Chapter 24
W hile I was looking forward to cooking Lex’s weird choice of meal, I must admit this is much better. The caterers outdid themselves, and the five-course dinner is succulent and flawless. Every plate looks like something out of a three-star Michelin restaurant, and I can’t get enough of it. The avocado and salmon tartare they served first was a revelation, as was the quail in raspberry sauce that followed. For the main dish, we had a venison medallion and its roasted veggies and gratin dauphinois . It was to die for, and I want a swimming pool full of the gravy they served it with. The wine is perfectly paired with everything—and French, like the cheese plate before dessert.
The food is so entrancing that I almost forget about the small accessory Lex slipped inside me earlier. But any time I move, I’m reminded of it. And whenever Lex catches me wriggling on my chair to adjust myself, a crooked little smirk bends his lips.
I’m talking about my work at Kelex with Emilia when Julia next to me catches my attention. “Are you really moving back to Seattle next week?” she asks their mother.
Oh, what the fuck…
“You know I always come to spend a few months here every year,” Mrs. Coleman replies.
“You used to, but you haven’t done that in a while. Plus, you hate Seattle in the winter,” Lucy points out after wiping the corners of her mouth with her napkin.
“I despise this city regardless of the season.”
“Then why are you moving back?” Lex asks with irritation. His mother briefly turns to me, and the faint glimpse is enough to make my insides churn with anguish. Oh, shit .
“Someone needs to occupy the house every now and then since you refuse to live there.”
“You could also sell it,” he retorts. Everyone is eerily silent, focused on their exchange.
“I have friends here and events to attend. Like Evora’s gala, which I’m looking forward to. Did you know she was back in town?” she asks.
“Yes, we had dinner with her and Kevin.”
“Oh, she’s your old friend, right?” I ask Lex, finally feeling like I’m not completely lost. “The one you met with last Saturday.” He nods, visibly uncomfortable, his jaw tense.
“She’s more than that,” Mrs. Coleman corrects. “She’s practically family.”
“Mother, not now,” Lucy mutters.
“What? It isn’t a secret, is it? It’s a fact.”
Okay, now I’m lost again. More than ever, I feel like I don’t belong among Lex’s family. Our story is still fresh, so I lack a lot of context. Without breaking eye contact with me, Mrs. Coleman addresses her son again. “Alexander, is it a secret you and Evora were married?”
It’s so unexpected that her words don’t make sense for a few seconds. When they do, their meaning pierces through me like a sharp blade, tearing through the skin of my chest and right into the pumping organ there. What is she talking about? Lex was never married. He never even had a girlfriend before me.
Confused and distressed, I turn to him, expecting him to deny her lie. But the look he gives me isn’t reassuring or confident. It’s apologetic, ashamed. Blood leaves my face despite how hard my heart beats, its irregular rhythm thumping in my ears.
Fuck.
No, it’s not true.
It goes against everything he’s ever told me, every whisper he’s murmured into my ears. How often has he expressed how special and unique I am to him? That there’s never been anyone else like me? Just before dinner, he told me how I was his first everything.
The table is so quiet that all I can hear is the wild drumming of blood in my ears.
I stare at Lex, expecting him to deny once more. But the pure guilt all over his face is like the final nail. He was married to her. And he met her last week, with Kevin. He married her, and I feel cheated and duped. I’m not unique. I’m not as important as he pretended. He went through all this and more with another woman. Evora .
Everyone’s looking at me, and I feel sick. I need to get out of here.
“Andrea, I—” Lex starts with a shattered voice.
But I don’t let him finish, standing so abruptly that my chair falls back. Fuck, I forgot about that stupid fucking plug. “Excuse me,” I apologize with haste, walking off at a quick pace.
“Well done, mother,” Lucy says with sarcasm as I flee the scene.
With a hand on my stomach like it can appease the way my guts twist into tight knots, I seek a safe space away from everything.
This isn’t happening. Lex wasn’t married. Because if he was, then everything has been a lie the whole time. And I can’t cope with that. I just can’t.
