Chapter 05
S ince the abrupt ending of our relationship, I’ve felt sad, angry, desperate, helpless, and even hopeful. But ever since that moment in Lex’s office, I’ve been feeling… empty.
Knowing he’s going away doesn’t help. Not as much as it should, at least.
It’s as though I have nothing left to look forward to. Nothing to wait for. Nothing to keep me going.
I appreciate that he’s willing to go to the other end of the country to give me the space I need, but it doesn’t feel right. Of course, I don’t want to lose all this, but I’ve only been in Seattle for a few months while he’s lived here for most of his life. It should be me going away, especially since I’m the one who can’t get over him.
So, after an entire week of pondering, I’ve decided to spend my weekend looking for a new job. I promised to stay for now, but my conscience won’t let me. He can’t lose everything because I stupidly fell in love with him despite his many warnings.
That’s why, on Saturday morning, I’m sitting cross-legged on the couch with my computer while Tami does her nails with an episode of Scandal running on the TV. She hasn’t asked what I’m doing yet, but she’s used to seeing me work from home like this, so that’s probably what she thinks is happening—not that I’m looking for a new job.
I like Seattle, this place, and having her as a roommate, so I’m focusing my search on jobs around here. Being close to my parents and staying near the friends I’ve made would be better than starting over in a new place. But I’m also aware there might be better opportunities for me elsewhere, so I’m also checking out what’s available in the big tech hubs I’ve always considered for my future—Silicon Valley, Washington D.C., and New York .
No matter where I go, though, I’m abandoning my precious app. And that stings. It’s like losing custody of my child after a nasty divorce, and it’ll take me a while to get over it. But I’ll still earn a shit ton of royalties for it, as well as dividends from my Kelex shares. So not all is lost.
Between that and the money from the sale, from which I only took out the $43,785 I owed for my student loan, I can last a while without having to work again. Actually, I probably could stop working for the rest of my life. But not only do I love what I do, I also know that spending my days with my thumb up my ass won’t help me feel better about losing Lex.
So, I’m scrolling through job offers, pasting into a spreadsheet the ones that might fit. I’m not sure how I’ll justify my brief stay at Kelex, but I’ll find some excuse when the time comes.
I’m two hours deep when my phone buzzes on the coffee table. I mindlessly pick it up and read the notification. When I see the sender’s ID, I straighten up with a frown.
Michelle Langley
Hey, Andy. Not sure if you have my number saved, it’s Michelle. Are you available for lunch? I was supposed to meet with a friend who ended up booking an earlier flight. My treat!
I let out a light groan and stare at the ceiling, settling my phone on my stomach. I don’t feel like going out today, especially for some time with Michelle. She’s lovely, and we clicked well on that celebratory dinner months ago, but it’s weird. She has to know that Lex and I were kind of a thing. I don’t see Kevin not telling her. And she has to know we aren’t together anymore.
I’m about to refuse politely when she sends another text.
Michelle Langley
I realize it’s a little weird, but I was looking forward to spending a few hours with a face other than Kev’s and Maddy’s. Plus, seeing you earlier this week made me want to catch up.
Alright, now I’d be a bitch if I refused. And I can’t be a bitch to my boss’s wife, can I? Though I’m about to hand in my two weeks’ notice, so…
Ugh, with a resigned groan, I text her a reply.
Me
With pleasure! Do you have a place in mind?
Michelle Langley
I have a reservation for 12:30 downtown. Does that work for you ?
I check the time on my phone. It gives me a little under two hours to get to wherever she wants to meet. It’s doable, but it means I have to motivate my ass and get ready.
Me
12:30 sounds good to me. Send me the address, and I’ll be there!
I sigh, wondering what kind of fresh hell I’m getting myself into this time. Seriously, what will we talk about if not Lex?
