lost your business, your partner, everything, and instead you made it seem like you’d had enough of the place.’
I let out a frustrated sigh. ‘I’m the adult, Eloise, and I told you the bare bones of what happened, and I kept the worst of it from you for your own good.’
‘So you’re allowed to lie?’
I swallow down intense sadness. ‘I wasn’t lying, I was doing what I thought best while I was under a lot of pressure. You were already very distressed about leaving your friends; I didn’t want to lump you with my issues. To be frank, I was bloody heartbroken myself, El, and it took a lot of effort to pretend I wasn’t about to fall apart.’
‘Why don’t you ever tell me then?’ She deflates like the wind has left her sails. ‘You always act like nothing bothers you.’
‘You’re too young to be worrying about me.’ I’ve already told her more than I should have, but I want her to understand that I haven’t dragged her to Paris on a whim.
‘I wish you’d stop treating me like an enfant .’
‘What’s really going on here? This isn’t about me at all, is it?’
Her throat works as she fights off tears. I take her into my arms and hold her as she softly cries. This has been building for a while, disguised by hostility directed towards me.
‘Tell me,’ I say, speaking into her wavy locks as I hug her tight. ‘What’s making you so upset?’
‘I miss my friends. Like, I really, really miss them. Daisy and Harriet video called me last night and…’ Fresh sobs steal her voice.
‘And?’
‘And they were having a sleepover with a few girls from school and I felt so left out. Soon they’ll forget all about me, and don’t say it won’t happen because it will. It was the same when Bailey left.’ Bailey had been her best friend since nursery. He and his family relocated to Edinburgh last spring. ‘I haven’t spoken to him for months .’
‘That’s not true! You chatted on an Instagram post about that fantasy series on Netflix.’
‘Stalker, much?’
‘Good parenting, much ?’ It should be no surprise that I monitor her social media, but I was upfront about parental controls and she is well aware of it. ‘You know the “much” really doesn’t?—’
‘Don’t.’
‘Fine. You still chat to Bailey fairly often and I’m sure it’ll be the same with Daisy and Harriet.’
She pulls a lock of hair up and surveys the end in the way teenagers do. What are they looking for, split ends? The meaning of life? ‘A few comments on Insta every now and then isn’t the same. Daisy and Harriet are going to get closer while I’m stuck in Paris sitting with kids who don’t even know my name. Can we go back to London? Please? I’ll miss Mémère and Grandad, but I won’t miss this place.’
Oof. How do you explain to a teenage girl in crisis like this? She doesn’t understand the concept of giving it time because it feels so immediately awful, and in her mind there’s a simple solution – returning to her oldest friends who’ll welcome her with open arms. It hurts to see her tormented like this, but I know from personal experience of being the new kid far too many times that she will eventually find her way. I only hope it’s sooner rather than later.
‘I’m sorry, darling, I know this is a difficult period of adjustment for you, and actually for me too.’ Maybe it is time I am more honest with her about my feelings. ‘ I hate to see you upset. But truthfully, I want you to know that we can’t go back to London. This is home now. I know it’s not what you want to hear. If you give it time it will get better, it will. You’ll make new friends just as good as Daisy and?—’
‘No one will ever be as good as Daisy and Harriet. I hate my life!’ She’s too far gone to reason with now.
‘Ooh look, we’re getting closer.’
‘Who cares. I hate this place.’ Her face twists with rage; her eyes fill with tears. I don’t think I’ve quite hated Alexander for causing this upheaval as much as I do right now. It’s heart wrenching to see her struggling like this. How can I fix it? How can I be certain she will make friends as lovely as giggly Daisy and bookworm Harriet? They were three peas in a pod, and I ripped Eloise away. Her anguish is logical.
‘You’re right. This place is the worst, but we’re here now so we might as well visit and then we can make a list of everything we hate about it.’ There! Get on their level. Be supportive!
‘Urgh, Mum! That’s so lame.’
‘You’re right, that is lame. I’ve been reading books about navigating the teen years, but I swear their strategies only incite more venom from you. How could they get it so very wrong what with being child psychologists and all?’
Her face breaks into a smile that turns into a snort laugh. ‘Oh, Mum! Tell me you’re joking.’
‘ I’m not. I spent a fortune on those books!’
‘The nerd in you is strong.’
‘I always turn to books for answers, but perhaps I got it wrong this time.’
She bumps me with her hip. ‘At least you tried. I’m a brat but one day I won’t be.’
Out of the mouths of babes, eh? ‘I can hang on until then. ’
‘Let’s visit the underground caves. And then eat. I feel like crepes.’
I don’t highlight her contrary nature, I just roll with it. ‘Crepes it is.’