22. Macs #2
Subject: You are a cruel man
Not that I thought you would deign to respond to my lowly emails, but at least write back and tell me you got them.
Are you dead? Or alive and cruel? I’m not sure which fate I prefer.
Carina tells me I’ll have to see you at her wedding.
I’m not sure if I want to go. If it’s worth the heartache, I’m sure I’ll arrive at the sight of your fucking dimples.
You aren’t mine anymore. And that fact hurts more than admitting I’m not yours either.
Do us both a favor and don’t show up. We know it would only end in a pity fuck.
I don’t need that kind of bad karma in my life.
Charlotte says there’s a special place in hell for men like you, and for once I believe something she says.
Teala
I write out at least ten responses but end up deleting them. Which email would I reply to? I have the thought to reply to the first one and pretend I didn’t get the other two. Yes. It’s the only logical plan .
Teala,
I haven’t been checking my personal email while I’ve been working.
Please forgive me. I’m glad you are feeling better.
Do you want to get together when I arrive home?
Coffee? Smith and Carina are getting married, as I’m sure you well know.
Perhaps I could accompany you to the wedding?
I should be back in San Diego for a bit.
I’ve been extremely busy, but you’re always on my mind.
Love,
Macs
Sweat beads on my forehead as I hit send.
“Dude, are you defusing a bomb?” Tahoe asks from the seat beside me.
My thumb taps the button to darken my screen.
I swallow hard. How to explain that emailing Teala causes my nerves to fray, and conducting a national-level, dangerous mission leaves me cool and collected?
“Checking mail,” I say with a shrug, turning my focus out the window.
Cruisers are speeding down the street, their lights flashing in harried dismay.
“Trying to patch things up now that we’re heading back?” he asks.
It would make sense. I think it’s what he does now that the dating apps are null and void. He makes nice with one of the women from his past to make sure he has sex lined up for his free time.
I shake my head. “That’s over. You know that.”
Tahoe laughs. “I’ve seen enough of this shit over the years to know when it’s over. You haven’t bagged any chicks since her, have you?”
I don’t know anything about his history with any types of relationships. He’s so secretive. I wish I had that type of superpower. There are whispers Tahoe got his heart crushed and that’s what turned him into this monster.
I shrug again. “Trust me, it’s over.” Even if it wasn’t, her last email made it perfectly clear what her opinion on the matter is. “I can’t deal with that. Wouldn’t you agree I have enough to worry about?”
Tahoe knows what happened. After I spoke with my parents about Teala’s condition, I told him. Or better yet, he coaxed it out of me when we were drinking too much beer one night.
I chance a glance his way. He’s smiling at me like a fucking bastard.
“This job is a no-brainer for you, you pretty asshole. That woman? A challenge that was too much to handle. You bit off more than you could chew.”
I narrow my brows. “Are you telling me I failed?”
His laughter is loud, his head thrown back. “I would never tell you that. You might kill me,” he says, eyes twinkling. “I’m saying she hurt you.”
“Fuck you,” I reply.
“Fuck you very much,” Tahoe sings, still laughing. Then he goes on to explain how Teala is sort of his hero for doing what he couldn’t. Fucking asshole.
He’s one hundred percent right.
Teala doesn’t reply to my email until later that night.
I’m getting used to being in my house again.
It feels more like a hotel than an actual hotel feels.
My television is on, the news playing low in the background, when my laptop pings a new message.
I starred her email address as VIP so I wouldn’t have a gut-wrenching repeat occurrence.
Subject: Weddings and lie s
Macs,
It’s unfortunate you weren’t checking your email.
I saw they arrested people in NYC a couple of days ago.
I’m assuming a way to go is in order. I’m keeping busy with the usual, trying to get acclimated to life after the attacks.
It’s taken me a while to feel this normal, and I’m afraid that any small shift will create a toppling of emotions and more life destruction.
It’s hard to believe how much was stolen from so many people, you know?
I feel lucky when I think about it that way.
My family and friends are okay. I’m scared a lot of the time still, but fear is just background noise instead of the headliner.
Walking down the street, I can forget, even for just a moment or two, that anything happened at all.
Honestly, you remind me of too much bad, Macs.
Falling in love turned into something villainous.
Like a virus taking over my body, it stole so much away.
It’s not your fault, but in the same token, there’s nothing you can do about it.
I should have guarded my heart better. It was foolish for me to think it could have been a normal relationship.
You didn’t respond to my emails, and those months gave me something you never could—not while my mind was twisted with love, anyway.
Perspective. And mine is better without you in it. Stay safe, you fucking hero.
Best,
Teala
P.S. I’ll see you at the wedding.
I don’t mean to break my laptop. It finds its way to the floor on its own.
I pace the room, focusing on random things as I go.
The bright white molding. The handle on the glass doors.
The clock ticking on the fucking wall, the television reporting on the same bullshit that’s been on forever now, the coffee table.
Avoidance. I can’t think about her words and what they mean.
It’s one thing for her to break up our relationship when she wasn’t thinking clearly.
It’s quite another to make a level-headed decision and still conclude we’re not good together.
The kicker is I can’t fault her. She wrapped up her well-being around being away from me.
I want her happiness even if it means my destruction.
I kick the laptop on a pace back toward my front door and curse loudly, pulling on the tips of my hair.
I open a beer and drain it quickly. It doesn’t erase anything, so I drink another.
Then another. When Tahoe shows up with several of his friends, I open the door widely and let them pass into my space.
I don’t even question it like I usually would.
Teala made the decision for me.