21. Raven
RAVEN
Why is she back? The last thing she said before leaving yesterday was for Sawyer to drop Jane off at her place. It’s why I set that reminder alarm for him.
“I was headed to you. What are you doing here?” Sawyer asks.
“Go. We got this,” Summer says, turning to distract the kids.
“Give her hell,” Bella says out of the side of her mouth.
Mustering every ounce of patience I have, I march to the door.
Jocelyn groans, waving her hands in the air. “Oh my God, why can’t you ever check your goddamn phone? I’ve texted you a dozen times with the schedule change. You’re a grown adult, and you’re fully capable. This is why we never worked. I can’t carry everything by myself, Sawyer.”
I place a hand on Jane’s shoulder. “Why don’t you go wait in the car?”
She walks down the porch steps as I usher Sawyer and Jocelyn outside and close the door behind me.
Turning to Jocelyn, I cross my arms, doing my best to keep my voice even and calm as I push down the tide of rising emotions. “Don’t talk to him that way. Would you talk to Tommy that way?”
I can feel the tension in Sawyer’s body as he wraps an arm around my waist. Jocelyn takes a step toward me. “Excuse you? That’s different. Tommy’s a kid.”
“A kid who is forgetful and scattered. Who can never remember a pencil for class. But he can’t help it. His brain is operating on a different system, and instead of criticizing him for constantly forgetting his pencil, you could just show up for him with a sharpened one every day.”
Jocelyn’s mouth snaps shut, and I look at Sawyer.
“Sawyer operates the same way. His brain is constantly running, making life-changing decisions on his job. Sometimes the pencils fall through the cracks. And it’s not because he doesn’t care about the pencils.
He just needs a partner who understands that he’s never going to remember the pencils, and that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care.
He’s a good man.” I turn to her. “But if pencils are super important to you, he’s not the one for you because you’ll always equate his lack of pencils to a lack of caring about you.
” I turn back to him, locking eyes with his.
He’s got that goofy grin on his face, and I can’t help but smile.
“But I don’t give a fuck about pencils.”
“No offense, but this isn’t any of your business.”
“Offense absolutely taken. As the mother of the kid who provides your kid with unconditional support and pencils, and as the woman who loves the man you’re berating, this is one hundred percent my business.
ADHD is hereditary. And since you’ve written off Sawyer as a terrible husband when he has been nothing but kind and supportive to me, it’s my duty to defend him.
You’d never treat Tommy this way. I’ve seen how you’ve gone above and beyond to advocate for him so he gets what he needs.
But I don’t think Sawyer was a terrible husband.
He’s a man who needs support, and you didn’t give him the support he needed.
He needs someone who’ll accept him for who he is and not try to change things about him that he has no control over.
You didn’t do that for him. That doesn’t make you a bad person.
It just means the two of you aren’t a good fit.
But you’re still co-parenting. That means he’s only obligated to provide for Tommy and Jane’s emotional needs, and he does.
In spades. He’s an excellent dad. But he no longer has to provide for your emotional needs, so you need to stop expecting that of him if you want to have an amicable relationship. ”
She looks like she’s been slapped, and I decide to shut my mouth so she can take in my words, prepared for her to yell or storm off. Most people don’t appreciate my brutal honesty, but I’ve always been incapable of sugar-coating things.
“You two deserve each other,” she spits as she stomps off.
“We absolutely do,” Sawyer says, stealing the words from my mouth as he leans into me and kisses my head.
The car door slams, and she backs out of the driveway. I drop my head, trying not to let the anger in my chest take over. “Sorry, that was too much. I’m too much sometimes.”
“You’re not too much. You’re everything.”
I can feel his gaze on me, but I can’t look at him. Not yet. “I couldn’t stand there and let her talk to you that way—”
“You love me?” He turns me in his arms.
“Shit. I did say that part out loud, huh?”
“Yup. No takesie-backsies.”
I can’t help but laugh at the goofy way he eases my emotional burdens. And he’s been doing it this entire time.
He delicately slides his thumb under my chin and lifts my face to his.
I drop my eyes, resting my forehead against his chest. “I can’t look at you when you say what you’re about to say.”
“Why?” I don’t miss the hurt in his tone.
“I want to hear every word you’re about to say, and I can’t think when I look at you. I don’t want to worry about which eye to focus on, if I’m staring too long, or if my face matches my emotions.”
His hand soothes down my spine, and I relax into him.
“Raven, I love you so goddamn much it hurts. I think I knew the moment my lips touched yours in my truck after your panic attack. No one else has ever had this effect on me. Not physically. Not emotionally. I’m wholly and completely under your spell. ”
“Even when I bared my claws at you?”
“If you want to cover me in scratches, I wouldn’t complain.”
“Even when I kept pushing you away?” Fuck, I hate how needy I sound.
“Especially then. I could tell you needed time, and for you, I’m learning to be a patient man.”