T hank fuck I checked the restaurant she picked because it’s way fancier than I’m used to. But I’m ready for it, wearing a pretty peacock blue dress, nice shoes, and some golden jewelry I borrowed from Tami. It’s November, though, so I’m also wearing pantyhose and a coat. Still, it’s nice to not feel out of place for once.
Although I’m five minutes early, I spot Michelle already seated in the crowded restaurant—the massive stroller next to her table is hard to miss. After a deep breath, I walk in her direction. She notices me when I’m halfway there and offers a warm smile with a hand wave. I return both, and she stands up to greet me when I reach her.
“Thank you so much for coming on such short notice,” she says as she sits back down.
I remove my coat, and a waiter takes it away before I can set it on the empty seat next to mine. “I had nothing planned for today,” I tell Michelle while sitting, “besides watching TV and cooking chicken tacos for my roommate, so it was no problem.”
“Ah, I hope your roomie won’t miss your cooking skills.”
“I wouldn’t call them ‘skills,’ but I’ll cook tonight instead.”
The waiter returns to hand me the menu, which I promptly open. Now that I’m here, I regret not finding an excuse to refuse her offer. The vibe is weird, and I’d rather be home. But then, when don’t I?
“How have you been?” Michelle asks.
I flatten my menu in front of me, ready to spill out the usual lie. “Good. A little busy, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.”
“That’s nice to know,” she replies with a genuine smile.
“How about you? How’s postpartum life treating you?”
“It’s been… a little complicated, to be honest. Maddy is an angel during the day, but it’s like she’s saving up to be a little demon at night. I’ ve learned to nap when she’s sleeping, and Kev has thankfully been the best husband and father ever.”
“I don’t doubt it. He’s a good man.”
“He is.” Her loving grin is endearing, and I hope I’ll know the same kind of reciprocated love and adoration one day.
She bends to the side to check on her daughter, and I use that to continue reading the menu. “Can I be frank with you?” she asks when I’m down to the “Sides” portion.
There’s something in her demeanor that makes me uneasy. She looks… embarrassed. “Uh, yes,” I warily agree.
“I didn’t call you just to catch up.”
“Oh?”
“Yes, I—Well, first, I want you to know that I never would have done this if there was any other way. But Kev and I have tried everything for weeks, and we haven’t been able to…”
She doesn’t finish her sentence, but I know exactly where it was leading.
There’s a knot in my throat when I ask, “This is about Lex, isn’t it?”
She nods sheepishly, and I release a frustrated sigh.
“I am so sorry, Andrea. We’ve tried to talk to him, to understand what happened, what’s happening, but he hasn’t given us an inch. He’s Kev’s best friend and one of mine, and—We’re at the end of our ropes. He’s started drinking, which was never an issue before, and after your talk with him the other day, he told us he was moving to New York. And he hates New York, so that was our last straw.”
Her concerns for Lex have something dropping in my chest. I knew he wasn’t the same man I used to know, but I don’t think I realized just how much he’d changed. I kept my distance too much to notice.
“He’s a big man who can make his own decisions, you know,” I explain. “And whatever he’s going through, he did it to himself, so I’m not sure how I can help.”
“Believe me, I know he isn’t the easiest man to be with. I’m not putting any sort of blame on you. At all.”
Something in the way she said it makes an irrepressible question spurt out of me. “Were you and Lex ever a… thing?”
Her eyes widen with shock. “Oh, God, no. Never. But I was his therapist for a few years.”
It’s my turn to look surprised. “You were?”
“I was, but then I met Kev through him, and I got a little too close to Lex to keep working with him like that, so I referred him to a colleague of mine. And now… It’s the first time in over twenty years that he isn’t going to regular sessions, and it only adds to why we’re so worried about him. ”
Twenty years. Lex went to therapy for over twenty years… That’s… definitely not something I could have guessed. He never struck me as the most balanced person out there, given his mood swings and all. Maybe therapy doesn’t work, after all.
“Listen, I appreciate that you’re looking out for him like this. I really do. But again, I don’t know how I can help. He’s the one who broke it off, so I’m not sure how—”
“He did?” she cuts me off.
