26. Sebastian
CHAPTER 26
SEBASTIAN
E ven as hot tears wash down my cheeks, I feel empty. Blank and endless in a way I've never felt before. Ely clutches my head to her waist, and I wrap my arms tighter around her, as tight as I can get, so tight I can barely breathe through the tears and the fabric of her shirt.
The coppery, iron scent of blood stains the air, and my knees are warm and wet with it, but that’s not something I can deal with right now. I can't even look at what I've done. Not yet.
When I shift, Ely clutches me tighter, and I do the same back. Maybe she needs to hold me as much as I need to touch her.
She's whispering to me softly, and I can't make out the words with my ear in her shirt and the other covered by her forearm, but I don't care. Just touching her and feeling her is enough right now. It's everything I need.
I'm trying to sort my emotions, this empty hollow hole with the cold rage I'd felt when I pulled that trigger. At least to figure out the bridge that got me here...from enraged to empty in two seconds flat.
Ely's fingers shift up into my hair, and she releases some of the hold she'd had on my head for the last couple of minutes.
Tears still pour down my cheeks, and I block out the shame I'd usually feel for crying in front of her. There's not even room for that in this empty ache.
There's a scuffle at the door and Ely turns to face it, my head still held tight so my back is to the doorway. A subtle shift but she's trying to protect me.
Something in my cracks deep inside, and I hold her tighter. My wife. My love.
"Did you need something?" Ely asks, her tone curt and cold.
I gently ease away enough that I can see who is at the doorway. It wouldn't be a stranger... has to be one of my friends.
Of course, Drew stands there, his eyes to his right, his face a little pale. "We heard a shot, wanted to make sure everything was okay in here."
Ely swipes at my face with her thumb, not missing a beat, her eyes never leaving Drew's face. "We're fine, but I assume you have some way of dealing with this? I want to take care of him right now, if you could handle this..." she trails off.
Drew sighs and pulls his phone from his pocket. "I got it. Just take a trashbag with you when you go upstairs. I'll need your clothes; both of you are fucking splattered."
Ely glances down at her shirt like she's only now remembering she shot her father a little while before.
"Oh, yeah, right, okay."
I slowly stand, and it's like my knees can barely get under me, and I wobble like a baby deer until she clutches me tightly to her side. "Come on. Let's go upstairs. We'll let your friends deal with the mess this time."
I can't say anything as she leads me from the room. Nor can I look back at Tanya, at what I did to her, at what's left of her face.
Slowly, Ely guides me out of the room and towards the stairs. Aries hands her a white trash bag as we exit the room. She crumples it in one hand, the other still tight around me. The walk to our bedroom takes a minute that feels like a million years. She closes the door firmly then turns to face me.
"Do you hate me now?" I whisper. "If you did I would understand.”
She rears back, shaking out the trash bag. "No, I don't hate you. We've been through too much and have gone too far for me to hate you now. We made a promise to one another, that we wouldn’t keep secrets, we wouldn’t hide the darkness from each other. This was just you keeping that promise. I can know this version of you exists and still love the man that you are. Remember, for darkness to exist, there must be some slivers of light."
The empty ache in my chest fills with a little more warmth. My hands are shaking as I reach for my shirt buttons. She steps up, batting my hands away, and quickly strips the buttons from the holes and tugs the fabric away to shove into the bag. Then, with utmost care, she removes my shoes, my socks, my pants, my underwear…all of it.
Once she finishes she checks the bag for blood then gently sets it on the floor while she strips out of her own clothes and stuffs them deep into the sack and ties it up.
When she moves to the door, I grab her wrist. "No one sees you."
This earns me a tiny smile. "No one is going to. I'll set it outside the door and close it. Jealous?" She winks and I can't help it. The normalcy of it, the cheek of her…it makes me laugh.
It's small and short, but again it adds a bit more to this gnawing hole in my chest, threatening to eat me from the inside out.
After she shoves the bag into the hall, closes the door, and locks it, she faces me. She’s gorgeously, blindingly naked. Every single one of her curves and her scars mesmerizes me.
"Come on, let me clean you up." She holds her hand out, and there's nothing to do but take it and let her lead me into the bathroom.
She turns the water to hot, knowing it's how I like it, and tugs me into the shower stall. I'm already a little hard staring at her but she keeps things all business, carefully washing me, checking for any blood on my skin. Then she does the same for herself.
"Did I get it all?" she asks, the sudsy loofah still in her grasp.
