Chapter 37
“ S o I did my homework,” Taylor told him the next time they met up.
“What?” Kallen didn’t remember giving him any.
Taylor shook his head. “Bad joke. I used lure on my partner,” he explained, smiling. “With her consent,” he clarified, possibly because Kallen was looking at him like he’d just taken out a grenade.
“Oh. Okay.”
He had said he thought it was a matter of practice, he supposed.
“It went well,” Taylor said gently. “Just like when we did it; I felt very confident, she felt super peaced out and very happy to do what I asked her.”
Kallen swallowed.
“Which was to get me a snack,” Taylor added in a tone that made clear he knew Kallen’s mind had been in the gutter. He laughed at whatever went through Kallen’s face. “Ah, to be twenty again.”
“Nineteen,” he grumbled, but without real feeling.
Taylor’s smirk said he was only making his point for him, but then his face smoothed out, still pleased but more intense somehow. “So you think you are ready for more students?”
“Who?” he asked, already tensing up.
“Well, let’s say I give you a list of five people I know could use the help, and you choose.”
Kallen shifted on the low beaten up sofa, rubbing at his knees. It was absurd, two days earlier he’d started planning his future as a lure trainer, or whatever it was called. But it wasn’t the same as the prospect of real people. They wouldn’t all be like Taylor, effortlessly ignoring his lack of social graces. “What about the others? I mean, if they really need help...”
Taylor tsked at him. “They got us.” Kallen looked up at the unexpected sharpness in his tone. “I know you want to help, but you gotta pace yourself or you will burn out. Been there, done that, zero stars on the accommodation,” he added with a bitter twist to his smile.
His mother’s words about painting came back to him then. Was it an omega thing? He wondered. To give more than you had so others wouldn’t go without?
“So nothing on a real expert?” he asked, with little hope. He’d never felt like this on the ice, he thought, there he’d needed his teammates, of course, but for most of his career, he’d been the one who’d shown up and made things okay. Or not, but he’d always had a good chance if he applied himself.
His fears were confirmed with a rueful headshake. “I’m not giving up, but right now, if you don’t feel ready, I’ll wait until I feel a bit more confident myself and see if I can teach someone else.”
“Oh.” Kallen swallowed. “You can do that?”
The older omega shrugged. “I can handle trying, at least. I’m... Listen, Kallen, I’m in a good place. I have been in a good place for years now. And I know you are just figuring it out what that place might look like for you, and if you need time for that, or you just don’t want to teach anyone else, you’d have still helped a lot. I wouldn’t ask, it’s only that back then when everything fell apart... Having someone else to wake up for, something else to do that wasn’t football but meant something to me made all the difference.”
Kallen licked his lips, squirming a little. Of course Taylor got it. Hell, his dad had got it. And they were right, the moment he’d begun thinking about teaching lure, he’d felt... Hopeful. Not full yet, nothing like the electricity under your skin when you came off the ice after a hard-won victory, but a spark. Something to be alive for.
Hockey had never been easy, not even before the White Cats. It’d required not just discipline but facing men bigger than him, risking getting hurt or benched if he didn’t perform.
He’d done it anyway, just for the spark.
Talking to other omegas at least was very unlikely to result in any broken bones, he supposed. “What are they called? The experts?”
“Um, different things...” Taylor glanced around, as if looking for something. “Omega psychic specialists, I think?” He offered a twisted smile. “The branding wasn’t all that impressive. Guess there aren’t that many of them so they don’t have to worry about that.”
“Do you know... Like, could you tell me their names?”
Taylor blinked. “Sure. I’ll text them to you.”
“Okay.” He braced himself. “Then choose two people, and they can come to the next lesson. But you gotta be there, make sure I don’t fuck up.”
“You got yourself a deal,” the older omega said and actually reached out to offer a handshake.
It seemed a little silly, all the more when he considered they both came from a world of contracts that felt so unbreakable they’d allowed them to break them . But it didn’t feel silly to hold onto Taylor’s warm hand and see the pride in his eyes and know they were for him, that he’d committed to something, however small, and it was a good thing.
