36. Willa
Chapter thirty-six
Willa
W hen my mum FaceTimes me in the middle of the night, I assume she's forgotten to factor in the time difference between Belgrovinia and North Carolina. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened.
Things between us have been tense since I walked away from Hollywood and began openly dating Nick.
Not only because I was hitting the pause button on my career, but also because she thought that I’d kept my romance with a prince a secret from her.
Which I did, so I could hardly deny that fact.
Even after I found out Nick's real identity, I wasn’t forthcoming with the information until Nick and I went public with our relationship.
At that point, I had no choice but to tell my family before they read about it in a tabloid.
Understandably, mum’s feelings were hurt.
Seeing how awful Queen Beatrice treats Nick makes me appreciate my relationship with my mum more. She may be a little overbearing, but she means well, and I know she loves me. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Queen Bee.
Irritated that I forgot to silence my phone before falling asleep, I slip out of bed quietly so as not to wake Nick.
Silently traversing the dark cottage, I flip on a light when I reach the living room and answer the phone. "Mum," I hiss testily, "do you realize that it's the middle of the night in Belgrovinia?"
My annoyance is met with her anger. "Willa, I had to learn of your pregnancy in an online tabloid! Do you think I care about what time it is?"
"What?" My head rears back in confusion. Stunned, I drop into an upholstered club chair.
"Is it true?"
Did the press find out about my pregnancy and miscarriage?
But the terror I expect to feel at the possibility of my miscarriage being leaked to the press doesn't come. I feel flustered, yes, but not terrified.
What was once my most painful secret has loosened its tendrils of shame and agony.
It no longer holds the power over my emotions and my psyche that it once did.
Losing my baby will always be one of the worst things to ever happen to me, but as I feel the air fill my lungs in even breaths, I realize that I am healing.
I can think about, and talk about, my miscarriage without completely unraveling at the seams.
The baby I lost will always be a part of my heart, but he or she is no longer the largest part of my heart. That now belongs to Nick and the love we share.
After a shocked inhalation, my mother claps a hand across her forehead and screeches, "Oh my god, it is, isn't it?
It is true! That's why you're not saying anything.
I knew you were acting secretive and standoffish while you were with Nick in Saltside, but I had no idea that my own daughter would fly across the world to hide her pregnancy from me!
Was this the real reason why you left the country?
Was the pregnancy the reason that you and Nick got back together? "
Her words sink in. And they don't make any sense. The timeline is all wrong.
Mum doesn't know about my miscarriage…which means I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about.
"Mum, I'm not pregnant! And you're not making any sense. What did the tabloid say exactly?"
She sends me a link to the brief article, and I read it quickly.
"This is just a pack of lies, Mum. Someone probably made up the story to earn a few bucks. You should know by now not to believe the tabloids," I admonish. “Besides, I was in North Carolina during that time, and I’d only just met Nick. I couldn’t have already been pregnant with his baby! Look at my social media. I was in Australia at the time I was supposedly getting pregnant. It’s ludicrous, Mum! ”
“Well, who’s to say that Nick wasn’t with you in Sydney. That you actually met there, not in Saltside. Or that someone other than Nick is the father.”
"What the hell, Mum?" I screech. "How could you think that, much less say it aloud?"
It's upsetting and worrisome that my own mother could so easily jump to conclusions and believe the worst of me.
And if she does, will the rest of the world also believe it?
Despite the queen's attempts at coming between us, things have been going so well for Nick and me.
The press loves us. The monarchy's favorability ratings have been steadily rising since the news broke that we're in a relationship, but one salacious rumor has the power to bring everything tumbling down.
“It isn’t true,” I reiterate forcefully. “I promise, Mum. I'm not pregnant with Nick's baby, or anyone else's, for that matter. And I shouldn't even have to tell you that."
"Of course, it isn't true. I'm sorry." My mum lets out a whoosh of relief. “I didn’t really believe it, but…you’ve been so secretive and guarded these last few years. You don't confide in me like you used to, so I wasn’t sure what to believe. I let my mind leap to the worst-case scenario.”
“It’s okay. And you’re right, I have been keeping more of my life private,” I admit.
“I just love you, Willa. I hope you know that.” My mum’s breath shudders.
“I’m glad you and Nick found your ways back to each other, even if I didn’t act that way initially.
I was worried about you giving up your career for him.
What if things don’t work out with Nick?
But then Aiden shared with me how unhappy you’ve been in Hollywood as of late.
” She pauses. “Aiden forced me to reconsider some things. I…I know I’ve always pushed you to pursue acting.
