Chapter 13
Denise, a genuine miracle worker, has got both Lila and Sidney practising their letter writing before tea. She also has a chicken stew bubbling on the hob in Joe’s kitchen, which Lila “cannot wait” to eat, and a freshly baked Victoria sponge awaiting jam and cream. She’s heavenly.
‘Is it odd that I wanted to stay and let your mum feed me, too?’ I ask Joe as we leave his house and head back to school for the parents meeting.
He laughs.
‘I can relate. Mum’s chicken stew is my all-time favourite comfort food, plus it’s cold and dark out. Remind me why we’re going out again?’
‘You know perfectly well,’ I retort.
‘But the mums, Sophie. The mums!’
He bumps my arm with his and I look at him to see him grinning ear to ear.
I respond with my best don’t-be-a-baby face, wrapping my coat around me tighter as we fall into a companionable, contented silence.
‘I hope Lila and I are as close as you and your mum when she’s older,’ I say after a pause, Joe walking briskly alongside me.
‘You will be,’ he replies, quick as a flash. ‘You’re a great mum, Sophie.’
I find myself stopping dead on the pavement. He turns to face me.
‘That’s such a lovely thing to say.’ I sniff.
Joe considers this. ‘Being a parent is mad, isn’t it? You’ve got no clue whether you’re doing it right. I know I’ve only known you for, what, a month? But it’s clear that you and Lila have a very sweet bond.’
‘I feel the same about you and Sid. It’s reassuring, in a way, because I see that children can be happy and live whole, fulfilled lives without the classic set-up of having two parents around.’
‘I agree …’ Joe trails off.
‘I sense there’s a but coming?’
‘You’re right in a sense. Okay – here’s the but … Being an only parent puts a lot of pressure on one set of shoulders and personally, I would like to share that with someone else.’
‘To be fair, Joe, you could have your pick,’ I say after a pause. He only has to arrive at the school gates to send the other mums into a frenzy. Imagine what he’d be like on an actual date?
Joe makes a pained noise. ‘I’m genuinely hopeless at all that. I don’t think I’m very good at getting a read on people. The whole thing is sort of embarrassing to me and I end up hiding behind this wall I put up.’
‘Ah yes, I’ve seen Aloof Joe in action. I’ve got to say I prefer this Joe.’ I briefly press my fingers around his arm. ‘Because Aloof Joe is a terrible wanker.’
‘Jesus.’ He chuckles, pulling a face. ‘At least Aloof Joe doesn’t get spoken to like this!’
‘No. Aloof Joe gets casseroles.’
‘Don’t remind me,’ Joe groans. ‘Anyway, at least I’m not kind of brutal all the time.’
‘I can be a bit blunt. Sorry. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you. I’m actually warming to you every time we hang out, especially when you tell me I’m a good mum. I deal well with positive reinforcement.’
‘Isn’t that what you do with pets?’ Joe says, arching an eyebrow. ‘Like, rewarding your puppy when it doesn’t wee on the carpet?’
I laugh out loud. ‘Works for me!’
We continue walking. After a while I say, ‘What we’re saying is that we’re both crushing it in the parent department, right?’
He laughs.
Making Joe laugh gives me a buzzy feeling that’s sort of addictive.
‘Oh, absolutely nailing it. Now how will we even get our massive heads back into the classroom for this meeting?’ He grins and takes my hand as we arrive at St Barnaby’s.
We walk in to find the other mums clustered in a group and I can sense Joe tense up, so I put a steadying arm on his back and flash him a reassuring smile.
‘Hello, Joe,’ Celeste calls, heading straight for us but completely ignoring me. It transpires that she wants to use the schoolroom’s whiteboard for tonight’s meeting but it’s in the wrong corner of the class. She could wheel it over herself, but she’s gone for a pastel tip manicure which apparently rules out any kind of physical labour for the next few days.
‘Douglas had to change one of Otto’s nappies this morning. Can you imagine?’ she titters. Joe’s face gets stormier by the minute.
Frankie has called me over and mutters sarcastically: ‘A father actively taking part in the rearing of his own child? Can you imagine?!’
Meanwhile Celeste keeps up her monologue and Joe lugs the whiteboard around. ‘Douglas isn’t big on all the nappy and baby stuff. He’s better when the kids are older. How do we plug this in?’
I find an extension lead behind Mrs Flowers’s desk and hand it to Celeste. She gives me A Look.
‘Oh, didn’t see you there. Hello, Sophie. Now Joe, how do I get my laptop linked up?’
Dear god. Joe wraps up his apparent new job as IT Support slash General Dogsbody and we grab seats next to Frankie.
‘I like your necklace,’ Frankie says appreciatively.
‘Thank you!’ I reply, chuffed with the compliment. It’s a simple gold chain with an L on it. ‘I bought it not long after Lila was born.’
‘You always look so put together. I’ve often wondered how I could be more Sophie.’
I’m slightly taken aback by this. ‘What? You always look so cool and colourful. I’m like …’ but Celeste clears her throat, making it clear that we need to stop talking immediately.
‘Firstly, let’s all welcome a new member of the group, our very own Joe,’ Celeste says with a smile.
Frankie grabs my arm and thrusts it in the air.
‘And Sophie,’ she adds, giving my hand a good wave.
I look around with a smile and get some back which feels good.
‘Mmm,’ says Celeste with pursed lip. What is up with her? ‘Welcome Joe and Sophie. Now, we are very low on volunteers for the theatre trip. Joe, I thought this could be a good fit for you and me. As head of English Literature at the university you could really help to instil some enthusiasm into the children about the whole experience.’