My feet take me to Lex’s bedroom, but I realize it too late. This is a terrible idea, but I can’t go back out there. I feel angry, sad, betrayed, disappointed… How could he do this to me? To us? After everything we went through, how could he keep a secret like that from me?
I pace the room, trying to calm down and rationalize. But I’m hyperventilating, so my head spins and I can’t think straight. When the door opens behind me, I turn around in time to see him enter. His familiar presence, so comforting moments ago, is now an insult to me, my pride, and my dignity. He joins me with urgent steps, and when his hand reaches out for me, I jump back.
“Don’t you dare touch me.”
“Andrea, it isn’t what you think.”
“You weren’t married?” I want to believe him, but I also want to hurt him.
“Eva and I were married for less than a week.” Eva… He won’t call me Andy but uses her nickname.
“So you were fucking married.” My tone is harsh, venomous.
“It wasn’t what you think.” He tries to grab my arm again, but I prevent it with a warning glare.
“Stay the fuck away from me, Alexander.”
His jaw clenches with frustration. “Can we talk about this like adults?”
“Oh, now you want to act like an adult?! Adults communicate. They tell each other about things, like ex-fucking-spouses.”
“I was going to tell you.”
“When? There were hundreds of times where you could have.”
“I wanted to wait for the proper moment.”
“And when would that have been, Alexander?”
He passes a frustrated hand over his face, trying to find what to say to make me understand. “I didn’t tell you because it didn’t matter, Andrea. We got an annulment, so we were never legally married.”
“It still fucking matters, Lex!” I nearly shout. “It matters to me ! It matters because you lied, over and over again, when you told me I was the first to matter! ”
“I never lied! I meant those things, and this doesn’t negate their value.”
“Oh, but it does, Alexander. It really fucking does!”
“It wasn’t what you think,” he repeats, visibly desperate to reason with me.
“Then tell me. Help me understand what the fuck is happening.”
“We were friends, our families were close, we thought it was the right thing to do.”
“Who the fuck marries their friend like that?”
“We were… seeing each other.”
Oh, this is getting even worse. “You married a friend you were fucking? That sounds an awful lot like the average marriage.”
“It wasn’t. We were seeing each other, and we were engaged, and so we decided to get married because it was expected of us.”
“You were engaged?!” I shout. Anger burns inside me, scorching in its intensity. My tumultuous thoughts are too loud to process, and I feel so fucking lost and hurt.
“Andrea, can we not do this now? My family is outside, and this is none of their business.”
I shove his chest with all my strength. “Stop treating me like I’m a raging bitch! You fucking lied about everything . How many times, Lex? How many times have you told me you’ve never felt like this?” With every lie he’s told me, I slam my hands on his chest. My voice cracks, and my eyes fill up with tears. I’m so fucking stupid for falling for his lies. “That I was the first one, the most important one, the best thing that ever happened to you? That all those meaningful things you did with me you’d never done with anyone else?”
Lex grabs my wrists, and when I try to break free from his ironclad hold, he pins me to a wall. I grunt with resentment, completely stuck between his powerful body and the hard, cold plane on my back. I want to get away from him, to get out of this room, this apartment, the whole fucking building.
“You lied to me,” I whimper, barely containing a sob.
“I didn’t. All the things I told you, about my feelings, about you, about us… it’s all true. What Eva and I had wasn’t what you think. I never loved her as I love you. I never wanted her as I want you. You’re the center of my world, Andrea.”
Despite my tears, I can read the hurt and the turmoil in his gray eyes. I want to believe him, but I’m not sure I can ever trust his word again. He was married and never told me.
As silence stretches between us, I become alarmingly aware of the situation. He’s plastering me onto a wall, one he’s fucked me against in the past, his incredible body so close to mine I can feel every detail of it.
“You knew this wasn’t right. When your mother said it, you knew you messed up. If that woman meant nothing, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was scared you wouldn’t understand.”
“And can you blame me for it?”
“I’m not blaming you for anything, Andrea.”
