Chapter 19
Nineteen
AMbrOSE
T he meal was tense, and I couldn’t stomach eating much of it.
I normally handed the bowl off to Godr when I was too full, but he wasn’t faring any better than I was.
His normal smile was missing, and a dark look had overtaken his face ever since Patrick had translated for me.
It was hard enough for me to tell the story the first time.
I didn’t have the patience or the heart to try again in the barbarian language.
I was getting ready to suggest Godr and I head back to his tent to rest when Uttin appeared beside the fire. “Ambrose. Good news. Two from the Ilvos clan have arrived to escort you. You will leave in the morning.”
My stomach sank. I’d known from the start I wouldn’t be staying here, but it still felt too soon now that they’d actually arrived to take me away.
I’d grown comfortable here. I helped the healers when I could, enjoyed learning something new, and Godr—I couldn’t look at him.
I couldn’t see that pained look on his face again. It would kill me.
Uttin looked at me expectantly, so I forced myself to smile and nod. “Alright. I, uh… I’ll be staying one more night with Godr?”
“If you’re more comfortable, yes. Otherwise you can stay with your escorts. Come and meet them for now?”
He said it like a question, but it didn’t really feel like I had another option.
It wasn’t like I could refuse to go with them just because I was more comfortable here.
I stood, clenching my hands to hide the tremble in them, and followed Uttin away from the fire and toward the village center.
I was almost afraid to look back, worried Godr wouldn’t follow.
I’d been so determined not to admit I wanted him, and yet the moment it was time for me to go, the thought of walking away made me want to throw up.
Orthorr stood by the big fire in the village center with two strangers in a different style of clothing than the clan I’d been staying with wore.
Godr’s clan had fur-lined boots and thick trousers, clothes that better suited a colder climate, even if a good percent of them went without tunics in the chillier weather.
The newcomers’ clothes were lighter, and they wore cloaks over one shoulder in a deep blue that stood out in the sea of browns and creams Godr’s clan wore.
Othorr spoke slowly as he introduced us so I could understand. “Ah, here he is. Ambrose, this is Varr and Takr. They are from the Ilvos clan. Brothers, this is Ambrose. He is a physician and has been a great help to our healers since his arrival.”
Varr seemed pleased, nodding in greeting, but Takr’s once-over made me uneasy. He looked at me like a piece of meat. Finn had said each clan was different, but no one ever said anything about the Ilvos clan being bad. What were the chances they just didn't know?
A warm presence at my back surprised me, and relief flooded through me when Godr’s voice spoke behind me. “Watch it,” he growled. “You will act respectful or face me.”
The rough growl coming from the normally joyful barbarian made me shiver. I looked at him over my shoulder, taking in the dark look on his face, and felt my cheeks flush a little. The protective act wasn’t helping me keep my distance from him.
“Mind your tongue,” Takr shot back. “He is not of your clan. He belongs to the Ilvos clan.”
Godr looked ready to argue that, but Varr interjected before things got bloody, stepping between the two seething barbarians. “Enough. Takr meant no offense to Em-brow’s protector. We appreciate you watching over him in our stead.”
When neither immediately backed down, Orthorr spoke, his tone a warning, “Godr. Mind yourself.”
Godr had no choice but to listen. He took a step back, bowing his head to his clan leader in response. Othorr sighed, exasperated.
“Ambrose, you will sleep in the receiving tent tonight with Varr and Takr and?—”
“I thought I could stay with Godr tonight. Uttin said it was okay if it made me more comfortable,” I blurted in the common tongue because I wasn’t confident I could argue my point with my limited grasp of the barbarian language.
Orthorr raised an eyebrow at Uttin, who shrugged. “He looked nervous. I thought it best for him to get a good night’s sleep with someone he is comfortable with before his journey.”
Thank the goddess for Uttin. Orthorr accepted his explanation with a nod and translated for the two escorts.
Varr didn’t seem bothered by the request, but Takr looked annoyed.
