Chapter 23 Amadeo
TWENTY-THREE
amadeo
Balt is acting strange.
The last three days he’s been secretive, ducking away to make or take calls, and generally being distant, which is a total bummer.
I thought we were growing closer, but maybe this is for the best. It’s not like we’re building a real relationship here.
We both know there’s an expiration date on our union and growing attached would only make things worse.
I still haven’t decided what I’ll tell my family when it’s time for him to leave.
The box of goodies I ordered is sitting in the closet, waiting for me to take the lead, but I don’t know when a good time would be now Balt is clearly preoccupied with something.
Nonna is being a little strange too, constantly checking in with me and asking about my relationship.
At first I thought she was just showing interest in my life, but now it’s starting to feel like she knows something I don’t.
I can’t imagine Balt told her things he hasn’t told me though. That would be weird.
Balt steps out of the bathroom with damp skin and a towel wrapped around his waist. He uses another towel to dry his hair as he leans on the doorframe and fixes his gaze on me.
I brace myself, expecting him to drop some kind of bomb on me. Is he bored with me? Does he want to go back to the big city?
“I was thinking…”
I nod. “Okay.”
“The weather is supposed to be pretty nice this weekend. Maybe we can take a drive and you can show me some more of the state.”
My brow crinkles in confusion. “Oh. Um, yeah, we can do that.”
“Is something wrong?”
“You tell me. You’re the one being distant and weird.”
His expression goes blank for a moment before shifting to concern. “I have been, haven’t I?”
“Yes. I was half expecting you to tell me you’re bored and ready to leave.”
Balt shakes his head, approaching me. He sits on the edge of the bed, reaching out to rub my leg. “I’m sorry. Truly. I got some news a few days ago about my boss and I’ve been trying to handle it without burdening you with it all.”
I sense the truth in his demeanor. “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Are you sure it’s nothing I can help with?”
“I’m sure.” He rubs my foot, massaging gently. “I’m sorry I’ve been distant. I didn’t mean to shut you out.”
“It’s okay. It’s not like this is real.”
Balt frowns, lifting my foot and kissing the sole. “I wish you wouldn’t say it like that. I do care about you. In fact, that’s why I don’t want to burden you with my troubles.”
“And that’s exactly my point. If we were a real couple, you’d see it’s not a burden. We’d help each other through everything, just like you’re helping me with the business.”
“I see your point, but it’s not that simple.”
“It is, actually. You aren’t telling me because you don’t see me as a partner, and I totally get that. I’m not. We’re…” I shrug, searching for the right words. “A chapter in each other’s books, but we’re not the story.”
Balt looks slightly shocked as he pulls his head back. “Wow. I didn’t realize you could be so detached when you need to be.”
“That’s how I get through life without being a constant punching bag. You have your defenses too.”
He nods, releasing my foot. “For what it’s worth…” He pauses, shaking his head. “Nothing. Never mind.”
“You can’t say that and then leave me hanging. Not cool.”
He smiles. “At the risk of exposing my underbelly to you, I want you to know that I like being here and I don’t want to leave.”
That’s nice to hear, but the reality is different.
“That doesn’t mean you won’t. You’ll have to at some point, right?
” I scoot closer to him on the bed so I can brush my fingers across his cheek.
“It’s a fantasy that would be so easy to give into.
I’m doing everything I can not to get attached so it doesn’t hurt when you finally do leave. ”
“Does that mean you don’t want me to leave either?”
“Why would I want you to leave, Balt? We have a good thing going here. We get along, my family likes you, and the sex is fire. You must have a bad quality, but I haven’t seen it yet.”
“I do.”
“Everyone does.”
Balt takes both my hands in his and brings them to his lips, dotting quick kisses over my fingers. “You have to believe me when I say this is hard for me too. I didn’t expect to be so comfortable and compatible with you.”
“I believe you. Unfortunately, that doesn’t change anything.”
“It doesn’t, but we’re still here tonight.”
I nod, biting my bottom lip. “I know. It’s the Aquarius in me that makes me so guarded and standoffish when I’m afraid I’m going to get hurt.”
His gaze softens. “What can I do to make you feel safer?”
Not leave.
