Chapter 24
CHAPTER 24
RAFAEL
I circle that box of letters for at least two weeks after we get back from packing Elena’s house. Omari has asked me a time or two if I wanted to read one, but I’m not ready yet. I know it might make me sound weak, but I’m afraid of what I’ll find. Probably more of the same words she spewed when last I saw her. I’m not prepared for it.
Besides, I have no time to think about it now. I have a party to attend.
“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you!” everyone around us sings as Omari places a vegan smash cake in front of Little Raf with a large number one on it. “Happy birthday, Little Raf, happy birthday to you!” We all clap and Omari lights the candle.
Standing beside him, Omari and I blow out the candle, much to the happiness of Little Raf. He immediately digs his hands into the cake, stuffing his full fists into his mouth. Everyone assembled laughs and flashes go off as Hazel takes pictures of him enjoying his birthday cake.
We had to search for a vegan bakery that would make the cake special for Little Raf, as we tried on our own to make a cake without eggs and failed miserably.
It’s hard to believe I’ve had Little Raf for almost six months. It’s even harder to believe I didn’t want anything to do with him when he was handed to me in that hospital waiting room. Now, I can’t imagine my life without him. He’s made my life worth living, made every day worth waking up.
He and Omari came into my life like a whirlwind, shaking up my existence in ways I never thought possible. I would fucking lose it if I lost either of them.
“Alright Uncles,” Hazel says, lowering her camera. “Get in a photo with Little Raf. Let’s get a picture of the family.”
Omari and I bend to pose beside a messy faced Little Raf and Hazel snaps pictures. “Smile, Big Raf,” she threatens, making us laugh.
After Little Raf has had his fill of cake, we clean him up and allow him to waddle around the house, touching and grabbing to his heart’s content. It’s not long before one of the brothers—Pete—scoops him up, walking around the house with him.
We open gifts and take pictures, eat finger foods, and mingle for the next few hours. Little Raf is in heaven, getting all kinds of attention. His feet barely touch the floor the entire day.
Pete comes to stand beside me as I watch Omari and Little Raf. Little Raf is sitting on Omari’s lap as Omari flips through a book the twins picked out for his birthday. Pete crosses his arms over his chest with a sad smile on his face. “Guess lovin’ out loud paid off for you.” He looks over at me. “I’m happy for you, Prez. If anyone deserves happiness, it’s you after what you’ve been through. Omari is a good man. We all like him.”
“Thanks, hermano. You’ll find that love too. ”
He shrugs. “I doubt it. My great love died six months ago. I think we only get one in our lives.” Pete pats my shoulder, leaving me to ponder his words.
If we only get one great love in our lives, mine is Omari. He’s everything I didn’t know I wanted. I thought I’d live my entire life alone, my brothers and hangarounds my only company. I didn’t want anyone else as company. I didn’t want anyone else around.
But life has a way of throwing curveballs that we don’t anticipate. I never thought I’d have a kid or have to hire a sexy as fuck nanny that would breeze in and make my life easier and fuller than it’s ever been. And a baby that would break down all my defenses, leaving me open for more love than I could handle.
Fuck, my life is so fucking good.
Three hours later, everyone is leaving and Little Raf is out like a light for the rest of the evening.
Omari and I decide to clean up now instead of waiting until the morning when Little Raf is walking around and making more mess.
By the time we’re done, we’re both exhausted, our day full of playing and entertaining.
After our shower, I try to get to sleep, but I remain restless. No matter what I try, rest is hard to come by.
Omari is laying on my chest, his fingers tracing up and down the scar on my side. “What are you thinking about?”
I smile in the dark. “How did you know something was on my mind?”
He slides his hand up to my chest and pats it. “Your heart rate sped up.” He sits up and I barely make out his face in the dark. “What is it?”
I sigh and squeeze his waist. “It’s nothing. Go to sleep.”
“Tell me please,” he whispers .
Sitting up, I reach over and click on the light. Omari turns to face me, sitting cross-legged. “I keep thinking I should read Elena’s letters. But what if they’re blaming me for her life? Blaming me for not coming for her. I need to know what they say, but I don’t think I can handle that.” I chuckle uncomfortably, running a thumb over my eyebrow. “That makes me weak.”
Omari grips my hands. “No, it doesn’t. It makes you honest. There’s nothing weak about wanting to protect your feelings. But if you want to read one, I’ll be right here with you. We can read it together.”
Pulling in a deep breath, I let it out slowly as I nod. “Okay, yeah. Thank you, baby.” I kiss him slowly, opening him up for me just so I can get a taste of normal for just a moment more. I have a feeling that what I read will change me forever.
When I release his lips, I throw my legs over the side of the bed and pull the box from under it. I don’t make a move to retake my earlier position, so Omari saddles up behind me, resting his chin on my shoulder so he’ll be able to see what I’m reading from that position.
