24. Every Broken Piece
24
Every Broken Piece
Chelsea
Walking out of my therapist’s office, I feel myself stepping back into my power.
It’s going to take time to process everything, especially if this ends up in a court case, but that dark haze around me is lifting. I’m ready to do the work. More importantly, I’m ready to go home and face how Trevor is twisted up in all this now.
Home .
Not my family’s house. Our apartment. Trevor. Home is where he is.
I never wanted Trevor tangled up in all this, but the fact that his former roommate is the person who raped me means there’s no chance of him not being wrapped up in it. Especially since he beat the shit out of him.
I wish I was the kind of person who could say I’m mad about that, but I’m not. Trevor defended me. Which is all the more reason I want to get home to him.
He stood up for me and got arrested, and I just walked away. I was so overwhelmed, I could barely breathe, let alone think. The most beautiful part of my life being connected to the ugliest one is the last thing I wanted, but I can’t control that.
I can only control how I let it affect me, and I refuse to let this harm my relationship with Trevor.
My therapist said today if I had ended up in this situation without Trevor having any connection to it, he still would’ve become a part of it because he’s my partner. And she’s right. I was afraid of this creating a wedge between us, but that won’t happen. I won’t let it. Trevor and I are going to stand strong. Like we’ve done everything else, we’ll face this hand in hand. I’m so ready to finally be in his arms again.
When my phone rings, I hope it’s him. He’s been respectful about giving me the space I asked for, but I miss him. I wouldn’t have been angry if he’d called.
A glance at my phone screen tells me it’s Amanda. Probably calling to check in.
She and Mackie left early yesterday morning, and I spent the entire day going through a weird version of the stages of grief. I alternated between ranting, crying, meditating, and stressing about what was going to happen, but by the end of the day, I felt better.
I answer my phone with the intention of telling Amanda I’m coming home, but when I hear her sniffling, I stop in the middle of the street, my blood running cold.
“Mands? What happened? Trevor?” Panic rises in my voice. I shouldn’t have stayed away this long. I shouldn’t have shut him out.
“No—he’s okay. It’s Sarah…” I take off running as she tells me what happened—some kind of overdose from alcohol and anxiety meds.
I need to get home to them. To my friends, my chosen family, the people who have shown up for me in the darkness and gotten me through the painful moments. And Trevor, who is undoubtedly hurting even more now. He needs me, and there’s nowhere else I want to be than by his side.
Trevor
I hate hospitals.
I hate waiting rooms.
I can’t remember a single time when I’ve been in one for a good reason.
Sarah’s going to be okay. Whatever that means. Like Hyla was okay? Yeah, it started her on a healing journey, but she still hit that horrible place to begin with. Just like Sarah did, and I gave her a little nudge to get there. Joel doesn’t blame me. No one here does, but I can’t stop blaming myself. She was hurting and broken, and I pushed her over the edge. I thought she needed to hear it, but it only made things worse. Not just for her, but for everyone here. All my friends were affected by the words I said when I was pissed and hurting. No matter what I do, I keep hurting the people I love.
My chest tightens, my stomach twisting with nausea as I rub my clammy hands together.
I’m not okay.
Chelsea said she needed time to process everything. I don’t know if she has, but I haven’t. All I’ve done is spiral deeper into negative thoughts and the numbness of my anger.
I pull out my phone and go to my texts. Nothing from Chelsea—not that I’m looking, except I always hope to see one. I called her earlier but it went straight to voicemail. Which led me to leave her a tearful, nonsensical voice message I wish I could erase now.
Pushing those thoughts away, I click on the name I came here for. My therapist. And then I ask to schedule an appointment as soon as possible. Everything that has happened in the last five days has brought the shit I need to work on front and center.
Aaron drops into a chair next to me, scrubbing his hands over his face.
“How’s Joel?” I ask.
Aaron chokes on an empty laugh. “Feeling like an idiot. He has an IV and nurses force feeding him peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”
Joel’s as much of a mess as Sarah and after worrying about her and not eating or sleeping for the better part of two days, he passed out earlier.
