The Priest

8

Marie

I havenˇt seen Edouard since this morning. He walked out without a word, leaving me to wonder if Iˇd gone too far with what I said. To me, what occurred last night was a miracle, like discovering a magical portal in your own backyard, or mermaids in your well. But perhaps it wasnˇt to him. Perhaps it felt like a violation. He broke his vows, and I suppose neither of us honored what the church teaches about intimacy. Maybe he regrets it, but I didnˇt see regret in his face at the words. I saw hunger and temptation .

I thought I did, anyhow .

I teach all morning, trying to shake off the sense that Iˇm being observed. Maybe Iˇm just too conscious of how I feel  feverish, dazed, thrilled, ripe-but I feel certain it must show in my face .

Irene, in particular, has been icy to me. She cannot know whatˇs happened, but perhaps she senses it? We should be more careful, but I donˇt know how to be careful with him. Especially not after what we experienced last night .

Iˇm just leaving my final class when Edouard finally walks into the hall. I smile, but he does not smile back. He stands by the coat rack, which is where Iˇm heading anyway, but as I approach his eyes grow wild. He looks around him, as if he plans to flee .

I went too far this morning .

That must be it. He wanted to hold me and talk to me and I replied by asking him to break his vows .

I feel like Iˇm drowning in shame by the time I reach him. ¨Iˇm sorry about earlier,〃 I whisper, my words tripping over themselves. ¨ I - 〃

¨Marie, it has to stop,〃 he says. His voice is firm, almost angry .

My mouth falls open. Iˇd assume he just meant my inappropriateness earlier, but Iˇve never heard him angry like this. Iˇve never seen his face so cold. ¨What has to stop ?〃

He glances over my shoulder, and his nostrils flare. ¨All of it. All of it has to stop .〃

¨I-〃 I look around in dismay. Irene is hurrying toward us, of course. She canˇt stand to be away from his side for even a moment. ¨I donˇt understand. Is it because of what I said ?〃

His jaw hardens. ¨It doesnˇt matter. Just stay away .〃

¨Father,〃 says Irene, her voice sharp and unhappy, ¨I need your assistance, if you please .〃

¨I have to go,〃 he says. ¨Good day, Mademoiselle Durand .〃

I stumble out the door. Iˇve forgotten my coat entirely and the wind is so cold it burns my skin, but I donˇt care. What just happened? I made a mistake, yes, but I never dreamed he would change his mind about me over something so small. Maybe it wasnˇt small, though. Maybe heˇs suddenly had second thoughts about my character, my purity. Maybe he thinks Iˇve done all this before .

I press my hands to my face. Itˇs so cold that my tears are freezing against my skin. Is it wrong that I wanted more? Does he believe I led him astray ?

Amelie and Henri make it all seem so easy, so natural. But neither of them is a priest. Or perhaps last night was only magical for one of us .

I spend most of the afternoon feeling sick .

Did I really ruin everything so easily? I still canˇt believe how cold he turned at the end. Iˇve never, not once, heard him use that tone with anyone. The problem is that I am unable to give up on him. Iˇm unable to believe last night meant nothing to him, or that he could judge me so harshly for what I said .

He wasnˇt willing to hear me out before, but heˇs a reasonable man. If I apologize, if I explain that this is new to me and I simply got carried away earlier, surely heˇll forgive me? Heˇs a priest after all. Isnˇt that his job ?

I prepare quiche for the dinner at the parish. Food is getting scarce but at least we still have eggs and milk and cheese. I borrow Amelieˇs coat and walk back to the church that afternoon with a heavy heart. Just this morning Iˇd practically skipped over this entire path, wondering what Iˇd say when I saw him, wondering if I might persuade him to come to the barn again tonight .

I think of the way he was when I arrived. His face, his voice, his words. I need you , heˇd said, with such longing. My God, the effect that had on me. Iˇd have followed him anywhere in that moment. How could such a small thing have ruined it all ?

I arrive at the church and take a deep breath as I enter. Edouard glances over but looks away nearly as fast with his jaw clenched tight. Parishioners are already lining up and thereˇs obviously no chance of speaking to Edouard before dinner begins, so I carry my tray to the serving table and take my place behind it .

