Chapter 22
“ C ome on, man,” Levy said. “Just help with the cutting.”
And Kallen eyed the knives and then yanked his gaze away. “No,” he told Levy, and rolled the chair around to leave the room.
At least the counter was too high for him to reach on his own, so the knives were well and truly out of reach.
IT WAS ALMOST WORSE because that night Levy had crawled into bed with him and curled up close, like Kallen hadn’t been a dick. And was it messed up that it only made him angrier to be indulged?
When he’d reached for Levy’s cock, he’d only been meaning to apologise. It was the least he could do, it felt like. His friend had gone tense and then he’d taken Kallen’s hand and tangled their fingers together, drawing them both between their chests. If he’d been able to move, Kallen would have been out of the bed in a flash. Instead, he laid there in the semi-darkness, heart battering in his chest and face burning up.
Omegas weren’t expected to initiate sex, so he didn’t have much experience with it, but with Levy it’d always felt safe. It’d always been safe. Every time Kallen had gone for it, Levy had responded eagerly and passionately, his desire delightfully unabashed. Its absence was more than Kallen could stand, and yet, he was still trapped there in Levy’s arms, where moments before he’d felt like he at least wasn’t alone with all the crap life was throwing at him.
But of course he was. The alpha was too good a person to abandon someone in such a pitiful situation.
He thought about asking Levy to let go of him and then having to ask him to help him onto the wheelchair so he could get to the guest room. But if anything was worse than Kallen knowing the truth, it was the notion of both of them acknowledging it. Of having to openly admit that he wasn’t good enough for Levy to even fuck anymore.
That he wasn’t wanted.
So instead, he stayed right where he was, listening to his friend’s breathing even out and counting backwards in his head until at some point sleep came to take him as well.
And in the morning, he pretended to be asleep when Levy leaned over and kissed his fucking hair like he was a little kid.
At least Brad didn’t have any objections when Kallen asked him to move his things over to the guest bedroom. And if he raised his eyebrows about it...
Well, Kallen’s eyes were too low to look him in the face anyway.
HE TOLD LEVY ABOUT it that night, like a mature human he was. Most of his attention on his steak and trying to be casual.
“You moved your things?”
“Yeah,” Kallen said. “Just more comfortable like this.”
Or less painful anyway, and Levy would probably sleep better on his own. All Kallen had to do was make sure he didn’t drink anything before bed and he could make it through the night on his own.
“Oh. Okay, if... You know I like having you there, right?” Levy asked. He didn’t sound happy, but it’d been a while since Kallen had seen any evidence of his usual cheery self. Not that he blamed him, what with Kallen’s complete tragedy of a life spilling all over his chill.
Maybe he should have asked to be taken downstairs to the Johnsons’, but for now he was being selfish enough to keep the privacy of a home that was empty all day long.
Besides, it wasn’t like Johnson had stopped by, or anyone else in the team. Merle had, with cupcakes naturally, but he’d asked Brad to say he was asleep.
Kallen hadn’t imagined his teammates were his friends, but it was different to have proof that they didn’t even care that he was like this... Like he didn’t exist for them outside the ice at all.
“I’m grateful for all your help,” he told Levy, eyes still on his food.
Levy sighed noisily across from him. “Are you ready for Cat’s visit?”
It’d taken her five days to make the time for it at all, which was not exactly promising. But Levy had worked so hard for even that much, and it was the least Kallen could do to put on a good face and give it his best. “Yeah, I’m ready. I can talk about it.”
“I don’t like not being there,” Levy said. An objection he’d voiced often since Cat had given him two different time slots where he was meant to be at away games.
“I’ll be fine, go and play,” Kallen was forced to tell him once again. It was yet another point against Cat’s visit because Levy was the one who’d asked for the meet and she knew his timetable. But maybe it was just that she had more free time when the team was away...
“YOU SEE HOW THAT WOULD make him react quite aggressively, right, Kallen?”
He hadn’t convinced himself by the time the meeting came around and Brad left for a walk to give them some privacy. But he must have held out a smidgen of hope because all he could do was gape at her.
“What?”
She waved around the living room of Levy’s flat. “Everyone in the team knows you are living with Pollack. Is it so surprising another alpha would get jealous? Especially your captain?”
He could only stare at her.
“Kallen? Are you alright?” She was close enough to touch him now, though her hand was hovering between them.
He raised his eyes to hers. “You aren’t going to help me, are you?” It wasn’t actually a question, he’d known.
She’d already made it clear whose side she was on when Vandy had lost it. And apparently it didn’t matter how badly an alpha in the team behaved, or whether it was outside heat, she’d find a way to twist it into something acceptable.
She was their public imagine representative, after all, he thought with some bitterness. Her widening eyes were on point. “Of course I want to help you! But to solve a conflict, we must be able to look at all sides, Kallen. I understand you are hurting right now...”
