CHAPTER SIX #4
Dana looked at their joined hands. "I wanted you to hurt me." The confession was barely audible. Brynn became very still. "Physically?" Dana nodded.
"Why?"
"Because then I would know what the pain was for. I wanted rules. A consequence. Something that ended."
Brynn's expression held sadness rather than shock.
"I understand."
"You are not disgusted?"
"No."
"Frightened?"
"Concerned."
Dana almost withdrew. Brynn held her in place. "Concern is not rejection."
"What happens if I ask for that another time?"
"I decide whether you are asking from desire or self-hatred."
"And if you are wrong?"
"You tell me."
"That assumes I know."
"Then we stop when neither of us is certain."
The answer was frustrating. It was also safe. Brynn reached for a cloth and wiped the tears from Dana's face.
"Have you eaten since breakfast?"
Dana closed her eyes. "No." Brynn exhaled.
"The briefing began early."
"That explains it. It does not change it."
"I could not eat while receiving casualty reports."
"You could have eaten afterward."
"I had to prepare the statement."
Brynn's gaze held hers.
"You concealed exhaustion and skipped two meals."
"I did not conceal anything. Everyone in the room could see me."
"That is not honesty."
Dana felt the shift in Brynn. The grief remained present, but another structure began forming around it.
"What are you going to do?"
"Feed you."
"That is not discipline."
"No."
Dana's disappointment revealed too much.
Brynn noticed. "Discipline tonight would become tangled with grief.
I will not allow that. You will eat, drink water, and sleep beside me.
Tomorrow, after you speak to the families and the operation has been reviewed, we will discuss the meals you skipped and the fact that you intended to hide it.
" Dana's pulse changed. "You intend to discipline me tomorrow? "
"If you still consent when tomorrow arrives."
The qualification mattered.
"Yes," Dana said.
"That is not a decision you need to make tonight."
"I know."
Brynn stood and extended her hand. "Food." Dana looked at it. "I am not hungry."
"That is not the question."
Despite the grief and exhaustion, something inside Dana quieted. She took Brynn's hand.
* * *
They ate in the small kitchen rather than the formal dining room. The retreat staff had left soup, bread, and roasted chicken warming in covered dishes. No one entered. Staff had been dismissed for the evening. Brynn placed a plate in front of Dana. "Half."
"I cannot eat all of that."
"I said half."
Dana picked up the fork. Brynn sat opposite her with a glass of water and watched without hurrying her. When Dana finished half, Brynn covered her hand before she could take another bite.
"Enough."
The word stopped her immediately. Brynn noticed the reaction. "So that word affects you even when you are not using it to stop a scene."
"It means the requirement has been met."
"It means you may stop."
Dana set down the fork. Brynn pushed the water closer. "All of it." Dana drank. When the glass was empty, Brynn stood and took the plate. Dana watched her move around the kitchen. The domestic simplicity seemed impossible beside the casualty report waiting in the secure office upstairs.
"Brynn."
She turned.
"I am sorry for what I said."
"Which part?"
"That you had refused the one thing I needed from this relationship. You are not responsible for making the presidency tolerable. You are not here to provide a service. I spoke as though your boundaries were a failure to perform."
"Yes."
The agreement stung. Dana accepted it. "I am sorry." Brynn studied her. "Thank you." Dana's eyes narrowed slightly. "That is all?"
"That is an apology. You gave it without explaining why I should not have been hurt."
"I am capable of apologizing."
"You are capable of many things you rarely choose to do."
Dana looked away. Brynn touched her shoulder.
"Come upstairs." They returned to the bedroom.
Brynn removed Dana's blouse and trousers slowly, not as part of a sexual scene but because Dana had no energy left to manage even simple movements.
She guided her into a sleep shirt, pulled back the covers, and waited until Dana lay down.
Then Brynn changed and returned wearing soft trousers and a long-sleeved shirt.
She lay beside Dana beneath the blanket. Dana turned toward her.
"May I touch you?"
"Yes."
Dana placed one hand against Brynn's waist, above the healing wound. Brynn covered it with her own.
"You did not make it disappear," Dana said.
"No."
"It still hurts."
"I know."
"But it is quieter."
Brynn moved closer. "That is what I can give you." Dana rested her forehead against Brynn's.
"Is it enough?"
Brynn kissed her once, gently. "For tonight.
" Dana closed her eyes. Outside, snow covered the retreat and softened every path leading back toward the office.
Inside, Brynn held her without demanding that grief become anything other than grief.
For the first time, Dana understood that surrender would not save her from the weight of command.
It would give her somewhere safe to feel it.