Chapter Three
Lucian scowled. “I am quite certain that I have told you repeatedly that I do not want to be in society.”
“And yet, you are.” Lord Radcliffe shrugged as Lucian gestured to the footman to bring him another brandy, despising the lightness of his friend’s voice. Whites had been his refuge for the last hour, only for Lord Radcliffe to come in, spy him and then sit down without so much as a question as to whether or not Lucian desired company.
“I am not,” he grated, as the footman caught his eye and then nodded. “I have attended my cousin’s soiree and that is all I have done. I have no intention of returning to society again.”
Lord Radcliffe’s lips quirked. “And yet, are you not about to attend your cousin’s engagement ball ?”
Lucian gritted his teeth, irritated by his friend’s remarks even though he knew he spoke the truth. Lord and Lady Helensburgh – his uncle and aunt – had been delighted to see him in London. Lucian had only intended to call upon them once and then join them at the wedding ceremony but instead, had found himself welcomed into their house at the very time of the betrothal soiree. Of course, he had tried to excuse himself but his aunt and uncle had been quite determined for him to stay and the pressure they had brought to bear had meant that he had not been able to leave as he had wanted. That had been a weakness in him and Lucian had been more than a little irritated by it, for he had given in to their desires and wishes rather than following his own. Lord Radcliffe had been present also and had expressed not only surprise but delight upon seeing Lucian there, though Lucian had not himself expressed any joy.
“I understand that you did not expect nor want to be present at the soiree but your cousin was quite delighted with your presence,” his friend continued, as though he had been able to see what was in Lucian’s mind. “Surely you cannot refuse to attend the betrothal ball now?”
“I want to refuse,” Lucian replied, sharply. “I am here to attend the wedding, that is all.”
“But all the same, it is not about your own desires but the happiness that your presence will bring to Lady Anna, is it not?”
Closing his eyes, Lucian let the thread of anger in his chest stitch through his heart before he replied. “You are just as they are, Radcliffe, and I do not appreciate it.”
“They? ”
“My aunt and uncle,” Lucian continued, quickly. “They practically forced me to remain despite my own desire to quit the house. When I wrote to ask if I might call on them that evening, they did not tell me that the soiree was happening at the very same time! That was deceitful of them and brought me a great deal of upset.”
“Or,” his friend answered, quietly, “might it not be that they were simply eager for you to attend regardless?” He let out a sigh as Lucian shook his head. “I am sorry that you think so poorly of those around you, my friend. It seems wrong to suggest that your uncle and aunt are such people so you will not find me speaking such harsh words, I am afraid.”
Shrugging, Lucian ignored the dart of guilt which plunged into him.
“I know that it must have been rather trying to have so many glancing at you as they did,” Lord Radcliffe continued, despite the fact that Lucian scowled immediately and threw him a sharp look. “I have heard the whispers.”
Lucian let out a slow breath, his shoulders dropping. “Indeed, I have heard them also,” he admitted, a little heavily, choosing now to let go of some of the anger he felt in thinking about all that had taken place. “That is why you find me here for even the servants at my townhouse are whispering such rumours, I am sure of it!”
A look of sympathy crossed Lord Radcliffe’s expression but Lucian ignored it.
“The ton will simply have to accept that I am not about to be as they want me to be,” he continued, with a small shrug. “They desire for the Duke of Strathmore to be pleasant in both demeanour and conversation but they will find me greatly altered from the gentleman I was once. I have no desire for anyone’s company, no interest in sharing anyone’s joy or delight. Rather, I will be present for a short time in London, pursuing solely my own interests and attending what I must and, thereafter, returning home to solitude and quiet.” He spoke with fervency while, at the same time, feeling a deadening weight beginning to press over his soul. He wanted to push it aside, wanted to tell himself that he felt nothing aside from contentment at such a thought but instead, there came only a sense of dread. It was as though, in stating such things to Lord Radcliffe, his heart was trying to tell him the truth about what he really felt about his present circumstances – but Lucian was determined not to listen.
“I do not believe you.”
Lucian scowled and looked away.
“Besides which, you must marry at some point, yes? ”
“Marry?” Surprise jolted through Lucian as his friend nodded, looking a little confused as to why Lucian had responded in such a way. “Why ever should I do that?”
