Chapter 47
Forty-Seven
Gemma
I take a few breaths while trying to ignore Ray staring at the back of my head.
Beanie is the only thing I should think about.
Breathe in and then out. As I regain a little bit of control, I step carefully across the lane, not wanting to slip.
Just a few more hours and Beanie, the kids and I will be safe.
Stuff Zoe. Stuff them all. I’m done with making myself ill over these people.
Being here is too hard, but then again, when someone is out there laying the poison down, no one is going to be on my side.
Ruby steps off her drive onto the path. Her gaze fixes on mine to the point I feel uncomfortable, then she checks her post box and walks up the path, towards the lake.
My feet are buried in the snow.
Cora cries from inside and my heart skips a beat because all I want is to hold my baby girl close and tell her that everything will be okay.
I’ve missed my children while in hospital.
As for Morgan, I’ll have to speak to her about the den but not until I’ve hugged her too.
It’s my fault. I allowed Ethan to convince me to bring them here and now I regret not fighting harder against this move.
I turn my key in the lock. It clicks as it releases then I step in.
Clover House doesn’t and never has felt like home.
It has this vibe that screams, You are unwelcome, go home, leave now while you still can.
All the hope I had in me when stepping through the door, the dreams of making a shedload of money from this place – they’re all gone.
All I have is this burning desire to escape before my family meets the same fate as Aunt Dorette.
Along with Cora’s shrieks echoing through the stairwell, I hear Morgan humming the theme tune to Mika’s Magical Bicycle .
Cora’s cries turn into whimpers, then they stop.
What I don’t hear is Ethan. I need to tell Morgan how proud I am of her, but that’s after I’ve told Ethan how disappointed I am in him.
He should be up there looking after Cora, not leaving it all to Morgan.
He’s failed as a husband and a father. I hear that tune coming from upstairs again and I shiver.
Even when we’ve left, I’ll never be able to forget Quinn.
Memories of her will be carried in that song every time my children sing it.
I don’t see any light from the generator and, come to think of it, I don’t hear it either. A cough comes from the back of the house. I’m not sure if I want to alert Ethan to my presence yet, so I creep closer to where the cough came from.
I walk across the main living space then I take a left towards Aunt Dorette’s snug.
Light shines through the gap underneath the door.
I nudge it open and it creaks. Ethan sits in a chair but he doesn’t turn around.
He’s staring at a big gap in the wall where the dresser used to be.
All the cups, teapots and plates lie on the floor, smashed.
He’s slumped back, mouth open with a half-drunk bottle of cider in his lap.
He snorts and opens his sticky eyes. ‘Gemma. Why didn’t you call me to pick you up? ’
Really? He couldn’t have picked me up in this state.
I want to snatch the cider off him. He can sleep on his parents’ couch in Cornwall for all I care.
‘I’m going to find somewhere to stay tonight and I’m leaving you, Ethan.
’ I choke up as I say those words. I’ve only ever loved Ethan and I’m in pieces.
Tears run down his cheeks. ‘I screwed up. You mean the world to me, Gemma. We can work this out for the children. Please, I can’t lose you. I’ll do anything.’
My anxiety has given way to rage and I can’t keep it contained. ‘Anything, huh? All you had to do was keep it in your pants, but no, you didn’t and how do I find out?’
He doesn’t answer, obviously too ashamed.
‘We could have lost Beanie, all because you gave us chlamydia. I got the confirmation this morning, but as soon as it was mentioned, I saw your face. I didn’t need the test results.
’ I pause. ‘She’s welcome to you. She can have you.
In fact, go now. Pack and move in with her because I don’t want you anywhere near me… ’
He stands then stumbles towards me for a drunken hug. ‘I don’t want anyone else, I love you, Gemma. It was one stupid mistake. I can’t live without you.’
I push him away. ‘You should have thought about that before you cheated on me, lost all our money and brought me to live here when you knew I didn’t want to ever come back.’
He shakes his head. ‘And why didn’t you want to come back, Gemma? Why did you want to keep this dresser?’
I glance again at what he’s done. I have no idea what he’s talking about, but it looks like there’s a slip of a secret room that he’s exposed.
That dresser wasn’t there when I came during that last summer all those years ago.
I barely came into this room. It was where my aunt percolated all her ideas.
I was never allowed in for long. She’d have bits of paper laid out everywhere and sketches tacked to the walls.
All I now see is a gap and floorboards. ‘I just liked it and didn’t see any point in working on the only room that looked great.
Unlike you, I wanted to get out of this place as fast as possible.
I thought we’d be out of here quicker by not making more work for ourselves and you had to go and tear it down.
’ I can’t stop staring into the void. ‘Why is it there? Actually, I don’t care about some stupid empty void.
I just want to avoid becoming one. Sit here and drink yourself to oblivion for all I care. ’
‘Is the baby, okay?’
‘I thought that would have been the first thing you asked.’ I know the doctor filled him in the night before last, but he doesn’t know if anything happened since.
‘I would have if you hadn’t come in here shouting at me or if you answered my calls.’
‘Don’t turn this onto me.’ I pause. He has a right to know. ‘The baby will be okay but I shouldn’t get stressed. I should be taking it easy and, thanks to you, I have to take antibiotics and go back to hospital to be retested in four weeks.’
My vision catches a piece of leather with a dog’s face printed on it and I can’t breathe. In the clasp, there’s a piece of torn blue plastic. ‘Where…where did you get that?’ I manage to huff out.
‘It was caught in the floorboard.’
We have to go. I have to go. The kids, they need to pack right this second. Why was nothing but a piece of Jasmine’s bag in a tiny hidden room in my late aunt’s house? I turn to leave.
‘Gemma, wait. Please don’t walk out like this. I love you. I can’t do this without you. I need you.’
This is harder than I ever thought it would be. I want to believe that he loves me and it would be easy to sink into his arms, but I’m hurting badly. ‘Why, Ethan? I thought it was you and me against the world.’ Tears start streaming down my face.
‘It still is. I’ll do anything, Gemma, Anything, but please don’t leave me.’
I need answers. ‘Tell me how we went so wrong?’
‘We didn’t. I went wrong.’ His cheeks start to redden.
‘That night I called you from here while I was working on the apartment, you were so angry with me. I thought you hated me and I hated me and I still hate me. I did something stupid and I’ve never done anything like that before.
This place made me feel…so alone and I was so damn depressed, Gemma.
’ He runs his shaky fingers through his hair.
Ethan has never before tried to manipulate my feelings so I believe him.
I just don’t think I can forgive him. I need some space.
I lean over and kiss his head. Whatever happens, I can’t easily turn my feelings off.
‘You weren’t there for me. I tried to call you back but you didn’t answer.’
I look away, trying not to catch sight of Jasmine’s bag again. All I can think about is her and the children and I need to leave. Ethan waits for me to answer. I remember that night well. I was still upset with him for losing all our money.
‘You weren’t there, Gemma.’
I don’t appreciate him blaming me. I have always been there for him.
I wipe my teary face and I can’t help the words that come out of my mouth.
‘We’re leaving. Go, be with Quinn.’ I have to get away from Ethan, Quinn and Jasmine’s bag, now.
The blue plastic catches my eye again, sending waves of nausea through me.
She’s haunting me at every turn and I’m scared she’s about to catch up with me.
As I go to leave, he’s out of his chair.
He stumbles towards me and clamps his hand on my wrist. He’s hurting me and I know he won’t let go.
I shiver because I see the fire within him.
Ethan has never hurt me before but he starts dragging me through the house as I try to dig my heels in.
I can’t stop him. I no longer know the man in front of me or what he’s capable of.