Chapter Thirty-Two Amira
Chapter Thirty-Two
Amira
Amira touched her stomach, turning side to side as if it might change what she could see there. She’d always been slender, but since arriving at Buchenwald she’d become painfully thin, despite the fact that they didn’t have to work and received more generous portions of food than the general camp prisoners; even so, there was a definite roundness to her abdomen. She counted back in her mind to when Maxi had been home, to the blissful days they’d spent together, trying to work out exactly how far along she was. She’d been certain about her pregnancy before, but this somehow made it more real. She was also starting to realise just what she’d done; what a perilous situation she’d put both herself and the baby in by entering the camp.
You have to tell Fred. She sighed, trying to ignore the voice in her head. Of course she needed to tell Fred, but he’d been so sad since she arrived, and she didn’t want to add to the weight of what he was carrying around, even though their good news would help to indicate that their marriage wasn’t a sham. But now she was showing, now that it seemed real, it was time.
Amira walked back into the room where she and Fred slept, along with some of the other prisoners. She had hoped to be sharing their sleeping quarters with Léon Blum and his much younger wife, Janot, given they had both followed their men into the camp, but the former French leader had his own quarters and a rotation of guards who watched his every move.
‘Fred,’ she murmured, as she sat down beside him on their bed, knowing that if she didn’t tell him then and there, she’d lose her nerve all over again.
He was still tucked beneath their threadbare blanket, often sleeping in after playing for the commanders or the larger groups of SS until late in the evenings to entertain them, but he roused when she nudged his shoulder. He still felt painfully thin beneath his clothes, even though he kept telling her that he was fine and appreciated the better meals he was receiving. She knew how much he hated it though, when he was given extra food at the commander’s quarters, because there was no way he could bring any back for her.
Amira had not stopped worrying about him since she’d arrived in the camp, knowing that he was finding it almost impossible to stop being lost in his thoughts, his memories as painful as hers. The only difference was that she was better at pushing them away and focusing on the here and now.
‘Fred,’ she said again.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, turning over and rubbing at his eyes as he pushed himself up to a sitting position. ‘Is something the matter?’
‘I don’t know how to say this, but—’
His eyes widened, visible even in the almost dark. ‘Did someone hurt you while I was gone? Has something happened?’
‘Fred, I’m pregnant.’
‘Pregnant?’ he repeated. ‘You’re pregnant ?’
‘Yes,’ she said, her voice barely a whisper. ‘We’re going to be parents.’
They both stared at one another, and when he saw that she was starting to cry he folded her in his arms. ‘Don’t cry, Amira. This is the most beautiful, unexpected of gifts.’
She shook her head. It didn’t feel like a gift; it felt like another way for her heart to be ripped from her body. It felt like pain in its most raw form – a baby, fathered by a man she’d loved with all her heart, a man their child would never meet.
‘I thought it was the right thing in coming here, but now that I’m here, now that I can see what it’s like—’ I should never have come here pregnant. I cannot have a baby behind the gates of this godawful camp!
Fred held her as she began to cry, soothing her by stroking her back and rocking her gently in his arms. It wasn’t until she looked up at him through red-rimmed, burning eyes that he pressed a kiss to her forehead and said words that she knew she would never forget for as long as she lived. Possibly the kindest words that a man could have ever said to her, that any other human could have ever said to her.
‘Shhh, Amira, everything is going to be fine. I promise.’
‘I thought this would save us, that they’d finally believe...’
He kissed her head. ‘I understand now, why you came. I wish you hadn’t, but I do understand.’
They’d made a show for the guards of touching and sleeping tucked tightly together, in front of the other prisoners as well, in case anyone had been tasked with reporting back to the SS. But this was the proof they needed, and they both knew it.
‘We will love this baby like the miracle he or she is,’ he murmured, only loud enough for her to hear. ‘Whatever happens, she will know that she’s loved more than any other child in the world, by both of us. This changes everything, truly it does.’
‘You would do that for me?’
‘You’re forgetting the promises we made each other, Amira. We’re in this together, you’re my wife , and I will love our child for as long as I live. This is not ideal, but it won’t stop us from being parents.’ His body softened against hers, his eyes telling her that he understood, that he knew how painful it was for her to be carrying Maxi’s child. ‘I was beginning to wonder what it’s all for, whether it was even worth the struggle, but a child? That gives us both a reason to survive.’
‘You’re prepared to be—’
‘Yes. I am,’ he interrupted, before leaning in close and whispering into her ear. ‘This will be my child as much as it will be yours. I am his or her father, without question, if that’s what you want.’
She sat beside him for a long while, his words like a cradle, holding her together. But even his kindness was marred by the fact that they were going to have a baby at Buchenwald, and regardless of their guest status, she was well aware that that could change at any time. At any moment, the Axis powers could win, and those that were held would no longer have any value, although at least she and Fred were Germans, at least he had something to offer the Reich. With a baby on the way, they could at least try to prove that the charges against him had been false, that the dreaded pink triangle pinned to him when he’d first arrived was a mistake at best.