What the fuck is happening this month? My birthday is in a week, and I’m less inclined than ever to celebrate it. Who knows what other fuckery the universe has in store for us.
“She’s awake!” Rae says, as she walks into the waiting room. She looks at her dad. “Mom’s in there. You should go too.” He kisses her on the head and walks out of the room as the rest of us stand. “She’s awake and she’s… Sarah.” A light laugh. “She knows she made a lot of mistakes and she’s hurting, but she wants to heal. She’s going to be okay, though.” Rae sniffs and wipes her eyes. “I should go tell Joel.”
“I’ll do it,” Miles says, then heads out of the room.
Rae lets out a long breath, then walks over to Aaron. “She’s going to be okay.”
He wraps her in a hug, holding her as she cries.
Everything hits me at once, and I’m so overwhelmed, I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams. I make a beeline for the elevator, but Amanda grabs my arm.
“Hey, where are you going?”
“Just need some air.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“No, I’m okay,” I croak, making it clear that I’m anything but. Either way, she lets me go, and I go right to the elevator, doing everything I can to keep myself from falling apart.
When I get outside, I realize I have no clue where I’m going, so I look around. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the small park across the street. A small park with a little baseball field. And like my feet have their own minds, I’m going that way without a thought.
Thankfully, there’s no one at the little baseball diamond when I get there and plop down on one of the four-tier metal bleachers, letting my head drop into my hands.
The wind off the lake whips around me, sending a chill through me, but it’s nothing compared to the cold ache inside me.
Everything is so fucked up, and all I keep wishing is that my dad was here. That I could talk to him. He’d have had an answer or just the right reassuring words. Even if they were the same words someone else said, I’d believe them coming from him.
If I were back home, I’d be sitting in the cemetery talking to his headstone, but this is the best I’ve got.
I look out at the baseball diamond, my eyes going to right field.
“Dad, I don’t know if you can hear me. Anyone walking by would probably think I’m crazy, but I just… I miss you. Everything’s messed up right now, and I feel like it’s all my fault. Or at least like I’ve made things worse.” I sniff and wipe my face. “I wish I could hear your voice. Feel your hand on my shoulder. Feel the strength and warmth of one of your hugs. I’m so angry. There’s all this rage burning inside me and everything that happens adds more fuel to that fire. I don’t want to be that way. It’s not how you raised me. But then I don’t think you’d be particularly proud of me right now.”
“I disagree.”
I whip around and stare in disbelief at the sight of Chelsea walking toward the bleachers.
Chelsea
Trevor looks unbelievably broken, and it has me terrified about what’s happening with Sarah.
When I got back to my family’s house after Amanda’s phone call, I packed the handful of things Robbie had brought for me, ready to get to Old Lake Town as fast as possible before realizing my car wasn’t there. Then I had to get Robbie, wait for him to pack all of his stuff, and endure a three-hour car ride. My phone lost service halfway here and decided not to find it again—that’s tomorrow’s problem—which meant I haven’t had any updates on Sarah for hours.
Robbie was about to turn into the hospital parking lot when I saw someone sitting in the bleachers, and I knew it was Trevor. Robbie crossed three lanes of traffic and I practically jumped out of the car.
“Chels?” Trevor asks, eyes full of tears.
My eyes are locked on his as I walk toward him. “I think your dad would be proud of you. You keep standing up and fighting for the people you love. You keep going even when things are hard. No matter how often you play the grump, you never actually become bitter. He’d be proud of that.”
He stares at me, unconvinced. “I don’t know how.” Then he shakes his head. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
“Where else would I be? I was planning on coming back today, but I hauled ass to get here when Amanda called.”
“But… here. Not the hospital.”
“I saw someone sitting on the bleachers, and I knew it was you. Is Sarah okay?”
He scoffs. “Okay is a relative term, but she’s awake and yeah… okay.”
“Are you okay?” Because something is very wrong.
