CHAPTER 40
SHADOW
I check myself in my bathroom mirror, making sure my hair and makeup look good. Am I vain wanting to look good on my way to the gallows?
Melodramatic, maybe, but again my life will be decided without me. Margot prepared me well for this moment.
I pull my cut from the hanger, wondering if this will be the last time I wear it. Since Tuesday, I’ve been waiting. I’ll find out my fate soon. I don’t plan on going down quietly, but that doesn’t mean I’ll win. If Wiz wants my patch, she’ll take it.
Tonight, I’ll present my case to the tribunal—the officers of the Steel Graces. I usually work on Friday nights, but I took the time off. Not that I can afford to lose wages, but I need this over.
Storm and Dimples are here, waiting for me in my living room. Wiz would be pissed. I could do this alone. I don’t want to. Of course, they can’t go with me to the clubhouse. Still, having them here for support means the world to me.
While I adore Dimples, I invited her more for Storm than me. I can’t be worried about Storm while I’m in the meeting, and I know Dimples will keep her in check.
After I put on my vest, I rest my hand on my chest, over the patch with my road name, and close my eyes.
The club helped me get through some rough spots.
At times, they’ve been the only friends I’ve had.
Hell, the only family I’ve had since my mom died.
They picked me up off the floor when Margot had me so down I couldn’t stand on my own.
Shit. I hate this. My chest aches. I don’t wanna lose my sisters, but I don’t wanna lose Storm, either.
My heart’s heavy when I step into my living room. Storm is still pacing and looks like she might vomit.
“Are you ready?” Dimples asks.
I walk to her and take her hand. “Not really, but I haveta be.” I hold out my other hand to Storm. “Come here.”
Storm hurries over and takes my hand.
“You two have been amazing.” I squeeze both their hands. “I appreciate this more than you’ll ever know.”
“But I put you in this position in the first place.”
I give Dimples an exasperated look.
Dimples whacks Storm in the back of her head. “Knock it off. This is about Shadow, not you.”
Storm looks down at the floor. “Sorry. I just wish I could do more.”
“You can’t. This is for me to do. I’m not going down without a fight because I don’t wanna lose my patch—my sisters.
Besides, I still don’t believe I’ve broken any rules.
” I glance at the clock. “We need to leave soon. It’d be in poor taste to show up to my tribunal late.
” I let out a humorless laugh, imagining Wiz’s reaction.
“You sure you don’t want to ride on the back of my bike?” Storm says.
I shake my head. “No, I need to ride in on my own terms.”
Storm nods.
“Do what feels right, Shadow.” Dimples elbows Storm. “Right?”
“Yeah. Of course.” Storm smiles, but it’s forced. “As much as I want the opportunity to give us a chance, it’s your decision. It must be what’s best for you.”
“Your answer is one of many reasons I want to see where our relationship can go.”
“What’s another?” Storm asks.
I grab her butt. “Your tight little ass.”
Dimples laughs. “She already struts around like she’s God’s gift. Don’t encourage her.”
I wrap my arms around Storm’s neck. “But she’s so fucking adorable.” I kiss her on the cheek.
Dimples groans. “Stop.”
Storm turns and pulls me in for a hug. I can feel her fear—her need. I want to take the worry from her, but I can’t. I don’t know what I’ll do when I stand in front of the officers. Will I fold and beg for forgiveness? Or fight for how I feel about Storm?
I’m uncertain, and that’s what scares me. Wrapped in Storm’s arms, I can’t imagine being anywhere else, but is it practical? Is it possible to fall in love in a month? Do I even know what love is?
Storm and Dimples ride with me from my apartment to Saratoga, but I ride the last stretch to the club on my own. I’m extra aware of my surroundings, taking everything in, in case this is my last time.
Why am I being so pessimistic? Wiz is reasonable, but she also hates the Thorns, and I’ve never seen her so angry. Still part of me clings to hope. I must. After everything Margot’s done to me—taken from me—hope’s the only thing that gets me out of bed every morning.
While the club kept me from drowning when I hit rock bottom, Storm has lifted me higher. Brought something to my life that I’d not thought possible. I’ve always been a shadow at the club, keeping my head down—hiding—but Storm makes me want to step from the shadows.
With Storm, I’m not a shadow. I have a voice. She listens and wants to hear what I have to say. How is it the president of the Iron Thorns has opened places in me I thought were dead?
I chuckle to myself. There’s another part of my body that’s been dead for too long.
What if Storm never gets the opportunity to open it?
The thought is like a punch to the gut. For the last several years, I’ve had no interest in sex.
Since riding with the Graces, I’ve had plenty of women express their interest, but none sparked my desire.
