Chapter 9 #2
Every step I take toward him feels like a move toward doom.
Without this job, I can’t afford the mortgage.
Or the girls’ gymnastic lessons and everything that comes with their competitions.
Or the landscaper who comes once a week to make sure the lawn is cut to the proper specifications that goddamned HOA insists are necessary to keep our community looking the best it can be.
God, I hate when one of the board says those words. They always come attached to a tone that’s full of irritation mixed with condescension. Every single one of those people who lord the rules over us acts as if the Almighty himself placed them in their position of power. What a bunch of assholes!
All of this fills my head as I walk past my boss into his office. He closes the door behind us, which is never a good sign. Martin always kept the door open when he and Bryan would hang out in here. That’s how we all knew he was the favorite.
“I thought I should bring you in so we could have a talk this morning, Connor. How are you doing?”
Surprise stops me from answering for a few moments. How am I doing? Nobody’s asked me that since everything happened on Saturday. Not even Jamie has shown any concern for how I’m feeling.
He sits down behind his desk and smiles for the first time. “You look tired. This whole thing has taken a toll on you, I bet.”
I nod, unsure how to answer. If I complain about how I’m being treated, I’ll sound like a Grade A asshole considering Bryan’s dead. If I pretend like I’m fine, I’ll come off as cold and uncaring, like his horrible death hasn’t bothered me at all.
Martin leans forward and nods solemnly. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think you did anything to hurt Bryan. It’s not in your nature, Connor. It’s just not.”
My surprise morphs into genuine shock. “Really? Because everyone else thinks I killed him,” I say in a low voice, barely able to utter those horrible words.
“I know, and I’m sorry for the way they’re treating you.”
I let out a heavy sigh, finally able to feel some relief from how awful all this has been.
“I get it. It’s a small town we all live in.
They see the cops come to my house, so they assume the worst. I had hoped my coworkers would know me better than that, but at least you don’t think the worst of me. I appreciate that, Martin.”
He doesn’t respond, and for a few very long moments, we sit there in silence.
A feeling of awkwardness settles in between us in the quiet, and I can’t help but worry at any moment Martin is going to say as much as he hates to do this, he can’t have someone like me working for the company with all the discontent my being here is causing. I couldn’t blame him if he did.
But instead, he sighs and asks, “What happened? Can you tell me? I’m hearing all sorts of ridiculous and outrageous stories I can’t imagine are anything but ridiculous gossip.”
As much as I hate recounting every step of that horrible afternoon, I feel like I need to for the only person in the world I have supporting me. I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly as the memory of everything that happened fills my brain once more.
“Bryan and I decided to go for a hike. My kids had some of their friends over, and the last thing I wanted to do was listen to eight screaming and giggling girls for another minute longer. So I met him at the community center, and we set off on the trail right behind the building. We weren’t out there for long before we came to the clearing at the top of the first hill. ”
Martin nods. “I know exactly the place. Bryan convinced me to get off my duff one Sunday morning and go hiking with him, and we walked up to that same clearing. I was out of breath because I’m not in the kind of shape he is.”
Suddenly my boss stops and frowns, drawing his eyebrows in toward his nose in a deep grimace. “Was. I have to tell you I’m not sure I’m ever going to get used to talking about him in the past tense.”
I feel like I want to say I’m sorry, but I know that will sound like I’m guilty, so I simply force a tiny smile and nod. Martin closes his eyes, and I watch as he fights back tears. He and Bryan really must have been close.
When his grief subsides, he opens his eyes and says, “So what happened?”
“I don’t know, Martin. He was waving a gun around, chasing after some hedgehog he saw in the bushes.
It wasn’t doing anything. He just seemed to want to kill it.
He took a shot at it, and it ran away. He wanted to take another shot, but I said we should keep hiking.
I don’t know what he was thinking, but he waved the gun around again and I heard it go off.
The next thing I knew, he was on the ground with a shot to his chest. I didn’t have my phone, so I ran down to the community center.