“Because you are a titled gentleman,” his friend answered, speaking slowly as though he wanted to make sure that all was explained to him carefully. “It is your responsibility.”
Shaking his head, Lucian took the glass of brandy from the footman and, in one gulp, threw the measure back before ordering another. The thought of marrying, the thought of even engaging himself to another, was so unsettling, it was as though a chill had wrapped around him tightly, making him shiver.
“I know that you feel a good deal of guilt as regards Lady Pearl,” Lord Radcliffe said, gently, “but that should not prevent you from doing your duty.”
“Duty?” Lucian spat, his gaze still away from his friend. “My duty will be to pass on the title to whoever is next in line.”
Silence told him of Lord Radcliffe’s astonishment but Lucian did not care. In these last few years, he had determined that he had no desire to marry again and, even if he did, he would deny himself the pleasure of a bride’s company in his life as a consequence of what he had done. It was a self-inflicted punishment, Lucian knew, but he wanted to feel the pain, the sting of loneliness over and over again in the hope that somehow, in some way, he might lessen the constant weight of guilt in his heart.
“My friend, you cannot.”
“I can and I have no interest in hearing –”
“Have you forgotten who is next to take the title, if you do not produce the heir?”
The question stopped Lucian dead, a heavy frown pulling at his forehead as he tried to recall who it was that would soon take on the title. Try as he might, he could not remember the name and after a few more moments, glanced to Lord Radcliffe. “I am afraid I do not.”
A darkness pulled into Lord Radcliffe’s expression. “You tell me that you are determined to remain unwed, to pass the title to the next in line while, at the very same time, having no thought as to who that is?” he asked, as a sweeping sense of shame crashed into Lucian’s chest. “I recall it, for I remember your father speaking to me about him, telling me how grateful he was to God for giving him a son and heir.”
Lucian swallowed tightly, searching his mind, desperate for even the smallest hint of recollection but his thoughts were too many, his mind feeling thick and sluggish .
“Lord Terrance Valiant,” Lord Radcliffe said slowly, as Lucian’s heart began to beat in a panicked rhythm, suddenly remembering everything in one moment. “How little his character resembles his name!”
Lucian let out a low groan and rubbed one hand over his face.
“You remember now, then?”
“Yes, I do.” Seeing the footman approaching, Lucian reached for the glass but this time, did not throw it back as he had done before. Instead, he let his gaze settle on the amber liquid there, swirling it gently and watching it as it moved. “Lord Valiant is a weak and cowardly man, heavily in debt from what I recall and with his estate falling into decay around him.”
“And his only son doing the very same as his father,” added Lord Radcliffe, scowling. “I saw him only a sennight ago, playing cards with a good many gentlemen and thereafter, writing them all promissory notes for he had no coin with which to pay them! That is the gentleman you would be handing the title too, my dear friend. I confess, I am astonished to hear you say that you would give all that you have – all that your father and his father before him had also – to such an unworthy character.”
Swallowing thickly, Lucian closed his eyes and shuddered, recognizing the difficulty which lay before him. Why had he not thought of such a thing before? Had it been simply because of his grief and his guilt that he had not recalled the gentleman? Surely it could not be that he had been so forgetful!
“Are you still determined not to marry?”
“I cannot.” The words came quickly but Lucian let out a low groan and then rubbed one hand over his face as a long, slow breath escaped him. “That is to say, I have no wish to marry.”
A slight smile touched the edge of Lord Radcliffe’s lips. “But does that mean you are now considering that you might?”
“I may have to,” Lucian answered, another tremor running through him. “But what is it that I am to offer a young lady? A gentleman who has no desire to wed but who must do so regardless? A gentleman who wishes to be left alone for as much of the day as he can, who will do only what has to be done to produce the heir and nothing more?”
Lord Radcliffe’s eyebrows lifted.
“I have no desire to marry,” Lucian said again, as though his friend had not understood him the first few times he had said those words. “The thought of taking a wife is dreadful indeed for I do not deserve to have such a companion beside me, not after what I did with Lady Pearl. But now that you have shown me what will happen to the title if I do not, I fear as though I must! ”
“And you are in the right place to be able to find a bride, despite the lack of pleasure and happiness you are to offer her,” Lord Radcliffe answered, dryly. “I am afraid that, since society has a certain understanding of your reputation, you may find it a good deal more difficult to secure a bride despite your standing and fortune.”
