Chapter Twenty-Two
Amira held Otto in her arms as night turned into day. They’d spent a miserable four hours in the bomb shelter during the evening, crammed into the basement with other residents of the apartment block, and even when she’d returned to her apartment in the early hours, she still hadn’t been able to find sleep. She’d been planning on rushing to Gisele’s as soon as she got home from begging for Fred’s release, but then the sirens had gone off and she’d been forced to stay put until morning.
She’d tossed and turned, the sheets a web of cotton around her, trying to imagine where Fred might be. Would he be crammed into a train wagon, rattling along – or perhaps stationary, while the SS looked for more men and women to deport, to fill the wagons before making the journey to Poland?
Amira eventually rose and let the little dog go, putting together a small bowl of food for him and pouring herself a glass of water. She couldn’t stomach any food herself, so she went to wash while Otto finished his breakfast.
What am I supposed to do now?
Should she go to the authorities and ask questions, or was the risk too great? Other than demanding that he be sent home, she had no idea what to do. But as she brushed her teeth and stared at her reflection in the mirror, barely recognising the dark-rimmed eyes looking back at her, she knew who she had to ask. She’d wrestled with the thought all night, but the longer she had to think about it, the clearer it became to her.
Never once had she asked him for a favour before, but Hans was the only person who might be able to help her, and as much as she didn’t want to ask him, it might be the only way she could keep Fred safe. Previously, she might have asked Gisele for help and crossed her fingers that Hans would oblige if the request came from his wife, but this was Fred. Fred, who’d held her as she cried after Maxi, who’d cared for her when she’d been too weak to rise, who’d promised her that life would be worth living again.
Fred had lifted her up during her darkest moments, and she wasn’t going to let him down now.
Amira was too nervous to leave little Otto alone at home in case of a daytime bombing or the awful SS men coming back looking for her. At best, she could imagine them letting him out the door, and at worst... she didn’t even want to think of the cruelty they could show an animal given their brutality against their own kind. So, she decided to take him with her.
It was a brisk twenty-minute walk to Gisele’s house, and despite the early hour there were already people lined up at the bakery and butcher’s, waiting for a fresh loaf of bread and the best cuts of meat for the day. She glanced down at her wedding ring, remembering how safe she’d felt when they’d first married, and how genuinely she’d believed that they would both be able to avoid detection. How wrong we were.
She could only imagine that someone from his past had leveraged information on Fred in return for something, although she still thought that their marriage should have stopped deportation, or at least made them question the validity of such information.
Amira stood outside Gisele’s house to catch her breath, looking down at Otto, who was already wagging his tail, clearly excited about playing with the children. But she watched the house carefully before approaching, not certain if Gisele’s mother would be there.
‘Come on then, let’s get this over with,’ she muttered to the dog, hesitantly taking a step forward.
‘Get what over with?’
She almost jumped out of her skin when Hans spoke behind her, his deep voice taking her by surprise.
‘Hans! You frightened the life out of me.’
‘I was out early for a meeting before I leave for the week,’ he said, moving past her to open the door. ‘Please, come in. Is Gisele expecting you?’
Amira cleared her throat. ‘Actually, I was hoping for a moment of your time,’ she said. ‘If it’s convenient.’
He looked surprised, but he was quick to point her down the hallway. ‘Of course. I’ll ask Gisele to make us coffee.’
‘Hans, I don’t suppose Gisele’s mother is home? I’d hate to disturb her if they’re spending time together.’
‘No, we have a blissful few days before she arrives again. She returned home to organise her affairs before moving here permanently. You won’t be interrupting at all.’
Amira tried not to show her relief and bent to let Otto off his leash, watching as he ran down the hallway, with excited squeals soon following. She smiled, the feeling unfamiliar to her after two such traumatic days, her eyes burning from lack of sleep and all the tears they’d shed. First Maxi and then Fred: as if she were destined to have her heart broken at every turn.
It wasn’t long before Hans returned, and she followed him into his study, which was panelled in dark timber, with endless books lining the shelves. His copy of Mein Kampf was sitting on a side table beside a lamp, and she turned her back slightly so that she wasn’t facing it. Just the sight of the book made her feel ill.
‘So, what brings you here today? I don’t think you’ve ever called in before and asked to see me.’
‘Well, I was very much hoping that you might be able to help me, Hans,’ she said, nervously toying with the hem of her coat. ‘Something dreadful has happened, and I, I—’
He looked past her and she turned to see Gisele entering the room with a tray. She was carrying a pot of coffee and three cups.