“Probably not. But some of that depends on why you’re here. If you’re going to break up with me—”
“Break up with you?” I nearly screech in disbelief. “Why would you think that?”
“Because I…”
What is going on? Does he think I’m angry at him for defending me?
He shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. “You heard what he said. About me helping him. I’m so sorry. I swear, I never thought he did anything like that, and I would never have helped him. But the thought that I enabled him in any way to do that to you… I don’t blame you if you hate me.”
Well, that was not what I was expecting.
“Wait, you don’t think you actually had something to do with him assaulting me, do you?” I stare at him, the realization hitting me all at once, that yes, he does. Of course he does. Of course my sweet, stupid, overprotective man, who only wants to take care of the people he loves, has been beating himself up thinking he hurt me.
I sink onto the bench next to him, feeling awful now that I didn’t make it clearer I wasn’t mad. I never thought he’d go to that place, but I should’ve known better.
“Trevor, look at me.” He reluctantly turns toward me. “I’m so sorry. Sorry I didn’t make it clear I wasn’t angry at you. I wasn’t thinking about that stuff at all. I’m sorry because all I thought about was myself. I ran away, and while I needed space to process, I should’ve been clearer about why and what that meant. I wasn’t questioning anything between us. I just needed time alone to deal with it all.”
He chokes back a sob. “You really don’t blame me?”
I grab his hand, holding it tight enough to cause a bit of pain. I need him to focus, to stop thinking this shit.
“ You are not responsible for what he did. Not in any way. You spent so much time proving you’re worthy of my trust. I trust you. I know you. I know you would never hurt anyone like that.”
“But what about the times I covered for him when people asked questions? There was a time when the campus police came and asked if he was around or if he’d been to some party, and I lied and said I didn’t think so, but what if that was about you?”
I take his hands. “Then they didn’t do their job. It’s not like you swore an oath. It’s normal you’d want to support your friend. That’s not what he ended up being, but it’s not like you’d known specifics or were actually questioned and then actively lied for him. Anyone who took your half-assed answer as the clear truth did a shitty job. Maybe it’s a lesson learned about who you trust and who you’re willing to cover for, but that’s all. You have to let this go. Stop blaming yourself or convincing yourself you’re hurting people because you’re not.”
“Tell that to Sarah.”
“What happened?”
I listen as he tells me, and once again, I don’t think he’s in the wrong. Sure, he called her on her shit and maybe could’ve said it a bit nicer, but he wasn’t mean, either. And he wasn’t wrong.
“It sounds to me like you said what she needed to hear.”
“But with the space she was in… I pushed her over the edge.”
“Maybe it was a push, but something would’ve given her that no matter what. You’re not responsible for her mental health getting to the point it was at, and walking on eggshells doesn’t solve anything. Yes, you know her well. You knew what kind of state she was in, and you’re letting that cloud your judgment now. You’re holding yourself responsible for her actions simply because you didn’t treat her with kid gloves. That’s not on you.”
“You give me too much grace.”
“No. I give you the grace you deserve—the grace everyone deserves. You’re too hard on yourself. Do you know what I see when I look at you?” He shakes his head. “I see a deeply loving, caring, imperfect man who would do anything for the people he cares about. The ultimate fantasy book boyfriend.”
He lets out a weak laugh but doesn’t say anything else.
After a few quiet moments, he runs his thumb over my hand.
“How are you doing?”
“Uh… I don’t know. I feel okay. Besides worrying about Sarah—and about you—I keep going through a range of emotions. I’m angry about so many things, but I’m also proud of how I handled myself. Well, mostly. I let myself sink into that darkness again, but Amanda and Mackie showed up and helped pull me out. Now I’m preparing myself for a fight. They obtained his DNA.”
“And?”
“Still waiting, but I know it’s a match. I know…” My voice waivers and he wraps an arm around my back, playing with the tips of my hair.
“Are you mad that I fought him? I don’t know if that could complicate anything with a trial.”
“If it does, we’ll handle it. You defended me. I appreciate you wanting to protect me, even if it was in a retroactive way. I hate that you were arrested, though. Is that going to cause issues for you with jobs and stuff? I don’t know how any of this works.”
