Chapter 8
EIGHT
amadeo
As expected, my phone buzzes with an announcement from my mom that dinner is at seven and everyone is coming. This should be awesome. I must make a noise, because Balt perks up, shifting in his spot and turning his gaze from the TV to me.
“Something wrong?” he asks.
“No. Just dinner, like I said. My brothers are coming and they’ll interrogate me.”
“Why?”
I grab the remote from the coffee table and mute the TV. “To hear Brogan tell it, they kind of blame me for the family business struggling and causing my folks a lot of stress.”
“That doesn’t seem fair.”
“It’s not.” I shrug. “I defied everyone’s expectations of me.
I guess growing up I gave the impression that I didn’t have a lot of ambition.
I didn’t have dreams like they did. Nantes knew he wanted to be a doctor when he was still a kid.
Guiliano decided to study law when he was still in high school.
Not me. The default was running the family business, and I didn’t do that. ”
“Not yet. You’re back now. That should be the focus. The past is already done.”
“True. Maybe it would help my confidence if I had a clue what I was getting into.”
“We can prioritize that. We can start tomorrow.”
We. I shouldn’t feel comforted by the words of a hot stranger with an amazing dick, but at this point, I’ll take it.
“That’s a good plan. I need to dig in and figure it out. The sooner the better.”
“You said before you aren’t sure what’s not working?”
“Right. The answer is different depending on who you ask. Brogan says it’s marketing, my dad says it’s lack of expansion. My uncle will say expansion is the opposite of what we should do right now since we’re bleeding money.”
“Without knowing more details, I’d say your uncle is probably the closest. If the business is losing money, that needs to stop first. How will you introduce my help?”
“I was thinking of telling them you do business consulting and offered to look at our stuff. I’m sure we could offer you some kind of fee.”
A soft smile tugs at his lips. “I’d say you already have.”
“But they think you’re my boyfriend, so staying with me wouldn’t be considered payment.”
“We can discuss, but I’d rather not take any money.”
I nod as my head fills with questions I don’t intend to ask. He said he wears suits all the time. Is he rich? Or just posh? I bet he looks mighty fine in a suit, either way.
“When your nonna suggested a walk in the garden, she was talking to you, right?” Balt asks.
“No idea. She may want us both to go, just me, or just you.”
“Wonderful,” he mumbles.
I chuckle. “I warned you.”
“You did.”
“What about your grandparents? Do you have any left?”
“My paternal grandmother is alive but very old. She lives in Italy with one of her other grandsons.”
“Did she ever live in the states?”
Balt shakes his head. “Not to my knowledge. I hardly know her. I haven’t seen her in more than twenty years.” He frowns as he stares ahead for a moment. “I feel guilty about that. After my dad died, I should’ve reached out.”
I rub his hand. “It’s not too late.”
He nods, meeting my gaze. “You’re right. Everyone else is gone.”
“It sucks when people die.”
“It does.”
“Do you believe in religion? Heaven and hell?”
A crease appears across his forehead. “I used to, but somewhere along the way I stopped. You?”
“Nah. I stopped a long time ago when I realized I was as gay as the day is long. My brothers were way ahead of me, but they had promised my mom not to share their views with me because I was young and impressionable. Funny how no one considers that when they take a kid to church.”
“Very true. Catholicism is almost cultural for Italians.”
“Agreed. Anyway, at fourteen I decided I wasn’t going anymore, and slowly I stopped believing altogether. Everyone was cool about it, and now only Nonna goes for social reasons.”
Balt smiles, rubbing my thigh. “I’m glad your family was kind to you.”
“Yours?”
“They didn’t really know, though they probably suspected something was different about me.
I never brought a girl home, never went to prom, never crushed on beautiful celebrities.
At least not to their knowledge.” He picks at a loose thread on his sweatpants.
“I think I knew before I even understood what it meant. I liked girls as friends. I enjoyed their energy and the games they played. The boys…” He pauses, chuckling softly.
“I felt weird around the boys. Uncomfortable. It took me a while—puberty—to understand it was attraction. Then I hated being around boys. I hated gym class. Hated listening to the way they talked about the girls and their bodies, but that was also how I knew for sure. I never looked at a classmate and wondered what she looked like naked or wanted to touch her skin or taste her lip gloss.”
His voice is melancholy as he tells me his story, so I reach out and rub his thigh. Balt looks down at my hand and smiles.
“But in college,” he continues, “I got over my hesitation and allowed my attraction to bloom.”
“What was his name? The first guy?”
“Patrick. He was so opposite to me. Outgoing, confident. He knew exactly what he wanted. He approached me after class one day and invited me over for a beer.” A smile tugs at Balt’s lips. “He was incredibly patient with me.”