‘Amira, what’s the matter? Your eyes are as red as can be.’
She quickly wiped away fresh tears as Gisele set the tray down and turned to her. They’d seen little of each other since the news of Maxi’s passing, although Gisele had come by daily in the first week to check in on her.
‘Hans, what’s all this about?’
Amira looked up at Hans, holding his gaze and suddenly wondering if he had any knowledge of what had happened. She hadn’t considered it before, but looking at him now, in his uniform... She swallowed, hoping she was wrong.
‘Fred was taken yesterday afternoon by the SS,’ she said, looking between them. ‘I was so worried about him, and then when I got home, they... they...’ She shut her eyes tight and tried to purge the image from the day before from her mind.
‘Taken?’ Gisele asked, her voice a higher pitch than Amira had ever heard. ‘Taken? Fred was taken?’
‘He hadn’t been home in three days, and when I arrived back to our apartment yesterday he was being dragged down the street. I was told he was being deported.’
‘He’s been missing and you didn’t come to me? Amira! You should have come straight here and told us! There’s clearly been some mistake!’
‘Did they tell you where they were taking him?’ Hans asked.
Amira noticed that he appeared less surprised than Gisele, who looked as if she might faint. Hans was steadily watching Gisele, with no expression at all on his face, and she found it most unsettling.
‘He’s one of the most talented musicians in Berlin!’ Gisele cried. ‘How could Fred be taken? He’s as good as a national treasure, and Hans, he was only performing for you all so recently. I just cannot—’
‘Where was he taken, Amira? Did they tell you?’
‘ Auschwitz ,’ she said. ‘The SS men told me he was being taken to Auschwitz.’
The room fell silent. The only noise Amira could hear was the sound of her own breath as the word settled between them.
‘Auschwitz?’ Gisele finally echoed. ‘The death camp?’
Amira ran the word over in her mind, just as she had done every minute of every hour since she’d lost sight of him. Auschwitz, Auschwitz, Auschwitz. It was like a record she couldn’t stop playing. They all knew there was a reason no one came back; so many pleaded ignorance, but in truth, they knew what happened there, and she couldn’t bear to think that Fred might never come home.
‘Yes.’
‘Do you know why he was arrested?’ asked Hans.
‘Hans, how would she know why he was arrested? She’s come here for help, not to be interrogated!’
He folded his arms across his chest, his eyes never leaving Amira’s. ‘Amira came here today to see me, and that indicates to me that she would like my help in some way. So, I will ask again, do you know why Fred was arrested? Did anyone explain it to you?’
Amira hung her head. This was the part she did not want to share with Hans. It had been hard for her to accept when she’d first found out, before she’d come to understand that the love Fred felt for his partner was no different than the way she felt for Maxi. A shiver ran through her, and she tried to imagine Fred standing beside her, strong and steady. For she only had to tell Hans why he’d been arrested; she still had every intention of concealing the truth from him. He is a tolerant man, but I fear that even he wouldn’t tolerate this. Gisele’s words from the night Amira had first met Fred echoed through her mind.
‘Hans was arrested on suspicion of having...’ Amira hesitated, deeply uncomfortable. ‘Of having relations with another man.’
The words sat heavy in the room between them, until Hans eventually cleared his throat. Amira couldn’t bring herself to look at Gisele; she was afraid if she did they’d give away that they both knew.
‘Well, that is highly unusual for a married man to be accused of such a thing,’ Gisele muttered. ‘The authorities would only have to take one look at his new bride, and his paperwork, to see what a grave mistake they’d made. It’s outrageous if you ask me.’
‘Is this something you were aware of, Amira? These rumours?’ Hans asked. ‘I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you, as his wife, to hear such a thing.’
‘I, I—’ She let out a breath. ‘Hans, I just want my husband home. I love him very much, and a dreadful mistake has been made.’ She hoped that he wouldn’t be able to detect her lie. ‘He’s everything a husband should be to a wife, of that I can assure you.’
He held her gaze, as if waiting for her to say something else, but she chose not to. She’d made a promise to Fred to keep his secret, and she intended on honouring that promise. She also had no doubt that he would have fought for her, would have begged anyone for favours to ensure her safe return if it had been her who was taken. He’d proven to her over the past month what type of person, what type of friend , he was.