He seemed to think better than to argue with a clan leader, though, and kept his opinions to himself.
They were led away for a late supper, and Godr didn’t stick around to chat.
He grabbed my elbow, steering me away from the village center and toward his tent.
Once we were inside, he released me and paced the short space.
He was angry, I could see it in his face, but he didn’t explain why.
It couldn’t just be that Takr looked at me funny, right?
Why did that thought thrill me a little?
What was it about this barbarian that made all my preconceived notions about myself go up in flames?
The area of the tent was too small to pace in, and he was only making me dizzy prowling around like that.
When he came back toward me, it was my turn to grab him, pulling him out of the tent and over to the fence.
He hopped it without waiting for me, and I followed him out into the field where the horses were resting for the night, covered in colorful blankets to keep them warm.
Mine was nowhere to be seen, too gnarled to even pass as a blanket. Weaving was not a skill of mine.
He didn’t stop until he was as far from the village as he could get without leaving the pasture, staring out into the darkness past the fence line.
For a long time, he didn’t say anything to me.
I only called out to him when I noticed he had goosebumps on his arms, and I was starting to shake from the cold.
“Godr?”
“I’m sorry,” he muttered. “You do not need to stay. You need rest before your journey.”
“But—”
“I am not good company this night. If you wish to stay with your new protectors, I will understand. Your happiness is all that matters to me.”
He said that, but the way his hands clenched told another story.
He was as happy about me leaving as I felt.
A rush of emotions swam through me: pain, regret, sadness, and a broken sort of hope that I knew better than to examine too closely.
I couldn’t stay with him. While learning about the clans and the way they worked, Finn had explained that while they were allies, it wasn’t a close bond between all the clans.
There were rivalries, and respect was a foundation to their interactions.
The Ilvos clan was taking a great leap of trust by letting me come here and learn from Finn.
If I tried demanding to stay, even if it was something as simple as feeling more comfortable here, it could have devastating consequences.
I’d caused enough trouble for the clan already. But maybe… Maybe I could say goodbye.
“Come with me,” I said, my pronunciation of the language still stilted and awkward.
Godr understood me, though, and took the hand I held out to him with a frown.
I drew him back toward the clan and his tent, patting Rhoddgorr as I passed.
I tried not to think about how I wouldn’t see him anymore either.
I should’ve known better than to let myself get attached to the people here. I’d lost enough in my life already.
When we stepped back into Godr’s tent, I stepped out of my boots, dragging Godr toward the bed. He seemed surprised when I drew him down onto it, nevertheless following my lead as I pushed him onto his back like he had been the first time I did this.
The first brush of my lips over his made him gasp, and I took full advantage, sliding my tongue into his mouth.
He groaned in response, his fingers sliding into my hair making tingles spread along my scalp.
I try to block out the thoughts that this would be the last time.
The only time I was doing this fully aware of the choice I was making.
I wasn’t doing this to protect myself. I was doing it because I wanted to connect with him one more time before I left another place that felt like home.
When I pulled my tunic off over my head, his fingers dug into my skin, dragging me back down for another kiss.
Neither of us had lit the lantern on the small table, so it was too dark to see much of his expression.
Instead, I listened to the sounds he made, the feel of his skin on mine.
I wasn’t afraid this time. I trusted him.
Trousers came off next, and when our naked bodies pressed together, Godr choked out a moan that made me so hard, I thought I might combust. I ground my hips against his, hissing at the sparks of pleasure as his thick cock rubbed against mine.
Godr’s kisses turned desperate as we moved against each other. He gasped into my mouth, whining when I slowed my movements. I didn’t want this to be over too soon.
“Ambrose,” he whined against my lips. “In me. Please.”
My movements faltered, and I lifted to look at him, forgetting for a moment that it was too dark to see. “What?”
“I want to feel you. Just once.”
