Chapter 17 Sasha
SEVENTEEN
SASHA
Iwasn’t a big drinker. I had no idea that a buzz could hit you even after you quit drinking.
I realized this the moment I stood from the cab.
I was able to get into the cab just fine.
By the time I got home, my vision was doubling, and I found it hard to walk straight.
I’m not exactly sure how I made it inside; all I knew was that I did, and I found myself face-to-face with a very pissed off Roman.
By that point, the look of anger no longer phased me.
I was pretty sure that was just his face: permanent RDF, AKA resting dick face.
“Where have you been?” he asked, crossing his arms over his bare chest.
The way his muscles flexed under his skin stunned me for a moment.
My mouth may have fallen open in utter shock.
I had no idea that Roman was so toned, tanned…
downright mouth-watering. My eyes slowly moved down his broad shoulders and flexing biceps, down his solid eight pack, and over the waistband of his gray sweatpants.
When my eyes landed on the bulge there, I swore I saw movement, and that’s why my eyes leaped back to his face in time to see what looked like a smile fall away.
“What do you mean? You know where I’ve been,” I told him, pushing myself forward. As I was trying to step around him, he grabbed my arm and pulled me back.
“Do I need to remind you of the contract you signed? That was for every bit of my protection as it is for yours. You have a curfew, and I expect you to obey it. I can’t have you trying to call in sick tomorrow morning because you stayed out too late at night, getting hammered.”
I jerked my arm out of his grip at the same time he let go. It sent me stumbling backward. I gasped and closed my eyes, bracing myself for the fall, but he was quick, and he managed to wrap his arms around me and pull me to his hot chest.
He was all around me—rock-hard muscles covered in hot skin as soft as cashmere.
I sucked in a breath, smelling him in a way I never had.
I’d never really been close enough to smell the scent of his cologne, shampoo, or body wash.
It was a mixture of leather and bourbon, a hint of smoke, and something thick and woodsy.
My stomach tightened as butterflies filled the space.
“Are you alright?” His deep voice made me open my eyes, and I saw his handsome face only a few inches from mine, his dark brows furrowed in anger and his jaw set.
“I’m fine,” I told him as he put me on my feet, but I felt dizzy from my double vision and the quickness of everything that happened.
My ankles felt weak, making me look like I’d never walked in heels before.
I could feel his eyes on my back as I attempted to walk to my room.
After only a minute of stumbling, I heard him sigh from behind me.
As I was turning to look at him, he walked up behind me and scooped me up in his arms.
“You better not get sick on me or I’ll drop your ass on the floor.”
“Then put me down,” I argued, slurring my words slightly.
“Why? To watch you look like a baby deer walking for the first time? No thanks. It’ll take you all night to get to your room.”
As much as I wanted to hate the way he was manhandling me, I couldn’t. I found myself enjoying every second of being held against him: his heat, his smell, the way his muscles flexed as he carried me. It made me feel more alive than I’d ever felt.
Inside my room, he sat me on the edge of the bed, and ripped himself away before I could even let go, causing the fingernails on my left hand to leave scratch marks on my right wrist from holding on around his neck.
“What the fuck were you even out there doing tonight?” he asked, starting to pace before me. “You’re a nanny to my daughter. She’s very impressionable right now. You need to be more responsible.” He stopped pacing and came to a stop directly in front of me.
“You mean like you?” I asked, pulling my foot up to undo my shoe. “I’m coming home drunk, so I must be on the right track,” I muttered, fiddling with the tiny buckle on my shoe, unable to get my fingers to work properly.
He huffed and puffed before dropping to his knees.
“Let me do it.” His big hand grabbed my ankle, his fingers wrapping all the way around as he pulled my foot over to him. He placed my foot on his knee as he worked on the small buckle.
“Who were you with tonight?” He didn’t meet my eyes.
“My friends, not that it’s any of your business.”
“And were these friends… guys?”
I felt my brows tug together. “Of course. I can be friends with guys, you know?”
He got the buckle undone and slid my shoe off, letting it fall to the floor with a thump. “Did you fuck any of them?”
My mouth fell open as we stared into one another’s eyes. Part of me was waiting to see if he’d correct his question, but he didn’t.
“No. Women can be friends with men without fucking them,” I whispered thickly.
He grabbed my other ankle and positioned it on his knee.
“No, they can’t. Men and women aren’t supposed to be friends. If they are, it’s because one person isn’t attracted to the other. You got all dressed up and put on these ridiculous heels for something. He’s interested, I saw it not long ago. So, are you not attracted to him then?”
I took a deep breath to give myself the strength I needed to answer. I wasn’t sure how our conversation had taken such a drastic turn.
I shrugged. “He’s alright, I guess. In my case… I think it’s probably because I haven’t ever done that with anyone before.”
He managed to unfasten my shoe, and it thumped to the floor. His eyes were wide with surprise.
“Are you fucking with me?”
“No, I’m not fucking with you,” I said, pulling my foot away from his knee.
“I haven’t ever had sex with anyone,” I said more clearly.
“Chloe told me the night of my first date that doing that was special and that I should hold onto it until I found the right person to give it to. So… That’s what I’ve been doing.
” I pulled my legs beneath me as my mouth continued to spill way more details than I would’ve liked.
“I thought I found the right guy, but then I walked in and found him in bed with my best friend.” Tears stung my eyes.
“I was heartbroken. I thought he was it, you know?” The tears were rolling down my cheeks now.
God, what the hell? I didn’t want to talk about Steve or any of those feelings. I’d been keeping them tucked away amid the pieces of my broken heart, but I couldn’t stop the words as they continued to tumble off my lips.
