4
I hear Irene calling for me and grit my teeth as Marie walks away .
It was not how I wanted tonight to go. The problem is that I have no idea what I was going to say anyhow .
I want you in a way Iˇve never wanted anything before, and Iˇm scared Iˇll ruin you if I pursue it .
I promised God Iˇd give you up if you returned. And it will be you the town punishes if I fail .
I allowed myself to forget today, when I held her in my arms, what things are like in Saint Antoine now. I wasnˇt even all the way back to the church before I was stopped by ¨concerned〃 citizens, troubled by where Iˇd spent my afternoon. It was a reminder that weighed heavily on me: the people of this town are eager to find a scapegoat for the woes that have befallen us since the war began, and theyˇre trying very hard to make that scapegoat the Durands .
All night Iˇve struggled with this-the harm I might cause her versus my own desire. And in the end, still floundering, I just let her walk away. It feels like the wrong choice .
Itˇs a relief to finally return to my room. I loosen my collar and sink into a chair, closing my eyes to relive each moment we spent in the orchard. I remember all of it: the feel of Marie in my hands, her soft gasp as my lips moved over her skin. Her smell, her taste. The delicious torment of her body curving into mine .
I should be on my knees begging Godˇs forgiveness, but itˇs hopeless right now. Iˇm nothing but this fire, a desperate, painful sort of want I canˇt seem to rid myself of .
I drink two glasses of wine, trying to diminish it all-the pain and the desire both-but when I climb into bed it remains. I turn onto my stomach and find my hips pressing to the mattress, as if she were beneath me. It is the sweetest torture and when I can take no more, my hand slips into my boxers to relieve the ache. Another sin, another broken vow and not the first time Iˇve done it, thinking of her. I picture her smile, the curve of her hips, her breasts pressed against me when I held her, the way she gave herself over to me so completely .
I spill into my hands and across my chest in barely a momentˇs time, yet the fire isnˇt diminished at all. Within seconds Iˇm rigid again, thinking of her .
If this is a test from God, it needs to end soon...or I am going to fail .