Chapter 17 Cassian
CASSIAN
We stand under the flow of hot water, our faces not an inch apart. She touches my cheek, her fingers trembling.
“I sometimes don’t understand why you want me,” she says.
“What kind of thing is that to say?”
“I’m broken, Cassian,” she says quietly. “You can’t ever fix me. The damage is too deep inside me.”
I brush hair from her face, and cup her cheeks.
“All that damage, Allegra, it’s what makes you you.
And I wouldn’t have you any other way. I wouldn’t want you any other way.
I don’t want to fix you. I don’t want to change a single thing about you.
I’ve been alone for a very long time. I thought I would always be alone.
Hell, I deserve to be. But then there you were, walking into that study with those wings on your back like a lost little angel.
I knew then. I fell then. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. ”
A fresh tear slides down her cheek. I watch its progress, lean in to kiss it, taste the salt of it.
“I love you,” I whisper against her ear. “I love you exactly as you are.”
She clings tighter to me. She doesn’t say the words, but I don’t need her to. I think I know her heart by now.
The water begins to cool, and I reluctantly switch off the shower. I wrap Allegra in a towel and dry her off.
“Where is my mother’s ring?” she asks, once we’re dressed as if just remembering it. I’ve been waiting for her to ask.
“I’ve got it in a safe place.”
“I want it.”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
That makes her pause. “It was her ring. It’s a part of her. I want it.”
“Not now. Let a little time pass.”
“No, Cassian, I—”
“Allegra,” I start, rubbing her arms. “Just give it a little time. Please.”
For a moment I’m not sure she will, but when she says what she says next, I know she’s choosing her battles. “I want to see Rami.”
“You don’t have to see him. Not ever.”
“I think I need to, Cassian.”
I consider her words. Did he lie when he said he raped her mother? Or did he tell the truth, and she knows? Either way, looking at her right now, I think she does need to see him. As much as I want to protect her from him, I think she needs this.
“I’ll take you down.”
We walk out of the bedroom. Neither of us looks at the bloody mess of Rami’s fingers on the floor and I ask Enzo to clean up, to flush them down the toilet for all I care.
I take Allegra to see him. Holding hands, fingers intertwined, we walk down the stairs together into that crypt and she doesn’t flinch at the sight of the first dead man. She steps over him, her eyes on Rami.
Rami who is still bleeding out. Who is almost gone.
I keep hold of her hand. Is it subconscious that I’m rubbing her ring finger? The rings I bought for us are upstairs, in my desk. This was all supposed to go so differently.
Allegra glances at the butcher’s block, the knife. If she feels anything at all at seeing them, I don’t see it on her face. Something has shifted for her. It’s as if that brokenness, that damage, she’s no longer fighting it. The opposite. She may be a little unhinged even. Just this side of wild.
When we get to the cell, I let go of her hand and follow her in.
She’s barefoot. We both are. When she steps in the blood oozing out of Rami, I reach to stop her thinking she hasn’t seen it, but I realize she knows full well.
She sees the blood and presses her bare feet in the puddle.
It shows her strength. Her overcoming one of the many monsters in her life.
She nudges him with her foot, pressing into his stomach. He whimpers. Good. He’s not dead yet.
She crouches down, blood staining the hem of her white dress. Did she choose it with this in mind? She grips him by his hair, and I don’t want her to touch him. I don’t want her anywhere near him. I want to carry her out of here. Away from all this blood. This violence. This death.
But this is us. This is the making of us. Better than the breaking.
Rami looks up at her, pain clear in his face.
Allegra looks straight back and, in her eyes, I see her hate.
“Did you wait for me to come to watch you die, bastard?” she asks him. He moves his mouth, trying to say something, but she doesn’t wait to hear it. She stands, rolls him onto his back and presses her foot into his stomach.
“Please,” he croaks.
She doesn’t react. Doesn’t even blink. Instead, she watches as the last of his life slips painfully from him.
When he’s gone, she turns to me. I watch her, studying her closely. My violent little Allegra. All that damage, doesn’t she know how fierce it makes her? How fucking beautiful?
“I need some air,” she says.
I nod. I am her servant. I will do anything for her. I walk her outside, out into the cemetery, past it through the woods toward the sound of the ocean crashing against the cliffs.
Once we get there, we stand watching the ocean for long, silent minutes before she finally turns to me. “The marriage… It wasn’t consummated. It’s not real.”
“It doesn’t matter because he’s going to die. I’m going to kill him.”
“But the family, if they knew what I wanted, maybe they wouldn’t follow him.” She knows his plan. She knows why he forced her hand in marriage.
“They won’t hear that, not yet. He can tell them anything he wants.
He’ll tell them I kidnapped you. Our families have never been friends.
We’ve only ever had a truce in place, but that truce is broken.
It was broken the day my shipment was seized.
If Malek can muster up enough men, enough loyalty, he’ll come in the name of taking you back.
He’s thought it all through. He arranged it all and who knows how long ago?
Michael paying back his debt to me. Him forcing you to marry him.
Leaving you for me to find. I knew there was a reason. I knew.”
“I’m sorry—”
“No. This is not your fault. I’m not going to say that again and I don’t want to hear you apologize for it ever again. Do you understand me?”
She nods. I know she does.
“I need to ask you about something, Allegra,” I say, thinking about what she said, how she said it. She looks leery, but I continue. “The marriage wasn’t consummated, but you said he would have. Tell me exactly what happened. What stopped him.”
“There was a call. I remember it was strange, all of it surreal. After he cut off my finger, even before, it was like going back and forth in time, my mind… it was hard to keep up. To tell what was real, what wasn’t.
But the phone rang, and I remember how out of place it was.
That’s why it stood out. Whoever called warned him to get out.
Then you came. I don’t know how much later, but you came. ”
“Did you hear the person on the phone?”
She shakes her head. “No. But wait.” She blinks, her forehead creasing as she thinks. “Earlier, a man came.”
“To the house?”
“Yes.”
“I forgot about it. How did I forget?”
“What man?”
“I don’t know who it was. I only heard his voice from a distance. I was in that room where you found me, but there’s a very small window at the far end. It was broken before, too, when mom and I…” she trails off. I give her a minute.
“Okay?”
She nods.
“What did you hear?”
“That Malek needed to hurry up and do what he planned. Malek said the man worked for him, but the man said he didn’t. He was angry.”
“Would you recognize his voice if you heard it again?”
“I think so? I’m not sure. I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right, sweetheart. It’s all right.”
She wraps her arms around me and buries her face in my neck. “Thank you for coming for me. Thank you for saving me.”
I hold her and she’s so small, so vulnerable. And I think. I think about the timing.
It wouldn’t have been Governor Moore. I don’t think he’d be stupid enough to cross me. Even if he was playing both sides, he’d be smart enough to keep his hands clean, at least as clean as necessary to come out on the winner’s side.
Besides, there were hours in between my visit to him and my arrival at the house and I saw the taillights of Malek’s car.
Who else knew where I was going? Enzo was in the hospital.
The soldiers took orders from me directly.
One of them could have sent a message. But Allegra said it was a call.
You can’t make that kind of call in a car with three others beside you and the way they fought, they’re loyal.
I know it in my gut just as I know Enzo is loyal.
Jet and I were together. Jet cares about Allegra and he cares about me.
How did I ever doubt that? I hate Severin, but I don’t think it was him.
The gun Gage had delivered was too conveniently his.
That convenience clears him. Severin is a distraction. Another one.
The thought that I’m running out of options plays across my mind again.
I set my chin on top of Allegra’s head and think. She shivers. I pull her close.
“Let’s go inside where it’s warm.” Where you’re safe.