“Even—”
“Gonna stop you, Ray. There are no stipulations your beautiful brain could conjure that would change the way I feel about you. I love everything about you. Your loyalty, your heart, your snark, your logic. The way you advocate for the people you love. I’m not saying it’ll be easy.
We’ll butt heads. I’ll get on your nerves, but no one in this world makes me feel as alive as you do.
And I’m up for any adventure you throw at me, haunted or not. ”
My head lifts, finally looking up at him. His forehead is scrunched in concern, and the wrinkles around his eyes are making them do that twinkling thing. He looks so handsome, even his stupid slutty ’stache is appealing. Who am I kidding? It’s always been appealing.
“What’s wrong? Did I say the wrong thing?”
“No. You said all the right things.”
“Then why do you look so mad right now?”
“Because I don’t see me the way you see me. I’ve spent most of my life trying to go unnoticed, trying to blend into the background.”
“No offense, but you couldn’t do that if you tried.”
His words make my skin tingle. “What?”
“You’re fucking magnificent. I tried not to notice you, but it was impossible. You walk in a room and command it.”
“That’s just the mask I wear. It’s the version of myself that I present to the world so they don’t perceive me incorrectly.”
“Can’t take a compliment, huh?”
“Shut up.”
“Ray, you can spit all the fire you want at me, and I’ll happily drop to my knees and take anything you want to give me. But something tells me you don’t really want me to shut up. Do you, spitfire?”
Shaking my head, I sigh. “I don’t.”
He cups my cheeks in his hands and presses his lips to mine. Blood rushes to my face, my ears, my chest as warmth spreads throughout my body. I break the kiss, pushing against his chest before it gets too heated.
“Want me to help clean up?” he asks, right as the front door swings open and Bella’s head pops out.
“All clear?” she asks, shooting me a toothy grin.
I take a step back from Sawyer. “Yup.”
“Well, don’t stop on my account. I was just letting you know that we’re heading out.
Summer’s taking McKenna to hang out with Lana, and Lucy said that Jonah was having a blast and doesn’t want to come home yet.
So if you two have some painting you want to do…
” The way she emphasizes the word “painting,” along with the eyebrow wiggling, makes me roll my eyes at her complete lack of subtlety.
Sawyer comes up behind me, wrapping an arm around my clavicle. “I definitely have a project I need her expertise on.”
Bella’s eyes bounce between us. “I’m loving this look on both of you. Oh! That reminds me—” She steps out onto the porch, closing the door behind her as she pulls something from behind her back and shoves it toward Sawyer. “Here, I saved a cookie for you.”
I eye the cockie in his hand as a dopey grin lights up Sawyer’s face. He has no clue what he’s holding, and I shake my head. “This isn’t the time, Bella.”
“This is the perfect time. If I’m not mistaken, I do believe I just won a bet, and what better way to celebrate than with a sweet treat?”
“What’s this?” Sawyer stares down at the cookie suspiciously.
“It’s a cookie, duh,” Bella says. “Aren’t they fun? They’re holiday-themed. See the little pumpkins and the scary ghost?”
“I can see that. But why are you two acting like this is important? What am I missing?” Sawyer asks as he bites into one of the pumpkins.
“It’s a dick and balls,” I say dryly. “The icing on the front may have masked the shape, but if you flip it over, you’ll see the outline.”
Sawyer nearly chokes as he pounds on his chest, turning the cookie over. “Dammit, this is one of those dick cookies that keep showing up at the firehouse. The guys have been trying to get me to eat one for months.”
“I call them cockies, patent pending.”
“You can’t patent a common sugar cookie recipe cut into a dick shape.”
Bella grins. “Trademark?”
I shake my head. “Not a recipe. A name, maybe.”
“See, this is why we’re friends. You’re so much smarter than me, and together we make a great team.”
“Thanks for the cookie… uhh, cockie,” Sawyer says, shaking it in the air.
“You two kids have fun. I’m off to collect my winnings,” Bella says, turning toward the door.
I narrow my eyes at her. Did she hear our conversation? “What winnings?”
“Since your birthday is still a week away and a certain L word was recently uttered, I just won the bet,” Bella says, then closes the door behind her.
Sawyer stares at me, a hurt look on his face.
Bella’s head pops back out. “Sorry, I realize how that sounded. This isn’t a She’s All That situation.
Raven wasn’t betting. You’re not a stupid bet.
We were betting on her falling in love before she turned forty at the end of the month.
She had nothing to do with this. It was all me. And Lucy. And Summer. And—”
“You can stop talking now. We got it,” I hiss.
“Sorry, I’ll get outta your hair.” Bella disappears as Sawyer pulls me into his arms.
“You didn’t tell me your birthday was coming up.”
“It’s not a big deal. I don’t want anyone to make a fuss.”
“Well, I can think of a few ways I’d like to celebrate you,” he says as he pulls me into another kiss, and I fantasize about all the things I want to do to this man as soon as everyone leaves.