‘Please, is there anything you can do to help him? I am begging you, please do something, anything , to help me bring him home.’
Hans sat on the edge of his desk, his legs crossed at the ankles and his palms against the wooden top. ‘Amira, from what I understand, Fred was given up by his... what should I call him.’ He paused, looking most uncomfortable as he glanced at his wife. ‘By his lover , for want of a better term.’
Amira couldn’t breathe. She placed her palm on her chest, fought for every gasp of air as she stared back at Hans. Hans had known, and he hadn’t done anything to help. He’d known what Fred had been accused of, which meant that he must have known what was going to happen.
‘You knew he was going to be arrested?’ Gisele asked, frantically. ‘You knew that Amira’s husband was going to be taken, and you did nothing ?’
Hans tugged at the top button of his shirt as if it were suddenly too tight.
‘I was aware in recent days that he was under suspicion for being a homosexual, which we all know is illegal and an offence punishable by imprisonment. It seemed strange to me, given your recent marriage, but his lover gave up Fred and a number of other men from their circle of acquaintances,’ he said. ‘I’m afraid that he may have made you believe that he was something he was not, and quite frankly, given the speed of your courtship...’
Amira gulped as she tried to comprehend what he was telling her. She wasn’t sure what was worse – the fact that Hans had known, or that this man, presumably Christoph, had given up his name and whereabouts. If Fred ever found out about such a betrayal... she imagined it would break him, knowing the person he loved had done such a thing. All those hours they’d talked about what it would be like when they were both reunited with those they loved, and yet Fred’s had given him up just like that, presumably to save himself.
‘Would this man, this lover as you’ve described him, have given up that information readily?’ Amira asked, trying to keep her voice level as she spoke to Hans. ‘Or would it have been to free himself from prison or a camp? To save himself from death?’
Hans didn’t reply.
‘I’m only trying to understand how such a lie could be accepted about a married man,’ she said. ‘If a person said this under coercion, then how is it to be believed in the first place? Wouldn’t a man say anything to save his own life? And Fred is an easy target. He’s well known and people are jealous of his success.’
Hans blinked back at her as if to tell her that he wasn’t a fool; it was as if he knew she was lying. Amira tried to hold her expression steady, not to buckle under his scrutiny. Because why would he suspect that she knew?
‘You truly want to know?’ Hans asked.
She nodded, her anger simmering. ‘Yes, I do. I very much want to know how testimony from another resulted in my husband being taken, without due process being followed.’
‘Yes, Amira, this man would likely have been, how should I say this, pressured into giving his information. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.’
Amira’s stomach turned as she understood what he was trying to tell her. ‘You’re saying he would have been tortured? In order to give up whatever he knew?’
Hans simply nodded, and Amira pressed her hand over her mouth as bile rose inside of her, imagining what they might have done to Christoph, and what might be in store for Fred.
‘Is there anything you can do to help me? To find out what happened to him after he was taken?’ she asked. ‘I’m begging you, Hans. Please help me, please find a way to get Fred home to me. I would go to the authorities, but—’
‘Amira, I’m sorry, but there’s little I can do to assist you, not in a case such as this.’
It was then she realised that Gisele was silent. Her friend’s face had drained of all colour as she stared at her husband, her expression almost impossible to read. Amira had never seen her look so pained before.
‘Hans, please,’ Gisele said, slowly, as if she could barely get the words out. ‘Why do you know so much about what happened to him?’
Amira watched the way her friend’s face contorted in horror as Hans stared back at her. His silence somehow said it all. Amira shut her eyes, not wanting to see. She couldn’t bear to watch her friend break before her, nor her husband – a man Amira trusted despite everything he stood for – admit to being part of what had happened. Because Gisele was right; he did know too much. At best, he’d known and hadn’t done anything to stop it from happening. But there was more to it than Hans simply being in receipt of the knowledge. She’d come to him for help, and instead, he’d been part of it all along.
‘Hans!’ Gisele screamed. ‘Look at me and tell me you didn’t have anything to do with what’s happened to Fred!’
Hans dropped his head, one hand raised to massage his forehead as if he were somehow trying to erase something.
‘What is she going to do to keep safe now? You have no idea what you’ve done, Hans. No idea at all! Without Fred—’
‘Gisele, please,’ Amira began, before she was quickly interrupted.
‘Amira, I need to speak to my wife.’ His voice dropped an octave. ‘Alone.’