Chapter 38
I can’t do this, thought Gemma, waiting in reception for the lift, her chest thumping with fear. I can’t go into a hospital ward where a grief-stricken father is sitting by his son and say, ‘Hey! Remember me? We were married nearly five years ago and by some crazy coincidence, your kid is now in my class.’
Perhaps, instead, she could hang around for a bit here and then join Nancy and Joe in the coffee shop. She could pretend that Danny had been asleep and that she hadn’t wanted to wake him up. Anything rather than face Sam in a situation like this. Yes. That was what she’d do. OK, it was chickening out, but better that than cause some sort of dramatic upheaval, with dangerously ill children all around.
How ironic, she thought, crossing the road towards the café, that a few months ago she’d have given anything to see Sam again, if only to tidy everything up. Now it was her worst nightmare. What would he say? What would she say? And what would she tell Barry? Even though he’d been very understanding about all this, it would only be natural for him to be jealous. ‘Back already?’ asked Joe, his eyebrows raised questioningly as she walked in and joined them at a corner table by the window. She nodded, hating herself for her deception.
‘Was Danny asleep?’ asked Nancy with a note of alarm in her voice.
Gemma nodded again.
‘He’s almost always asleep.’ Nancy was standing up now, gathering up her bag. ‘I’m sorry, Joe – may I call you that? – but I need to get back to my son. Was my husband there?’
Gemma felt a knot in her throat. ‘I didn’t see him.’ That was true enough.
‘Then I’d definitely better be getting back. Thanks.’ She looked for a minute as though she was going to hug them both, and then held out her hand instead. It felt cool to Gemma’s touch. ‘I’m really grateful to you both for coming up.’ Her eyes filled with tears. ‘I didn’t expect you all to be so caring. I’m so sorry for fussing earlier when Danny started, and for doubting some of the things you did.’
Gemma couldn’t bear any more of this. ‘Please don’t beat yourself up,’ she said, taking Nancy’s hands in hers. ‘It’s natural for new parents to worry.’
Nancy made a rueful face. ‘Maybe, but I worried about the wrong things, didn’t I? I never thought this would happen.’
Together they watched her leave the café. After a pause, Gemma felt Joe’s gaze on her. To her surprise, he looked concerned instead of his usual critical self, which was surprisingly comforting. It seemed odd to see him in his casual jeans and jacket, away from school. That checked shirt suited him, she couldn’t help noticing. It made his eyes look blue, rather than scary black.
‘I think you might need a strong cup of tea,’ he said gently. ‘I know how much you care for your Puddleducks. This can’t be easy for you.’
She gulped as he poured her a cup from the pot already on the table. Part of her almost wanted to tell Joe that it wasn’t easy because of something he knew nothing about, although she was desperately worried about Danny, of course.
‘If we find it difficult,’ she said, shaking, ‘how must it feel for a real parent?’
Joe made a strange noise and, for a moment, she thought he had choked on his tea. ‘Are you all right?’ she asked and then he looked at her with such pain in his eyes that she realised he wasn’t all right; not at all.
‘Joe,’ she said softly. ‘What’s wrong?’
He started to say something, and then stopped. ‘It’s OK,’ she whispered, taking his hand almost without realising it. ‘You can tell me. I won’t tell anyone.’
She sat and watched him struggle to come to terms with his emotions. Eventually, he raised his head and she could see that his eyes were red. ‘You might be aware,’ said Joe slowly, ‘that I used to work for a major bank.’
Everyone knew that! It was partly why some of the staff were rather in awe of him, and why others thought he wasn’t suited to a classroom.
‘I was married,’ he continued in a voice that sounded unusually deadpan and flat, ‘to a very bright woman. A lawyer. Together we earned a considerable amount of money and had the kind of lifestyle that many would dream of.’
She couldn’t help cutting in. ‘I met her. At the Social.’
Joe nodded and there was a brief flash of humour in his eyes. ‘Of course. How could I forget? Ed has always specialised in making entrances.’
Then his voice went flat again. ‘I wanted children but my wife kept delaying it. She wished to concentrate on her career. By the time we reached our early thirties, I grew impatient and, one night, we had a row about it.’
Gemma was filled with a sudden need to tell him that this was understandable, but before she could say anything, he continued.
‘Don’t get me wrong. I’m not the kind of man to become violent. But when my wife, who is now my ex, told me something during the row, I walked out of the flat and never came back.’
Gemma’s mouth went dry. ‘She must have told you something pretty dreadful for you to do that.’
Joe nodded slowly. ‘She did. She told me that four months earlier she had indeed got pregnant, but by mistake.’
Gemma could hardly breathe. ‘With someone else’s child?’
‘No.’ Joe shook his head. ‘In some ways, I wish it had been. It would have been easier. It had been my child. But without telling me, she had had an abortion.’
Tears were now openly rolling down his face. Joe Balls, the super-tough head of Reception, was crying! Poor man. Gemma wanted to weep with him. What a terrible thing for his wife to have done.
‘If she had kept our baby, it would have been Danny’s age by now. That’s why I find it hard to go down to Puddleducks. That’s why the picture of the headmistress’s grandson on her desk makes my chest ache. That’s why, as you’ve implied in the past, I am hard and unfeeling, because I have had to erect a steel wall around my emotions in order to function as a human being.’
But you’re not hard, Gemma wanted to cry. You’re just hurting inside. She almost felt like telling him about what had happened to her, but that wouldn’t have been right. There were some things that had to be kept private.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered. ‘So very, very sorry.’ Then she remembered something. ‘But why did your ex-wife turn up at the Parents’ Social if you’ve split up?’ Joe’s mouth tightened. ‘Because she now wants us to start again. Can you believe that? We divorced within a year of me finding out about … about my baby. It made me reassess my life, which is why I threw in my job and turned to teaching. Now she is getting older and most of her friends have children, she likes the idea of a baby.’
‘And she wishes you hadn’t got divorced?’
‘Apparently so. As far as I’m concerned, it’s too late. But Ed is a strong woman. She doesn’t take no for an answer. And maybe, maybe I’ve been too weak with her.’ As he looked at her, she could see raw pain in his eyes. ‘But it isn’t easy to walk away from the past, even when someone has hurt you. You keep thinking that they might change and that somehow you might be able to make it all right again.’
She nodded. He had put into words the feelings she had been secretly harbouring for the past five years. ‘I know what you mean,’ she said softly.
They sat for a moment in silence. All kinds of thoughts were whirling round in Gemma’s head. She’d misjudged the man – and badly. If she had known what terrible pain he’d been suffering, she wouldn’t have been upset by some of his remarks.
Eventually, Joe spoke in a more normal voice. ‘Do you think we ought to go back now? I’m sure you’ve had enough of hearing about my problems. After all, it’s Danny we’re both here for.’
As he spoke, he looked down at her hand, which was on top of his. When had she put it there? Judging from the flush on his face, he was as surprised and embarrassed as she was.
Feeling really stupid, she waited while he placed some money on the plate for the bill, and then lightly put his hand on the small of her back to steer her towards the door. That was all right then. He clearly wasn’t cross with her for that spot of sympathetic hand-holding. ‘I’m sure it goes without saying,’ he said in a low voice, ‘that this conversation is confidential.’
Gemma nodded. ‘Of course.’ She smiled up at him. ‘I’m very flattered that you chose to confide in me.’
He gave a curt nod. ‘You’re a very good listener. Thank you.’