Chapter 5
“What’s going on?” Vi said, looking over at me as we laid motionless in the bed of the research room, our bodies spent and exhausted. Kim and Yara had already returned to their clothes, and to their jobs, so it was just Vi and me left in the humming pink room.
“Nothing.” I said, looking at the ceiling.
The light fixture was slightly off-kilter, and there was a gap between the steel casing and the frosted plastic shade.
In a few months, with the cooling and heating cycles in the room, along with the increased humidity caused by how we were going to use this space, it would probably get worse, might even lead to rusting.
This small gap left by a shitty, careless contractor could bring this whole company do?—
“—Emma. We’ve been together long enough that I can tell when you’re spiraling, but even if we had never met before today, I could tell you’re doing it now.” Vi said, sitting up, peering at me over her knees, her hair almost an exact match to the neon pink of the walls in the room.
“Really, it’s…I’m just…tired, something.”
Vi shook her head, her perfect hair repeating the action.
“This is more than tired, babe. This is bigger. I mean…you barely ate any of us out just now, and that’s not the Emma I know…
” Vi narrowed her eyes at me, her concern growing, my reluctance to get into this right now growing at almost the same pace.
“You’re really worried about something.”
I let the panic rise in me for a moment before turning to Vi, propping myself up onto my elbow. “I just…this is happening again.”
“What’s happening?”
“This!” I motioned toward the expensive fittings and furnishings of the new office, the sign of another beginning. “Starting things over, building up from zero, and…I have to do it again.”
Vi stayed silent for a couple extra beats, knowing I needed my breathing room.
“When’s the last time you had a vacation?”
With that, I felt my stomach tense, and a wave washed over me.
“I can’t…I mean, we have to launch this company, there’s not time?—“
Vi put her hand on my chest, her fingers stretched out as far as they could. It was something she did that always seemed to calmed me down when I was threatening to spiral. “I didn’t ask if it would be realistic, or for you to plan it right now, I just asked when was the last time it happened.
I laid my head back on the pillow and sat there for a bit.
Even the expensive lighting I insisted on Kim buying for these rooms produced a slight hum, no matter what we did.
As if everything else with autism wasn’t trouble enough, the fact that I could hear electricity sometimes made sure that I was never truly able to relax.
“Never.” I said. “I’ve never…really taken off more than a few days here and there. And when I was a kid, my parents were either too poor or too mad at me being gay to ever take me on one.”
“Em…” Vi said, her hand warm and sure against my chest. “You can’t just push on forever and not expect to break down…you’re going to burn yourself out.”
“Already done, clearly.” I scoffed.
“I mean, your prototypes are done, Kim’s still looking for marketing and social people…think you could do, like, a few more weeks of getting everything in place and then just disappear for a bit? It would probably help a lot.”
“Where would I even go.”
“Well, ok, I’m going to edit that in my mind to be ‘where would we even go, but…I am so sure we could figure out some place. Maybe some sandy beaches, a tropical resort…” Vi rolled over onto her back, the all-inclusive perks rolling around in her head already.
“Vi, have you ever seen me have any inclination to be out in the sun or on a beach for more than ten minutes at a time?” I said, nudging her with my knee.
“Alright, fine…you’re more of a city girl…wherever it is, we can go, not worry about a damn thing, and maybe you can relax just the slightest bit.”
I tried to unfocus my gaze, tried to not look at the small defect in the ceiling.
I knew Vi was right, deep down. I was never the kind of person to take breaks…
hell, I would probably end up not eating most days if I didn’t set an alarm to tell me to do it.
My ADHD was the flavor that meant I was either hyper focused on something, or terrified that I wasn’t hyperfocusing on something and I was scrambling to find the thing that should be keeping me busy.
I took vacations when I was a kid, probably more than a lot of people got to, but I don’t think I really appreciated them.
The allowance to be carefree for a while in a new space, to just exist outside of the normal cycles of everything.
I wasn’t someone that really liked change, so it never occurred to me as an adult that I had any reason to break out of those comforting, predictable cycles.
“Alright…my prototypes aren’t as done as you think they are, but, I can get them to a place that might let me take a break for a while before we launch all of this.” I said.
“You’re allowed to relax and disconnect, Em.” Vi said, lazily moving her hand up and down my stomach.
“I know, just…the moment is never right.”
“Sometimes you just have to go for it.”