I spin her a couple of times and nod. "I don't see anything. But come here. I need you."
She drops the soapy loofah and steps into me, gliding along my skin with her own soap-slick body.
I lean down and kiss her, taste her, feel her heat and warmth against me. Not just her physical beauty, but how she loves with her whole heart once she gives it, how she glows for me.
She swipes her tongue into my mouth, arching into me.
I melt into it, drawing her closer, until I reach down under her slick ass and lift her into my arms to bring us closer together. Moaning into my mouth, her arms circle my neck, further proof of her own desire.
"I need you, Ely."
"I'm not going anywhere," her voice is breathless, and drops of water drip off her long lashes. "Let's finish in the shower and climb into bed for a bit. I think we could both use some rest."
Of the two of us, she seems to be doing better than me with this whole murder business. Even when I killed my grandfather, I didn't feel this empty hole. How do I get rid of it completely?
Is this one more thing Tanya steals from me, even when she's no longer here?
I slowly lower Ely to her feet, and she leads me out of the shower again, passing me a towel. I buff at my skin, lost in the idea that I'll forever have this ache in my chest, this loss of...something. I don't even know what's supposed to be there.
Maybe the act of killing her drove this emptiness inside me, pushing apart my chest, my organs, allowing everything dark and ugly to take root inside me. A darkness I won't be able to shake. I come back to Ely cupping my cheeks gently.
"Hey, baby. Come on, let's get into bed." Her face is soft, a little smile on her lips, but her eyes are worried and searching as she looks into mine.
I nod and let her pull me behind her to the bed, then I climb up into the soft clean sheets beside her, rolling so I can look at her face while we lie here.
She mirrors me, her hands under her cheek, her knees curled up in front of her, all her bare pale skin gleaming in the soft light coming from the partially open bathroom door.
"Are you okay?"
I nod and then shake my head. "No, I don't think so, but eventually yes… yes I will be." No more secrets means I tell her when I'm not okay, too.
She skims her fingers down my cheek.
"I understand. I feel the same way. It's like you're scared you're going to turn into this monster, to give into the darkness, and let it eat you from the inside out."
I nod. "Yes, and it feels easier to let it."
Her fingers tighten, hooking around my jaw. "At first, yes, but you won't, right? You're stronger than that. I'm stronger than that. We are strong together."
I swallow the lump in my throat and merely nod. It does feel so much easier to give into this pain threatening to eat me up. In the end, Tanya wouldn't even try to make amends, even offer a real apology. She was my stepmother for so many years, until she changed into something ugly and shameful. Now she's a corpse, and some part of that little boy wants to feel bad for it, to feel guilty, but the man won't let him. Won't allow me to feel guilt for destroying her for everything she did to us. She deserved it…worse, even. I just wish she'd apologized or shown some tiny shred of understanding or remorse for what she put me through.
I tug myself from my wandering thoughts and reach to pull Ely closer. "Come here. I need you."
With the memories of the past threatening to spill over into nightmares, I need the scent of her body in my lungs, the feel of her skin against mine. "Be my anchor, keep me here with you," I whisper.
She shifts closer, sliding along the sheets hips first until our bodies collide.
I kiss her once, gentle, tasting, then again harder this time seeking, once more feeling the way she melts into me, the way her body loosens and she lets go only for me.
In that moment, more of the darkness ebbs away, leaving only Ely behind. I snake a hand between her thighs and gently part the petals of her pussy until I can dip a finger into her slick center. She’s slick, and wet for me. Good. I don't want sex but I need this, I need her more than I need anything else right now.
Shifting I align our bodies and slowly glide my dick between her thighs. She helps, canting her hips up enough so I can slip into her tightness, the heat of her searing me as I push deep and seat myself fully inside her. A small hiss escapes her and the air in my own lungs shudders out of me.
"This is for you. For us. To connect. It's not about sex right now. Just be here with me."
I nod, because she's read my mind. After...after everything I'm not thinking about sex or fucking. All I want is her here with me, touching the deepest parts of my soul, keeping me in place so I don’t fall down the rabbit hole and spiral out of control.
"I love you," Ely whispers against my lips. "And I’m here for whatever you need. I can be strong for you for a little while. If you need to let go you can. I’ll be here to catch you if you fall.”
I kiss her gently. "I love you, too, Elyse. This is perfect, you’re perfect. It's exactly what I need."
She nods, understanding in her gaze and I let my eyes fall closed and her fingers brush away the tears I hadn't even noticed I'd shed.