The Passion Parameter (Binary Hearts #2)

Chapter 01

S omewhere out there, a theory states that it takes half the length of a relationship to get over a breakup. For instance, a year-long relationship takes six months to grieve. That’s bullshit, though, or else I would have been over Lex a week ago. But I’m not. Far from it.

Maybe what the theory lacks is an analysis of different parameters and variables. If the relationship never actually started, how do you know what half of it is? If you see your ex on an almost daily basis, does it take longer to heal? More importantly, if we’re talking about your first love, can you ever get over it?

Those recurring thoughts have occupied my days for the past three weeks. But like a sadistic twist meant to add to my misery, time seems to have expanded, and it feels as if two months have passed since my heart broke into thousands of sharp and painful pieces.

But it’s been three lousy weeks, and I’m barely starting to feel better. Or rather, less terrible than initially. I still miss him. So much.

I miss feeling his stubble in my hands, hearing his low chuckles, cuddling up against him, our playful bantering, the dirty things he’d whisper to me during sex, the sense that I belonged to someone… I miss staring into his mesmerizing eyes, trying to understand the complex workings of his mind. I miss the need in his gaze whenever he was aroused and wanted me, the devotion with which we used to make love, those quiet, tender moments we shared right after climaxing together… I miss how he sometimes looked at me like I was his everything.

The only looks I get from him now are of apology or pity, and it’s unbearable. But maybe it’s what I deserve for falling so madly in love with a man who never loved me back.

“Andy?”

Mason shakes me out of my gloomy thoughts, calling out my name while pushing my headphones away. Given his worried eyes, I understand my melancholia was rather obvious.

“Are you okay, sis?” he asks, low enough so only I can hear.

Only then do I feel it. I’m crying. A tear is making its way down my cheek. Shit! I swiftly wipe it away, hoping no one else noticed.

It’s useless now that he saw me cry, but I still feel the need to pretend everything’s okay, as usual. I nod, hoping the smile I plastered on my face is at least a little convincing. “I’m good. Did you need something?”

“No, it’s just… I worry about you, girl. You’ve not been yourself for weeks. That asshole really did a number on you, didn’t he?”

My mouth opens to deny it, but nothing comes. Mace knows that the man I was seeing is ancient history. Or he would be if I didn’t work for him. I’ve never been very good at hiding my emotions, and after a couple of days of looking like my world had ended, Mace put two and two together. I’m pretty sure the rest of the dream team also knows, given the compassionate looks they sometimes give me, but they’ve never mentioned it.

Oli never told them anything. My worries that word would spread like wildfire were unfounded, and in retrospect, I should have known better. Oliver isn’t the type to ruin a woman’s reputation out of spite or jealousy. So he kept mine and Lex’s dirty little secret, and no one else knows what happened.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mason proposes.

I shake my head. I don’t want to talk about how I fell in love with our boss, ruined everything, and am now forced to see him every day, unable to get over him.

“Alright, I won’t press. But just know I’m here, girl.”

I give him a sheepish smile and return my attention to the screen, thankful. Despite his tendency to gossip, Mason has been nothing but supportive these past few weeks. Oli and I still haven’t sorted through that whole mess, and Mace has slowly become my closest colleague.

I’m elbow-deep in a script, with some random playlist blasting in my headphones, when someone appears in the doorframe of our office. I don’t even need to look to know who it is. I’d recognize that tall, imposing frame anywhere, even like this, in the far corner of my eye.

My entire body tenses before I can prevent it, and my hands freeze over my keyboard.

Don’t. Don’t look at him. It never feels good. It only hurts.

Trying to reason with myself is a lost cause as my eyes travel to the newcomer in less than a second. Fuck, why does he have to be so ridiculously handsome? He’s wearing a dark gray button-up, which means there’s some sort of important meeting today. It’s just tight enough to hug his muscular chest to perfection while remaining professional. With that, he has dark blue jeans, and I have seen those enough to know they do justice to his amazing ass. My gaze moves up, admiring his face from afar, already knowing it’ll only bring me sadness.

He’s wearing his glasses, but I can still see his intense eyes focused on his destination—which seems to be Brian. His hair is neater than usual, as if he passed a comb through it, not just his fingers. I guess it’s an important meeting.

I’m quickly distracted by the rest of his gorgeous face, bewitched by the familiar features. How pathetic is it that his tempting full lips and sharp jawline still make me weak in the knees?

As if he heard my thoughts, his gaze turns to me, taking me by surprise. Before I can look away, our eyes meet. Immediately, a heavy, unpleasant lump forms in my throat.

There it is. Another one of his looks full of pity.

I fucking hate those. So much so that I instantly tear my eyes away from his.

A couple of seconds. That’s all it takes to throw me back to the humiliating memory of his rejection, the painful reminder that the feelings I thought he had for me were all in my head.

