Chapter 14
Fourteen
GODR
W e traveled back to the clan more sedately than when we’d left.
I’d been unsurprised that someone followed me, but I’d expected Rath or maybe Drin, who had been nearby and often reassured me when I was upset.
The last person I expected was Ambrose. Especially after what Finn said he thought of me.
To see the brave tribute not only chasing me but riding on the back of Rhoddgorr, as well, nearly unseated me, my shock was so great.
Rhoddgorr wasn’t friendly with anyone. And yet he chose to allow Ambrose to ride him?
I studied the stallion as we trotted back to the clan.
He looked relaxed under Ambrose’s care, ears forward as he listened curiously to his surroundings, not pinned back like they usually were.
He didn’t even seem to mind Ambrose’s tight hold on him, the tribute seeming a little uncomfortable on the back of a stallion.
Next, my eyes took in the man riding beside me.
He’d told Einar that he didn’t fault me for the misunderstanding.
I wanted to ask more about that, but Einar refused to play translator for us.
I couldn’t understand how it wasn’t my fault that he thought such a thing.
And I still felt a great deal of pain thinking he’d forced himself to lie with me.
What moments had brought me such joy were moments of fear for him. That hurt me.
Now that I was aware of his feelings, I understood his responses better. Squeezing his eyes shut or refusing to look at me. Those were signs that he was afraid, not embarrassed or shy. I should have paid more attention. I shouldn’t have been so swept away by his attention.
Like he knew where my thoughts had headed, Ambrose steered Rhoddgorr closer to me and reached out to take my hand, squeezing gently.
It wasn’t much, a friendly gesture meant to reassure, but it meant the world to me.
I regretted having to let his hand go, but I risked yanking him off of Rhoddgorr’s back, holding his hand at the pace we were going.
It was better that he held on like before.
Matthew glanced over his shoulder at me, checking in on me.
He was a quiet one like Finn, but with a brave soul underneath his shyness.
He was learning to ride his own stallion, working to travel with Einar on his scouting journeys without being a burden.
He’d trained with Rath for a time in hunting, and I’d heard he was learning self defense with Simon as well.
He was a good brother to the clan, and he worked hard to earn his place among us.
I gave him a nod, knowing starting up a conversation would be too hard on him right now.
It had taken him a while to admit to the clan his difficulties with speech.
His town mistreated him because of it, making him too frightened to be able to get the words out.
He was still shy with his words in large groups, but when we were alone during his riding lessons with just Einar nearby, he spoke more clearly and with growing confidence.
I would not force him while he was uncomfortable.
Seeing Matthew and Einar only brought up more questions about Ambrose.
He’d said he volunteered to be here. I thought that was why he was so open to exploring sex.
Matthew had volunteered and accepted all parts of being in the clan.
It made me wonder if Ambrose was lying about volunteering.
If he truly thought he would be forced, he would not willingly volunteer. I assumed, anyway.
I grew more frustrated as time passed. I wanted to speak to Ambrose, to understand what had happened. It bothered me that I could not.
“Brother,” I said cautiously to Einar. He was already annoyed with Ambrose’s earlier comments, and I didn't want to piss him off. He’d hurt me for the insult. “How long did it take you to learn the common tongue?”
Einar barely glanced at me over his shoulder when he responded, “At least two seasons. I was taught initially by a companion who paid me for protection for a time. But it took a lot longer to truly understand the words after he moved on.”
I sighed. That was too long. The Ilvos clan would be here soon. The tributes from the other clans were only meant to spend a few weeks learning with Finn before moving on. The thought of not being able to communicate with Ambrose before he left crushed me. There was much I wished to say to him.
“Speak with the scribe,” Einar grunted. “He will translate for you.”
With a nod, I ended the conversation. It would do me no good to argue with him, despite knowing Finn was too overwhelmed right now to help us. Einar didn't care. His interests lay solely with the smaller man behind him. Even his clan wasn’t as important as Matthew was to him.
We arrived back with the clan during the midday meal.
I handed the stallions off to my other helper, Ferarn, to care for, since a discussion needed to be had with Ambrose.
I’d decided on the journey not to bother Finn or Zoya with the task of translating.
They were busy, and we’d caused enough trouble for them today.
Instead, I brought Ambrose to Orthorr. Our clan leader needed to know about the misunderstanding.
Hopefully he wouldn’t be too angry with me for my part in all of it.
Orthorr was in his tent, sitting in front of his table with his meal in front of him. I hadn’t wished to interrupt him, and was surprised he invited me in during his meal time. He usually ate with others and refused to discuss clan matters during that time.
