Chapter 1 Sasha
ONE
SASHA
“Hello? Earth to Sasha.”
I snapped out of my daze when Lenny waved her hand in front of my face. I shook my head and blinked. “Sorry. What were you saying?”
She rolled her big, brown eyes. “I said you should just ignore them. They saw you sitting here, so every move they make is only to piss you off at this point. Don’t let it, and eventually, they’ll give it a rest,” she said, shrugging and training her eyes back on the book in front of her.
I knew she was right, but it was easier said than done.
I mean, it wasn’t like I was head over heels in love with Steven or anything.
We’d only dated for six months. Sure, I was angry when I caught him cheating, but I would’ve moved on and forgotten all about him.
It’s who he was cheating with that I couldn’t let go of: my best friend since my freshman year of high school, Nikki Jacobs.
There were times throughout our friendship when I felt like she was a little jealous of me, but I never expected her to go behind my back and steal my boyfriend.
That’s precisely what she did, though. I went to her to vent about the fight Steven and I had about intimacy—or the lack thereof.
She told me all the things a best friend should say.
Things like, he doesn’t deserve you, if he’s pressuring you for sex, he isn’t worth it, and you shouldn’t give it up just because he wants to.
You get to choose when it’s right for you.
But then what did she do? She ran to him at the first chance she got.
She knew he wasn’t getting any and that he’d take anything she offered.
Still, I wish he had the balls to break up with me instead of letting me walk into his dorm room to find Nikki riding him with her large, perfect boobs out, bouncing in front of his face.
Nikki laughed; the shrill sound pulled me from the trance I’d fallen back into.
I snapped free in time to see Steven pull her into his lap as he sat in the corner booth of the coffee shop.
He smiled at her and then pressed a kiss to her jaw.
Then he had the audacity to turn and make eye contact with me.
I rolled my eyes and flipped my book closed. “I can’t study. I’m going to get out of here.”
Lenny looked at her watch. “Yeah, I need to start heading toward class anyway.”
We both stuffed our books into our bags and stood to exit the coffee shop. I tossed my paper cup into the trash as I passed it and pushed open the glass swinging door before stepping out onto the sidewalk. The cool New York air washed over me. It helped cool the burn of anger raging inside me.
Lenny came to a stop beside me on the sidewalk as she pulled on her hat. “Well, I guess I'd better get going. Call me later if you want to try studying again. I’ll make some flash cards so we can quiz each other.”
I pursed my lips and nodded as I waved slightly.
She turned to walk one way, and I continued in another direction.
I crossed my arms over my chest as I strode down the sidewalk toward my dorm.
I liked being in college, working toward my degree in computer science, but I hated living in the dorms. Unfortunately, I couldn’t afford my own apartment, so the dorms were my only option.
I was naturally introverted. I needed my alone time to recharge, and living in a loud, crowded dorm was no way to do that.
Luckily, my roommate was an introvert too, so even when she was there, she was quiet enough that I still felt alone most of the time.
My phone rang, and I pulled it out of my back pocket to find my mom’s face on the screen. I smiled as I pressed the Accept button and moved the phone to my ear.
“Hey, Mom. What’s up?”
“Hi, hun. Nothing much. I was just about to head back into work, so I figured I’d call you and see how things are going since we haven’t been able to talk yet this week.”
“Oh, well, I’m fine. Busy as always. Anything new with you?”
“No, not with me, per se.”
I could tell that something was bothering her just from the tone of her voice. We’d always been close, more like a couple of friends than mother and daughter.
“What does that mean?” I asked, my brows knitting together in curiosity.
“You’ll never guess what I found out,” she said, lowering her voice.
“Who are you with?”
“What?” she asked, back to her normal speaking volume.
I laughed. “Who are you with right now?”
“Nobody. I’m sitting in my car outside the office. Why?”
I grinned. “I was just wondering why you felt like you needed to whisper.”
“Oh, for crying out loud,” she said, annoyed by my razzing her. “Do you wanna know what I found out or not?”
“Yes, of course I do.” I looked both ways before crossing the street.
“Roman has fired the newest nanny, and he’s looking to hire another. Can you believe that? He can’t keep a nanny around for more than a week. He’s spent the last four years marching from woman to woman to care for Sophia, but he won’t let us anywhere near her. Please, tell me how that makes sense.”
Hearing the update on my niece caused a heaviness to fill my body. I had to use all of my strength to keep moving forward.