Madame Bonard looks at the quiche, her mouth pinched with distaste. ¨How nice that you still have eggs and cream,〃 she says, ¨while the rest of us struggle .〃

I loathe Madame Bonard and she has plenty of money to buy anything she wants off the black market if sheˇs in need, but it wonˇt do to say so .

¨If youˇre in need of something, Madame, please let me know .〃

¨As if Iˇd accept it from you,〃 she replies, turning away .

I feel as if Iˇve been slapped. I turn toward Irene, trying to make sense of it. Sheˇs busy serving casserole already, but thereˇs a smile on her face that wasnˇt there a moment earlier. I never exactly felt that I was among friends here, but it wasnˇt like this either .

I was never the enemy until tonight. What changed ?

I throw myself into my work, wanting only to get through it and find Edouard so we can talk. He never looks over at us once, however, and he doesnˇt approach until the dinner service is winding down, at which point he speaks only to Irene .

¨I have to go work on my homily for Sunday mass,〃 he says. ¨Do you mind locking up ?〃

She flushes with pleasure. ¨No, Father. Of course not .〃

¨Good evening then, ladies,〃 he says to all of us, not even glancing my way. ¨Thank you for your service .〃

Stop , I want to cry, wait . But heˇs walking away and I stand, impotent, watching him go .

When the food is put away, I go to the coat rack, but am stopped by old Renee Simon .

¨I heard what you said to Madame Bonard,〃 she says. ¨Iˇll take some eggs if you have them to spare. I donˇt mind what people say .〃

I stiffen. ¨And what do people say ?〃

She blinks, startled and clearly wishing she hadnˇt uttered it. She waves her hands. ¨Nothing you need to fret over. Silly talk .〃

¨Renee,〃 I whisper, placing my hand on her arm, ¨please tell me what youˇre referring to .〃

She flushes. ¨The council...they met with Edouard today. About you .〃

¨About me?〃 I squeak. Did someone see us together? Weˇve been so careful, I thought, but we could have been more so .

¨They believe youˇre spending too much time at the church,〃 she says with a sigh. ¨They think youˇre conspiring with your people on the outside. You know. One bad seed spoils the lot .〃

¨My people ?〃 I ask .

¨Jews,〃 she says. ¨Everyone knows about your mother and your friendship with Jeannette Olatz. Some say youˇre trying to seduce Edouard, that youˇre trying to poison our minds through his .〃

I feel my throat swell with a sob. Iˇve known these people my entire life. I canˇt believe theyˇd think for a moment Iˇd poison anyone, spiritually or otherwise. My conscience pricks a little at the claims about me seducing Edouard, but I ignore it. What matters now, what hurts now, is that he seems to have believed them. Even if he didnˇt truly share my feelings, after knowing me for so many years, did he really believe I might be here for nefarious purposes? He kissed me . He came to me, and it was his idea. It was his hand that went up my dress. I didnˇt force it there .

I rush to the exit, grabbing my coat and emerging into the biting February wind before itˇs on, tears stinging my face as I turn toward home .

Iˇve known that people judged us a little for my motherˇs faith. Iˇve known that some families considered me not good enough for their sons because of it and that there are people in town who donˇt want our business .

But I never dreamed that Edouard would believe them. My inappropriateness this morning couldnˇt have helped my case but...no. He still should have known better .

As I walk, my anger grows. How could he believe them? And believe them over me . Over what he knows of me. In spite of all the words he said .

I am nearly to the farm before anger stops me in my tracks .

No . Iˇm not letting him do this. Iˇm not letting him blame me for something he had an equal part in. Even if he wants nothing to do with me, he will at least hear from my own tongue how desperately wrong he is .

I turn on my heel and head back to town, walking past the church to reach the rectoryˇs door. Iˇve never been to his rooms before, but for years Iˇve dreamed of what I might find inside: Edouard at the table eating food Iˇd made him. Edouard in bed, trying to keep his mind on godly things, and failing at it perhaps. For the longest time  until he kissed me, really  it was that last image that kept me up at night .

All of that is behind me, I swear it. Now I just want to hear it from his own lips, how he believes my Jewish blood has poisoned him .