“I read way too much online over the last few days, but hopefully, since no charges were pressed, as long as I’m up front about it, it should be okay.”
“I hate that he’s still walking around and you have to worry about this. It’s not fucking fair. He deserves to face justice.”
“There’s not enough justice for what he did to you.”
I rest my head on his shoulder, soaking in the feel of his body next to mine.
“Are we okay?” he whispers, voice rough.
“We’re better than okay. I’m sorry I left you. There was so much going on in my mind, and I thought if I tried to face the ways you’re now entangled in this story with you right there, it would’ve been too hard and confusing.”
“You don’t need to apologize. I read way too much into it because I was blaming myself.” He rubs a hand over his face. “It’s a good thing I made a therapy appointment. I can’t believe I spent the week feeling like I ruined us. Our perfect relationship, everything we built…”
I lift my head and look at him. My sweet, messy man with all his trauma and heartache. I’ll take every broken piece.
“You didn’t ruin anything. But also, our relationship isn’t perfect. It never has been. And despite how much you try to be, you’re not perfect either. That’s okay, because neither am I. There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. We’re both messy, complicated humans who bring plenty of baggage and trauma and bad habits that we have to work through. We’re going to fight and struggle and work on ourselves and our relationship a lot, but when we do that work, when we share those broken pieces of ourselves and learn to grow together, we build something that is perfect. Our love. The love between us is beautifully, messily perfect, and I wouldn’t change any of the hard things that got us here. I love you.”
He rests his hand on my waist as his forehead drops against mine and he lets out a rough exhale.
“I love you too.”
Tears well in my eyes as I look at him. Some color is returning to his cheeks, but he still looks shattered.
“Don’t ever think I’m going to leave you. I know you’re terrified to lose me, but that’s not going to happen. You’re my soulmate. My person. The love of my life. No one sees me or understands me like you. There’s nothing that would make me leave you.”
“Nothing?” he asks with a laugh of disbelief.
“Sure, there are deal breakers in life, but you are not the type of man to do any of those things, so no. Nothing. This is it. You and me. I told you we may not be married, but whenever we get married, nothing will change. I’m all in. And I think I have been since that morning at The Lake Shack.”
He pulls me into his arms and holds me, and I swear I can feel some of the cracks in his heart start to heal.
“I’m all in too. I’m yours forever.”
“Good.”
We hold each other in silence for a long time, letting our love wrap around us and heal some of the broken pieces. There are still plenty of things to talk through and figure out and process together, but as long as it’s together, that’s all that matters to me. We can face anything—we will face anything that comes our way. And we’ll do it hand in hand, supporting each other the entire time.
After a long time spent wrapped in each other’s arms, I convince Trevor to let me get him some food, then we make our way back to the hospital.
“I need to get Rae to eat something,” Aaron says, running a hand through his hair. He’s on the other side of Trevor and looks exhausted. Which isn’t surprising. Given how deeply today has affected both his wife and his best friend, he’s been busy trying to hold it all together.
“You need to eat too,” I tell him. “Want us to go get something?”
He shakes his head. “No. I want to get Rae out of the hospital for some fresh air anyway. I just have to pry her away from Sarah.”
“Why don’t we go in?” I say. Rae and the girls are in there with her. I didn’t want to join them all because I didn’t want anyone’s attention to fall on me. Sarah deserves their entire focus right now.
“Yeah,” Trevor slowly agrees, though I see his hesitation. He’s wanted to go in and talk to Sarah, but he still feels terrible. Which is all the more reason he needs to talk to her.
“Okay. Thanks,” Aaron says.
We get up and head for the room, but halfway there, I pause and look over my shoulder.
“I need to run to the bathroom first. You go ahead without me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Mhm. I’ll be quick.” I kiss his cheek and send him on his way, then find a bathroom.
I don’t need to go, but I know Trevor needs a few minutes with Sarah alone so they can talk.