The art shop was further out than he’d thought, but walking in was the easiest thing he’d done in a while. There was no fear or reluctance here. No need to push himself out of his comfort zone. He’d been reminded once again that he had a right to be happy, and he wanted to share that with someone he loved.
He took the time to interrogate the employee about canvases and brushes and got assured he could return anything that was not right. The bill was higher than he’d expected, but he signed the receipt with a smile.
She was worth it.
HE TOLD ANALISA ABOUT it the next day, since she already knew most of it anyway.
“You want to come too?”
“Of course I do!” she sounded indignant. “You are my friend, if anything, I should get preferential treatment here.” She was putting it on, but she seemed to get he was truly surprised because she added, “Kallen, I really want to learn. But like, we can do it on our own, if you want?”
“No!” he said quickly, earning himself a raised eyebrow. “It’s just... Well, I’d rather Taylor was there. I really don’t know what I’m doing, and it’s like, well, there are all those issues of consent and stuff. So...”
She nudged him out of the way of a couple coming in the opposite direction, then paused for Mini to sniff at a bush. “That’s fine. And like, if you really need to keep it to less people at first. I can wait. It’s not like I’m in any trouble.”
He stole a glance at her. “Um, can I ask you something personal?”
“Suuure,” she agreed, dark eyes dancing with amusement. “That’s kind of how friendship works.”
He ignored that. “It’s... Okay, so I’ll tell you what happened to me, and maybe I’m wrong anyway so—”
“It’s cool, seriously.” Analisa took hold of his elbow, squeezing reassuringly. “Just tell me, you got me all atwitter or whatever it’s called.”
“Well, I took the pill. Last month.”
“Okay.”
He couldn’t make himself turn to look at her. “It was only once, because I thought... Because my last heat was so bad. I thought I’d just give myself a break from it.”
She kept walking by his side, not a peep out of her, so he had no reason to delay. “And this month, it was... Heat was really off, like I... I wasn’t quite there. It was awful. I’m— I’m just hoping it will go away because I really don’t want to have to talk to a doctor about it.”
It’d been one thing to go in and ask for a prescription, but surely if he reported side-effects, they’d want to examine him. Doctor Kakar was nice and all, but Kallen still didn’t want the guy touching him anywhere intimate.
“I’m sorry,” she told him, leaning closer until her shoulder bumped his own arm. Even in the platforms she favoured, she was so small.
“Yeah, it was...” He swallowed. “But that’s not...” He huffed, irritated with himself. “I haven’t heard you talk about heats, so I assumed you were taking the pill, and I... I realise it’s none of my business, but—” He stopped himself because there was no possible ‘but’ there that justified anything. Except that he cared. They hadn’t been friends for years, but they were now, and even if she’d only been an acquaintance still, he’d have cared that she wasn’t being hurt.
“Oh.” She straightened, turning his way, her brown eyes and long reddish eyelashes a picture of surprise. “Huh. Didn’t expect that.”
They’d stopped, he noticed when Mini started whining.
He shrugged one shoulder. “You said I could ask?”
“Sure,” she said. “Gimme a minute.” She bent over to collect one of Mini’s offerings, not even pulling one of her dramatic grimaces as she did it, tying the baggie with a distracted air.
By the time she started walking again, he was nearly calm again. Analisa wasn’t the kind to suffer in silence, if she was pissed, she’d have said something at an extreme volume by now.
It was still awkward as fuck, and maybe it’d all been for nothing, but—
“So you’re, what, worried about me taking it?” Her even tone was startlingly off-putting, given how used he was to her being loud and joking about everything.
“Um, yeah.”
She nodded, then laughed a little. It was not a happy sound. “This is... I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you, okay? But it’s just... You spent years—” She bit off the words. “No, I’m not gonna go there. I just... You know I don’t think the way omegas in sport are treated is great, and you don’t either. I know we agree on that. So I haven’t asked you anything about it because it felt like rubbing your face on it, you know? And that’d be shitty, you did the best you could and you certainly paid a high price for it.”