“Yeah. We had an argument, and he ended things when I came back to discuss it. Why? Did he say it was the other way around?”
She looks so confused with her jaw hanging, it’s almost funny. But the moment is too serious for that. “He hasn’t said anything .”
“Well, he’s the one who broke up with me, so whatever’s going on with him isn’t my fault.”
“It’s definitely because of you,” she counters pensively. “I mean that you’re at the heart of it, not that it’s your fault.”
As she tries to process this new information and what it implies, the waiter comes to take our orders. Because I haven’t had time to pick anything yet, I panic and ask for the Caesar salad. Fuck, all this and all I’ll have is lettuce and chicken…
“That man…” Michelle frustratedly mumbles once we’re alone again, shaking her head. “A decade of knowing him, three years as his therapist, and I still can’t understand him.”
“Definitely one of a kind,” I concur.
Her phone dings on the table next to her, and she checks it with a quick glance before dismissing it. She does a double take a fraction of a second later, and her eyes go round.
“Everything okay?” I ask.
“The friend who couldn’t come booked another flight. She just arrived,” she explains, looking behind me toward the entrance. “I’m so sorry, Andy. I swear this wasn’t planned.”
“It’s okay, I can leave.” Please, say yes…
“No, she’ll want to talk to you.”
What the fuck?!
Michelle looks toward the entrance behind me, seeking her friend, and a tense smile bends her lips as she waves. Curious and confused, I twist around in my chair to find the woman unexpectedly joining us. Tall, elegant, and slim, she’s easy to find among the seated guests. She looks professional in her dark pantsuit, light pink shirt underneath, and pointy heels. Her face is strikingly familiar, giving me the strangest feeling that I know her from somewhere. She has nicely arched eyebrows, full lips currently turned up into a genuine smile, a thin nose, a defined jawline, and light eyes. Her straight, dark hair is split in the middle, cut in an immaculate, angled bob at shoulder length.
“Hey there, hot mama,” the woman enthusiastically says when she reaches Michelle.
The latter embarrassedly stands to hug her. I sit there, trying so hard to remember where I know her from as the newcomer then focuses on little Maddy, sleeping in her stroller. It’s only when she turns to me that it hits me like a wrecking ball. I know those eyes. Intimately. I drowned in them for what felt like hours on end.
“You must be Andrea,” she greets me, extending her hand. “I’m Lucy. I’m—”
“You’re Lex’s sister,” I finish for her, stunned.
She seems surprised that I guessed, but how could I not? She’s the female version of Lex, but eight years older.
“I am, yes,” she confirms, her hand still reaching out for mine. I promptly shake it, remembering my manners.
What the hell is she doing here? How am I supposed to sit here with my ex’s sister and one of his best friends, like everything’s normal?
The waiter arrives right on time to get the long coat she removes, and as soon as she’s seated, he hands her a menu.
“We’ll talk about you and your precious girl in a minute,” she tells Michelle. “But first…” She’s beyond inquisitive as she turns to me, eyes scanning my face with intensity. “So, you’re the woman who broke my baby brother’s heart.”
Wow, so she doesn’t just look like Lex. She has his directness as well. “I—uh, I didn’t—”
“Lex is the one who broke it off,” Michelle explains in my stead.
Lucy’s surprise matches Michelle’s earlier. “Really? Well, well, well… The plot thickens, then.”
Several seconds pass, and I swear to god I can feel my heart in my throat, about to be puked all over the fancy dishes and bright white tablecloth. “I think I should go,” I say, grabbing my bag.
“Nonsense. I changed my flight to meet you, Andrea, so please, stay for a moment, at least.”
My eyebrows come together, wary. “You did?”
“Yes. It’s not every day I can meet a miracle-maker, after all.”
“And what miracle would that be?”
“Lucy, I don’t think it’s—” Michelle starts.
But Lucy ignores her, cutting her off with, “You made my brother fall in love, which is something I had given up on.”