I rummage through the box, picking a letter at random and pulling it out. The envelope is a faded yellow, soft to the touch, so it must be one of the older letters.
Blowing out a shuddering breath, I slide my finger under the lip and open it. I pull out the flowered stationery, an involuntary smile crossing my lips.
With a sense of trepidation, I unfold the letter and begin to read.
Dear Rafael ,
It’s been five years since I last saw you and I regret how I treated you with each day that passes. Since I was ten and my father took me away from Cuba, he told me you were just like your father. That you would beat women, abuse them, and make their lives hell. And you know what? I believed him. I soaked up all the hate and vitriol my father spewed and I began to hate you.
I hated that your father killed my mother. I hated that your father was the reason I had to leave the only home I’d ever known, and I hated that you were my brother. For years, I practiced what I would say when I finally saw you, though I never thought you’d come for me. My father said you never cared about me or Mama, that’s why you let her die.
I stop reading for a moment, a lump forming in my throat. It kills me that she felt this way, especially when I worked so hard to get my life together and find her, so she could stay with me. So we could be a family again. The edges of my soul unravel, the words from Elena’s letter hitting harder than I imagined.
“Keep reading, baby,” Omari whispers and his words give me strength.
Nodding, I clear my throat and continue.
But it turns out, adults don’t know everything. It took me years after I moved out of my father’s house to realize he was bitter about what happened with his and Mama’s divorce and instead of helping me reconnect with you, my family, he worked as hard as he could to smear your name. I didn’t properly grieve Mama’s loss because I was too busy hating you. My father took that away from me and I despise him for it.
He died last week. And with his death came a clarity I never thought I’d have. You came for me. You showed up for me, Raffy. And I did nothing but make you feel as shitty as my father made me feel when it came to you and everyone in Cuba. I miss my family. I miss my home. I miss Mama. I miss you.
I’m truly sorry for what I said to you. I’ll live the rest of my life with regret that I pushed you away.
You saved me, Rafael. You killed your own papa to protect me and Mama. It’s not your fault you were too late to save Mama. You were only fifteen. You were a child and you took on the task of a grown man. You did more than my own father did. You will always be my hero, Raffy.
I hope one day I’ll be brave enough to tell you all this. In a perfect world, I would find you and tell you what a huge mistake I made, but I can’t. I don’t think I can handle rejection from you.
My big brother, my hero. Please know that I love you more than you will ever know. I hope when I get the courage to come to you, to tell you how sorry I am and how much you mean to me, I won’t be met with the same reception I gave you.
That’s what gives me pause. I’m a hypocrite, I know, but I can’t handle your hate. I don’t think I’ll survive. So, until I get the courage to come to you, I’ll pretend our last meeting was in Cuba, where you saved me from a madman and told me you loved me.
I love you too, Raffy. Always remember that.
Love,
Elena
Tears stream down my face as I finish the letter. With gentle hands, I hold it to my chest and finally let the dam burst.
A sob leaves my throat and I let it all out. I cry for my mama, I cry for Elena, I cry for my missing childhood, and I cry for what was stolen from me and my baby sister. Because of hateful adults, we were wrenched from each other and we didn’t get a chance to reconnect or say goodbye.
Elena spent the last twenty years thinking I hated her. Even when she sent me away, I never stopped loving her. Like her, I imagined our last meeting was when I sent her away in Cuba, getting us help, hearing her tell me she loved me.
If she had shown up one day, I would have jumped at the chance to be back in her life. I always had a soft spot for Elena. All I wanted was to take care of her and make sure she was happy and healthy.
But life is cruel and we never got that opportunity. The bright spot in this whole thing is I have a little piece of Elena with me. He will always be taken care of, never wanting for anything as long as I have breath in my body.
I’m not sure how long I cry, but Omari holds me through it all, whispering that he’s there for me and he’ll help me through it. I know he will. Omari is a rock, always giving me what I need, whether I know it or not.
When I’m all cried out, I fold the letter and put it back in its envelope. I wipe my face and turn to Omari, pulling him in for a kiss. “She didn’t hate me,” I whisper against his lips. “She didn’t think I failed her.”
He smiles, kissing me again. “No baby, she didn’t. I’m sorry you didn’t get to see her and talk to her one last time. At least now, you can read over and over how much she adored you. You’ll know that you were her hero.”
More tears stream down my face as I nod. “I loved her so much.”
“I know. And she loved you. She honored you by naming Little Raf after you. That’s the highest form of love I can think of.”
“Yeah,” I agree. Sighing, I lie down and bring Omari with me. “Can we read more tomorrow? ”
“Anything you want, baby.”
“And you’ll be there?”
He leans up and kisses me soundly. “Always. I’ll never leave you, Raf.”
“I love you, Omari Williams.”
“I love you too, Rafael Orozco. So much.”
Smiling, I close my eyes and sink into sleep, my heart fuller than ever.