I let five minutes pass, then slowly make my way toward her room, only to find Trevor walking out of it.
“Hey, everything okay?”
“Yeah. She’s… more herself. She told me to take you home.”
I let out a weak laugh. “I’m not against that idea. Should I stop in first though?”
He shakes his head. “Joel’s in there now, and I think they need some time together.”
So do we.
I thought that might happen, though, so I took a page out of my friends’ playbook and had Robbie go to the bookstore and grab the first few books in one of my favorite lighthearted, fun romance series and then wrote a note to go with them and left them with Aaron to give to Sarah.
Trevor still looks a little disoriented, so I grab his hands and draw his attention back to me.
“How did the conversation go? Did she blame you for anything?”
“No. She was apologizing to me.” He sighs and ruffles his hair with his hand. “But I never want to be a person who hurts the people he cares about.”
I rest my hand on his cheek. “You’re not. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes so you’d know what an incredible man you are. We all make mistakes, but you are mindful and caring and always trying to help the people you love. Like I said earlier, you’re a man your dad would be proud of. And for what it’s worth, I’m proud of you too. I just wish you’d be proud of yourself.”
He leans in, pulling me closer, his hand tangled in my hair, and kisses my forehead.
“I missed you.”
I let out a shuddery breath. “Can we go home?”
He musters a smile, though his eyes are glassy. “Home.”
Nothing seems quite as heavy when I’m wrapped in Trevor’s arms.
As soon as we got home, we took a shower, then Trevor pulled out the insane amount of food he cooked over the last few days and we loaded up plates to eat in bed.
We’ve been talking for hours about everything that’s happened and all our struggles. We both have a lot of things to work through, whether it’s our emotions after everything or harder stuff that we need to focus on with our therapists.
The biggest thing we agreed on is that while all this affects us individually and affects us as a unit, it does not and will not affect our relationship. It will not enter into that in any way. We’re a unified front, and that’s how it’ll stay.
“I’m tired,” Trevor sighs, and I know he means more emotionally than physically.
“I know,” I whisper. “So am I.”
He kisses my neck, across my throat, and then the other side of my neck.
His breath tickles my ear as he whispers, “I need you.”
Then we’re kissing as we fumble with our clothes, desperate to feel the connection between us that we’ve both missed this past week.
When we’re naked, I cup his cheek, looking into those deep, dark eyes. “What do you want?”
He sits up against the pillows and pulls me onto his lap. “I need you right here. Like this.”
I grab a condom, then roll it down his length, not waiting longer than a breath to slide down him.
Face to face, with my arms wrapped around his neck, I ride him as he holds me close.
He buries his face in my neck. “Fuck, I need you. I missed you. I love you. More than anything in this life, Chels. You’re mine.”
“And you’re mine.”
My body shudders with need. His lips find mine, and we move together, letting everything else fall away. All the pain, all the anger, all the uncertainty. It doesn’t matter right now. For this moment, it’s just us, our souls intertwining and dancing together as we forget about the world around us and get lost in our love, letting it heal us. Finally, we can both breathe again. We have each other, and that’s all that matters. Whatever comes now, we’ll face it together.
Trevor
Waking up with my girl wrapped in my arms is the best feeling ever. Especially after how shitty this week has been.
We stayed up half the night talking, cuddling, and having sex. Reconnection in every way.
There’s still a heaviness hanging over me, but it’s slowly lifting. I have a therapy appointment first thing Tuesday morning, and I’m hoping that will help even more. Though I’m still expecting it to take time for us to process all this—individually and together as well.
My heart is calmer as I watch Chelsea sleeping peacefully. Her resilience is breathtaking and her grace continues to astound me. She likes to call me her book boyfriend, but she’s my dream girl, only now instead of it being because of the things I found attractive or I thought I wanted in a partner, it’s because of her. Her heart, her soul, her brilliant smile, her wicked sense of humor, her intelligence, her kindness, her fortitude, and her strength. There aren’t enough words to explain how lucky I am that she’s mine and how hard I’ll fight to make sure she always knows how loved and cherished she is.