It doesn’t matter how hard I try; I can’t focus anymore. Not with Lex in the same room, so close to me, helping Brian with something. At least the music blasting in my ears means I can’t hear his low voice, which would reach me otherwise.

To my great disappointment, the script I’m working on is trickier than I expected, and even with Joseph’s help, I can’t find a solution. An hour goes by, and I can’t tell if it’s because of my inability to focus or if the code is that complex.

I glimpse at Lex, who’s now working with Steven. He’s doing one of his rounds to help whoever is struggling. Just like I am. I hesitate, wondering if I should ask for his insight. It’s the standard procedure.

But all we’ve exchanged in the past three weeks were the usual “Hello” or a vague “How have you been?” always followed by a “Fine.” Asking him to come and help me out would force us to actually talk to each other, and I’m not sure I have the mental strength for it.

No, I don’t need him. I can do this. I’m smart and capable, and I’ll solve my issue on my own. I don’t need a man, especially not that man, to help me.

When he’s done with Steven, Lex moves on to Oliver for about ten minutes, then he comes to Mason, so close the music isn’t enough to stop the soft rasps of his baritone voice from reaching my ears.

Fuck, this isn’t sustainable .

When he gets up, I nearly sigh with relief. I pretend to be focused on my screen when he asks, “Does anyone else need help before I head back upstairs?”

I know I should speak up and ask him to come sit next to me and help with my problem for God knows how long, but I mentally cannot.

Joseph touches my shoulder to get my attention, and as I look away from my screen and push back my headphones, I understand he’s pointing at me.

“Andy has a problem with her script that we can’t figure out,” he signs to Lex.

Fuck.

Doing my best to hide the sheer panic flooding my brain, I turn to Lex, adamant to deny it. But Joseph would find it suspicious, and then Mason when he sees me struggling with the same script all day. Also, if I can’t fix it on my own, I’ll have to make Lex come back just for me or go to his office. There’s no way I’m letting that happen.

“Uh, yes, I-I can’t find the bug on this,” I reluctantly explain, pointing at the script on my screen.

Lex’s attention, which was on Joseph until now, slowly shifts to me. My body tenses, and my throat dries up. Fuck, I don’t want to do this. He almost seems to hesitate, his brow twitching imperceptibly. We still have to work together, so he can’t refuse. We both need to remain professional.

To my great relief, he eventually nods, moving to take his chair. My relief quickly vanishes as he rolls it beside me and sits on it. I can smell the scent of his soap, the heady perfume of his cologne… For the first time in forever, I can admire the finer details of his beautiful face, a painful reminder of what I’ve lost.

“What’s the problem?” he asks, stopping my racing mind at once.

Oh, right. The script. Thankfully, he’s looking at the screen, so he didn’t notice I was basically drooling over him.

“Steven updated parts of the recognition script, and this one doesn’t work anymore. I’m missing something, but I can’t figure out what.”

He nods and points to the keyboard and mouse. “May I?”

I move to the side, and as he rolls closer to the desktop, our knees graze. The slight jump of my body is pure reflex, and the faint shiver that runs through me is downright pathetic. Despite my best attempts, I’m not getting over Lex. I still want him. Still need him. And I could scream at myself for it.

I roll further to avoid another incident and watch as he goes over the code. Discreetly, I observe him, taking in his concentrated expression. Now that I’ve fallen in love with someone, I understand why Kate often got back with her asshole exes. As it turns out, love will do that to a person. Make you blind, make you stupid, make you miserable…

As I glance at the man next to me, I wonder if he is an asshole. He’s complicated, that’s for sure. Only God knows how his brain processes things. He likes control, being in charge, and planning things. On the other hand, love is unpredictable, chaotic, and unexpected. Nothing Lex would willingly subject himself to.

Of course, I had to fall for a man who can’t allow himself to love in return.

“It seems you were missing a couple of references from one of the new scripts Steven updated,” Lex explains, dragging my attention back to the screen. “I added them, so things should work just fine now.”

I frown as I read the lines he typed. What the hell? This is such a beginner mistake—coding 101. The disappointed look he gives me confirms it was a stupid error. Shit, will he think I lied just to get him to sit with me for a moment?

“I-I don’t understand. I’ve been struggling with this one for hours. Joseph couldn’t spot it either,” I try to justify.

“I get why Joseph wouldn’t catch it—it’s not his code or project. But I expected better from you, Walker.”

A mix of offense and outrage fills me, but before I can tell him we’re not all cold and calculating machines like him, I catch a twinkle in his eyes. He’s teasing me like he used to during our brief but intense weeks together. And somehow, that’s even worse.

I’m speechless, my mouth hanging with no words coming out. What the actual fuck? He gave up the right to be playful when he stomped all over my aching heart and threw me out of his life. It’s hard enough to get over him as it is. I don’t need him to make it even more difficult.

