Chapter 31
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
MATTEO
“The art she created was unlike anything I had ever seen before. It was breathtaking—an experience in its own right—yet somehow, it didn’t come close to touching the true masterpiece. Her.” - Julian Hart, Painted Inferno
Istare down at the toes of my skates, biting down on the inside of my cheek as my eyes roam over the scuffs.
The room hums around me with music playing at a lower volume and the guys talking about the game last night as we get ready for practice.
I can’t hear anything they’re saying. There’s a different replay happening inside my head.
“I’m in love with you.”
The way those five words fell from my lips with zero hesitation is either astonishing or alarming. They weren’t planned. They weren’t calculated. Hell, I didn’t even realize at that moment what my actual feelings were for her.
It hit me out of nowhere… and I needed her to know.
There’s nothing else to it, other than that.
Theo scoots closer on the bench next to me. “Are you good?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
Jade left early this morning and I can’t stop thinking about last night. She didn’t say it back. I couldn’t have expected her to. But in a way, there’s a burn of rejection.
Maybe I read things wrong. Maybe I said it too soon.
He nudges my shoulder. “You’re not good. You’re quiet again and you’re only like that when something’s going on.”
“Yeah…” My voice trails off for a moment. I don’t look at him. My gaze is glued to my laces, but I don’t move to tie them. “Jade came over last night.”
Theo chuckles. “When is she not over anymore?” He’s silent for a beat when I don’t respond or laugh. “Did something happen?”
“I—uh.” I hesitate, deciding how honest I want to be with Theo, and my stomach flips. “I told her I’m in love with her.”
Silence. That’s all I get. It stretches between us and I have no choice but to lift my head and turn to look at him.
“Wait, what?” He looks confused and scratches the side of his head. “You were just saying last week how she isn’t your girlfriend, but now you’re in love with her?”
I blow out a breath, dragging my hand down my face. “I know, man. I fucking know.”
His brow furrows. “When the hell did this happen?”
“Overnight.” I shake my head. “I don’t even know. I’d been ignoring my feelings for her for weeks now. It’s like I just woke up. Something clicked inside my head and it’s just what it is.”
He stares at me in disbelief. “Hell must be freezing over.” He cracks a smile. “I never thought I’d see the day that Matty Ford is in love.” He looks past me. “You owe me a hundred bucks.”
“No way,” Cross says back to him, laughter following his words. “No way.”
I look between the two of them. “You guys had a bet going?”
Cross nods, grinning. “Theo said you’d be head over heels before the end of the season.”
“Cross said by the summer,” Theo chimes in.
I scoff, shaking my head at them. “Was anyone else in on this?”
“No,” Cross says with a sigh. “Thank God. I’m not paying anyone else because of this.”
Cross turns back to his stall and Theo looks at me again. “So,” he says carefully. “How did she take it?”
I drop my gaze back down to my skates, sucking my teeth before looking back at him. “She said she needs some time to process.”
He winces, a frown pulling on his lips. “Shit.” He blows out a breath, slowly nodding his head as he secures the velcro on his chest protector. “Do you think you scared her?”
“I think so.” I suck in a deep breath, slowly exhaling it as I bend forward and tie my laces. “I don’t think she was expecting it. Hell… I wasn’t either.”
Theo straps on his elbow pads and grabs his jersey, shrugging it on while I move onto the next piece of my gear. I’m finally dressed from the waist down, so it’s at least a start.
A lot of the guys are already dressed, their chatter carrying with them as they funnel out of the locker room.
“You don’t really have the best track record,” Theo starts, shrugging his shoulders as he grabs his helmet. “I can see why she’d be a little afraid of it.”
“I’m not going to hurt her,” I say without hesitation, shrugging my shoulders and tossing my hands out in front of me, like it’s a given. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before. I just—I don’t know how to get her to believe me.”
Theo chews on the inside of his cheek for a second, his eyes drifting off as if he’s deep in thought. “You just have to give her the time and the space. Don’t disappear. Don’t take off like you normally do. Just be consistent. Committed.”
I swallow hard, strapping my last elbow pad. “What if she’s just looking for a way out?”
“You mean if she’s trying to pull an old fashioned Matty Ford move?” He chuckles and pats my shoulder. “You’re panicking, bud. If she wanted a way out, she’d just walk now.”
His words settle around me like a cloak of security. He’s right. There’s no reason why she would need the time if there was no point to it in the end. There’s nothing tethering the two of us together. There’s no reason for her to hang around if it’s not something she truly needs to process.