“Did you do the deed?” I waggle my eyebrows. “All the way?”
Balt laughs softly. “We made out, got naked and rubbed our way to paradise. It was the most amazing day of my life up to that point.”
“That must have been so validating. Did you keep seeing him?”
“Here and there, but he released me from my shackles, so let’s just say I got around campus.”
I gasp in mock disgust. “You slut.”
Balt laughs. “Indeed.” He squeezes my knee. “Tell me your story.”
“Oh, I started messing around in high school. A little bit in middle school, but just, like, looking and light touching. This kid named Brandon was my first major experience. He was on the football team, popular, gorgeous. All the girls were crazy about him, and of course, we all thought he was straight.”
“How did you find out he wasn’t?”
“I was in town shopping for clothes and I bumped into him. I didn’t think he would even know my name, but he did, and he knew I was in his history class. He invited me over to play video games, and I was thrilled that a popular kid wanted to be my friend.”
“Go on.”
“We get there and I met his mom. We went down into the basement, and he showed me his game collection, but then he got all nervous and weird. I was about to ask what was up, but he just kissed me.”
“Brave.”
I laugh. “Very, but he figured it out just from watching me. At least he thought he did.”
“What happened next?”
“He gave me a blow job and then I returned the favor. Like you said, it was the best day ever at that point. We hooked up the whole school year, but then his dad got a job in Milwaukee and they moved.”
“Were you openly dating?”
“Oh no. I was definitely his dirty secret. He still had girls all over him and his friends didn’t know.”
“Did that hurt you?”
I shake my head. “No. I was so young I wasn’t expecting any kind of major relationship. I was happy to be able to explore and learn what felt good with such a hot guy.”
“I understand that.”
“There were times I wished I could’ve told someone.
I didn’t even tell Brogan. There was this girl, Emma, who really liked Brandon.
She talked my ear off all the time about him.
She had a pool party for her birthday, and afterward she couldn’t stop drooling over Brandon’s build and how he looked in swim trunks.
I remember secretly gloating because I knew what he looked like naked.
I knew how he fucked, and I knew she never would. ”
“So Brandon was good for your ego?”
“He was. I officially came out to my family when I was sixteen, but I think they already knew. Nantes and Guiliano paved the way.”
“Both your brothers are gay?”
“Nantes says he’s bi, and Guiliano just says queer, but he’s only ever dated men and nonbinary people.”
“And you use gay?”
I shrug. “I use queer a lot too. I like it. It feels like a nice broad word without boxing myself in. Even though I’ve never had a relationship with someone who wasn’t assigned male at birth, I’m open to all experiences, so queer feels better.”
Balt nods, seemingly considering my words. “I can understand that. I dated a guy briefly who was absolutely against claiming a specific label, but he called himself a dick fiend.”
I snort a laugh. “A dick fiend?”
“Yep. He didn’t care who it was attached to or what pronouns they used. He just liked dick.”
“That’s awesome. At least he knew himself well.”
“He did. He was too…” Balt exhales with a smile still on his face. “Too everything for me. Too young, too full of energy, too loud. But he was fun.”
“How much younger?”
“Twelve years. I’d just turned thirty-eight. He was twenty-six. He was also good for my ego.”
“Dude, I couldn’t even handle a twenty-six-year-old at my age now.”
“It matters less the older you both get, but yes, someone in their twenties is too young for me. It was never meant to be a relationship, but it lingered.”
“Did it end poorly?”
Balt nods. “Yes, unfortunately. He wanted a commitment I wasn’t willing to give. It was ugly at the end. Fortunately, he landed on his feet and found someone else within a year. Someone I know.”
“Ouch. A friend?”
“An acquaintance. They seem happy, so it’s fine.”
I study his face, searching for the truth in his words. “Have you been in love before?”
Balt shakes his head. “No.”
“So you’re just spitballing this whole thing with me?”
He chuckles. “I’ve been in relationships. I’m not completely ignorant when it comes to romance.”
“That’s good. Is that something you ever wanted?”
“Romance?”
“No, the other stuff. Love and all that shit that comes with it.”
He shrugs. “I’ve never thought about it one way or the other. If it happens, it does. If it doesn’t, then it doesn’t. Wanting things we can’t control is a fool’s game.”
“Hmm. I guess you have a point.”
“You’re seeking that?”
“Not necessarily. I’m still young, but I always figured it would happen eventually.”
Balt holds my gaze, his expression soft and open, and all I want to do is crawl into his lap and taste his lips again.
“You’re so hot,” I whisper.
“You’re stunning,” he whispers back.
Instead of holding back, I do what I want and climb onto his lap. He sits back, giving me room as I drape my arms around his neck.
“Want to make out for a while?”
He nods as his eyes heat. “I sure do.”