Chapter 26
T hey’d had fajitas for dinner after all, cooking together like they could go back in time. Even though there had never been a time when things had been truly okay, they’d just pretended to carve a few hours of peace and joy for themselves.
Kallen wasn’t sorry to have had them, but now he couldn’t quite buy into the playacting. He still liked Levy, but now that the spell had broken, there was a heaviness between them that he couldn’t ignore any more.
It’d always been there, really. The awareness of what Levy would do to him during heat at first, and later the knowledge of the state Levy had seen him in. He’d come to trust Levy to take care of him, but he’d never trusted himself because he’d known he’d put himself into a position of tremendous vulnerability with people who did nothing to honour that trust.
All the same, it was nice to sit together and hear Levy tell him about Cleopatra, who he claimed hadn’t been one of those rare ancient women who were alphas but an omega in full use of her lure abilities.
“It took the Romans a while to stop sending her alphas for her to conquer,” Levy said with a satisfied smile.
“Do you think she was especially powerful?” Kallen asked. “Like, some alphas are... They are stronger, right?”
Levy’s eyes were lost somewhere around the ceiling, as he thoughtfully chewing on a bit of lettuce. He looked like a renaissance painting, all dark golden curls and high cheekbones—if high-born men had been the type to play with their food while having their portrait painted. “Not sure, like, I guess so?” He looked at Kallen. “But it’s hard to tell because most alphas are so terrified of being weak that they overcompensate.”
That didn’t make sense to him, especially not after feeling it from the inside. “But it’s will . Like, it’s the same thing that means some people get up early in the morning to train and some people go back to sleep, right?”
“Okay...” Levy was nodding. “Let’s go with that. So, then it’s not powerful like brute force, but more like focus, right?”
“I think it’s both,” Kallen said. “Because you have a certain amount of... energy, I guess. And then you can apply it all at once, or use it for lots of little tasks?”
Levy was already nodding by the time he looked at him, grinning with open excitement. “And if you use it all in the same place you can yank someone close or push them away!”
“Yank?” Kallen shifted in his chair, getting one of his legs bent under himself and smiling a little at the sheer luxury of it. “Is that how it felt to you when I...?”
“Oh, no! I just meant... in an extreme case. You could . When you did it...” He dropped his gaze, but his lips were curving upward, softening his whole face. “When you did, it was like you were shining, as if all the light went to you. And I just... I just wanted to touch the light. You, really, because it was like it came from inside you.”
Fuck. Kallen stared at him for a long moment before he remembered to close his mouth and swallow. “Did you actually see the light?”
Levy paused, then shook his head, eyes flickering to meet his own. “No, it was a feeling.”
“So, I made you feel that?”
“No, you made me focus on how I felt, and... well, once I focused on it and you were looking at me like that, I guess there was nothing to stop me, you know? I mean, I’d been stopping myself because I didn’t want—” His teeth clicked as he closed his mouth on the words.
“What?” Kallen demanded.
“I didn’t want to make you feel like an omega,” Levy admitted in a rush, mostly speaking at his plate. “No, like a team omega ,” he corrected. “Like I thought I had a right or...” He shrugged. “I didn’t stop when you were in heat, and I knew it was a bullshit excuse, so I stopped when we became friends. It was the least I could do.”
Kallen didn’t speak. It made sense, he couldn’t argue with that. “You do make me feel like an omega,” he explained, and saw his friend stiffen. “But in a good way. You make me feel safe.”
“Kallen...” Levy was biting his bottom lip, face twisted like he was hurting.
And it did hurt Kallen too, to tell him these things now when they couldn’t do anything about it. But in a way it was also a relief. “It’s fine, I know that— I know . But I’m grateful for it, you know? I just— I want you to know that you did good, even if you fucked up. You made up for it.”
Levy shook his head. “That’s... That is too much. I don’t think I can make up for it. But I’m glad I helped a bit, that I made you feel safe.”
Kallen knew he could have kept pushing and insisting, but at the same time, he was all too aware of how disappointed he was with his own behaviour. Anyone would have pointed out that he’d been stuck in a fucked-up system doing the best he could, and rationally he knew that was true. But it didn’t feel that way, and he didn’t know if it ever would.
“You did,” he confirmed instead of trying to tell Levy to feel better about himself than he could manage right then.
“There’s something.” Levy squirmed on his seat, tilting his face away. “You know how I have been reading your contract?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I think it might be best if you keep the wheelchair.” He paused, studying Kallen’s face. “Like go home with it, you know?”
Kallen had completely forgotten about it. When he’d got to the kitchen to help with dinner, it’d been gone. Levy must have put it somewhere else while he was in the toilet. “Because...”
“Because as long as you can play, you aren’t supposed to leave the city. Like, they can fire you for it, obviously, but they could dock your pay or...” He trailed off, but he was so obviously afraid Kallen couldn’t let it go.
“Tell me.”