Because he’s a smart man and because he knows my weaknesses too well, Lex bends to kiss the side of my throat tenderly. No, this isn’t fair. This is cheating. I’m still pissed at him, and this will only bring a brief moment of truce, a fleeting instant of pleasure. He lets go of my wrists but I don’t move, keeping them up on each side of me. Slowly, his hands raise my dress, uncovering my naked lower half.
“Lex, what are you doing?”
“Isn’t this what couples do? They argue, and then they have makeup sex.”
A trembling moan escapes me when he grabs my ass and presses me firmly against his hardening length. Fuck, this isn’t right. This isn’t the solution to our problem.
“It won’t fix anything,” I say.
My body, my fucking weak flesh, says something else entirely. I melt under his touch, one of my arms hooking around his neck to keep him close. When he reaches for his belt to unbuckle it with urgency, I use my free hand to help him. I don’t want this, but at the same time, I crave it. He lied and deceived, but I need to feel loved by him, to feel how much he wants me, how much he needs me. Sex with him feels normal, and I want that, even for a few minutes. It’ll be quick and rough, but it’ll help release some of these unbearable emotions, and then I’ll have a clearer mind.
Lex’s dick springs out, finally free, and I lower his slacks before he lifts me. I stare at the wall over his shoulder as I reach between us to align him with me. With one merciless thrust, he slams into me. Pain pierces through my flesh, intense and sharp. I’m not ready for him, barely wet and way too fucking tight for his impressive girth. The plug doesn’t help, making everything even more intense.
But this physical pain is so much easier to handle than the other one. It’s the perfect distraction from the way my heart aches. My Lex, was someone else’s. He had something special with another woman and married her. I’m not as unique and different as he pretended.
He doesn’t wait for me to get used to his size before pumping in and out of me. “Fucking plug… You’ve never been so fucking tight,” he groans. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I lie. “But fuck you. ”
“Andrea, I love you. The way I feel about you, I’ve never felt it for anyone. I didn’t know it was even possible until you came along.” He bends to take my lips, but I turn my face away, refusing him. “You’re being ridiculous. Why can’t you understand that Eva meant nothing?”
“Don’t say her fucking name when you’re inside me,” I hiss with a warning glare. His eyes turn dark with irritation at my lack of cooperation. “I told you it doesn’t work like this. Fucking me won’t make it go away.”
My stubbornness seems to turn this into a challenge. His relatively gentle pace turns bruising, as if he can make me forget about his ex-wife if he fucks me hard enough. Thankfully, I’m wet now, so it doesn’t hurt anymore, and his intense fucking brings nothing but wild pleasure.
Since I keep denying him my lips, he pushes my cleavage to the side and takes a nipple in his mouth instead, making me swallow back a moan. Like always, it’s so fucking good, but I refuse to show it. The plug in my ass makes it unbearably better, even with the pain that lingers from his forceful first thrust. I’ll feel the repeated assault of his unsparing cock for hours.
He tries to dominate me into submission and forgiveness, and I try to make him hurt like I’m hurting, showing the same savagery he does. I bite his shoulder, harshly tugging at his hair until he groans in pain. The harder I hurt him, the harder he fucks me.
It’s as if we’re hate-fucking, and I try not to think of it. It’s so fucking wrong.
The imperious thrusts, the ferocious momentum, and the damn plug bring me to my climax in no time, and I poorly muffle a shaky cry. The pleasure that ripples through me is bitter, like a fraud, like it shouldn’t be there. Lex uses my distracting orgasm to kiss me, his tongue forcing mine to yield, to accept him. I’m not in control of my own actions when I sink my teeth into his lower lip, deep enough to taste blood. He lets out a surprised grunt, his hold on me tightening.
He comes with jerky thrusts, pressing his forehead into the sweaty crook of my neck with low moans—so gratifying yet unwanted at the moment. As soon as the last tremor has run through him with an ultimate spurt of cum, I unwrap my legs from around his hips and push him away.
There. He fucked me like he wanted to, but it changed nothing.
Lex gently lets me down, and then his hand grazes my temple, pushing a stray curl away. “Andrea,” he starts, his voice low, soft, and so full of pain .
