Chapter 31 #2
Rachel closed her eyes, struggling not to wince. To give up a place at Durham for a part-time course at a community college. It felt wrong. “And live at home?”
“Yes. I thought that might be better.” Lily’s voice was hesitant. “I could help with Mum.”
“Is that why—”
“No. I told you. This is what I want, Rachel. Honestly.”
Rachel shook her head, unable to speak for a few seconds. Her throat felt thick with disappointment and sadness, and she struggled to find even the semblance of a smile. “Like I said, you need to make your own choices.”
“I wish you could be happy for me.”
“I will, eventually,” Rachel managed. “Give me time.”
“Hey.” Meghan’s voice rang out from the kitchen. “Who made the cake?” Lily winced. “Because the top layer is sliding off.”
Rachel rose from the sofa. “I guess we don’t need a cake anymore,” she said, her voice brittle.
“We’re not celebrating?” Lily sounded sad.
No, they weren’t bloody celebrating. Rachel took a deep breath. “I suppose we might as well eat it before it slides onto the floor
As soon as they came into the kitchen Meghan sussed what was going on, simply from their faces. “Uh-oh.” She stuck a finger in the dripping icing and sucked it off .
Lily made a face. “Eww, Meghan. That’s vile.”
“So you told her?”
“You knew?” Rachel whirled around from the cupboard, and Meghan took another fingerful of icing
“I knew she was thinking about not taking the exam,” she said, and swallowed.
Rachel banged the plates onto the table. “Did it have to come to this? Couldn’t you have told me before, Lily—”
“I tried. You never wanted to listen.”
Which was probably true.
“The only person in this family who wants to go to Durham, Rachel,” Meghan said, her voice surprisingly gentle, “is you.”
Rachel closed her eyes. “And I can’t.”
“Maybe not Durham, but why not Lancaster? You’ve filled out the application—”
“I know.” Rachel opened her eyes and sniffed. “We’ll see,” she said.
A couple of hours later Rachel remained downstairs, wiping kitchen counters that had already been wiped as Meghan and Lily went upstairs to get ready for bed.
The pipes clanked and the floorboards creaked, but otherwise the house was quiet, the last of the sun’s rays slanting through the kitchen window even though it was ten o’clock at night.
Rachel used to love the late summer evenings; when she’d been little she and her father had walked to the beach at nine o’clock at night, the sun still glinting off the sea.
It had felt magical, like a secret they shared, to be out so late.
When had she lost the pleasure in summer nights, in sunlight glinting off water, in anything? For years she’d simply been slogging through each day, head lowered against the rain, the wind, the world.
Lily was right. She had been a nag. And Meghan was right too; she’d been a grumpy git. She wanted to change, but at that moment she didn’t know if she had either the energy or the will.
Her phone buzzed with a text, vibrating on the kitchen table like an angular insect, and wearily Rachel picked it up. When someone texted this late at night, it usually meant the cancelation of a cleaning job.
Can we talk?
It was from Andrew. Rachel stared at her phone for a few seconds before she thumbed a reply. We can text.
The phone buzzed back with another text. No. Talk. I’m standing outside your door.
Her heart felt as if it were clambering up her throat as she flung the phone onto the table and hurried to the front door. Opened it and saw Andrew standing there with a sheepish smile.
“What—”
“My parents asked me to come home this weekend, and I wanted to see you before I went.”
“Why—”
“Because,” he said simply, and stepped into the house.
Rachel stood there, the smile that had bloomed when she’d opened the door to Andrew threatening to slide off her face. She felt way too emotional for this moment.
Andrew frowned at her. “Rachel? Are you okay?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” She let out a strangled laugh, and then, to her horror, she felt tears start in her eyes.
Too many tears to blink back; they spilled down her cheeks before she could keep herself from it, and she turned away, burning with embarrassment.
“You must think I’m a nutter. I’ll be all right in a sec.
. . .” She wiped her palms across her cheeks, trying to will the tears back, but it was too late for that.
Then she felt Andrew’s hands on her shoulders as he turned her gently around to face him and brought her into the comforting embrace of his arms. Which only made it harder to get herself together.
“What happened?”
“Everything.” She could barely get the word out. “Lily’s not going to Durham and Claire’s leaving and I’m a bitch.” She let out a hiccuppy half laugh, half sob. “Everything’s wrong, Andrew.”