My heart leaves my throat to drop low in my stomach, making me nauseous. What the fuck is happening? Lex doesn’t love me. He was very clear about that. It’s actually the whole reason why we’re in this mess, why I’m looking for another job far from him. So why the fuck would his sister assume he does?
When I gaze at Michelle, she offers me a supportive look, reaching over the table to lay a comforting hand over my balled fist. Shit, this entire situation is actually traumatizing. I need to get out of it now .
“I have to go,” I let out. “I’m sorry that Lex isn’t doing well. I truly am.” I pause, trying to calm down. My throat aches with the need to cry, and tears well up in my eyes. My period’s starting soon, so I’m way too fucking hormonal for this. “But I don’t think either of you realizes how broken that relationship has left me. I can’t sit here, debating whether or not he loved me when he told me himself he never did. I actually do, though, and I’m still trying to get over—”
“You love him?” Lucy asks.
“Yes.”
“Then what is wrong with him?” she frustratedly lets out, turning to Michelle.
“You, of all people, know exactly what is wrong with him.”
“Hm, right…” Lucy mumbles. “Did he actually say it?” she then asks me.
“Say what?”
“Did Lex actually say he didn’t love you?”
I remain silent, unsure if I should be offended or laugh. Does she want a drawing? Disconcerted, I stare at her, unsure why she’d want me to elaborate on that painful memory.
“Lex doesn’t lie,” she explains. “He learned a long time ago that silence can be a weapon just as efficient. He will purposefully omit things, but he won’t lie.”
I don’t want to let her words make sense, but my mind inevitably drifts back to the day my heart broke into a thousand sharp pieces. He didn’t say it. Not once. I was the one who did, and he never even nodded to confirm it. He remained silent, so I drew my own conclusions.
My eyes travel back and forth between them, trying to understand what the fuck is happening. I thought he loved me, and then I thought he didn’t. But now they’re saying that he does, in fact, love me?
Their compassionate smiles aren’t helping with my distress, especially since they look so sure about it.
“What the fuck?” I mutter to myself.
“Yeah, Alexander has that effect on people.”
“You really think he’s in love with me?”
“Kevin confirmed it,” Michelle explains with a nod.
“But why—Why would he—” I can’t talk, too overwhelmed. No way I’m having a meltdown in a crowded restaurant .
“I know my idiot brother can be a lot,” Lucy says, “and I can’t make excuses for his actions. He’s old enough to know when he’s gone too far. But in his defense, we grew up in a very messed up environment, and it was even harder for him than it was for me and our sisters.”
Everything in me wants to hear more. Lex has always been like a fortress, and something tells me he was barely starting to open up when things ended. He shared things with me, but I’m pretty sure I only scratched the surface. Lex’s psyche probably goes so much deeper than I ever imagined, and getting a look into it is incredibly tempting.
“Really?” I ask, even though I know I shouldn’t.
She grimaces as she says, “Our parents were never meant to have children, but they absolutely wanted a son, so they kept trying until he was born. When it turned out that he was a certified genius, they paraded him around like a show pony. What they failed to realize, though, was that his one-of-a-kind brain came with unique needs that they weren’t willing to meet. Nothing was ever simple for him. Every single thing always meant so much more.”
“I knew he was smart, but I never realized he was that smart,” I said, frowning.
“Our parents had him tested at least ten times. The lowest number was in the 170s, and the highest was 212. They settled on 189, I think.”
Holy shit… An IQ that high makes him one of the smartest people alive. Lex is way above Einstein and Hawking, and that triggers hundreds of questions. What is it like for him to be around ordinary people all the time? Why did he choose to become a computer engineer instead of working in quantum physics or something like that?
My amazement seems to amuse Lucy, and she gives me a friendly smile. “From what I’ve heard, you’re not too bad yourself. What’s your number?”
“Actually, I never took a test,” I admit. “My parents didn’t like the history behind IQ tests, and I never cared. I don’t need a number to tell me who I am.”