“The contract says that if you are unable to play, they can ask you to...” His lips pressed together and he shook his head. “I don’t know anything, I’m not— You know I don’t know anything, but I’m worried. But if you’re on the chair and they don’t really know what’s wrong with you, then they can’t actually...”
Kallen hadn't read the contract, but of course there would be something in it to allow the White Cats to screw him over. That had been the whole point of his association with them, hadn't it? But he couldn’t change that he’d made a mistake. All he could do was trust in his own ability to fight them.
“I don’t think they’d care that much about me having a mental breakdown. And they could claim not being physically able to play is enough to ask me to get pregnant,” he said, shocking himself at how easily the words came. For so long, he hadn’t even wanted to see babies, avoiding any reminders like the plague. “But it’s a job contract, I can terminate it like anyone else. That’s the point; if I go, they don’t have anything on me. They can’t control me anymore.”
Levy’s gaze was lost somewhere behind him, lips parted temptingly. And it wasn’t the time, but Kallen was still hoping for a goodbye kiss, at least.
“You are right,” the alpha said finally, raising his eyes to meet his. “I just... It doesn’t feel like a job, right?” He was frowning. “Like they tell you it’s a family, and there are all the kittens all over talking about how it is a family because for them it is.”
“Yeah, only families can be fucked up,” Kallen pointed out. “Look at Benny, for one. I mean—” He cut himself off realising Levy wouldn’t know and Benny probably wouldn’t want him to. “Just take my word for it, the kittens don’t have it easy either.”
He didn’t either, what with his dad, but he didn’t want to talk about that today. He’d done more than enough, enough for his legs to start working.
“Yeah,” Levy said, soft and defeated. “They can be.”
THEY DECIDED TO WATCH two films back to back and ordered some artisanal ice-cream they had been meaning to try.
There was so much left Kallen had meant to do, but time had almost ran out. His mum was flying in early the next morning. They hadn’t booked tickets back home, Kallen had to pack, for one thing and... And he didn’t want to let go. His dream had become a toxic nightmare, with the people who’d claimed they’d adopt him as family casually abusing him. On his last game, he’d been so sick with worry throughout, he couldn’t even remember what he’d done. Not beyond the dreaded confirmation of missing another pass or another puck going wide, anyway.
“Try the chocolate.” Levy was offering him a spoonful, so he leaned over and opened his mouth for it. He wasn’t normally a fan of chocolate ice-cream, but this one was dark and deep.
“Huh.” He said, licking his lips. “That’s...” And then he caught sight of Levy’s eyes, heavy and stuck to his mouth. “Levy?”
They’d already been down this road once today, and he didn’t think he could be so mature if they crashed into an obstacle once again.
“Um.” Levy straightened a little. “You like it?”
He wanted to kiss Levy again, and more. To be close this one last time, because weren’t they owed that? All this time, they’d only been allowed a few kisses, a little bit of warmth, and Kallen was freezing. Just to be able to play, he’d somehow buried himself in the ice, and then Levy had woken him up like a prince in a fairytale.
It was supposed to be the moment to get another kiss and live happily ever after. That’s what the omega manual said, find an alpha who loves you and everything else will sort itself out.
And as much as he’d always known it was a lie, that he wasn’t weak and he wasn’t unable to play, and that even if he could find an alpha who’d be able to love him after what he’d done. After the way he’d sold himself... That alpha wouldn’t solve all his problems.
Even so, a part of him had hoped it was true. That it would be that easy, that someone else could come in and make him feel worthy.
He was already more than halfway in love with Levy, just like he’d been with Robert. It was inevitable he would be. They had both wanted him, and they had both been kind. It’d felt like enough, to have someone close who so clearly wanted to be there.
But it wasn’t, not really.
If he stayed, it would only ever be another lie. They weren’t going to live happily ever after; Kallen didn’t even know what would happen with his life and Levy’s life involved the job he was leaving behind. He couldn’t ignore that half the reason his heart was racing wasn’t excitement, it was terror.
There was no reason for him to be scared of Levy. But he was scared anyway. And looking at him shyly from under his eyelashes, he thought Levy was too.
It wasn’t the good kind of fear, either, the anticipation before a big game. It was watching his team be outplayed and knowing there was nothing he could do to change the results.
Except right here, there was. He could do something. It was difficult and he didn’t want to do it, but he could choose not to break his own heart when it was still tender, barely beating with hope after so long in the cold.
“Pass me the container?” he asked, and it hurt to close the door the alpha had tentatively held open once again. But training hurt, even when done right, there was a certain level of stress that was required to fortify your muscles.
Right then, he needed that same willpower that had made him wake up earlier than everyone else and do the work he needed to do to get to where he wanted to be.
Levy took perhaps a couple seconds longer than he should have, but he removed the lid and held it at an angle so Kallen could spoon out some more ice-cream.
“Should we switch to something else?” Kallen asked when he was done, pointing his chin at the screen.
“Sure,” Levy agreed, and Kallen grabbed the remote and didn’t look at him.
He made no promises he’d have to break, and he asked for none in return that couldn’t be freely given.