The words kept coming, but she wasn’t saying anything new. He’d somehow caused what had happened to him, just like he’d caused his legs to stop working and all he had to do to be happy was to stop causing trouble . The implication was that if he did, his alphas would treat him well, since that’s all any alpha wanted for his omega after all.
But Kallen wasn’t their omega, was he? Most of them had partners to whom they owed their loyalty. Kallen wasn’t the soul of the team, he was just a guy they all fucked together.
Brad didn’t think to knock when he came back in, and Kallen discovered that Cat had actually left only when the nurse said his name.
Kallen blinked up at him and Brad’s face fell. “Well, at least you aren’t on any meds.”
“Huh?”
“So you can get blind drunk if you want?”
“IS THIS YOUR JOB?” Kallen slurred. Brad had made them some chicken sandwiches, then started pouring. To Kallen’s surprise, he’d downed a shot himself, but he’d stopped early and now Kallen was the only one who couldn’t see straight.
Brad snorted. “Getting you sloshed?”
After that, things got fuzzier, they’d got fried chicken and chips, and Brad had made a hilarious face at it that started Kallen laughing his head off. He’d been eating healthily for so long he didn’t even like the shitty greasy food, but it was the principle of the thing. He could eat it because his body wasn’t his temple, or if it was, it was desecrated well beyond any damage a serving of trans fats could do. It wasn’t as bad as wanting to roll the chair into the glass side of the living room and see if he could break it, or thinking about whether he could grab a knife from the kitchen drawer and get anywhere private enough.
But it helped, to hurt himself with food that made him burp and feel too full. It was just so stupid, how his body wanted him to live when he had lost every reason to.
And Kallen didn’t have the energy to be furious, but he was still alive enough to be bitter.
Brad had become insistent at some point on him drinking water, and Kallen had become equally insistent on not doing it. But somehow, he’d made it to bed.
He knew because he was there.
“Not happening,” Brad told him, when Kallen refused to sit up the next morning. He was achy and sweaty and pretty gross, but so what? Now that he was in the guest room, he could be sweaty and smelly all he liked. He didn’t give a fuck anyway.
Brad didn’t say anything else, and Kallen didn’t react on time when the other omega reached for him and tickled him. He tried to push him away, but he was pinned in place while Brad could evade, so he ended up gasping for air by the time he managed to grab the other man by the wrists. He glared, squinting as his head informed him he had not, in fact, drank enough water. “What the fuck?”
Brad shrugged, mouth twisting sideways to illustrate his indifference. “Needs must.”
“You—” He swallowed the insult. “You’re the one who told me to drink last night.”
“Yes,” Brad agreed. “But that was last night. You wallowed to your heart’s content, and you have slept till almost noon.” Kallen’s eyes flew to the numberless clock on the wall, which proved Brad wasn’t messing with him. “And now you gotta get up and have a shower.”
“Why?”
“Because you stink?” Brad suggested cheerfully, his nose wrinkling a bit.
Kallen started rolling his eyes and then stopped when it tugged at something inside his head that did not want to be disturbed. “So leave.”
“Yeah, no.” He tugged harder his time, but for all his strength, Kallen still had most of his muscle and if he didn’t help move his upper half, there was no way the other man would be able to get him anywhere.
Brad huffed, obviously realising it too. “What gives, man? You know you’ll feel better for it.”
“What if I don’t want to feel better?” Kallen spat, and fuck, clenching his teeth hurt too. But he was just so fucking furious, and he couldn’t even go punch a bag. The gym downstairs had one, but it would be at the wrong height, and he’d probably overturn the chair if he tried it.
The nurse let go and straightened, maybe sensing how close to violence Kallen was right then.
But instead of backing down like a sensible person, Brad pushed. “What? So, you are just giving up? Like, if you can’t have hockey, you’d rather curl up and die?”
Kallen stared at him. No one else in his life would have dared to ask him that; not his teammates, or even his family. They all knew.
“What if you got your legs back?” Brad added. “Like, imagine you get them back, but you have to quit playing, would you do it?”
Yes . The answer just popped into his head, unbidden and most definitely uncalled for, and Kallen froze in place as it went through him like a lance. “No!” he said, too late and too little and not true. “I mean, obviously I can’t play like this, so if I could get one of the two back, then yeah. I mean, who would say no to that?”
“Huh,” Brad said. “No one. Sure. So, you can live without it.”
Kallen glared, feeling tricked. “I don’t want to ,” he spat. “And isn’t hockey paying you? Why are you so against it?”
Brad snorted, leaning back to give Kallen a look that was not at all professional. “Kal, my man, I’m not against hockey. Just not crazy obsessed like everyone around you. And also, I’m team Kal here, you know, so pointing out you got choices.”
“It’s Kallen,” Kallen reminded him.
“Sure,” Brad agreed, just like he did every single time Kallen reminded him.
Kallen huffed, irritated because now that he was fully awake, he did feel kind of gross. “Okay, help me up,” he demanded.
And Brad very wisely didn’t say a thing as he did.