Lust and need surged through me, but it was tinged with a little uncertainty. Rubbing against each other was one thing. Could I truly fuck him like he wanted me to? It was better than thinking he would fuck me, but still…
He noticed my hesitation and pulled back, cupping my face in his calloused hands. “You don’t have to. Whatever makes you happiest.”
Warmth swept over me at the sentiment. He always made me the priority. This time, I wanted to do something for him. I pushed away any discomfort, rolling my hips against his just once to hear him gasp before asking, “Oil?”
His breath caught, and he scrambled to grab the bottle, passing it to me in the dark. “You are sure?”
“Yes.” Then because I didn’t have the words in the barbarian language, I switched to the common tongue, knowing he wouldn’t be able to understand me but hoping the tone was enough.
“I want to fuck you. I want to feel you wrapped around my cock. You are the only man I’ve ever wanted to be with.
I don’t want to leave without knowing what it feels like to be with you. ”
He groaned at my lust-roughened words, lifting his hips in search of friction. Rolling off him, I ignored his whining protest, dipping my fingers into the oil and reaching between his legs.
“Ah! Ambrose!” he shouted, thighs clamping on my arm to keep me there.
I fought back a smirk. My knowledge of this area was all clinical, but I knew enough to know what he’d like.
I slid one finger in, listening for any signs of pain or discomfort.
He only groaned in response, which encouraged me to keep going.
I slid another finger in with the first, waiting until his body relaxed before crooking them to rub against the front of his passage.
“ Ungh !”
My cock kicked every time he made noises like that, leaking precum like a fountain.
My surprise over my response to touching a man like this was buried under layers of lust and need.
It took a lot of mental fortitude to keep stretching him and ignore the desperation coursing through me.
I poured out more oil, adding another finger as I pressed them back inside him.
He writhed and moaned, growing louder with each passing minute.
“Shh… people will hear you,” I whispered, my face burning at the thought.
He either didn’t hear me or didn’t care because the next time my fingers brushed his prostate, he cried out and started to babble, half-formed pleas spilling out of his mouth that I had no hope of understanding while he was so worked up.
Figuring I’d prepared him enough, I pulled my fingers free, spreading more oil on my cock. Maybe too much oil, because it was getting everywhere, but Godr didn’t seem to care. He scrambled onto all fours, reaching back to pull me closer like he couldn’t stand being apart from me any longer.
I thought my mind would protest once I reached this point, but it wasn’t entirely different from other sex I’d experienced.
He was hot, slick with oil, and tight around my cock, making my eyes roll back into my head in response to the long-forgotten sensation.
My breath whooshed out of me, and I moved on instinct, pulling back and pushing inside him again, deeper and deeper until I was fully sheathed inside him.
Godr was still babbling, rocking like he wasn’t interested in waiting for his body to adjust. I rolled my hips, relishing the way his body tightened around mine.
This wouldn’t last long. It had been too many years since I was with someone else.
Desperate to bring him with me, I snapped my hips, searching for the right angle, almost crowing in triumph when his body contorted, and he shouted in pleasure.
I pounded that angle, gritting my teeth against the urge to come, feeling his body tighten around me until it became too much, and I couldn’t hold back anymore.
“Fuck!”
My release hit me like a sledgehammer, and my body moved of its own accord, bucking into Godr as I rode out the waves of my most powerful climax.
I was beyond grateful to hear Godr’s moans as he followed me.
His body tightened rhythmically around mine, dragging out my release until I thought I might pass out.
We both collapsed next to each other on the bedding, breathing hard and covered in sweat despite the cool night air outside the tent.
I waited for my mind to protest what I’d done, the fact that I’d been with a man, but it never happened.
I was just… happy. For one moment, I was happy where I was.
Until I remembered that this was goodbye, and I’d probably never see Godr again after I left.
Another crack in my heart left me choking on air.
Leaving my home, leaving my son behind, had been the hardest thing I’d ever done.
I didn’t think I would survive it. Now, after finding a new place to call home, it felt like leaving again might destroy me completely, and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to bear it.