When I look up, his eyes beg me to forgive him. He’s so absurdly handsome despite his bloody and swollen lower lip. He is mine. Despite everything, he’ll always be mine. But right now, I can’t stay here, so close to him.
Ignoring the way my heart and my pussy ache, I slither away from him and rush to the bathroom. As soon as I’m inside, I lock the door and press my back against it. The handle turns beside me, and I close my eyes to ignore it.
His gentle tone is gone when he imperiously demands, “Andrea, open the door.”
“Leave me alone.”
“I will tear it down if I fucking have to. Open the door. We need to talk.”
“I don’t need to talk right now. I need to process that the love of my life has been lying to me all along.”
“I never lied!” he shouts, slamming the door with his fist. I can feel his pain deep in me. But I’m hurting, too, and I have the right to be.
“I need… I need to be alone, please.” My request is met with silence, and I wait, thinking he’ll eventually answer. When nothing comes and several seconds have passed, I worry. “Lex?”
“Tell me we will work things out,” he begs. “Promise you won’t leave me because of this, Andrea.”
His voice is irregular, as if he’s on the verge of crying. Covering my mouth with my hand, I muffle the sob that shakes me. A tear rolls down my cheek as a heavy and painful lump swells in my throat. I can’t live without him. Not anymore. He messed up and hurt me, but this isn’t the end of us. Just another bump in our very bumpy way to happiness.
We’ll work it out. He’ll make it make sense, and I’ll forgive him.
Letting my hand down, I take a deep breath and say, “I promise.”
“You won’t leave me?” he asks after a moment, so close to the panel his forehead must be right on it, inches away from me. My heart breaks further as I fight the urge to open the door and throw myself in his arms.
“I won’t. But I need to be alone for a moment.”
Another silence. Ten seconds that wreck me. “I love you, Andrea.”
More tears roll all the way to my chin. How can love hurt so much? Isn’t it supposed to be the best feeling in the world?
“I love you too,” I whisper, so low there’s no way he heard it.
Regardless of everything, I love him with all my heart.
T here’s blood. Right there on my cock, there’s blood smeared in the mix of my cum and hers. Refusing to accept the truth, I first think it’s because of her period. But it doesn’t add up since the last one was on our way to Seoul. It’s too soon.
This is the reason why all this felt so wrong, the reason she locked herself in the bathroom, refusing to talk to me.
I hurt her. I fucking hurt her. I never wanted to, but I have. The plug wasn’t the reason she felt so tight, but I was so fucking scared to lose her that I didn’t notice her discomfort and pain. I bruised her, made her bleed.
Because I can’t stomach the shameful sight any longer, I put myself back in my slacks. She’ll leave me for this. She has to. I’m fucking toxic. I’ll destroy her if she stays. And I can’t destroy her. She’s too important, too perfect. She’s Andrea, my little raccoon, my nerdy dork, and I hurt her. How could I do this to her? This woman only deserves love and adoration. Never pain, never brutality. She has to leave me. For both our sakes, she has to go. I’d rather live without her than see her ruined by my hands.
But without her, I’m nothing. She can’t leave me. I’ll make her forgive me. I’ll be the best fucking man who ever lived. The man she needs me to be, the one she deserves. I’d be anyone for her. But I fucking hurt her, physically and emotionally. I don’t deserve her. I never will. Ten fucking lifetimes wouldn’t suffice.
Pulling away from the door, I graze the wooden panel and leave to give her the space she requested. Tonight turned into a fucking mess, and the reason for it is right outside. Walking out of my room, I wipe away the tears smeared on my cheeks. I haven’t cried in nearly two decades, so the sensation feels foreign.
As soon as I return to my family, I bark, “Everybody out.”
They all look at me with widened eyes, like deer caught in the headlights. “Lex, you still have to blow out the candles,” Lucy argues, motioning toward the kitchen.
There’s a glazed cake covered in berries and candles on the counter. I reach it in four strides, pick it up, and throw the whole thing in the garbage, ignoring the shocked looks of the staff and the protests from my family. I’m fucking done with this entire evening.
