Chapter 5 #3
“I didn’t say anything to you before, because my circumstances are somewhat strange, and don’t make a lot of sense to most people, or even to me sometimes.
I’m married, but not in the classic sense.
We got married on the spur of the moment in grad school, on a crazy weekend in Las Vegas, it was a mistake, we didn’t know each other well.
We were planning to dissolve it and discovered that my son was on the way, so we stuck with it, and compounded the mistake.
The situation deteriorated over the years, and basically, the marriage died a long time ago.
It was never really a functioning marriage.
About a dozen years ago, we knew it was over, and ten years ago we gave up on it completely.
We had a child and thought we should stay together for his sake, which was probably also a mistake.
And as my wife said so succinctly, a divorce would be inconvenient, unpleasant, and expensive, so we agreed not to get divorced but to live our own lives, separately but in the same house ‘for our son,’ which is what we’ve done.
It has its advantages and disadvantages, and it balances out.
We are equally disengaged. We are married in name only, living at the same address.
And admittedly cutting everything in half now would be a mess financially.
We have very little contact with each other.
We go our own ways. Liam has left home, so we can’t even dignify our relationship by claiming it’s for him anymore.
Call it laziness or cowardice or habit, we’re still technically married, although I probably have less contact with her than I do with my mailman.
There are no jealous scenes, no vacations together.
We live separately in the same home, but we’re strangers to each other.
I’ve been involved with other women over the years, no one I was in love with.
I’ve never made anyone any promises, nor broken any.
I have no idea what she does, and it’s none of my business.
I feel totally comfortable going anywhere with you.
I have nothing to hide, but I thought it’s fair for you to know that legally, for financial reasons if nothing else, I’m married, although my heart isn’t involved and neither is hers.
I see no advantage in changing that. I’m not a prospect for anyone’s future, but my heart is free, my time is my own, and I owe no one any explanations.
I’m a free man, but not legally, and I thought you should know.
” The situation sounded even stranger when he had to explain it to someone.
He hadn’t in a long time, but he was taken enough with Devon that he wanted her to know and didn’t want to mislead her.
She looked at him seriously when he had finished.
“That’s so sad. It sounds so lonely,” she said, gently touching his hand. She didn’t look upset, she was sorry for him, and he was startled by her reaction, which was one of compassion, not disappointment or anger that he hadn’t told her sooner.
“As an example,” he added, “she vacations in Aspen, I come here, and we won’t speak to each other all summer.
We have no reason to. We pass each other in the halls occasionally when I’m home.
I travel a lot. We have nothing to say to each other.
There’s nothing left to say. Staying married in those conditions must sound crazy to you, and it does to me too, but she’s my family in a way, and I have no desire to cut everything I have in half and make our lives less comfortable and more complicated.
We waited too long to divide things up, to put it bluntly.
It’s easier the way it is now than to tear everything apart and start again. ”
“Did you ever love her?” Devon asked him, getting to the heart of the matter.
“I don’t think so. And she didn’t love me either.
We got married during a drunken weekend in Vegas when we were students.
And she changed radically when she grew up.
We have nothing in common, except our son.
” Devon nodded her understanding. She didn’t look shocked, which surprised Charlie.
He had guessed her to be more traditional than that, but he was grateful and relieved that she hadn’t run screaming from the room in horror.
“I was married too,” she said quietly. “I was twenty-two when we married, he was twenty-four, we were students at the Beaux-Arts. He eventually gave up his studies so he could support me. He was such a sweet boy. We were children. And he was so good to me. Four years later, he was hit by a bus riding his bike to work on a rainy night, and he was killed. I was a widow at twenty-six. That was sixteen years ago, and I’ve never wanted to marry since.
For a long time, I still felt married to him.
I don’t anymore. And who knows how it would have been when we grew up.
I think it would have worked, we were happy, but you never know.
What works at twenty-two doesn’t always work at forty-two or fifty-two.
We never had a chance to find out. There’s never been anyone serious in my life since then.
I’ve focused on my work, and it’s been enough for me.
Something happened when I saw you for the first time at the gallery.
I felt something very strong the moment I saw you, a current between us.
I thought that if we were meant to know each other, you would find me.
And you did, the next day. Now we’ve found each other again.
I don’t know what that means. But I love being with you and talking to you.
Thank you for being honest with me,” she said gratefully, and he felt a huge weight drop from his shoulders.
She was fine with the fact that he was married.
And the rest remained to be seen. No one could predict what would happen, but he wanted her to know that marriage wasn’t an option, and she seemed fine with it.
“I move around a lot, and I’m used to coming and going as I need to.
I’m very independent, and I’m not used to answering to anyone, I never have been.
But I always find my way home eventually.
” She thought about what he had said, and it sounded reasonable.
“Thank you for trusting what I told you. It’s not one of those bogus arrangements cheaters claim to have and then their jealous wives go nuts.
I have no jealous wife. She couldn’t care less what I do, or if I never show up again.
In fact, I think it annoys her more than anything when I do come home. ”
“What does your son think about it?” she asked, curious. “It can’t have been easy for him.”
“No, it wasn’t. Our priority was our careers, which was wrong.
He and I just spoke about it. He’s very forgiving, which is more than we deserve.
He thinks our marriage is a sad way to live, as you just said.
But it’s how things ended up, very quickly, and it’s too complicated to unravel now.
Liam basically grew up in a loveless home.
He paid the price for our mistake, but he seems to have survived it remarkably well, no thanks to us.
He’s a strong guy. Maybe he knew that despite our mistakes, we loved him—we just didn’t love each other. ”
“That’s not a healthy way to live either, for any of you. And she doesn’t want anything better than that?” It was hard to believe, but she trusted what he said.
“All she wants is her career. And she’s brilliant at it.
It’s her first priority, and always was.
It was mine too, for a long time, but I want something more in my life now, to the degree that I can have it, in my circumstances.
I’ve been careful not to get involved with people who wanted more from me.
I didn’t want to let anyone down, break any promises or anyone’s heart, and I haven’t.
But the same rules still apply. I’m limited by my circumstances and what I can give in the context of how I live my life. ”
“You can give your heart. That’s what matters most, Charlie. It’s all that matters. Without that, you have nothing, just as you say about your marriage. That’s not a life for either of you.” She wondered if his wife had a lover and he didn’t know.
“No, it’s not,” he agreed with her, and leaned over and kissed her. They had said enough. She knew what she needed to know. It was a level playing field, as much as he could give her one, and she put her arms around him and kissed him with unbridled passion.
“We found each other for a reason,” she whispered to him afterward, “whatever that reason is.” He had never known a woman who was as understanding and forgiving and demanded so little from him.
They sat on the deck after dinner, holding hands and talking softly, late into the night.
He wanted her to stay, but didn’t want to ask her.
They had covered some important ground that night, serious things had been said.
He didn’t want to confuse her. She had told him everything he needed to know, and he had been honest with her.
The rest would unfold as it was meant to, and they both knew what they were getting into, if they did.
The ground rules were clear. He was falling in love with her, and she with him.
It had happened like lightning the first time they saw each other.
And the rest of the story wasn’t written yet.