Theo pulls on his helmet as one of the coaches blows his whistle in the distance. “Come on. You can spiral after we get off the ice.”
I pull on my jersey, quickly standing up as I slip my helmet onto my head, my hands in my gloves, and grab my stick. Theo waits for me, even though he knows there’s a chance we’ll both end up having to practice without pucks if we’re late.
The guys are still skating around, warming up their legs while the coaches are standing in a circle in the center of the rink. The cold air hits my lungs as soon as our blades bite into the ice.
No one acknowledges Theo and me being two minutes later than everyone else. No one says anything and practice commences as normal. My lungs are tight and my movements are a bit stiff. It’s like I can’t get my legs under me, no matter how hard I try.
I’m not even thinking about Jade at this point, although I think it’s just the lingering uncertainty after last night. It has me all kinds of fucked up.
We end up in a half ice scrimmage toward the end of practice and I miss a pass that I shouldn’t have missed. My stick wasn’t on the ice and my head was too far up my ass at this point.
“They'll make you a healthy scratch tomorrow night,” Theo mutters as he skates past me. “Get your head in the game, dude.”
I suck in a breath, nodding as I shake my head at myself. He’s right. I can’t afford to lose any playing time. I need to lock in and do what I need to do. If I’m going to stand strong and steady with Jade, I need to be able to do the same with my team.
Accountability and reliability is everything—on and off the ice.
Something inside me clicks and I put my head down and get to work. It’s like a flip of a switch and I’m back in it, battling for the puck. By the time practice is over, I’m soaked in sweat, breathless, and a bit lighter.
There’s something about losing myself in the game that has a way of grounding me.
“Matteo,” Coach Ford calls to me as I’m grabbing my water bottle to follow the rest of the guys back into the dressing room. “A second?”
Shit. He’s going to tell me I’m benched for tomorrow’s game.
“Yeah, sure Coach,” I say, bobbing my head as I follow him onto the bench. Everyone else is back in the dressing room and the Zamboni drives onto the ice. “What’s going on?”
“You seemed a bit distracted for the first half of practice.” He pauses for a second, his expression softening. “Everything okay? You and your dad sorted out your differences, right?”
“Yeah, yeah,” I say, a subtle relief washing over me. He seems more concerned rather than disappointed, so perhaps my chances of being benched are slim. “We talked about everything and we’re good now.”
He studies me for a beat. “Alright, well, if there’s anything you want to talk about, I’m always here. So are your parents. We’re all here for you, Matteo. We’ve all got your back.”
Emotion wells in my throat. It’s not often that Uncle Caleb lets his emotions show. It’s not that he isn’t supportive, he’s just reserved. It’s a vast difference from my dad, who has no issue telling you how he feels.
“Actually, can I ask you something?”
Uncle Caleb nods his head. “Yeah, of course.”
“How do you know when it’s the right time to tell someone you’re in love with them?”
He’s silent for a moment, his throat bobbing as he swallows hard. “As soon as you know that it’s true in your heart. Don’t say the words if you don’t mean them, but if you mean them, don’t keep them to yourself.”
“But what if it scares the other person?”
A ghost of a smile dances across his lips. “I’d be worried if both people weren’t terrified.” His eyes search mine. “Love is scary and maddening and truly a beautiful thing.”
“What if the other person needs time to process it?”
“Also normal,” he says, this time with a chuckle.
“You know how much courage it took to say it? She also needs that same courage to be able to say it back.” His chest expands as he inhales deeply, his hand reaching out for my shoulder.
“Time doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel the same way.
Time is never a bad thing, Matteo. It’s just not something we have a lot of. ”
I swallow hard as the sadness in his voice wraps around us both. He knows from experience, from losing his first wife.
“I can’t speak for her since I only met her at the gala, but I saw the way she looked at you, Matteo.” He smiles at me with his eyes, warm and sure. “She’ll come around to it. You need to trust yourself that you made the right decision.”
“How do I know I did?”
“You were honest with her,” he says as he rises to his feet. “You took a chance a lot of people shy away from.” He pauses, arching a brow. “Hit the showers, you stink.”
A chuckle escapes me as he turns to go, heading down the tunnel toward the coaches offices. I turn back to face the ice, watching the Zamboni as it goes past. A sense of peace settles over me as I hang on to Uncle Caleb’s words.
He’s right. I let myself be vulnerable and took a chance a lot of people don’t take.
And now I have to trust it was worth taking.