Joe looks like a rabbit in the headlights.
He’s probably wondering, like I am, how enthusiastic four- and five-year-olds can possibly get about the literary canon.
‘And of course I’ll be there too, you know how much I love the theatre,’ Celeste continues. I try not to grind my teeth every time she pronounces it the-EH-tah. ‘Dear Douglas took me to the Sydney Opera House when we first started dating and I’ve been a keen theatre-goer ever since. Can you clear a space in your diary, Joe?’
Joe’s making noncommittal noises so I step in.
‘I can definitely make it, Celeste. I love the theatre.’
Celeste tips her head to one side. ‘I’m not sure you’re a great fit, Sophie? This is a real literary adventure for the children and if I remember rightly, you have a more corporate background?’
‘Actually Sophie’s background isn’t all corporate.’ Joe finds his voice. ‘She set up a successful business building brands and spotting market niches. You’re making her sound like a number cruncher. Not that there’s anything wrong with number crunchers, but that’s not where Sophie’s skills sit. Plus we’re talking about taking a bunch of five-year-olds to see a stage show called Grumpy Dog and the Great Big Bone Fight. It’s hardly Chaucer.’
I try not to laugh.
‘Young minds’, Celeste says dramatically, ‘require a steady hand. Thanks for offering, Sophie, but with Joe on board we’ve hit our quota. You can do the next one. Now, I know it’s only March but we do need to get to grips with sports day.’
Joe’s gripping his phone so hard that his knuckles have gone white.
‘Just me and Celeste?’ he whispers.
‘I can be on standby if you want to pull a sickie on the day?’
Joe huffs. ‘Nah, I’ll do it. Might be good to put this to the test,’ he says under his breath, motioning between the two of us. ‘A little mid-term to see how well the plan’s going.’
‘I love tests!’ I whisper, thrilled. ‘You can report back and then I can come up with some ways we can make the whole thing more believable, if we need to.’
Joe grins at me. ‘Any chance to get the pastel Post-it notes out, eh?’
‘You know me so well.’
Turning our attention back to the group, we realise that Tally is in the middle of the room bending herself into a pretzel shape. ‘This is called Destroyer of the Universe,’ she’s explaining, propping herself up on one hand while bending a leg behind her torso. ‘It’s, like, the most challenging yoga pose. So what I’m thinking is, what if I led the children in a mindful yoga practice before sports day starts?’
Frankie attempts the same position but falls flat on her face so I scoop her up off the floor.
‘If I can’t do it I don’t imagine the kids will be able to?’ Frankie suggests while Tally uncoils herself with grace.
Tally ignores her. ‘Also, I’m working with a company who make gut-friendly smoothies for children and they’ve offered to supply us with a load for sports day. They need to be refrigerated so the brand is asking if we’ll have access to St Barnaby’s kitchen?’
Celeste doesn’t know.
‘Would it matter too much if the smoothies weren’t chilled?’ I suggest.
‘Afraid so. Something to do with live bacteria. Anything over ten degrees Celsius and there might be a problem with vomiting.’
‘That’s a firm no,’ Mel, the medical mum, butts in. ‘We’re not risking mass-vomiting on sports day for the sake of another one of your sponsored ads, Tally.’
Tally swings her ponytail in frustration. ‘Don’t tell me you’re going to bring up the tooth-whitening mishap again?’
‘What tooth-whitening mishap?’ I ask, intrigued.
‘Last October Tally got all the mums some new charcoal tooth-whitening stuff to try, only it turned out the charcoal was way too strong and ended up giving us all bloating issues,’ Mel explains.
‘I had flatulence for a week.’ Frankie sighs.
‘Bet you’re glad you weren’t part of the group back then,’ Joe whispers to me.
‘I’ve stopped working with that brand now,’ Tally forges on. ‘And if it’s a no to the smoothies then I insist on my mindful yoga for sports day. I need some original content otherwise what will my parent followers think? Mama in Pearls is closing in on my follower count and I refuse to lose my top mumfluencer in the South West status to a woman who wears pearls. They are so unethical.’
Celeste surreptitiously tucks her own pearl necklace under her jumper. ‘Yoga sounds great,’ she says. ‘I think we’re in good shape here. Anything else to add before we wine and cheese?’
‘Is wine and cheese a verb now?’ I whisper to Frankie.
She splutters. ‘What did you get up to this weekend? Oh, I wine and cheesed.’
I giggle.
‘Actually yes. I have a suggestion for our next Barnaby’s night out,’ Tally says. My ears prick up, excited at the prospect. ‘You know Sassy Sylvia’s?’ She looks expectantly around the group only to be met by a lot of vacant gazes. ‘The cult London bar? It’s literally the place to be seen. They’ve just finished their first outpost here in Bristol and naturally I’m invited to the launch party, so I’ve got us on the guest list.’
‘Ooh,’ coos Frankie. ‘Will there be booze?’
‘There will be free booze.’
‘Then you can hook that vodka into my veins.’
Joe looks the least thrilled of the group but I pat him on the shoulder and dish out another reassuring look. This is great news! He locks eyes with me and I get a glimpse of the real Joe just before Celeste swoops over, having found herself in an alleged cheese-related emergency which, she claims, only Joe can help her with. She’s dragging him off to inspect her brie faster than I can protest, her arm wrapped around his waist. As I watch them, I wonder why Celeste seems to like me even less these days. Why she’s always commandeering my fake boyfriend. Why only Joe will do when she can’t fathom how to unwrap a chunk of brie. If I wasn’t sure before, I am now – Celeste has a mad crush on Joe.