“I wish our parents felt the same way. Instead, they let those three digits rule everything, and they refused to acknowledge that Lex might be different in more ways than his extremely high intelligence. He was forced to skip grades his entire childhood, with no counseling or psychological support. Children can be cruel, and being younger than his classmates by a few years made him an easy target. Lex spent his childhood being a ‘freak’ to the other kids. He became out of touch with society, living in his own head, away from the others—a defense mechanism. By the time I stepped in and took him to see a therapist, the damage was already done.”
My heart aches like needles are piercing through it. “That must have been awful,” I say, my voice so small I’m surprised they even hear me.
“And on top of that, Lex has always been terrible at figuring people out,” Lucy explains. “Non-verbal cues don’t come naturally to him, but he’s learned to consciously analyze them. Most things would fly right over his head otherwise.”
She pauses, looking at me with a smile. “I think that’s why he reacted to you so strongly.”
“Me? What do you mean?”
“You’re very expressive, which makes it easy to read you. Imagine being stuck in a country where you don’t understand the language, and suddenly, you stumble upon someone who speaks English. That must feel godsent.”
Michelle nods at that.
So to him, I’m like… English in a land of Chinese? Okay, shit. I didn’t want to know that. I don’t want to hear how special I am to him, only to be reminded it still isn’t enough.
“Anyhow,” she continues, leaning back into her chair, “I’m not trying to make excuses for my brother—I don’t know what he did to you. But Lex has deep scars that date back to when he was a child, too smart, too awkward, too unprepared, and too young to fit. As a result, he has felt out of place his entire life.”
She turns to Michelle, conflicted. “I don’t have Shelly’s knowledge of the human mind, but I have almost thirty-five years of observation of that particular subject. And if I had to guess what’s going on in that brilliant, yet foolish, mind, I’d say he feels like he doesn’t deserve to be happy. He feels like the freak he’s been called too often, and he doesn’t feel worthy of you.”
“That’s what I think, too,” Michelle agrees.
The words affect me like a slap across the face. There’s no way they’re right. I’m not some kind of godly creature deserving of the most perfect person. He’s goddamn near that, regardless of his troubled past, or rather, in spite of it. Why would he ever think he wasn’t enough?
“He thinks I’m too good for him?” I ask, confused. They both nod, and I let out, “That’s bullshit.”
If they’re right, pushing me away wasn’t because he doesn’t want me but because he won’t impose on me the “freak” he sees himself as. What kind of fucked-up reasoning is that? How dare he make decisions for me?
Breaking my heart wasn’t an act of kindness or mercy. He wasn’t doing me a favor. He was being an idiot, and I’m not letting him think he did the right thing. What the actual fuck. I’m boiling inside, angry that any of this could be true.
Fuck this.
I need to know. I need him to tell me this isn’t the dumb reason I’ve been suffering for weeks.
The waiter arrives with our food, ripping me out of my fuming thoughts. “Have you made your choice, miss?” he asks Lucy.
There’s no way I can eat anything right now. I have to get out of here and confront a stupid genius. So, pointing at my plate and looking at Lucy, I ask, “Do you want my—”
“Yes, I’ll take it. Go.” Surprised, I blink a couple of times. Am I actually that easy to read? She reaches over to grab my plate and adds with a sly smile, “Say hi to my baby brother for me.”
“Uh, I will, yes,” I agree, grabbing my bag and standing up. “It was… insightful meeting you, Lucy. I’m not sure we’ll see each other again, but—”
“Oh, I think we will,” she counters. “Now, go knock some sense into that idiot.”
Shit, this is so, so weird. “I will.”
“Do it gently,” Michelle tries.
“I probably won’t. Thank you for the lunch and the stories. So much. I’ll see you around,” I conclude, leaving with determination.
If there’s any truth to what they said, if Lex loves me but is doing this to “spare” me, he’s in for a world of pain.