His stomach lurched. She hadn’t said anything, but just as he’d suspected, she’d judged him for it. And how could he even blame her? He judged himself.
“So, like, this is how I have dealt with heats, and I’m sorry you had a bad experience, but that doesn’t make the pills bad for everyone.”
Kallen stopped next to a fenced garden, thinking. “I didn’t say they were bad,” he pointed out.
Analisa stopped too, staring him down from all of her five foot eight. “You implied it pretty clearly.”
He shook his head. “I’m not sure where you got that from, I wanted to ask you if you felt okay on them. Because all this time I have been thinking that they are the magic solution to heats, that maybe they make you a little groggy or whatever. Or that they didn’t want me taking them because they wanted me to— to be available . But after my last heat... Well, I wouldn’t take them if someone said it was the only way to play hockey again.” It was only as he said it that he realised how true the words were.
She huffed. “You still not saying they are bad?” she challenged.
“They are bad for me ,” he argued, trying his best not to get angry. Levy should see him now! “But if they are bad for me, they probably are bad for at least some other omegas, right?” His teeth clicked as he shut his mouth. “Are they okay for you?” he forced himself to ask. Of course he was biased after what had happened to him, but he was open to a different perspective.
Maybe whatever genetic rarity made him good at lure also made the pills interact differently with his system.
“They are worth it ,” she snarled. “Those pills mean I don’t have to depend on some piece of shit alpha not fucking up and getting me pregnant, or fucking bonded . So yeah, I get headaches sometimes, but it’s my choice.”
His stomach fell. He’d still wanted to believe that somehow, they could be okay for other omegas, but of course they weren’t. If she’d been truly happy with them, she wouldn’t have got so angry at him inquiring about it. Having spent the last three years of his life at the mercy of alphas, some considerably shittier than others, he couldn’t even argue that it wasn’t worth a headache not to have to hope things would turn okay, not to be so utterly powerless and know there was nothing you could do to make your chances a little better.
He knew he couldn’t control everything in his life, but he could control some things and he wanted to do his very best with those. Just stack the dice in his favour a little bit for when fortune just crashed the whole thing.
The only difference between them was that he’d taken his chances with a contract and alphas that had claimed to be his family, his protectors... and Analisa had opted for a chemical solution.
And neither of those had worked out as well as they might have hoped.
“Okay,” he told her, as gently as he could manage. His own anger had evaporated, but now he felt like he might cry instead. He knew exactly how she felt, how every omega must feel in their position. Stuck without an exit route that didn’t go through broken glass or burning coals.
Being told that love would save them, if only they gave themselves up to it. But knowing, deep down, that a person who owned you couldn’t really love you.
They’d love your body or what you could do for them, but not you.
Mini insisted they continue the walk and Analisa turned them around to head back to her house without another word. Kallen followed her.
It took him two blocks to find the courage to ask, rough and too quiet, “What if there was another way?”
She was already ahead and it took her an extra step to stop.
“Both choices right now are pretty shitty, right?” he kept going. “But I don’t think nature is out to get us, so what if we could use lure like they can use will?”
For a long moment, all he had to go on was the stiff cut of her shoulders. Then they dropped and she turned to give him a narrow-eyed look.
He could have been angry at her for it, if he hadn’t understood it so well. Of course she didn’t trust him, much less anything that gave her hope. When you were in an unbearable situation and you couldn’t get out, you couldn’t afford hope.
Hope could kill you if you let it, each disappointment a new wound that never quite healed... until you were done with it all and you couldn’t find the strength to get back up at all.
“I have no idea if it would work,” he admitted. “But it kinda... It did for me. Once,” he added, laughing because he knew how stupid it sounded. He shrugged.
Analisa had grudgingly apologised for snapping at him, and Kallen had waved it away.
Two days later, he’d let her drive his mother’s car to a special meeting Taylor had set up while he went online and looked up options to get his car back from Jiro.
It wasn’t officially quitting the team, but it was a very definite step in the right direction. If anyone in the building noticed and reported it to Management, they were sure to call him and he had no idea what he’d do then. But it wasn’t unreasonable to want his car back even just for the off-season.
