29. Raven
RAVEN
Irace over to the door, looking for Jonah’s book bag.
He takes it with him everywhere he goes, and it has an AirTag sewn into it.
If he has it with him, we can find him. A rock sinks in my gut when I find it under a jacket next to the front door.
Loud ringing fills my ears, and I walk to the couch like a zombie, pulling up the locator app on my phone as I nervously lean against the armrest. All the AirTags are showing up at home.
“I double-checked everywhere, looked under all the furniture, in all the closets. They’re not up there,” Sawyer’s voice booms as he jogs down the stairs.
“The basement is empty too,” McKenna says, walking into the living room with Jane.
“Okay, I’m calling it in. I already texted several of the guys to search the woods around here, but local police will have better tools than us, like a drone that detects body heat,” Sawyer says, holding up his phone as he calls 911.
I’m numb. I can hear his conversation. I’m in the room.
I can feel the carpet beneath my feet, the leather armrest under my fingers, but none of their words are registering.
My heart’s beating too fast, and my anxiety is already eighteen steps ahead, playing out worst-case scenarios in my brain in vivid detail.
A hand wraps around my waist, and I’m pulled into a hug. The smell of woods and musk tickles my senses but not enough to pull me from my haze. Warm hands clasp my cheeks, and Sawyer’s bright blue eyes fill my vision. The creases on his brow are so deep. I can’t stop staring at them as he speaks.
“Raven. Did you hear me? We’ll find them. They couldn’t have gotten far.”
Jonah has run away before, but we’ve always found him quickly. Something about this time feels different.
Bella bursts through the front door. “I came as soon as I heard.”
I stare down at my hands, unable to look at her as she approaches.
Do not cry. Do not cry.
“It can’t be that hard to find a giant cock, right?” Bella says.
I bite my lips to hold in the laugh. This is the distraction I needed.
“Bella, it’s not the time,” Sawyer says in his stern fire chief voice.
I wave him off. “No, it’s okay. It was funny. I needed the laugh. I know he’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I just can’t stop my anxiety from creating all kinds of worst-case scenarios. And your jokes, as ridiculous as they are, help me get out of my head. Help me focus on something else.”
RJ walks in behind Bella and waves Sawyer over as Bella takes my hand and drags me into the kitchen. “We’re gonna find them. They couldn’t have gotten far. One of them is a turtle. They don’t move very fast.”
“I feel like I should be out there looking for him, but I also want to stay here in case he comes back. Oh God, I’m a shit parent.” I drop my head to hide the tears welling in my eyes. “I can’t do this by myself.”
“Sweetie, I know.” She rubs a tentative hand on my back. “But Imma need you to be nice to my friend.”
I tilt my head toward her, a tear spilling down my cheek.
“My friend Raven is a badass who doesn’t need a man to survive. She’s an amazing mom and friend. Supportive. Logical. Wise. She doesn’t take shit from anyone. But she’s also been through a lot these past few years and is stubborn as hell about asking for help.”
I huff out a breath. Fuck, I hate it that she’s right, yet I love that she knows me so well.
“It’s okay to feel like you can’t do it all. You’ve done more on your own than I ever could have, and I respect the hell outta you. But life has been coming at you from all angles lately, and it’s okay to lean on us for support.”
“Can I be honest even if it’s shitty?”
“Always. I’d be mad if you weren’t.”
We’re alone in the kitchen, but I drop my voice nonetheless. “I love my life, and I love my kids, but this life sucks sometimes. It’s hard, and it’s messy, and no one tells you how to do this. And when you think you’ve figured something out, life is like, fuck you, no you haven’t!”
“Life’s a dick. Sometimes it’s up. Sometimes it’s down. But it won’t be hard forever.”
I chuckle at her perverted yet insightful comment.
“Seriously, Raven, I think every mom feels that way at some point. Parenthood tests you in ways you never expect. And you can love your life and your kids and still want to grab life by the testicles and bash it around like a nineties cartoon until it eases up on you a little.”
“Thanks for that visual.”
She smiles. “What are friends for?”
“Is that why you haunted my house? It was your misguided yet well-intentioned way of helping me?”
“Yeah… sorry about that. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and we all wanted to help you two get together. Part of me thought that since everyone was in on it, even the boys, that it would be okay, but I understand how it would’ve upset you.
That was absolutely not my intention, and I’m sorry. ”
“I appreciate that.”
RJ walks into the kitchen. “Hey, can I talk to you?”
“I’m gonna give you two a minute.” Bella pats my shoulder as she leaves the kitchen, and I cross my arms, eyeing my brother up and down.
