Chapter 25 Balthazar
TWENTY-FIVE
balthazar
The last three days have been a blend of paradise and pure hell.
I’ve spent the time setting up systems that will help Deo and his family going forward, all while planning the right time to leave.
I’ve got five days left before Vin’s deadline, and as I lie in bed next to an incredible man, I know in my heart that to keep him safe, I have to leave.
Thankfully, Deo is a heavy sleeper, so I can creep around the bedroom without him noticing.
Throwing my clothes into a gym bag makes this feel ten times worse.
There are so many things I still want to do with him—exploring the state, dressing him up, discovering more ways to please him, helping him get the winery up to speed—too many things I have to leave behind to keep him safe.
What I haven’t figured out yet is how I’m going to not get myself killed so I have a chance of seeing him again. That is, if he can forgive me once he knows what kind of man I really am.
It’s nearly three in the morning when I find myself sitting at the small kitchen table with a notebook and pen in my hand.
Pushing back any defenses, I spill my guts onto the page, telling Deo how amazing these weeks with him have been, thanking his family for their hospitality, and promising him that someday, if he wants to see me again, I’ll be there.
Then I write the hard part. Now he’ll know why I ran and why I’m leaving now.
As I end the letter, I’m tempted to confess the feelings that have been growing inside me, but it feels so wrong to tell him on paper and not in person.
Instead, I finish the note by telling him how amazing I think he is, and that in another life, one where I was worthy of him, nothing could have dragged me away from him.
My eyes actually sting as I set the pen down and exhale slowly. Getting to my feet, I glance around the quiet little cottage, already missing what could have been, before grabbing my coat and bag. He’s better off without me. His whole family is.
Trudging through the snow, I get to the end of the property then open the rideshare app to order a car. The urge to run back to Deo is strong, but I have to stop being selfish. On my way back, I’ll figure out how to prove to Vin I didn’t betray him and hope somehow he believes me and lets me live.