Chapter 27
Sadie climbs off my lap, the urge to pull her back onto me is strong but her words replay on loop in my head. We can’t do this.
Instead of staying on the couch, Sadie stands and makes her way to the fire. She’s playing with her necklace and looking down at her feet. Something has got her spooked. Hating the distance between us, I stand, grab my crutch, and join her.
“What’s wrong, Sadie? Talk to me.” I reach out to comfort her but she takes a step back to avoid my touch. The move stings and I’m desperate to understand what’s happening here.
Finally, she looks up, but I can’t quite read the look on her face. Her cheeks are flushed, breaths uneven, and pupils blown wide. She closes her eyes for a heartbeat, as if trying to gather strength to speak, and when she opens them there’s a mix of longing and regret.
“Niko, this was a mistake.”
I hate the way my name sounds coming past her lips. It’s polar opposite to the way she gasped it earlier. There’s a finality to her tone. An ending. And I fucking hate it.
Mistake? Then why the hell did it feel so right? The word slices through me and cuts deeper than it probably should. I can still taste her on my lips, still feel her heat clinging to me.
I want to shake my head, tell her she doesn’t mean it, but she’s right. What the hell was I thinking? Sophia is too important. It doesn’t matter how happy or excited I feel around Sadie. My daughter’s needs will always take priority over my own.
I’m busy chastising myself when Sadie speaks again.
“We’re friends. I work for the team, and now I’m helping out with Sophia.”
How could I be so fucking stupid? I’m finally giving Sophia some sense of normalcy, and two seconds into it, I’m already jeopardizing her peace. I’m so fucking selfish.
“You’re right. I’m sorry I put you in that position, Sadie. It won’t happen again.”
She nods once, and that’s it. Conversation over.
I force myself to take a step back, every muscle tight with restraint.
This is what I have to do for Sophia. It’s what any good father would do.
One reckless kiss isn’t worth risking the first semblance of stability she’s had in years.
Still, my chest aches like I just carved a piece of my heart out and left it behind with Sadie.
I repeat the words in my head. It won’t happen again. Because it has to be true. No matter how much my body itches to be near Sadie, or how wrong stepping away from her feels, my daughter comes first. She will always come first.
“I should go.”
Sadie moves past me, keeping her eyes trained on the ground, and as much as I want to stop her, I let her go.
I have to let her go.
It’s been hours since Sadie left, and after two piss-poor attempts to sleep, I gave up and ended up in the theatre room downstairs. Sleepless nights usually end up with me popping in a classic movie. It’s been ages since I’ve been able to enjoy the movie in our theatre room, though.
Luckily for me, ever since Sadie came into our life, sleepovers in my bed with Sophia have all but vanished.
She still wakes up with the occasional nightmare, but I’m usually able to coax her back to sleep in her own bed.
Even though I’ve been sleeping better these days, after tonight’s disaster with Sadie, I just can’t shut my mind off.
The opening scene of The Godfather plays on the giant projector screen in front of me but I’m barely paying attention.
I’ve scrolled my phone for the past five minutes, but I somehow always come back to Sadie’s text thread.
My fingers itch to type out an apology, but it’s after midnight and she’s probably fast asleep by now.
I’m scrolling our text thread, looking at pictures of Sophia that Sadie sent while they were together when my phone buzzes in my hand and a new text from Sadie comes through.
Sadie
I know you’re probably sleeping but I ran out of there so fast tonight, I didn’t get to apologize. I’m sorry about tonight, Niko. I should’ve never crossed that line. I want you to know that you can trust me. But if you want to look for another nanny, I’d completely understand.
This can’t be happening. I may have fucked up the best thing that’s ever happened to me and Sophia because I couldn’t keep my damn hands to myself.
I need to convince Sadie that this relationship between us can be strictly professional.
She’s the first person I’ve felt safe leaving Sophia with.
There’s no way I can find someone else in time before we’re traveling for playoffs. Besides, I don’t want anyone else.
I want Sadie. As a nanny. For my daughter. That’s the only way I want her.
Maybe if I tell myself that enough, I’ll finally start to believe it.
Hoping to catch her before she falls asleep, I take a chance and hit the video call button at the top of our message thread. Video chatting really isn’t my thing but this type of conversation shouldn’t be had via text.
The call rings through and I sit up, muting the movie. I’m about to end the call after the fourth ring when a sleepy Sadie pops up on my screen.
I smile so wide I look absolutely ridiculous in the corner of my screen but I don’t care.
Sadie’s hair is loose and a little mussed, my guess from lying in bed trying to sleep.
She’s in a soft, worn shirt that hangs off her shoulder, revealing the smallest amount of skin.
Nothing fancy, but I swear I’ve never seen her look more beautiful.
Her face is bare, as usual, her eyes tired, but they light up when they land on me.
“Hi.” Her voice comes out raspy, coated in sleep. I imagine her just like this, but beside me in bed. Just as fast as I imagine it, I push it away.
It won’t happen again. I repeat the words one more time in my head before responding.
“Hey. Sorry to ambush you on video like this, but I wanted to say something.”
Sadie props herself up on one hand and shoots a sleepy smile my way.
“You know, a text would’ve worked just fine.
Especially at this hour.” Her voice is teasing, and I feel myself relax, my chest loosening the slightest bit.
Just hours ago we were on the precipice of something we both knew we couldn’t let happen.
And now, hearing her voice, I can’t tell if I’m relieved we stopped or aching because we did.
“I want you to see my face when I say what I’m going to say.”
Her eyes perk up at my statement and she readjusts herself in her bed so she’s sitting up.
“I’m listening.”
“You’re the only person I want as Sophia’s nanny, Sadie.
She trusts you. I trust you. What happened tonight…
” My words trail off because I want to tell her that what happened earlier was fucking amazing.
I don’t want her thinking for one second that it wasn’t exactly what I wanted.
But Sophia’s face flashes in my mind and I keep all those thoughts to myself.
“It doesn’t change any of that. There’s no one else I want taking care of my daughter. Please believe me when I say that.”
Sadie’s eyes never leave mine. She takes a moment to digest what I just told her and then smiles.
“Okay, Niko. I believe you. I’ll see you tomorrow?” As soon as the question leaves her mouth a giant yawn escapes her, loud and unrestrained. Her eyes widen and she covers her mouth in embarrassment. “Oh my god. You did not just hear me do that.”
“Hear what?” I chuckle to myself, and Sadie finally drops her hand from her mouth.
“I plan on bringing most of my stuff with me tomorrow so I can stay the night. With your game being so late, I figured I should make myself at home as soon as possible.”
“Sounds good. Good night, Sadie.”
“Night.”
The video call disconnects, and I throw my head against the leather recliner I’m sitting in.
The thought of Sadie being here permanently, at least through playoffs, invading our space, sends a conflicting thrill through me.
Sophia will always be my number one, but I can’t deny what I feel for this woman.
There’s this gravitational pull I feel toward her anytime I’m in the same room as her.
And now she’ll be here, in our home, every single day.
How the hell am I supposed to push these unrelenting feelings aside? I’m going to have to figure it the fuck out because I don’t have another choice. Sophia is my priority. It’s as simple as that.
I’ve raised Sophia on my own, slowly putting the broken pieces of her heart back together every time her mother leaves her behind. I’ve become one of the leading scorers in the NHL and the captain of my team.
If I can manage both those things simultaneously, I can survive Sadie being Sophia’s nanny.
How hard could it be?