“Oh,” fell from my lips as I tucked my hair behind my ear.
“I just… I’m beside myself. I don’t know what to do. He stopped taking my calls long ago. I think he blocked my number. Why would he do that, Sasha?”
“I… I don’t know, Mom. Maybe it’s easier for him to keep the past off his mind. I’m sure seeing anyone in our family makes him relive that day all over again. I mean, you remember how distraught he was.” Just talking about the day we lost my sister made the memory seep into my mind.
I was sitting beside my mom in the waiting room of the hospital. My dad was on the other side of her, and Roman, my sister’s husband, was pacing back and forth. The three of us couldn’t do anything but watch him.
He kept his hands on the back of his head, his fingers locked together, and his elbows in the air.
I tried not to notice how that move lifted his shirt, revealing a sliver of his tanned, toned stomach as he walked from one end of the small waiting room to the other.
Once he’d done that a couple of times, he’d stop, let his arms fall, and sigh.
He’d look at the clock on the wall and then turn his glare onto the nurse who was sitting behind the desk in the nurses' station.
His arms rose again, and I was prepared for the same old routine, but instead of moving his hands behind his head, he held them out at his sides in frustration.
“What’s taking so long?” he asked, loudly with his deep, booming voice, getting the nurse's attention.
She was an older lady who had spent a considerable amount of time behind that desk. I could tell that she was numb to it all. When she looked up at him, he let his arms fall back to his sides, his hands smacking against his thighs loudly.
“I told you, Mr. Ford. As soon as I have an update, I’ll pass it along. Your wife is in good hands. You don’t want them to rush surgery. No matter how hard it is, we have to be patient,” the nurse told him, trying to keep her voice calm and collected no matter how annoying he was being.
Roman scoffed, threw his hands in the air, and started pacing once again.
He was grumbling, mostly under his breath, but I managed to catch a word or two.
“Stupid fucking…. If I could perform the surgery myself…” He stopped and put his hands on his hips.
His head fell forward, and his eyes closed.
“Please be okay, baby,” he whispered. I saw a tear escape his closed eye and roll down his cheek.
My dad stood and moved over to him. Roman opened his eyes, and his head popped up when my dad placed his hand on his shoulder.
“Why don’t we take a walk? Get some fresh air?”
Roman, who had always been respectful and polite to my father, pulled away, so my dad’s hand fell back to his side.
“No. I can’t go anywhere. Not until I know my wife and child are OK.” The two stared at one another, seemingly exchanging some understanding.
My dad nodded and turned to walk away. “I’m going to take a walk. Join me?” He looked down at my mom.
Mom nodded with pursed lips. “I could use a bathroom break and maybe some coffee.” She stood and turned to look back at me. “You want to come?”
I shook my head. “No, I’ll stay here.” I lowered my voice. “We shouldn’t leave him alone.” I nodded toward Roman, and we all looked over at him to find that his pacing had started back up.
“He’s worried, Sash,” Mom whispered. “But he’s safe here.”
“I know, but he needs someone. Who knows, he may go on a rampage and try to strangle that nurse. Someone has to stop him,” I joked weakly, trying to keep everyone from getting too serious in our stressful situation.
“If he goes after that nurse, you’d better stay out of his way. I can’t handle having two hurt daughters,” Mom said thickly, tears shining in her eyes.
She patted my knee twice and then stood.
I watched as she and my dad walked out of the lobby, leaving me alone with my much older brother-in-law.
He paced, maintaining the same stature as before, his arms raised, fingers locked behind his head, his shirt pulled up slightly. My eyes found that sliver between the bottom of his shirt and the top of his jeans.
Roman Ford was a legend. Everyone knew he was. I was far younger than he, but even the teachers at my school still spoke of him. Perfect grades. Top of his class. A football hero. Handsome. Everyone loved him.
And he’d chosen my sister. The love they had for one another was something people only dreamed of. He was good to my family and me. Roman was an all-around stand-up guy.
He stopped pacing and turned to face me. He didn’t drop his arms.
My mind was in all sorts of terrifying places. Getting the call that Chloe was in an accident sent us all into a panic. Now, here we were, with no information past that she was in surgery. And the baby…
God, Chloe wanted to be a mom so badly.
I sent out a little prayer that the baby was OK, too. Anything less would devastate her.
