Chapter 10 #4
Even if Brynn did, there was still this persistent, intrusive thought in her brain about the distance that had existed between her and Hallie.
Even if she wasn’t feeling it right now, she didn’t want to mistake Hallie’s sympathy for connection.
Or to think that, tomorrow, things could just go back to being the way they were before.
All because Hallie pitied her. She wasn’t sure exactly why, but the idea of that was more painful than a lot of things she’d experienced in her life.
She valued Hallie’s heart and verve and her seemingly never-ending capacity to understand Brynn far too much to let confusion linger between them.
“Will you tell me what’s been going on with you? With us?” Brynn pushed, her fingers finding purchase on Hallie’s hip.
It sounded like a breath got caught in Hallie’s throat, and she coughed quietly, turning her head up toward the ceiling.
Once she’d finished, she didn’t turn back toward Brynn.
Instead, she stared into the darkness above.
“I’ve never known someone quite like you, Brynn, and I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t the one being too overbearing.
Too much. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. ”
Brynn wanted to know every single thought in Hallie’s brain. This wasn’t usually the case for her, given that she had so many of her own constantly running through her mind.
And it was crazy to consider that Hallie thought that maybe she was the one coming on too strong. Or that there was a world in which anything could compare to the little bubble they’d built for themselves in the last few weeks.
“You aren’t. I mean, you haven’t,” Brynn asserted. “Who knows what will happen in the future? No one can predict anything with one hundred percent certainty, but I feel extremely confident that you could never be too much for me.”
Hallie let out a light laugh, seemingly pleased, if not even a little charmed, by Brynn’s response. It made Brynn’s insides soar, her heart pounding in her chest again.
Brynn finally understood what people meant when they said they had butterflies. A fluttering, comfortingly chaotic sensation had settled in her stomach. It made her feel like their flapping wings could lift her off the sofa and she could fly away.
But she didn’t want to be away from Hallie. She wanted to keep her close. As close as Hallie wanted to be.
No friend or romantic partner had ever inspired these feelings in her, and even if she didn’t know exactly what to do with them, she was in awe of how solidly the understanding of its importance soaked into her awareness.
“I really appreciate you,” Brynn said quietly. “And I’ve never known anyone like you before either.”
Which was true. Hallie was the best person Brynn knew.
She had quickly become Brynn’s favorite person, in fact.
Honestly, it was difficult for her to understand why everyone, all the time, wasn’t falling at Hallie’s feet.
Who wouldn’t want to spend their day around someone who made them feel the way that Hallie made her feel?
But then Brynn frowned, glad that Hallie, still looking up at the ceiling, couldn’t see it. She was remembering that Hallie’s parents, of all people, didn’t seem to appreciate what an incredible person they’d created. Brynn couldn’t fathom what that type of rejection would feel like.
They hadn’t discussed Hallie’s parents since New Year’s Eve, mostly because Hallie hadn’t bought them up again. Maybe, when Brynn was working, Hallie talked to them or kept in touch, but Brynn didn’t think that was the case.
Just like her own sister, there were clearly things that Hallie didn’t like to voice either.
Hallie hummed a sound of acknowledgement but didn’t respond. Instead, she shifted her body again, rolling over so that her back was pressed against Brynn’s chest.
This time, it was different.
Brynn didn’t usually think about kissing. She’d felt comfortable with Gregory, but their love life had been lackluster, for a lack of a better word. And with Grant, he’d always been the instigator.
But right now, even though she couldn’t see them, she suddenly imagined Hallie’s lips, soft and full and always giving her that playful smile.
What they would taste like. Feel like against her own.
And right in front of her was Hallie’s neck, the shoulder of her sweater pulled over from their movements.
It was so close that if Brynn moved her head a few inches, she could plant a kiss against what she understood on some intrinsic level was incredibly soft skin, her own lips practically begging her to seek Hallie’s warmth.
It sent a needy spark through her, something at once both foreign and incredible, and she had to push her legs together from the intensity of it.
She’d never felt like she was being pulled forward, wanting more. The feeling lodged in her chest, making her already unsteady heart feel like it was going to burst out of her rib cage at any moment.
Hallie had to be able to feel the insistent thrumming.
She was nestled against Brynn so perfectly, like they’d always fit together like this.
Brynn loved the feeling of Hallie enveloped in her arms. So much so that when she let her body do whatever felt natural, her hand came to rest on Hallie’s stomach, who let out a jagged exhale at the contact.
“Brynn.” Hallie said her name strangely, like she was both warning and encouraging her.
Which was confusing because— “I didn’t even ask how your date was,” Brynn said, remembering where Hallie had come home from. The words felt harsh in her throat, but she couldn’t deny that she didn’t like the idea of Hallie out tonight, experiencing a closeness like this with anyone else.
Brynn inhaled through her nose, trying to temper her jealous thoughts. It wasn’t one of her best ideas, given how the scent of Hallie’s shampoo filled her nostrils, causing a strange wave of something that felt like homesickness to wash over her.
But that didn’t make any sense. She was exactly where she wanted to be. With the person she most wanted to be with.
Maybe not exactly in the way that she wanted, she decided, as Hallie finally responded. “We don’t have to talk about the date, Brynn.”
Brynn wanted to object. Vehemently. Being there for Hallie was important to her. Even if Brynn didn’t especially like what she would have to listen to.
But her body was making it clear that she didn’t actually want to hear about Ruby and how she’d probably fawned over Hallie.
Who wouldn’t? She didn’t want to hear about the art that she made in her studio thirty minutes away, from upcycled scrap metal pieces.
She had tattoos, too, which Brynn had seen in her profile photos.
They’d probably sat next to one another at the bar, and even though it was the dead of winter, Ruby would have worn a sleeveless shirt so that she could display her “ink,” as she’d referred to it in her profile.
Blech.
Was that who Hallie wanted romantically?
Some tattooed artist who wrote things in her prompts like “let’s debate our ideas” and “without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable.” (Ruby hadn’t even credited this last one to George Bernard Shaw.
She’d probably swiped it off a meme. Or worse, a throw pillow.)
Brynn didn’t think that being a plagiarist was really anything to write home about.
But if so, then even the concept of her and Hallie, Brynn’s own feelings aside, was preposterous. Brynn tried to remind herself of this while trying not to sink into Hallie’s back, a task that was growing more difficult by the second.
Especially when Hallie lifted her own arm and wrapped her hand around the one Brynn was holding against Hallie’s stomach.
They lay in the dark together, the only sound their low breathing. Now that it had evened out, they inhaled and exhaled in tandem.
Brynn didn’t know if she could fall asleep again. Her whole body felt like a live wire. She tried her best to stay completely still, to not set off another spark that would make her do or say something incredibly stupid.
She exhaled quietly, forcing her eyes closed.
No matter what happened, she promised herself, in the darkness enveloping them, that she wouldn’t let her feelings get in the way of supporting Hallie unconditionally. They were so new, and she needed to sort through them to understand them better.
Tomorrow, she’d ask Hallie all about her date with Ruby. Encourage her to go on another one if Hallie expressed that she’d had a good time. Brynn was a big enough person to do that, even if an anxious sensation bubbled in her stomach.
And even though she knew it was a bad idea, she allowed herself one more, indulgent inhale, the wisps of Hallie’s hair tickling her cheek.
If this was what wanting felt like, then Brynn was in for one agonizing ride.