I shrug. “It’s up to me to handle my emotions, but thank you.” I run my hand through the smooth hair on his chest. “Why don’t we pretend, just for tonight, that this is forever? We can cuddle and kiss and maybe even get up to something dirty.”
“That’s a lovely idea. Let’s do that.”
Balt wraps his arms around me, and as I lay my head on his shoulder, I push back the emotions threatening to spill over. This is the best relationship I’ve ever had and it’s a hundred percent guaranteed to end. No happy ending here, just a bar set so high no other mortal will ever clear it.
It’s been two days since I talked to Balt about him being distant, and since then he’s definitely made an effort.
Great. He’s responsive to feedback too. Killer boyfriend material.
I can see him outside, looking down at his phone and pacing back and forth, his breath visible in the cold air around him.
“What’s he doing out there?” Brogan asks.
“God only knows.”
“Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise?”
“Nothing like that.” I turn my head to focus on Brogan. I want to talk about my feelings with someone other than Balt, but that would mean fessing up, and I don’t want to put the burden of keeping a secret on my cousin.
“What’s going on then? And don’t say nothing. It’s written all over your face.”
“I’d rather not talk about it.”
“Did he do something to you? Something bad?”
“No. He’s amazing. In fact, he’s the most incredible man I’ve ever dated.”
“Then why the long face?”
Maybe I can navigate this without telling the whole story. “Um, when we started dating, we agreed to keep it casual. We knew we had two different lives that couldn’t merge.”
Brogan nods, but they look concerned. “Okay.”
“And I was on board with that plan. I have a lot to focus on and I didn’t want to worry about maintaining a relationship on top of everything else.”
“Go on.”
“The problem is Balt is more than I bargained for. He’s… I hate to say it, because I’m probably jinxing it, but he’s like my dream man except for one major aspect.”
“Which is?”
“He has a life far away from here. He can’t drop everything to live this life with me.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. When he has to go home, I don’t know how I’m going to do better than him when I’m ready to date again.”
“You don’t think you’re getting ahead of yourself, Deo? A lot can change. Did you think a year ago you’d be back here running the family business?”
“Well, no, but—”
“Did you think you’d ever date a guy like Balt?”
“No.”
“But both those things have happened. Who’s to say life isn’t going to swing in your favor again? Maybe Balt’s eyes are opening to new possibilities too. If he was happy where he was, he wouldn’t have needed a sabbatical, am I right?”
“I guess, but that doesn’t mean he can just walk away from it. What’s he gonna do here?”
Brogan shrugs. “I don’t know. Be the CFO for an expanding winery?”
“We can’t pay him what he’s used to.”
“How do you know he wants what he’s used to?” Brogan grabs my wrist. “All I’m saying is stop limiting yourself. Stranger things have happened.”
“I think I’m setting myself up for a world of hurt if I hope for something else.”
“But that’s part of investing your heart in things. There’s always a chance you’ll be hurt, but there’s also a chance you’ll be loved. You deserve a guy like Balt, and from what I can tell, he deserves you too.”
Maybe I should just come clean. Then Brogan would truly understand what we’re up against. Before I can make that decision, Balt steps into the office, rubbing his hands to warm them.
“It’s a cold one today.”
“Did you get your calls taken care of?”
“I left a message for my client. We’ll see how it goes.
” He pulls his coat off and hangs it on the rack by the door.
“You have my undivided attention.” He bends down and kisses my cheek, making me laugh from how cold his nose is brushing against my face.
“I see some hot chocolate and cuddle time on the couch in our future.”
“Too cute,” Brogan says. “Maybe I’ll get as lucky as you guys are one day.”
Balt and I exchange knowing glances.
“You deserve a great person, Brog.” I pat my cousin’s back. “The best person.”
“And so do you, cuz.” Brogan winks at Balt, who chuckles in response.
“Alright, back to work. Let’s finish this pile and then take a lunch break. Deal?” I say.
“Deal,” Brogan says.
“Works for me.” Balt kisses my cheek again. “Brogan is right. You deserve the best person too.”
How do I tell him I think I’ve already got him? I wasn’t supposed to get my feelings involved, but my heart apparently didn’t get the message. I’m going to be a mess when this is all over, but I have to push that inevitable reality away and enjoy whatever time I have left with him.
That will have to be enough for now.