“Please don’t blame Sawyer for this. Blame me. It was all my fault, and I’m so fucking sorry.”
“I know your heart was in the right place, but it brought out a lot of emotions that I’d buried, and it was really hard for me to regulate all of that.”
“I feel awful, Raven. That wasn’t my intention at all.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever told you how your moving away hurt me.
I wanted what was best for you, and I know I’m not your mom, but I sometimes think of you like a son, not a brother, because I helped raise you, and I was hurt when you left.
Dad left me. You left me, and even though it wasn’t Kris’s fault, he left me too.
All the important men in my life leave. And I don’t want that to happen again. ”
“That won’t happen.”
“You can’t promise that. None of this was real. It was an elaborate prank.”
“Sawyer had nothing to do with this. Look, I love you, but he’s not those men.
That man is all-in. There’s no way he’s leaving you.
He’s trying to be there for you. So if you need someone to yell at, yell at me.
I did the hauntings; I did the pranks. It was all me.
Yes, I set him up to do one initially. I needed him to get them rolling, and I knew if he pranked you, you’d prank him back.
I didn’t know if you’d tell him to stop or not.
And then you did, but the door was open for me to continue.
And once I did, I knew that it would set you guys up in situations where you’d see how perfect he is for you. ”
“Why would you do that? So you could manipulate me into falling for him?”
RJ rubs his forehead, a sarcastic laugh escaping him. “Hello, pot, meet kettle.”
“What are you talking about, idiot?”
“That’s exactly what you did to Summer and me when you arranged for us to be stuck in the beach house together.”
“That’s different. You both had feelings for each other already. I forced you to admit it. You forced Sawyer and me into absurd situations, hoping we’d fall for each other. Totally different.”
“Except it’s not.”
“So this was revenge? You were getting me back?”
“No. This was me returning the favor. That man is perfect for you. You know it. I know it. Your friends know it. All four of your kids know it. Hell, the whole town knows it. But I knew you’d never be open to the idea of a setup.”
I sigh. He’s right. “I still don’t like it, but I get it.”
“That’s fair.”
RJ’s phone chirps loudly, as do several others, and Sawyer runs into the room. “They found them.”
Sawyer grabs my arm and pulls me against his chest, and I melt into him as his heart races under my fingertips.
“They’re okay. Everyone’s okay. We’re going to be okay,” he chants against my head, planting gentle kisses between the words.
“According to Mike, they got lost and panicked. Jonah told him he remembered what Sawyer taught him about how to make a fire safely, and they were able to start a small campfire. Sparky saw the smoke over the trees,” RJ says.
Sawyer’s grip tightens on me as my mind fills with questions. “How did they start a fire?”
“Tommy’s a Cub Scout, and he got a fire starter kit from selling popcorn last fall. It’s almost always in his pocket cuz he likes to fidget with the box it came in,” Sawyer explains.
I relax into his hold. “I’m glad they had each other.”
“Me too,” Sawyer says.
An hour later, the boys are escorted into the house by two officers, with Mike and Sparky close behind. We update all the friends about the boys, and even Jocelyn was surprisingly understanding. Once we fill out all the paperwork, everyone leaves, and it’s just the six of us.
We settle on the couch, the boys between us with the girls on each side of us.
“What were you two thinking?” I ask.
Tommy looks between us. “Jonah got mad, and he said he wanted to run away. He said our pranks didn’t work, and if they didn’t work, we couldn’t be a family. But he thought if we ran away, maybe you’d have to work together to find us.”
My eyes flick to Sawyer’s, and he sighs, giving me a knowing look.
“Is that true?”
Jonah nods.
“That wasn’t safe,” McKenna says.
“Yeah, you scared us,” Jane agrees.
“I couldn’t let him run away by himself,” Tommy argues.
Sawyer clears his throat, letting me know he’s got this.
“Tommy, thank you for keeping Jonah safe. That was quick thinking. But you could’ve come to Raven or me and told us. It’s our job to keep you all safe.”
“But he’s really fast,” Tommy says.
McKenna shifts. “He is.”
Jonah is quiet, his arms wrapped around his middle as he rocks back and forth on the couch.
“I heard you yelling. You wanted Sawyer to leave, and I don’t want him to leave.
I want him to stay and live here every day.
I want Tommy to be my brother, and Jane and McKenna too.
When they’re here, it feels like how family is supposed to feel. Like it did before Dad died.”
“You weren’t supposed to hear any of that. That was a grown-up conversation,” I say.