For long time, I believed I was helping you achieve your dreams, but now, after talking to Aiden, I feel like maybe I was using you to vicariously fulfill my own. I’m sorry, Willa.”
“Oh, Mum. It’s alright. The truth is that I enjoy acting. It’s only been in the last year or two that it’s lost its luster.”
Mum continues talking, dragging more and more information out about my relationship with Nick and updates me on the rest of the family, but my attention drifts back to the article.
An article linking Nick to a pregnancy. Coming on the heels of Carisa's pregnancy scare, this story seems too coincidental.
I'm afraid that if we follow the Crown's usual public relations protocol of never explain, never complain , things will quickly spin out of control, damaging both Nick's and my reputations.
Once enough time passes, people will realize that I'm not pregnant.
But some less reputable media sources will latch onto the idea that I miscarried or even that I voluntarily terminated the pregnancy.
The story won't just disappear if we stand idly by, doing nothing.
It will continue to grow in the darkness, festering.
And I can come up with only one way to combat the story.
To fight falsities with truths. My truths.
By addressing it directly and going public with my story, telling the world about my pregnancy and miscarriage.
The timelines won’t match the article or the falsified medical file, but it should be enough to draw the spotlight away from Nick.
And Carisa. She doesn’t need to get dragged into this mess.
So, I take a deep breath and begin, “Mum, I need to tell you something.”
And then I do. I tell her everything that happened between Baron and me.
My unplanned pregnancy. My joy at starting a family.
My miscarriage. My slow journey of healing.
My relationship with Nick and my incredible love for him.
Our conversation, at times painful and other times cathartic, lasts over an hour.
As I share more and more, I realize how tiring it's been living with closely guarded secrets and carefully developed lies to explain away my pain. I’m tired of not living my life fully because I care too much about what other people think of me.
I’m tired of pleasing everyone but myself.
It’s freeing to be authentically me to my mum.
Life is messy and chaotic, and things don’t always work out. But I’m finished living inside the mold that she and my father created for me because I’m afraid of what might happen if I break free.
I’m tired of speaking the lines other people write for me instead of speaking my mind.
It’s time for me to step out of the shadows and into the spotlight, not as Willa Radford, the Hollywood actress, but as Willa Radford, the woman.
The real woman. The woman who has suffered silently, grieved privately, and come out on the other side.
I’m not fully healed, and I'll never be the same as I once was, but I am healing.
“Oh, Willa,” my mum whispers, her voice thick with tears. “I am so sorry, love. I hate that you didn’t feel you could confide in me and that you went through all of that alone.”
After we hang up, I spend the next few hours monitoring the story to see if other news agencies pick it up. They do. The story spreads like wildfire. I can't keep track of how many other articles and tabloid stories have popped up repeating the same allegation.
As the sun begins to rise over the ocean bluffs, Nick races down the stairs, his footfalls sounding like thunder on the old wooden steps. Given his hurry, I suspect he's been notified of the story. He sweeps me into his arms, whispering apologies and endearments into my ear.
"I'm so sorry, Willa," he murmurs as he strokes my back and hair over and over. "It's all my fault. You've been drug into this media mess because of me and who I am."
I shake him off. “I’m fine, Nick. Really.
” Chewing my bottom lip, I continue, admitting what has me the most worried.
“But Nick, there's a lot of truth in the article.
They've only replaced Carisa's name with mine and substituted a positive pregnancy test for a negative one. Doesn’t it scare you how close they are to the truth?”
"I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. I'm going to do my best to protect Carisa too, but protecting you will be my priority. If it means exposing myself and Carisa to judgment, so be it. I will not let the tabloids ruin you."
"Nor will I allow them to ruin you either. Nick, I want to tell my story publicly.”
“What?” With worried eyes, Nick stares at me, slowly shaking his head. “No. No, Willa. You don’t need to do this. You don’t need to open yourself up like that. I know how painful your miscarriage was. I don’t want you to sacrifice yourself to help me. Not again.”
“Sharing my story wouldn't only be helping you, Nick. I'd be helping myself too, and I’d be helping all the other women who have navigated losing a pregnancy. It’s a lonely road. I’m strong enough now that I’d like to help others.
” I cup his cheek in my hand. “Your love has given me the strength and confidence to do this. Moreover, I want to do this.”
Sitting back, Nick rakes his eyes over my face. "So, you've decided then?"
"I have."
His fingers slide to my neck as he presses his forehead against mine. I close my eyes, a sense of peace washing over me.
Telling my mother was the first step. But now I’m ready to tell the world.
“I'll be there to support you every step of the way. I’m so fucking proud of you, Willa.”
And for the first time in a long time, I’m proud of myself too.