“Apologies, clan leader. I can come back?—”
He waved away my concern, pointing at the table in front of me. “Sit.”
I urged Ambrose to sit across from Orthorr, taking the pillow next to his with a heavy sense of unease.
Perhaps I would need a translator for Orthorr as well.
He was acting strange. When Yamileth came in and handed each of us a bowl of our own food, I was confused. How had they known we were coming?
“I spoke with Rath,” he began, and I winced in response.
I should have expected my brother to speak with Orthorr, especially since Finn’s lessons were involved, but I had hoped to beat him to the punch.
Orthorr, who noticed my expression, nodded solemnly.
“It is a grave thing for a tribute to think they have no choice who they lie with. And while Finn assured me it was a misunderstanding, I believe I need to hear the whole story first before making judgment.”
My shoulders slumped. I had no argument for that. I could only hope Ambrose felt the same way he had before.
Orthorr turned to Ambrose, switching to the common tongue.
I listened to the sounds, trying to pick out words I might know, but it was hopeless.
I’d never bothered to learn the common tongue.
I rarely left my clan. I was the horsemaster, and I was needed here.
What point was there in learning a new language if I never left?
Ambrose’s gesturing caught my attention. He looked fierce, determined, and when he gestured at me, there was no animosity in his gaze. He looked… apologetic.
“Ambrose takes the blame on himself,” Orthorr translated.
“He says he never asked, nor did you give him any reason to think it was required to lay with you. He was frightened and listened to the rumors the towns spoke of our people, taking action to better protect himself. He thought if he initiated, he could control how far things went.”
While it made me feel a little better to hear that, I still ached to think he’d been frightened this whole time.
“What did I do to make him think he needed to protect himself from me? I thought—” I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat.
“I thought he enjoyed being with me. That he initiated because he wanted it…”
I couldn’t bring myself to look at Ambrose again. I still felt I was at fault. Something I had done made him think he had to force himself. His assumptions wouldn’t have continued if I was a better protector.
Long fingers gripped my chin, tipping my face to better look at Ambrose.
His brows were drawn tight together, his glasses making his warm brown eyes seem bigger.
“You did nothing wrong. You didn't force me. I came onto you. And…” His cheeks turned pink as he admitted, “I did enjoy it. You don’t have to worry about that.”
I paid attention to Orthorr’s translation, but kept my eyes glued to Ambrose as he spoke. “You are sure?”
Ambrose nodded when Orthorr repeated the question. “I’m sure. I’m sorry for making you feel like you were at fault. I was in shock and—” He cut himself off, shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter as long as you know you did nothing wrong.”
Letting the words sink in, I felt the pain in my chest slowly dissipate. He looked truthful, and there was no fear in his face that I could see. He was being honest. Reaching up, I took his hand, squeezing it between my own.
“I’m sorry I didn’t notice your fear. I will do better, I promise.”
“It seems to me that we should have a discussion with the tributes before meeting their protectors,” Orthorr said with a frown after finishing his translation.
“Other clan members have reported to me that their tributes have thought similarly thanks to those rumors. We have always tried to show the tributes with actions that they are safe. But as Finn and the rest of the newest tributes are pointing out, we may be doing things wrong and causing unnecessary trauma despite our best intentions. Uttin has made mention of changes he thinks will help. I sometimes struggle to understand the need for it,” he admitted.
He paused for a long moment, his eyes going distant.
“Perhaps soon we should consider a tournament. It might be time for someone younger to take my place.”
My eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Clan leader? You are thinking of stepping down?”
“Perhaps, in the next year or so. Too much is changing recently, and I’ve noticed many clan leaders of my generation are reluctant to make change. If we wish to do better for our tributes, younger leaders might be necessary.”
He could be right. It had been the older generations that set up the way he did things in the first place.
“I think we should all be learning the common tongue,” I suggested. “Would it really be so wrong to be able to understand our tributes when they come? To put them at ease with their own words before showing them in ours that they are safe?”
He sighed. “It is something I must discuss with the other clan leaders. Changing the way the tributes learn is already a big change. I do not think changing such things will be easily accepted, and with us in charge of the tributes’ learning, we need their permission for such things.”
That was true. We worked together with our allied clans and making the decision to learn the common tongue would directly affect the tributes and could make their lives more complicated when they moved on.
But it was worth a try. At least to avoid misunderstandings like this one.
If I could go back and explain things to Ambrose, I would in a heartbeat. Anything to make him feel safe with me.