Chapter Seventeen
Hannah looked at her phone for the third time that day. Dan still hadn’t returned her call. She’d called him in the morning. When she reached his voice mail, she suggested he and Tess come over next weekend for Shabbat dinner with her grandmother. He hadn’t called back. Now, it was ten at night. They talked every day. It was weird. Maybe there was something wrong with his leg? Or Tess?
She picked up her phone and weighed it in her hand. She didn’t want to seem needy, but she also wanted to talk to him, to make sure he was all right. Deciding to compromise, she sent him a text.
hi
She was about to give up when dots flashed across the screen. He was typing.
Hello
She breathed a sigh of relief.
missed you today
Again, there was a pause.
I missed you too.
did you get my message
Yeah, sorry, busy day.
what’s wrong
She stared at the phone. You didn’t have to be a genius to figure out he wasn’t in the mood to talk. With a sigh, she turned her phone to vibrate.
When she woke the next morning, there was a message from Dan declining the dinner invitation—he and Tess were busy. For the next couple of days, he answered only if she initiated conversations, without giving away information. If she called, his phone often went straight to voicemail. This was getting ridiculous. Her fingers jabbed the text buttons on her phone.
i think we should talk
She didn’t expect an answer, not after how he’d been avoiding her. After a few seconds, the dancing dots appeared on her phone. She held her breath, waiting.
About what?
i’d rather talk in person
There was such a long pause she was convinced he’d tossed the phone aside, like he seemed to be doing with her.
Okay.
The breath she’d held whooshed out of her.
vinnie’s at 7:30 tonight
A few seconds later, he responded.
See you then.
Vinnie’s Coffee Shop was popular with the commuting crowd, so by 7:30 on a weeknight it began to empty out as people headed home for the evening. Hannah walked into the restaurant. Not seeing Dan, she found a seat near the window to wait. A minute or two later, he entered. She waved.
He didn’t smile.
She swallowed.
As he eased into the chair across from her, she wondered how his leg was, but at a time like this, it would be a bad idea to ask him. She swallowed again and stared at the menu in front of her.
“Do you want to order something?” Her stomach was queasy. She wasn’t sure what she could eat.
“No.”
Great, this was going well. She took in the tense set of his shoulders, the frown line between his brows, his hand clenched on the table.
“What did I do?” Her voice was low. She tried hard not to make it whiny. Days of silence from him had given her too much time to think. She needed answers.
He looked out the window. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed.
“Does this mean I did nothing, or you won’t tell me?”
Dan expelled a breath. He met her gaze. “It’s not you.”
She gave a shaky laugh. “Don’t start with the it’s not you, it’s me crap. That’s a brush-off and I deserve better.”
His face colored. “You’re right. I can’t be the man you want, the man you deserve.”
“Did I miss a conversation, Dan? Because I don’t remember listing the things I wanted in a man. You don’t get to decide what I deserve.” Hannah’s heart pounded in her chest. Her nostrils flared as she tried to squeeze air in past the anger blocking her lungs.
Dan swore under his breath. “Dammit.”
Hannah took a sip of water. It sloshed in her stomach.
“I thought I could do this,” Dan said. “I thought I could be a good dad and have a relationship. But I can’t, Hannah. I just can’t.”
“You’re a great dad. I’ve never asked you to choose between me and Tess.” Hannah paused. “Does Tess not like me? Is that the problem?” Tears prickled behind her eyes.
“No, she loves you. But I can’t manage the relationship right now. I’m sorry.”
She gripped her water glass. The icy temperature permeated her skin, traveling through her veins to her heart. “You don’t want to try to work this out?”
“I can’t. I know you don’t want to hear me say this, but you deserve someone who can devote his entire self to you. I’m not that guy.”
If she opened her mouth, she’d scream. Her scream would shatter the water glass, the windows, and the lights above. But it would be nothing compared to what Dan did to her heart.
Hannah rose and gripped the edge of the table. “Maybe you’re not that guy. Right now, I don’t know who you are, because you’re not the Dan I’ve gotten to know these past six weeks. You’re not the Dan I fell in love with.”
“I don’t understand it, Aviva,” Hannah said at lunch two days later. She rubbed her brow, trying to relieve the headache she’d had since leaving Dan. “I know I should just forget about him, but he broke up with me without giving me a reason.”
“Could something have spooked him?”
“I don’t know. I told you he acted weird the last couple of times we were together.”
“Maybe there’s something going on he can’t talk about right now.”
“Can’t or won’t? I don’t understand why he won’t share his feelings with me, and I can’t be with someone who doesn’t.”
“You deserve better.”
Hannah shook her head. “Now you sound like Dan.”
“I don’t mean it like that.” She reached for Hannah’s hand. “You shouldn’t be with someone who won’t talk to you.”
“No, I shouldn’t. I just wish I knew what went wrong. He hasn’t spoken to me since Monday. Yesterday doesn’t count. Part of me wants to completely forget about him. The other part…” She watched the light glint off the stainless-steel spoon handle. “The other part wants to force him to explain himself. And I have no idea what to do.”
“Did you call him?”
She sighed. “I did.”
“He didn’t answer?”
“Nope.”
“Did you leave a message?”
Hannah averted her gaze. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I didn’t want to sound like I was begging. He knows I’m angry and hurt. Leaving a message will make me sound like some petulant child. He already has a teenager; he doesn’t need to date one—not that Tess is petulant, because she’s great.” She sighed and sipped her coffee. It was tasteless. Or maybe it was her.
Aviva tipped her head. Hannah was reminded of a sprite. She kept her mouth shut—her friend hated being called that. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling. It was the first time she’d been in the mood to smile in days.
“I see your point, but you should have left a message. The only way you two will work is if you communicate.”
“That’s just it. I don’t know if there’s anything to work. He won’t communicate.”
“Neither will you. You should call him again.”
“Ugh, I hate this. I really do.”
Aviva gave Hannah a hug. The two of them returned to their offices, where Hannah contacted Barbara to confirm her follow-up interview. Although excited about the prospect of a new job, thoughts of Dan dampened her feelings. She hoped Aviva was right, but she had a sinking feeling in her stomach there was something else going on.
It had been 72 hours since Dan had talked to Hannah. 4,320 minutes. 259,200 seconds. Granted, their latest bout of “talking” had been him breaking up with her. But his limbic system didn’t care. Even now, despite the shitty way he’d treated her, when he thought about her, his heartbeat increased and his palms sweated.
After tossing and turning all night, he’d gotten up early on a Saturday morning to make coffee.
The ring of his phone made him jump. He looked around to make sure Tess didn’t see him. Wimp.
He looked at the cellphone screen. Hannah. Guess he wasn’t the only one not sleeping. A shot of guilt ran through him for causing her lack of sleep. Then reality returned—maybe he wasn’t causing her any problems. Maybe she just wanted to yell at him. He should let it go to voicemail. He stuffed the phone back in his pocket. Coward.
No, he wasn’t a coward. He was trying to end the addiction before it became a problem he couldn’t overcome.
The phone continued to play Radiohead’s 2+2=5 ringtone. His hand started to shake. Would it be bad to talk to her? It was early on a Saturday morning. Maybe she needed something. Swearing under his breath, he yanked the phone out of his pocket. The movement made him twist wrong and he shouted as blinding pain shot up and down his leg. His phone clattered to the floor. He grabbed blindly for the countertop as he fell.