Lucian’s lip curled. “I do not think that courtship or the like is what I shall pursue. Instead, I will seek a marriage of convenience, securing the engagement with the lady’s father rather than with her.”
“You will?” Lord Radcliffe’s eyes rounded as Lucian nodded, clearly just as surprised as Lucian felt at his sudden change of heart. “Do you think that a gentleman of quality would not know of your reputation? Or is it that you think they will not care?”
A slight jab of irritation made Lucian’s lip curl. “I do not know what any gentleman might say,” he answered, a little frostily, “but there is bound to be some gentleman who would be more than willing to secure his daughter to me. After all, I am still a Duke.” Seeing his friend wince, Lucian’s scowl returned with force. “What is it that troubles you, Radcliffe? I have been convinced by your arguments that I ought to wed, what more can you want?”
Lord Radcliffe looked back at him steadily for a long moment, one finger at his lips before, with a sigh, he shook his head. “You will not be pleased with what I have to say, I know, but I confess that I feel a concern for whichever young lady you wed. I do hope that she will be suitable for you, of course, but my heart does soften in sympathy for her, whoever she may be.”
“Why?” Lucian, not understanding, frowned heavily. “She will be marrying a Duke, be mistress of a large estate and have all the coin she might wish for. What could possibly trouble her – or you – in that regard?”
“Because I think of the lady herself,” came the reply, as Lucian drew his brows together all the more. “To be first told by one’s father whom she is to marry, only to then discover that while you are a Duke, you are also irritable, angry, frustrated, unwelcoming and keenly disinclined towards her company will be very difficult indeed.” His shoulders lifted. “Truth be told, I confess myself to being a little concerned for what that might do to this young lady. Though mayhap, in time, you will come to have a change of heart as regards your standing with the lady. I can but hope, at least.”
Lucian took this in but said nothing, feeling his heart quail with a sudden uncertainty though he tried to clear that sensation just as quickly as he could. Clearing his throat, he shrugged and chose not to say anything, taking a sip of his brandy instead – but the words of his friend remained .
“I shall take my leave,” Lord Radcliffe murmured, rising from his chair, a look of concern still etched on his face. “Good evening, Strathmore. I shall leave you to your own company.”
“I thank you. It is what I have been eager for through this entire conversation.”
The words burned on Lucian’s lips as he spoke and almost immediately, regret followed. He had not intended to be so harsh or so indifferent, but what Lord Radcliffe had communicated regarding any prospective bride had evidently incited a considerable degree of ire in Lucian.
Anger which he had now used to lash out at his friend.
Lord Radcliffe looked back at Lucian steadily, though Lucian could see the hurt which dashed across his expression. Then, without a word, he turned on his heel and began to walk away.
“Radcliffe!” Lucian got to his feet, upset at himself and at his callous behavior. “Radcliffe, please. I did not mean it. I –”
His friend did not so much as raise a hand to him. Instead, he continued his way out of Whites, the door closing behind him as Lucian closed his eyes.
A long, heavy breath escaped him, his anger and frustration now dissipating entirely, leaving him with nothing but an emptiness, a hollow within himself which made him want to crumple back down into a seat, burrowing himself away in the darkness and solitude. But suddenly, the solitude did not seem as delightful any longer, no longer holding out the warmth and embrace he had been expecting. It felt cold, rushing over him like a wind that stole every bit of warmth from him. Lucian’s jaw set tight, fighting the urge to rush after his friend, to apologise profusely and to beg him for forgiveness. If he did so, he feared he might lose himself in some way, perhaps breaking open the pain and the agony he had kept within his heart ever since Lady Pearl’s passing.
“Another.”
Wearily, Lucian gestured to the footman and then went to sit back down in his chair. The flickering flames of the fire in the corner of the room did nothing to light his spirits, the heaviness of his soul burning in on him.
And, Lucian knew, his eyes closing as he rested his head back against the chair, he had brought all of it upon himself.