Roman’s arms fell to his sides, and he cleared his throat, pulling me from my rogue thoughts. When I looked up at him, he was staring at me, his brows drawn together and his lips turned into a deep frown. Everything on his face screamed his worry and fear.
“Are you OK?” I called out softly to him.
“No,” his voice shook. I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he stared back at me. “I’m terrified, Sasha.”
“Me too,” I whispered. Chloe was my best friend. She was the best big sister a girl could have. “But Chloe is strong. You know she is.”
He gave me a tight nod, the fear not leaving his face.
Mom and Dad came walking back in with the doctor hot on their heels.
“Mr. Ford?” the doctor asked, a grim expression on his face.
Roman rushed up to him, but he stopped short when he took in the look in his eyes. He paused for just a moment, letting it sink in, then he started shaking his head.
“No. No, no, no, no, no.” Without even being told, he knew somehow. Falling to his knees, he held his head in his hands and cried.
My heart jumped into my throat.
No….
“I’m very sorry, but we’ve done all we can do. We couldn’t save her—” His words cut off with my mom’s shriek.
Her knees gave way, and she began to fall. Luckily, my dad was there to catch her. He pulled her to his side and lowered them both into the chairs that were lining the walls. “Shh, I’m here, baby,” he said, burying his nose in her hair as she clung to him, crying.
“The baby?” Mom choked out, tipping her head back to look at the doctor, her cheeks wet with a fresh wave of tears.
“She’s in the NICU, receiving oxygen since her lungs are still underdeveloped. Things are still in the air. She could pull through, but she could also go in the opposite direction. I can show you to her if you’d like.”
“Yes. P-Please.” Mom’s body quaked.
I was in shock. There was no way. This wasn’t happening…
Roman looked up at the doctor with his red face, bloodshot eyes, and tears rolling down his cheeks. “Where’s my wife?”
“She’s gone, Roman,” my dad said, his voice shaking.
“The baby is still fighting. Don’t you want to see her in case—” Mom called out, weeping softly. I knew she was trying to focus on the silver lining, but this… God. No.
“No!” Roman yelled, springing up to his feet. “I want to see my fucking wife.” He glared at the doctor. “Where is she? I-I need my wife.”
The doctor ran his tongue over his lips and nodded. “I’ll take you to her.”
A car honked loudly and snapped me out of the memory. I jolted back in time to avoid being hit.
“Oh God. What was that?”
I wasn’t about to tell my mom that the only child she had left was nearly run over by a speeding car.
“Just a couple of stupid kids,” I said into the phone, trying to stay as calm as I could, even with my heart nearly pounding out of my chest.
“Are you doing OK? You sound… off.”
“I’m fine, Mom.” I checked both ways and finally crossed the street.
“How are things with the breakup?”
I took a deep breath. “I’m trying not to dwell on it, but I swear they’re everywhere I look, and they’re always together. It’s like they’re just trying to make me jealous.”
“You know… I’d love to have you a little closer to home. You could transfer schools, get away from them, and move closer to me. Two birds, one stone.”
I snorted. “The dorms are all taken. I wouldn’t have any place to live, and I’d still need to find a job. I’m sure every place within walking distance of campus would be full.”
“A little birdie told me about this single dad who’s looking for a live-in nanny.”
I chuckled.
“No way he’d hire me,” I said, walking into my building.
“It’s worth a shot. Plus, if you’re the nanny, I’d get to see my grandchild again.”
I sighed. “Mom, I know things went south after Chloe. But Roman made his choice. He doesn’t want any part of our family anymore. He was broken when Chloe died.” I paused, my throat tight. “We all were.”
“I know,” Mom whispered. “I-I just wish…Please, all I’m asking is that you consider the job. Even if Roman has pulled away, maybe he’d still take you on. He adored you, Sasha. Just like Chloe. If he has any compassion left in his heart, he’d want you to be part of Sophia’s life. Please…”
“OK,” I whispered, swallowing hard. I did want to get away from all this shit in my life. Plus, I knew Chloe would want my family in Sophia’s life. After her death, Roman cut off everyone, including his friends. Grief was a fickle bitch that didn’t seem to stop destroying lives.
It destroyed a hell of a lot of lives that day, from Chloe to Roman to my family and me.
Maybe this could be the little bit of that silver lining we all needed.
At this point in my life, I was willing to try. Not just for my parents and me, but for Chloe. I knew she’d want us in her daughter’s life.
It was worth a shot.