“All of you, out,” I tell the caterers. Contrary to my family, they immediately comply, gathering the last of their things to hurriedly leave .
“Alex, you’re scaring the children,” Emilia protests. Frank and Patrick stand up and come toward me, probably to reason with me. Raising a warning hand in their direction, I stop their attempt at calming me.
“I don’t like surprises—never did, never will—so next time you all decide to come unannounced, fucking don’t,” I explain. “Now, get the fuck out of my house.”
They finally get the memo and stand to walk to their coats and scarves. Everyone except my mother. “Alexander, you’re being ridiculous,” she says with pinched lips.
I come near her, doing my best to contain my fury. “Listen, you can fuck with my head all you want, I don’t give a shit anymore. But you will not do the same to Andrea, you malignant bitch. I won’t let you spread your venom in her head. Do you understand me?”
The mask I’ve tried to see through my whole life cracks, and I get a glimpse of the insecure, weak, and nasty woman behind it.
“You’re taking this way too far. You can’t choose a nobody over your family.”
“That woman is everything to me,” I mutter, pointing back at where my bedroom is, where Andrea is alone and hurt. “Do not try to see how far I’d go for her because you wouldn’t like the answer. For that woman, that nobody , I’d burn the world to the fucking ground. Now, get the fuck out of my house before I lose it, Miriam.”
Of course, she wants to say something, but when I grab her arm to lift her, she shrugs my hand off and stands to join the others. Most of them are already out in the hallway, and Julia comes closer with a sheepish look on her face. “I’m really sorry, Alex. Lucy told us it was serious, but we didn’t realize how much exactly.”
I glare at Miriam, who’s putting on her coat with angry gestures. “She’s the only one, Julia,” I tell my sister. “If she forgives me after all this fucking mess, I’ll spend the rest of my days worshipping her. And if I’m lucky enough, I’ll marry her, she’ll have my children, and we’ll grow old together.”
The confession comes so easily that it shocks me as much as it does her. Julia’s the nearest to me in age, so I was closer to her growing up. Maybe that’s why I so effortlessly expressed the deep, secret thoughts I’ve never told anyone else.
My sister grabs my arm and squeezes gently. “I’m so sorry Mom did that.”
“And I’m sorry I reacted the way I did. I’m pissed at her. Not all of you.”
“This one’s on us. We know how you are, and we pushed you too far with this surprise. I’m sure the others will get it. ”
Miriam clears her throat, standing by the door as if waiting for something. If she expects an apology, too, she can keep waiting. “What are you waiting for? Get out,” I order.
With an embittered pout, she complies, and Julia follows her after one last compassionate smile at me. The door closes behind them just as Andrea walks in. She seems so broken and hurt that I want to punch myself for what I did to her. She avoids my gaze as she looks around, seeing that everyone has left.
“I should probably go, too,” she shyly says, ruining my hopes that we can fix this tonight.
“You aren’t staying?”
“I can’t, I… I need to be alone, Lex.”
“But we need to talk, to mend things.”
“We will, but not tonight. I’m exhausted, and I can’t think clearly.”
“When, then?”
“I don’t know. All I want right now is to go home.”
I don’t insist, believing she knows what’s best for herself. I accompany her to the door and help her with her coat, then I wrap her scarf around her neck. We stand there awkwardly. I don’t know what to say, what to do.
“Are you okay to drive?” I ask.
She nods, avoiding my eyes again. My hand lifts on its own to caress her cheek, wanting her to look at me, but I force it down before it can get there. “Text me when you’re home safe,” I whisper.
I should fucking say something, but I don’t know what. So I open the door for her and step to the side. Her eyes are wet with tears when she turns around, but they don’t spill over.
“Goodbye, Lex.”
Because it feels like I’ll never see her again, I press a long kiss on her forehead, trying to pass all the love and atonement I can. Then she walks out into the deserted hallway and I watch her, my heart tearing further with each of her steps.
She said we weren’t breaking up, but it feels an awful lot like it. And I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t even know if I should.
Maybe it’s better if I can’t ever hurt her again like I did tonight.