I assumed Margot had ruined all of that for me.
So why Storm? Why now? Happenstance? Appearing at the time I was ready? Perhaps anyone could have opened me because I’d healed and was ready.
Right? I know it’s not true. It’s Storm. I knew it the first time I met her. Fate is cruel. Of the two hundred bikers attending the poker run, I had to fall for a Thorn.
I pull into the Steel Graces’ driveway and ride slowly to the back. This place used to be my lighthouse in choppy waters. Tonight, it feels cold and unforgiving.
Just like Wiz. Controlled and tidy. But life is messy, no matter how much you try to control it. Did the control once feel safe, or was it just familiar?
It’s Friday night, so the lot is pretty full. With many Graces having family commitments on Saturdays, Friday is the busiest day. Just my luck.
I pull my bike into an empty spot and cut the engine. I chuckle. Wiz should be happy that I rode my bike.
When I dismount, I can’t help thinking it’s even busier than usual. Of course it is. Who doesn’t want to watch a train wreck? While only officers attend the tribunal, protocol dictates that the members be informed of the meeting. The curiosity seekers are out in droves tonight.
I put my helmet on my bike and do my best casual stroll across the parking lot, knowing they’ll be watching me on the monitors from inside.
As soon as I enter, a strong hand grabs me from behind and pulls me toward the utility closet.
What the hell? Are they jumping me? The Graces aren’t some rogue club. They don’t physically discipline their members.
I struggle to loosen the grasp of whoever has a grip on me. I swing my elbow back and connect with something solid.
“Umph. Christ, Shadow.” I recognize Edge’s voice. “Don’t do that again.”
I stop squirming, and she releases me.
“What the hell did you do that for?” I ask.
“I couldn’t meet you in the parking lot.” She points toward a camera pointing down the hall into the club. “Too many eyes. This is a blind spot.”
I narrow my eyes. “Are you supposed to be talking to me?”
“No, that’s why we haveta talk quick.”
“Why the hell didn’t you just call me?” I’ve always trusted Edge, but this seems weird.
“Strict orders not to.”
I grin. “But you weren’t ordered not to accost me when I walked in?”
“Exactly.”
“So you’re not disobeying a direct order.”
“Right again.” Her smile fades. “What the hell are you doing? You could lose your patch. Wiz is fucking pissed.”
“I know.”
“How will you defend yourself?”
I shrug.
Edge’s eyes widen. “You don’t have a plan?”
I shake my head.
“Damn it, Shadow. You know I’ve always had a special place in my heart for you.”
I smile. “I do know. And I appreciate it. You’ve always been the person here I’ve felt closest to.”
“If you lose your patch, you’re persona non grata. Gone.”
“I understand.”
“Do you?” Edge raises her voice. “That means no contact with anyone from the club. It’s like you never existed.”
“I know.”
I’m taken off guard when Edge wraps me in a hug.
She says into my ear, “We can’t stay here any longer. They’re gonna get suspicious of where you went. But I had to tell you, do what Wiz asks of you. Don’t fight her.” Edge squeezes me tighter. “I don’t want you to go anywhere.”
Tears well in my eyes. As tough as I’ve tried to act, this is hard. I just want to get it over with.
When Edge lets go of me, her eyes are misty, as well. She puts her hand against my cheek and looks into my eyes before she turns and hurries off.
Shaken, I take a few moments to collect myself before I walk down the hallway to the clubhouse.
A hush falls over the room when I enter. I want to slink off, but I’m done hiding in the shadows, so I raise my hand and wave. Several give me an awkward wave back.
“Don’t let me interfere with the party,” I say in a loud voice.
I have to stop myself from giggling at the surprised looks on some of their faces. Glancing around the bar, I don’t see Wiz. I’d expected her to snatch me as soon as I entered, but of course, she’d want to put me in an awkward position with the other patches.
I can’t just stand here gaping, so I stride to the bar. I choose the end where there are empty seats instead of imposing myself on anyone.
“Prospect,” I say to the prospect acting as bartender. “Give me a beer.”
She gawks like I’ve asked her to hand over all the money.
Annoyed, I stab my finger against my name patch. “As long as I still wear this, you’ll serve me.”
“Yes, ma’am. My apologies.” She rushes to the cooler, pulls out my favorite beer, takes off the cap, and sets it in front of me.
“Thank you.” I lift the beer to my mouth and take a big drink, letting the cool liquid calm me.
Nobody approaches me, which suits me fine. When Wiz walks in, I know they don’t want to be seen near me, and I understand. I’m the pariah. Until they know my fate, they don’t want any of my stench on them.