Chapter 57 #2
I used to sit out in the sand with my granddad, watching the sunset and the sunrise in the early mornings. It’s my absolute favorite.
The beach is nearly deserted now, and I’m pretty sure all my family and friends have left to go into the house. It leaves me out here on the water, alone with my thoughts.
“Hey, Pop... So, I have to do this talk on Thursday morning in New York for girls in STEM. I’m terrified. What if nobody shows up? What if I say something I shouldn’t? What if they ask me something personal? What if I sound stupid?” I ask the air, hoping my granddad will somehow answer me.
Not hearing anything back, as expected, I continue to talk to him.
“Everything’s a mess now, Pop. I miss you. I miss you every day. I wish you were here watching this with me. I miss seeing your face and hearing you laugh...
Wes asked me on a date. He and Knox are supposedly fighting over a girl. And yet he asked me on a date. They won’t say who she is...
My friend Ben is here with me too, and Andy. You would’ve loved them. Ben reminds me of you. Andy is in love with Kyle, and he’s in love with her. I know! Who’d have thought Kyle could find a girl he really likes...
I broke up with Drew... I caught him cheating on me...
Ugh... I feel like crap every day, Pop. My head is not in a good place. All this media stuff is freaking me out. I feel like I’m struggling... What would you do if you were me? How would you handle all of this?...
Adam, Noah, and Eden are all grown up, big, and bold. They’re such good kids. You’d be proud of them,” I say, swallowing hard to keep the tears at bay.
I glance down the beach, seeing a group of teenagers lounging around a lifeguard chair.
“This world is different without you, Pop. I don’t have you here with me, but I hope you’re my guardian angel, even though I never believed in that stuff...
You’d be proud of Sam, she got engaged and she’s getting married in just over a month to a football player. Haha! Yeah, no shock there.
You’d like him, he’s a great guy. Absolutely adores her, you can see it in his eyes, just like when you looked at Lovey and Eric looks at Mom.
I wish I had someone to look at me like that. But I guess you can’t have everything, right?... Cain will be out of prison this month, I’m not exactly sure when. But I remember the month and year, but the release date was TBC...
Looks like I might be joining you up there sooner than you think,” I say, laughing bitterly to myself. The first tear drops onto my board when I bow my head down. It’s caught by the surrounding water and disappears.
“I have nightmares about that night every so often. Mom says I should go and see someone about it, to just talk it out and offload. But... you know how bad I am at explaining my feelings.
It makes sense up here,” I say, pointing to my head and slapping my hand back down into the water. Sniffling to stop myself from crying more, I take a long-overdue deep breath and release it.
I find myself enveloped in darkness.
“And yet, here I am, talking to myself in the ocean. Maybe I should see a therapist? But then again, I treat Ben like my therapist. Or anyone who will sit and listen to me...”
Suddenly, I hear my name being called, along with Knox’s. I spin around to see him floating behind me. My eyes widen as I realize he could’ve been listening to me. The entire time.
I hastily wipe away my tears.
I quickly turn my gaze back to the setting sun. Sitting there in silence, I close my eyes, focusing on the rhythm of my breathing.
“I’ll come to visit you soon, Pop, I promise,” I whisper to myself, hoping that my unexpected companion won’t hear me. I’m left sitting there in the darkness on my board, unsure if he’s still there.
I start to paddle around, facing the shore, and begin to move towards it. I glance over my shoulder and confirm that he is, in fact, still there. I don’t look at him again and continue on my way.
Once I reach the shore, I wring out my hair, freeing it from the salty seawater. I bend down to untie myself from my board, placing it gently deck-side down on the sand.
As I stand back up, Knox picks up both towels and hands me one. I shake off the sand and pat myself dry. I can feel his gaze on me as he steps closer, while I wrap myself up in the towel.
A slight breeze makes me shiver involuntarily.
He’s standing in front of me now. I bring the towel up to my nose and look down at my feet, where my board lies. I can feel his proximity and take a step back, continuing to dry myself off.
I flip my board around to protect the fins and sit on top of it, waiting for the wind to dry my legs a bit more.
I feel the board dip behind me and hear a sigh escape from him. I dig my heels into the sand, shaking my feet.
“I won’t let him touch you,” he breaks the silence that has stretched between us since last night. I smile into my towel, pleased that he gave in first. He knew I wouldn’t be the one to break.
I see his legs on either side of me get closer. I feel his chest lean against my back, his chin resting on my shoulder. His arms wrap around me, the towel enveloping me.
I find myself leaning into his chest, but quickly snap out of it and return to my previous position. I’m not that easy. I’m not like those other girls who fall for his sweet words and rugged face.
“You can talk to me, baby doll,” he continues, making me laugh bitterly.
“For you to ignore me again? No thanks.”
“I wasn’t ignoring you, baby doll.”
“So you were just not talking to me?”
“Look, I’m sorry. But... it’s my way of keeping myself in... control.”
“Over myself.” I turn around on my board to face him.
“Well, you didn’t do such a good job in the shed. I’m not another one of those girls you can toy with, Knox.”
“I know you’re not, Alex. I never saw you as one. I never will see you like that.”
“Like what? Look, I know I’m so repulsive—”
“Repulsive? Are you kidding me? You’re not repulsive, Alex! Stop thinking of yourself like that—”
“Ugly, whatever—” I roll my eyes.
“Alex! Stop! You’re not repulsive or ugly. You’re—” His words are cut off by Wes shouting down at us to come inside and eat before the food is gone.
Not before I catch the glare he sends Knox’s way, watching us as we make our way towards the house.
I place my board inside the shed and stare at the wall, thinking about our earlier conversation. I close the door and look at Knox, seeing an emotion in his eyes that I can’t quite identify.
We walk inside and grab a plate, joining the rest of our friends and family on the deck. I listen to the light-hearted conversations, picking at my food.
My appetite is non-existent. I just fade into the background, listening to the different voices around me.