Chapter 31
The next day, after Charlie leaves for practice, I know that Chandler is alone at her house, so I go over there without warning her. This is what best friends are for and the only reason I don’t do this when the guys are home is because we all know what goes on in this house.
Knocking on the front door, Chandler answers with a bowl of cereal in her hand. She looks surprised to see me, but I speak before she can say anything, “I’m having a crisis.” I walk past her into the house.
I hear her shut the door before following me and I hear the humor in her voice when she says, “Huh, funny. I remember saying these exact same words to you almost exactly a year ago.”
“Yeah, this is a different crisis.”
“Well, I would hope so since you don’t have any cheating exes I can think of.”
I plop down on the large sectional in her living room, lying flat and throwing an arm over my eyes. “I’m having feelings.”
Without looking, I can hear the smug smile on her face. “What feelings are you having?”
I groan, loudly. “The scary kind.”
“Which would be…?”
I drop my arm. “I like Charlie. I like him a lot. So much that it’s scary!” Now, I can see her smug smile as she slowly chews her food. I narrow my eyes at my best friend. “What?”
She shrugs, taking another bite and just looks at me as she chews.
“What?!” I exclaim.
She takes her time before responding with words, “You love him.”
“Okay, whoa, I’m not saying that. Let’s calm down with the L word over here.”
She laughs, “Tell me again why you’re so afraid of the L word?”
“Because it’s scary,“ I exaggerate.
“I get that it’s scary, but tell me why, exactly. I know you’ve never been interested in any sort of long-term relationship, so I never thought we would get this far. Now that it has, I guess I just want to know what’s really holding you back.”
Tucking my legs underneath myself as I sit up, I mumble my reason because I know she’s going to refute it almost instantly. And honestly, I know it’s a weak excuse, especially after I told it to Charlie.
“I don’t want to give anyone the power to control me,” I mumble.
Chandler scoffs, “You think you’d be falling in love with someone who is wanting to control you?”
I throw my hands up. “I get it, I know it’s stupid. You know all about my childhood though, and I just hate the thought of that being my reality again.”
“I know, I get that, but let me ask you one thing. Has Charlie ever once acted like he wants to control you or what you do?”
“Not outside the bedroom if you know what I mean,” I wink at her.
“Oh, I know what you mean. Do you think he would ever want you to stop camming?”
That’s really what it comes down to, in some ways, isn’t it? I love what I do, and I don’t want to have to give it up. I know a lot of guys wouldn’t be okay with it, just like strippers who have boyfriends that hate what they do and make them quit.
Charlie has never once acted like he would want me to change what I do for work. Or change anything about myself. Maybe that’s why I’m…potentially falling for him.
“No, I don’t think he would. I think he likes it.”
She gives me a pointed look and I groan again, throwing my head back against the couch cushions.
“So, maybe you should tell him how you’re feeling. I bet he’s feeling the same,” she nudges.
“And if he doesn’t?”
“He does,” she replies instantly.
“How do you know?”
She smiles, taking another healthy bite of cereal and not answering.
“Okay, well, however you know you should tell Vince to give this same advice to Charlie.”
“How’d you know it’s Vince?”
“Are you kidding me? Matt wouldn’t ever care, and Brent wouldn’t say anything if he knew.”
“Fine, it was Vince. But regardless, I’m sure you’ve given your ‘I don’t do serious, and this doesn’t mean anything’ speech to Charlie enough that he wouldn’t dare admit his feelings unless you do first.”
“It’s scary how you know me so well,” I tease.
“It’s a gift. Now, tell me more about when you started feeling this way,” she bounces excitedly.
“Well, there was this one time when he ditched the condom and came on me instead–”
“I’m done,” she shakes her head laughing, taking her empty bowl to the kitchen.
I call out after her, “What? I was getting to the good stuff.”
After I leave Chandler’s,I go to pick up some more items from my house. Before going inside, I update my group chat once again.
Audrey: Hypothetically what would you do if you start having feelings for a viewer?
Jade: We are back to the hypotheticals?
Skylar: I did have feelings for a viewer once. Fredrick. How I miss that man.
Audrey: What happened?
Jade: Fredrick?
Skylar: I get it. Not a cute name, but he was cute. Trust me. He just stopped logging on, and I don’t know what happened.
Audrey: That’s actually kind of sad…
Jade: I agree. Sorry, Sky. Lacey, I think we are past this guy just being a viewer. Are you still living with him?
Audrey: …maybe.
Skylar: And fucking him regularly?
Audrey: …possibly.
Jade: If you’re having feelings, you should tell him. Do you think he feels the same?
Audrey: …perhaps.
Jade: Lacey!
Audrey: Yes, maybe. I get it.
Skylar: If the dick is this good don’t let him go.
Audrey: Sky, you get me.
Once I’m inside, I look around and realize how much I don’t miss it here. I finally had pest people out to take care of that problem, which they said they did, but the electrical is still completely fucked.
Part of me feels like I should just cut my losses and try to sell. The idea is tempting. It would take a while for my grandma to find my new address and where to harass me, but she always finds a way.
On the other hand, I don’t know if I’d want to part with this place. It’s a symbol of my independence. I earned this house. On my own.
But standing in here with all the lights off, all my things untouched for so long it just feels…empty. Like any sort of attachment I had here is gone. I grab some more of my clothes and check the mail where I’m not surprised to find yet another letter.
Once I’m in my car I decide to open this one, I don’t know why because I know all it’s going to do is piss me off, but I do it anyway.
Audrey,
Thanksgiving is almost here, and your grandfather and I would like it if you could join us for once. This would be the perfect time for you to reset, give thanks and ask for forgiveness. We are having other members from our church over and it would be beneficial for you to talk to them as well.
It’s time to come home.
I scoff, crumpling up the piece of paper and tossing it somewhere in my car before leaving. I may be debating what to do with my current house, but I know one thing for sure is that the house I lived in growing up was not a home.
Certainly, isn’t anymore. The closest thing I have to a home isn’t even a place anymore. It’s a person and he doesn’t even know it.