Sawyer leans back on the couch, propping a foot on his knee. “You know how sometimes you have emotions that feel too big and you need to get them out of your body?”
Jonah nods.
“Well, adults do too. I did something that upset your mom, and she was angry at me. And just like you, sometimes she needs help regulating her emotions. She needed to get all the words in her head out of her mouth. And I wanted her to do that so she could feel safe with me, even if the words were scary or angry. Because after she gets it all out, she feels better. But you weren’t meant to hear those words. ”
“Like when I write in my journal, and those words are just for me?”
Sawyer glances at me. “Exactly, except instead of writing them down, I let her say them all to me, because I can handle it and help her with it. That’s what you do with someone you love. You love all of them, even the messy parts and the scary thoughts.”
“And you help them when they’re upset?” Jonah asks.
“You do,” I say.
“So how can we help you right now?” Sawyer asks, looking down at Jonah. “You scared the crap out of us. These mountains are dangerous. Trust me, I know. And I would be devastated if anything happened to either of you out there.”
“I want you to stay,” Jonah says.
Sawyer’s gaze swings to mine, his eyes pleading, and I nod. “Only if you promise not to run away ever again.”
“I promise,” Jonah says.
“Me too,” Tommy adds.
“We can stay tonight,” Sawyer agrees.
“What about the rest of the nights?” Tommy asks as all the kids look between us.
“We’ll need to talk about it and figure out logistics with Jocelyn,” I say as Sawyer beams at me. We’ll need to talk about all of this eventually, but right now I’m just relieved that everyone is home.
After the excitement of the evening, it takes way too long to get the kids to bed.
“I want to install an alarm for the house, just in case,” I say, crawling into the bed.
“That’s a good idea.” Sawyer climbs in next to me, lying on his side as he peers into my eyes.
“And cameras.”
“I’m down to be on camera as long as you get my good angles.” He wiggles his eyebrows.
“Cameras to keep everyone safe, moron.”
“And catch all our friendly ghosts? Get it? Because our ghosts were literally our friends?”
“That’s what the alarm system is for, too.”
“So you’re keeping this house, then? What are you gonna do with the other property?”
I sigh, thinking about all the memories I made in that house with Kris. “I dunno. I don’t want to get rid of it, but it doesn’t seem worth it to rebuild.”
“Jonah seems happier here. McKenna too.”
“But it feels like I’m losing Kris all over again.”
“He’ll always be with you. In your hearts, in your memories, in your laughter when you share stories about him. He lives on in all of you, not in the lumber and paint of a building he once lived in.”
I tuck my hand under my cheek. “That was really insightful.”
He leans in to kiss my forehead and strokes my spine as I relax into his touch. “Sometimes I’m not a moron.”
“I’m still mad.”
“At me?”
“Yes? No. I dunno. Sometimes it’s hard for me to move on after a big emotion.
Like, I know you weren’t behind the pranks, and everyone who was has apologized, but the feelings are still here in my body.
I’m still mad, but I don’t want to be mad at you.
Once the feelings get so big that they consume me, they don’t deflate that easily even if I want them to.
And that feeling of betrayal is still floating around in my chest like it has nowhere to go. ”
“I can think of a few activities you can do to get your feelings out.”
“I could tie you to that cross and spank your ass until you’re begging me to let you come,” I tease.
“Not how I thought we’d use that cross, but I’m down for it.”
A grin lights up my face. “Okay, maybe I do feel a little better.”
He leans in, kissing my forehead. “I’m so fucking sorry about everything. I’ll never betray your trust, Ray, I promise. I didn’t mean to trick you, but I promise I’ll treat you like the queen you are for the rest of my life.”
I groan, pressing my face into his chest. “That was so bad.”
“What? I was being sweet.”
“Trick or treat?”
His chest vibrates against me as he laughs. “Fuck, I didn’t plan that.”
“Mm-hmm.” He holds me tighter, our bodies pressing together. I turn my head, rubbing my cheek against his pec. “I finished my book. That’s why I was late to the party.”
“That’s amazing. I can’t wait to read it.”
“You don’t have to do that. You already got the girl.”
“But can I keep you?”
“Yes, as long as you don’t act like a moron.” I study his face, and even though it’s dim, there’s enough moonlight spilling in that his eyes twinkle.
“But that’s what you love most about me.”
“Yeah, yeah. Go to sleep.” I turn in his arms, forcing him to be the big spoon.
“Besides, I need to know what’s gonna happen with the Walker brothers. I have some ideas, and I want to see if I’m right,” he whispers in my ear as I drift off to sleep.