“Let’s take one thing at a time.” He steered her into the sitting room and then sat on the sofa and pulled her onto his lap.
“I’m not really a lap sitter,” Rachel mumbled, and Andrew chuckled softly and shifted so she was sitting next to him, his arm around her, her head tucked against his shoulder.
“That better?”
“Yes.”
“So what happened with Lily?”
Briefly Rachel told him, and he listened without speaking. Finally he said, “I know it’s disappointing.”
“But,” Rachel cut across him. “I know. It’s her life. I was pushing the whole thing on her. I do realize that. I knew it all along, I guess, but it was such an opportunity.”
“Knowing something doesn’t make it any less disappointing.”
“No.” Rachel sniffed. The tears had thankfully stopped, although her face was no doubt blotchy and puffy from crying. Just the way she wanted Andrew to see her.
“And Claire?” Andrew asked.
“She’s going to London to take up some pretentious job with a charity.”
“Arranged by my parents, no doubt.”
“Yes.”
“Did she seem happy about that?”
“Happy?” Rachel paused, considering. “No, not exactly. But she seemed like she was going to do it. And I’d actually texted her, asking her to go into the housekeeping business with me, so I could have time to do a part-time course at Lancaster.
” She felt her eyes fill again, but this time she could blink the tears back.
“I’m not dependent on Claire. I realize that, but .
. .” Her voice wobbled, and then she started to squeak. “It’s just that everybody leaves.”
“Everybody?” Andrew asked gently. “Or just your dad?”
The simple question felled her. The tears came again, worse this time, and she buried her face in fistfuls of Andrew’s shirt as her shoulders shook. “I miss him,” she gasped out, a confession she’d never made to anyone, not even to herself. “I don’t want to. I hate that I do, but I do.”
“Of course you do,” Andrew said. He was stroking her back and her hair, and for a few seconds, in his arms, she felt incredibly safe.
Finally she eased back, embarrassed again by how much she’d lost it. “Sorry . . .”
“Oh, Rachel.” Andrew touched her chin with his forefinger. “You’ve had a pretty raw deal in life, haven’t you?”
“So I’m not the only one who thinks my life sucks?” Rachel managed to quip, and Andrew grimaced.
“I know I sounded like a bit of an ass back then—”
“A bit?”
“All right, a complete ass. I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I’ve been ratty for too long as it is.”
“You’ve had good reason. But things can change now, Rachel. You can still go to Lancaster.”
“If they accept me.”
“Are you joking? Of course they will. And you’ll sort the housecleaning. Maybe Meghan can help—”
“Meghan’s going into childminding.”
“Or Lily—”
“No. That’s the last thing I want Lily to do. She can do her course and help with Mum.”
“Something will work out. You could just do fewer houses.”
“Maybe.” But she’d liked the idea of going into business with Claire, of sharing something like they once had. Of being friends again, and better this time. Stronger. Partners. “I’ll figure something out.” She leaned her head back against the sofa, away from Andrew’s arm. “Sorry to blub.”
“You deserved a good cry.”
She gave him a watery smile, and he touched her chin again. “And where do I fit into all of this?” he asked quietly.
“In Macclesfield?”
“Wherever I am.”
“Let me guess. You have a job coming up in Papua New Guinea.”
“Nope.”
“Burma?”
“No, I’ll be working in Macclesfield for a few more months. And after that . . .” He shrugged. “I could limit myself to the UK if I had a reason to.”
Rachel felt her stomach dip, the way it did when she was on a roller coaster. It was not an entirely pleasant sensation. “Do you have a reason?”
“You tell me.” Andrew rested his gaze on her, everything about him so steady and sure. So trustworthy, if she could summon the strength to trust him.
“Maybe,” she allowed, and he laughed wryly.
“You’re good for my ego, Rachel. You keep me from being arrogant.”
“That’s something, then, because I always thought you were a bit pompous.”
“I know you did.” He put his hands on her shoulders, and Rachel’s breath hitched.
“Maybe, eh?” he said, and then he leaned forward and kissed her.
Rachel closed her eyes, savoring the sweetness of his mouth against hers, his breath warm and minty, his lips soft and yet hard at the same time.
It had been a long, long time since she’d been kissed, and this so tenderly.
He pulled back a little, smiling. “Still maybe?”
“You’ll have to do better than that if you want a yes,” Rachel said, and grinning, Andrew did.