“I’ve been struggling with focusing lately,” I explain, holding his gaze with a harsh one, reminding him exactly who’s to blame.

Doubt overtakes his handsome features, and he recoils slightly, understanding he went too far. I can see that he tries to find something to say, but with the guys around us, there isn’t much he can do, is there?

“Thanks for your help,” I press, hoping to put an end to this weird moment. “I’m sorry I wasted your time with something so trivial.” Although I’m talking about the script, it feels like more.

And I think he catches that because something sad passes in his eyes. “It’s fine. We all have our off days,” he brushes off.

“Try an off month ,” I mumble, returning my attention to the screen.

Although I expect him to get up and leave, he doesn’t. Not right away, at least. He lingers there for a few seconds, and I wonder if Mace and Joseph can feel how charged the air gets around us. It takes everything in me not to look at him again, but I force myself to because I can’t take more of his pity.

Yes, sleeping with my boss was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. Yes, he warned me from the start. Yes, I knew I’d get hurt. But somewhere along the way, I began hoping that maybe our insane chemistry, the bond we shared, and our oh-so-perfect match in bed might lead to more than just a sex thing.

Whatever is holding him back seems to vanish as he stands from his chair and rolls it away. It’s only when he’s gone that I allow myself to breathe again. That wasn’t so bad, was it? We talked. We exchanged a few words. That’s progress, right?

But toward what? Mutual tolerance? That sounds awfully impersonal. But it’s still better than whatever’s going on right now.

What’s left of my morning is spent much more efficiently, and I work without a single issue. Mason is the one to pull me out of it when lunchtime comes.

Like every day, I reluctantly join them. I vaguely listen to their conversation as I eat my buttery noodles and rotisserie chicken thigh. They’re excited about the office Halloween party this Friday. I decided a while back that I wouldn’t go, even if it sounds like I’ll miss one hell of an evening. But I’m already forcing myself to come here every day for work. There’s no way I’ll add a Friday evening to my struggle.

“What are you coming as, sis?” Mason asks me out of the blue.

Shit. Well, thankfully, I have already prepared an excuse and will go to Portland to visit my parents for the weekend.

“Um… I’m not coming, actually.”

The guys answer with a collective protest. “No, you have to come!” Brian insists. “You have to see my costume!”

“Will it be better than last year’s?” Mason skeptically asks.

“Last year was on you, guys. My costume was amazing.”

“You came dressed as Robin Hood but then claimed you were Nammota,” Oliver points out.

“I had an Anonymous mask on and was holding a keyboard the whole time! And I even had a sticker that said ‘Hello, I’m Nammota.’”

“That’s not what a legendary hacker looks like!” Mace protests.

“Then what does he look like?”

“If the world knew, Nammota would be in jail, bitch. So, stop pretending your costume wasn’t dog shit, and stop changing the subject! Andy, boo, you have to come.”

Now that the attention is back on me, I wince. “I’m sorry, I already have things planned, and—”

Mason interrupts. “Oh, come on, girl. We’ll cheer you up. It’ll be fun. Everyone will be there, and the bar we’re going to has, like, four hundred different beers.”

He knows me too well because that beer argument almost works. An evening out with friends could do me some good. And if everyone’s going, it’ll be crowded, and I might barely cross paths with Lex. Knowing him, he’ll spend the evening in a dark corner anyway, brooding silently.

The guys catch my slight hesitation and smile in anticipated victory.

“I don’t even have a costume,” I try, still hesitant.

“Oh, please. You can whip one out in five minutes. We’re not going for the costumes; we’re going for the fun.”

“We were just talking about how great all of your costumes will be,” I remind Steven, skeptical.

“Yeah, but we’d rather have you costumeless than not have you at all, right?” Brian, Steven, and Joseph nod, agreeing with Mason.

I let out a breathy sigh. Four against one isn’t a fair fight. For the first time since we sat, I peer at Oli. Things are still awkward as hell between us, so when he offers me a small smile and a nod before saying, “You should come. It’ll be fun,” I lose my internal battle.

“Okay, I guess I’ll be partying with you, then,” I concede.

They cheer for a few seconds, victorious, and then they’re back to talking about their costumes. Fuck, I already regret giving in so easily.

The memory of what happened at the last Kelex costume party is still painfully fresh. Lex took me home that night, I tied him up to my bed, and then we made love for the first time. Well, maybe it wasn’t love after all, but something significant happened that evening, and I won’t let anything or anyone take that away from me.

Regardless of how miserable I feel, I don’t even wish I’d never met him. I don’t regret the moments we spent together, falling for him, or discovering how overwhelming and fulfilling love can be. It truly is a feeling like no other.

And it’s not like I ever even stood a chance. I had to fall in love with him because he’s the most unique, caring, and perfect man I’ve ever met.

Like they say, ’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, right?

Or at least it will be better once it stops hurting so damn much.