Fuck, she takes my breath away.
A dream that’s a fantasy some days. Smiling to myself, I slide my hand over and gently pinch her arm.
She stirs and looks at me, eyes squinty.
“Did you just pinch me?” she asks, a sleepy rasp in her voice.
I lean in close and whisper in her ear, “I had to be sure you were real.”
Her gorgeous smile cuts through the haze still hanging around me, like the sun through parting clouds.
“I’m real. This is real. And we’re okay. We’re here together. Happy. Or we will be, even if we still have to work through some hard stuff.”
“I’ll do anything as long as it’s with you.”
She rolls over and buries her face in my chest, her mess of auburn waves strewn everywhere.
“I missed you.”
“I missed you too. We’re better together.”
“So much better. I promise I won’t run away from you to process something ever again. Everything is easier when I’m in your arms.”
I press a kiss to her head. “And I promise to try not to assume the worst and blame myself and take on the weight of the world.”
She chuckles and lifts her head. “I have faith in you. Mostly.”
“Gee, thanks. So much love.”
“All the love.” She kisses my nose. “But I also know you are always going to be someone who takes protecting the people you love and caring for them seriously, which means you’ll always put some extra weight on your shoulders. Luckily, I’ll be here to pull it off or help you carry it.”
I open my mouth to respond, but her phone rings. After turning it off and on three times last night, we finally got the service to connect right again—at which point I asked her to delete the pathetic voicemail I left her yesterday. Thankfully, she did it without question. Now, I’m definitely putting a new phone on the Christmas list for her.
She grabs it off the bedside table, eyes going wide when she sees the name.
“It’s Jacinta.”
She scrambles to answer it and puts it on speaker.
“Hi, Jacinta. What’s going on?”
She laughs a little. “Good morning, Chelsea.”
“And Trevor. He’s here too.”
“Is he? Good. I called your grandmother first, but she said to call you. The results came in this morning, earlier than expected. The DNA was a match.”
Chelsea lets out a shuddery breath. “So… what does that mean?”
“The DA will prosecute the case. There’s a warrant out for his arrest.”
“And then what happens?” I ask. “Do we need to be prepared for a trial?”
“Eventually,” Jacinta says. “But bureaucracy takes a while. There’s a good chance it’ll take at least a year to get there. From here, he’ll be arrested, arraigned, and have to put up bail.”
“I hate that he still gets to walk around,” I grumble.
“I know. But innocent until proven guilty by a jury of peers. No matter what the DNA says.”
“And I’ll have to testify and all that, right?”
“Yes. There will be a lot of prep work, but for the time being, anything that pops up is in my hands. You have a very strong case, Chelsea. It would be highly unlikely for this not to go in your favor.”
“Even with me getting into a fight with him?” I ask.
“Anything like that can be spun. It’s just about how convincing we are to the jury. Again, that’s my job. For now, I want you both to breathe. Relax. Recoup. You’ve been through a lot. Heal. Get to the strongest version of yourselves, so you’re ready when the time comes.”
“Thank you,” Chelsea says. “For everything.”
“You’re welcome. We’re going to get justice, Chelsea. I really believe that. Have a good rest of your day, and take care of yourselves. I’ll be in touch with any new information.”
“Thank you,” I say.
“Have a great day, Jacinta.”
We say our goodbyes, then hang up, staring at each other in stunned silence.
“It might actually happen… justice. I let go of the hope of it happening for so long. The fact that he could actually pay?”
She blows out a trembling breath.
“Here’s hoping he gets exactly what he deserves. And more.”
“When I moved here, I hoped that karma was on my side. I had no idea how much that would end up being true. I’ll always hate what happened to me, but I look at my life now, and I have everything I could want or need. I have a beautiful life. With you.”
“And we’re not even at our best now,” I say with a laugh.
“No. But we will be. We’ll heal and keep growing together. And no matter what, we’ll be okay.”
“Nah. We’ll be better than okay.” I softly kiss her lips. “We’ll be perfect.”