“I-I was going to do it with him, but I-I waited too long. I thought it was love. Or at least that I was in love.” I sniffled, hating myself for saying the words.
I didn’t notice him walk away, but he handed over a tissue, so I knew he must have. After I took the tissue, he took a throw blanket off the lounge chair in the corner and lightly covered my legs with it.
“Maybe I should just give it up to Lance. I mean, he seems to want me, and I’m sick of being a virgin.
It’s done nothing but cause problems. That’s why Steve slept with Nikki—because I wouldn’t.
If I had been sleeping with him, he wouldn’t have fallen for her so easily.
” I cried and wiped at my eyes with the tissue.
He sighed and took a seat on the edge of the bed beside me. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. Turning his head to view me from over his shoulder, he said, “Don’t do that. Don’t throw it away just because you haven’t found the right person.”
“I thought Steve was the right person,” I admitted amid another sniffle.
“The right person would’ve waited for you to be ready. The right person never would have been tempted by another. Steve wasn’t the right person. And neither is this Lance guy.”
“How do you know?”
“Trust me. I’m a guy. I know.”
I scoffed and rolled my eyes, tired of answers like that.
He must have heard the rush of air that left my mouth because he turned back to look at me again.
“I know because I’ve already been where you are.
I was young once. I know what it’s like being in college and falling for the pretty girl.
He liked you before he even talked to you because you’re beautiful.
That’s why he talked to you. And every word he’s said since has all been a part of his attempt to get you into bed.
What I don’t know is if he’s the kind of guy that just wants to fuck and run or if he’s the type that wants to start a relationship, but either way, he wants some. ”
“How am I supposed to figure that out?” I wiped at my eyes again.
“You get to know him, build trust. If you trust one another before hooking up, it’s less likely he’ll take off. But it isn’t something you can rush into.”
“What if I want to rush?” My words were soft.
“Then you take your chances of giving it up to someone who won’t cherish it.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Why does this have to be so difficult? Why is my virginity such a big deal? I want rid of it already.” I tilted my head as I looked at him. “Would you think less of me for giving it up?”
I noticed the way his eyes narrowed on me. “The real question is: would you think less of yourself?”
He was right.
As much as I wanted to skip over this part of my life, there was no fast-forward button. What I was struggling with was the same thing that every girl has struggled with at one point in their life. There wasn’t an easy button for them, and I knew there wasn’t one for me either.
I knew the way my mind worked, and I knew I focused entirely way too much on all of my past mistakes.
Giving it up to the wrong guy would live on in my head forever.
More importantly, I knew what Chloe would think of me.
She’d hate to see me give it up to some random guy I just met.
She’d tell me to listen to her, because she was my big sister and she’d point out how she’d never led me wrong before.
I could even picture the smile she’d give me when I finally told her she was right and that I would listen to her advice.
Picturing that smile made my chest ache in a way that would never fade. It was an ache that had been there for years. It never vanished. I was only able to forget about it for short moments in time, when I was already busy with something else, but it always crept back in.
I felt so bad for Roman. I knew that feeling must have been ten times stronger for him. He found his other half. He thought they’d have forever. They were working on building their lives together and thought they’d get that happily ever after. And then she was ripped away.
In the grand scheme of things, I understood how Roman could be as awful as he was.
I looked at his face. It wasn’t any different from any other day, yet somehow it was.
I could see the loss in his eyes. I could see the way the stress had worn on him, deepening the lines at the corners of his eyes and those that stretched across his forehead.
He had fine lines around his downturned mouth—lines so thin that I never even noticed them before.
His dark eyes looked heavy and tired, full of pain and anger.
Suddenly, I was left wondering how I could look at him nearly every day and not notice.
“I miss her,” I told him.
His mouth twitched. “I miss her too.”
He stared at me for a moment, both of us just reading the other. He moved his hands from his lap and put them on the bed like he was going to push himself up. Just as he began to rise, I acted.
I grabbed his wrist and stopped him. “Don’t go.”
He turned to look at me from over his shoulder. I saw a million questions written on his face, yet he kept them locked tight inside himself.
“I don’t want to be left alone anymore.” Those words made tears flood my eyes. “Don’t leave me. Please, stay.” Heat rushed through me, making my body burn in an unfamiliar way. “Just until I fall asleep. I need someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be OK.”
I noticed the way his face changed over the next few seconds. At first, he was surprised; then he looked almost offended; then it resolved. I saw it as he finally gave in and turned to take his place on the bed beside me.
He lay down, and I lifted his arm, wrapping it around me as I curled up to his side, resting my head on his chest.
“Thank you,” I whispered, drinking in his heat and scent.
Our talk reminded me of the good old days when he made me feel safe and protected, like when he taught me how to swim. Even when I didn’t trust myself, I trusted him. And I was getting that all over again.
I knew that warm, fuzzy feeling would be replaced by guilt in the morning.
If I had still been a kid asking my sister’s husband to cuddle me to sleep, she wouldn’t have minded.
But I was sure she wouldn’t have liked seeing it with me, a college student.
I was too old for all that. Something innocent had suddenly been turned into something dirty by something as simple as age.
I told myself it was innocent, but I knew deep down that there wasn’t anything innocent about wrapping myself around Roman.
I got a taste of him when he carried me to bed, and it wasn’t enough.
I didn’t want a fast shot that would wear off quickly.
I wanted the whole bottle. As long as I was with him, I was safe and protected.
I rested my hand on his stomach, just above the waistband of his sweatpants. I closed my eyes and breathed him in deeply. His warmth rushed through my system, and before I knew it, I was drunk on more than just alcohol. He swam through my veins faster than any drink ever could.
It terrified me.