But the police are telling me they think I shot him, that it has to be a murder and not a suicide.
I swear on my life I wouldn’t hurt Bryan.
I liked him. He was a good guy. Why would I want to do anything to him? ”
He nods while I try to explain everything and hope I don’t sound like a complete moron. It was suicide, not murder. I’d stake my life on that.
“The difference in the angle of the gunshot should be telling them it was self-inflicted,” my boss says.
I shrug, wishing I knew why they can’t see that.
“I don’t know why this has blown up into a huge case.
It was an accident. I don’t think Bryan meant to hurt himself or me, for that matter.
I think he believed he could handle a gun, and like it can, it went off when he didn’t expect it to.
I swear I wouldn’t kill a soul, Martin.”
“There’s no way you killed him. I don’t believe that, and I never will. You don’t have it in you to be a killer, Connor. I’d stake my entire life savings on that fact.”
“Well, I wish you were in charge of the investigation then because the cops are sure it’s me.
They told me I need to get a lawyer. I can’t afford that.
Between my house, my cars, and my kids’ extracurriculars, I barely have enough to put food on the table.
Jamie keeps telling me that it’s all going to pay off when the girls get into a college they want on a free ride for gymnastics, and all I can say is I hope to God that happens because if I have to pay for both of them to go to school after how much it cost to keep them in all the activities they’ve required all these years, I don’t know what I’m going to do. ”
My words begin to sound frantic as I explain how downright poor I am, and even though I should be embarrassed, I’m not. Being the only one who works in my family has become an albatross around my neck. I’m not ashamed to admit it or that I can’t pay for a lawyer, even if I need one.
Martin tries to calm me down with some kind words, but the reality is that’s my life.
I make good money, and it goes out as fast as it comes in.
Trying to explain that to my wife and kids is like talking to a brick wall.
They only see the things they need and want.
The truth that money only goes so far isn’t of any interest to them.
“Take it easy. It’s all going to be okay.
You’re going to be fine. The police are going to pull their heads out of their asses and figure out the truth of what happened to Bryan.
Just take a deep breath. Try to keep some perspective.
I know it’s hard, but you’re going to be okay.
You have a lovely wife and two beautiful girls.
Just focus on taking care of them. As for work and the people here, I’m going to have a conversation with the two or three I think are the ringleaders causing you trouble.
You shouldn’t have to dread coming to work.
No innocent man should. We’re a family here.
It’s time your coworkers remember that.”
What I dread is the idea of my boss getting involved at all.
Shaking my head, I say, “No, Martin. Please don’t.
That will only make things worse. People are going to believe what they believe.
We can’t change that. I had hoped they’d know better because they know the kind of person I am, but they’re free to think what they want.
I know I’m innocent, and I’m glad you think I am too. That’s enough for now.”
My boss’s expression fills with concern.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to see you become some office punching bag.
It’s not right, and it makes my job harder, to be honest. I’d like to say something to make sure they remember to act professionally.
No one is saying they need to throw you a party, but at the very least, I think they need to be reminded that no matter what happens, civility is the name of the game at this company. ”
I can see there’s no way I’m going to talk him out of having some big group meeting with the people in this office, so I merely smile and pray to God it won’t turn into some terrible thing that causes even more resentment toward me. I can’t afford to lose this job. I just can’t.
“Okay. Thanks, Martin. Break time is almost over, so I think I’m going to go back to my desk and see if I can get some work done. Our products don’t sell themselves, right?”
I punctuate my question with a smile that nearly kills me, but I force it anyway. He’s the only person in my corner right now, so I need to keep him happy.
As I stand to leave, he joins me and walks me to the door. Patting me on the shoulder, he says, “You’re a good person, Connor. I know this is going to work out for the best. The truth will prevail. Don’t worry. Karma always does her job.”
I head back to my desk with that last sentence of his ringing in my ears. Karma always does her job. Is that really true?
And if so, is that what’s happening to me now?