‘Can we keep this a secret, for now?’ she asked. ‘I don’t know if I’m ready for anyone else to find out, and all the worries that will come along with it, even though it’s good news for us. I’m terrified of being taken to the camp doctor.’
‘We can’t keep this a secret forever, but we could hold off for a little while to see if the Allies make more progress.’ Fred was still for a moment. ‘This could save me, but I’ve heard the rumours. I would never forgive myself if the doctor...’
She shuddered, not needing him to continue to know what he was thinking. She’d heard of the experiments they did on homosexual men in an attempt to sterilise them, and the infectious diseases they were injecting into prisoners, causing them all to die eventually. It wasn’t only herself she was afraid for now, it was the baby growing inside of her, too. They would have to take her kicking and screaming, but at the end of the day, there was nothing anyone could do to resist the SS guards.
‘We will find a way to keep the baby safe,’ Fred said. ‘And perhaps Hans can help us? Could we trust him with this secret?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘But we might have to tell him, anyway.’
She didn’t share that Hans had told her once she was inside the camp, there would be little he could do to help.
Amira placed her hand over her stomach, imagining the life growing inside of her as she looked around at the stark barracks, and considered the reality of what it would be like to give birth there, even if another woman was kind enough to assist her, sending a shiver through her body and making every little hair on her skin stand on end.
Bringing a baby into Buchenwald would be a horror that she didn’t even want to think about. When she’d first realised she was pregnant, the idea of having a baby was nothing more than an idea, not something she could imagine happening in reality. But now that she was progressing through her pregnancy, she was left wondering how she could have been so short-sighted, and how she’d ever forgive herself if her baby didn’t survive because of the decision she’d made, especially when this might be her only chance to become a mother. Because Fred was right; her pregnancy was a miracle.
Her only consolation was that she’d seen Fred come to life with the news, which made her believe he had the will to survive, that she’d truly given him a reason to live. She could only hope he’d be able to protect all three of them.
Two weeks later, Amira tried to hide her excitement at hearing Hans’ voice outside the door to their barracks. Every day since telling Fred about her pregnancy, she’d prayed that Hans would come to see them, and every day she’d been disappointed. Until today.
‘I’m here to visit the political prisoners and check on their condition,’ he said. ‘Yes, I’m perfectly fine in there alone, I doubt any of them are going to try to jump me, given the comfortable conditions they’re being held under.’
She listened to Hans joke around and laugh before the door was finally hauled back, and she purposely kept her eyes averted when he entered. He’d made it clear that even those prisoners housed with them shouldn’t know of their personal relationship, in an effort to keep them all safe.
‘Do we have any illnesses or complaints?’ he asked as he walked through the building. ‘I trust you are all well?’
There were a few murmurs, but no one had anything to report, and Hans approached them, his gaze set on Fred as he spoke.
‘Ahh, it is our famous pianist,’ he said, stepping closer and bending down to look at Fred. ‘He is the only one here who knows what it’s like on the other side of the camp, so if you ever think of trying anything stupid, he will be most equipped to warn you of the fate you will face.’
Amira quickly reached for the paper and pen that Hans had dropped covertly beside where she was sitting, while he was still talking to Fred.
‘Perhaps when you’re all feeling miserable about being here, you can ask him what it’s like for everyone else.’
Amira knew snippets of what it was like out there – it was impossible, for instance, not to know what the concrete building with the large chimney billowing smoke all day was for, or not to hear the cries of pain from some of the prisoners. There were even whispers of inmates being hanged around the camp square, just to terrorise the living into submission.
But she pushed all that from her mind as Hans turned sharply on his heel and called for Léon Blum, who was in the adjoining room. It gave her the chance to sit behind Fred and write Gisele a hurried letter, her hand trembling as she clenched the pen between her forefinger and thumb. She wouldn’t have long before Hans came past again, and she would either have it ready for him to take, or have to wait until the next time he visited, and she had no intention of doing that. The news she had to share with Gisele couldn’t wait.
When he did finally come back, she had the letter folded and ready. Hans bent to tie his shoelace, leaning so that she could slip him the letter, which he put into the sleeve of his jacket. Amira shivered with worry as she imagined it falling out, but she knew how careful he was and tried to push the thought away.
‘Are you well?’ he whispered.
Amira nodded. ‘We’re fine.’
‘Just remember that they let a princess die here. Don’t get complacent and think that you’re not dispensable to them, because you are. Everyone is, including me.’
She shuddered. ‘I understand.’
‘Gisele sends her love and best wishes.’
Amira ached to ask him about the children, to hear what they’d been doing and to enquire about Otto, too, but she knew they’d already said too much. She would simply have to wait and hope for a letter in return.
When Hans stood, he did a little walk about the barracks as if he were doing a general inspection, before tapping twice on the door for it to be opened.
‘You would like to see the crematorium now?’ one of the outside guards asked. ‘It’s working to capacity again, so I think you’ll be very happy with our current output.’
Amira didn’t know if it was the pregnancy or the idea of the bodies they were burning, but she vomited right there where she was standing as she heard the rhythmic clack-clack of Hans’ boots walking away.