Mr Evans had already put his report through, and he’d predicted McKinley would get cited almost immediately as soon as a judge saw it. Kallen couldn’t imagine he wouldn’t go to Management with it the moment he did.
Whatever his lawyer had theorised, Kallen didn’t think the White Cats would reach out to him with an olive branch. But he was as protected as could be, far away from them all, at home with his parents, with the police and a lawyer he trusted on his side. If he wasn’t home, he was either with Analisa or at Fair Sport, so really...
He didn’t know how to stop bracing himself for it anyway.
“Kallen?” Analisa startled him out of his circling thoughts.
He blinked, seeing the form he’d been filling for the car and then turning her way. “What?”
She sighed, shooting him an exasperated look, but her question was soft, “Do you need me to do anything in there? Like, do you want a safe word if it gets too much?”
“Oh, no!” It was easy to say because it was true. Had he really made her think he might need rescuing?
His friend shrugged. “Okay. Just wanted you to know I got your back.”
It was ridiculously sweet coming from her, tough and no-nonsense as she was. But of course she wasn’t like that, any more than he was a guy who could be a team omega without it destroying him. It was a front they needed to get by in the world. Not that it was a complete fabrication; he was sure she’d kick arse in court one day. But she was also the girl who’d nearly bitten his head off for questioning her use of medication she knew was harming her. And the friend offering to hold his hand as he took yet another step out of his comfort zone.
“I know,” he told her. “Me too.”
HE HADN’T DARED TO push things with Brad since he’d left because sure, the guy had seen him naked, but that wasn’t the same as wanting to open up to Kallen himself. But after that first class with the others, he thought he had a solid enough reason. Something any omega would want to know.
Texting first was just good manners, so it was only when Brad called him only a few minutes later that he realised how it’d come across. “You okay, man?”
“Yeah!” Kallen hurried to reassure him. “Um, it’s not... urgent, or anything.”
Brad tsked at him. “Okay, let me get a beer and kick off my shoes then.”
Instead of walking into the house, Kallen circled it to get to the back garden and dropped himself down on the grass. It was chilly in the late afternoon, but the grass hadn’t been cut in a while—he ought to offer—and sitting there felt a bit like being in a jungle, a space somehow separate from the every day world he inhabited.
“So what happened?” Brad asked into his ear.
“What? I can only want to talk if something happened?” Kallen asked, contrary.
Brad snorted. “Based on past evidence, yep.”
“Well, you didn’t call me ,” he pointed out. Sure, he was shy about making new friends, but Brad was anything but.
Brad sighed. “Wasn’t sure you wanted me to. Thought maybe you’d just needed a hand and a friendly ear.”
“Oh.” So they’d both been trying to be respectful of each other’s space. Only Kallen hadn’t wanted to be respected, he’d wanted to be asked , but of course he could hardly complain. He laughed a little instead. “Doesn’t sound like something you’d do.”
“I’ll have you know that I’m very tactful,” Brad informed him. “And excellent boundaries. I met you when you needed a lot of help, Kal. You didn’t have a choice about that, so I was trying to let you set the pace.”
It was unexpectedly thoughtful of him. Except of course for how it was very much in line with the kindness Brad had showed him from the moment they’d met. He’d been tough with Kallen when he’d needed it, of course, but never selfish or harsh.
“Well, keep your tact for your patients. In future, just call me if you wanna talk, okay?”
“Gotcha,” Brad said, smile audible. “So what’s going on?”
“I did something cool,” he admitted, and just like that it was all spilling out. How easy lure came to him, and how it somehow translated into being able to show other people how to do it. The way Kami, who’d been one of the omegas in the class, had laughed maniacally when he’d managed to get Analisa to stand up.
“That is beyond cool,” Brad told him when he finished. “You probably need a superhero name, Kal. I don’t think you can go around saving people like that without a secret identity.”
That startled a laugh out of Kallen, though he’d been grinning so hard already it wasn’t much of a stretch. “God, you are such a weirdo.”