The door opens within seconds of my knock, and his eyes widen at the sight of me. ¨Marie,〃 he says, looking over my shoulder toward the street. Panicked again. ¨You canˇt be here .〃

¨Why?〃 I demand, lip trembling though I wish it would not. ¨Because Iˇm going to poison your mind with my half-Jewish thoughts ?〃

His jaw drops and then he reaches out and pulls me inside the door, shutting it quickly behind him. His eyes flash the brightest, most livid blue. ¨Itˇs not me who will be damaged by the talk, Marie!〃 he hisses, grabbing my arms. ¨Thatˇs why you shouldnˇt be here. You canˇt have thought I believed that nonsense ?〃

¨What else am I supposed to think?〃 I demand. ¨You meet with the council and just as soon youˇre telling me to go on about my business and leave you alone. Donˇt worry. Iˇm not here to beg you to reconsider. If youˇre that easily swayed, you never deserved me .〃

He presses me to the door, his hands cradling my jaw. ¨I wasnˇt swayed,〃 he says. ¨It terrified me. If the people in this town realized how I feel about you, God knows what would happen .〃

I hear true fear in his voice and stiffen. ¨What do you mean ?〃

¨They threatened you, Marie. I couldnˇt say anything because Irene was there, and Iˇm fairly certain she was the one who complained. But they said if I wonˇt remove the poison , theyˇll cut it out themselves. And by poison, they mean you .〃

I swallow, my pulse fluttering in my throat. I still want to be angry, but mostly Iˇd like to cry right now. It hurt me so much to believe, for even a moment, that he didnˇt care. My eyes well. ¨So you donˇt think Iˇm poison ?〃

¨I think,〃 he whispers, ¨that you are the only thing right in the entire world at the moment. But Iˇd die before I saw any harm come to you .〃

Iˇm happy but have an odd desire to cry at the same time. Iˇve gone from being certain of him to devastated and back again. Why does this all have to be so hard? Weˇre both adults. Heˇs trying to leave his post. Why is nothing ever straightforward? ¨Please donˇt ever do that again,〃 I whisper. ¨No matter what you think the result might be, donˇt treat me like that .〃

His lips press, first to forehead, then my eyelids and temples .

¨I just want you to be safe,〃 he says. ¨Donˇt you understand? Iˇd sacrifice every person in this town and everything Iˇve ever loved just to know you would survive the war .〃

I tip my head toward him and his mouth finds mine. The kiss is soft, but I feel the way heˇs restraining himself. And when my mouth opens under his, when I sigh, that restraint begins to fail him. His lips move to my jaw, my cheeks, my neck. His palm slides from the small of my back, then goes lower, pulling me against him. He's hard again, but itˇs only when his lips pull hard at the skin of my neck and I gasp that he comes to a sudden stop .

His chest rises and falls quickly. ¨I need to get you out of here without anyone seeing,〃 he says, flinching. ¨Until youˇre safely out of this town we canˇt be seen anywhere near each other .〃

My body is on fire. His hands are inside my coat, tight on my hips. I want to feel them sliding inside my dress again. I want to do what I did to him last night but watch as it happens .

I glance up. ¨You wanted time with me alone, before,〃 I whisper shyly. ¨And now you have me alone. Do you no longer want that ?〃

His gaze holds mine before it drifts to my lips and in a secondˇs time something between us changes. A visceral snap of electricity, a spark, and then he is pressed against me, his lips on mine, all his uncertainty absent. His hands rise until theyˇre at the base of my breasts. I arch toward him and he groans low as he gives in, stops resisting me at last. He explores, squeezes, thumbs passing over my taut nipples. ¨My God Marie,〃 he groans. ¨My God. You need to stop me .〃

His desperation, the way he is barely clinging to his restraint, is unexpectedly thrilling .

¨I donˇt want you to stop,〃 I whisper. I shrug off my coat. My fingers go to the top button of my dress and his eyes follow. As that button opens, as the second one follows. His mouth falls open, his gaze unfocused .

¨Do you want me to keep going?〃 I ask .

Instead of answering, his fingers replace mine, unbuttoning the third button and then the fourth, until he can push the dress off my shoulders. He gazes at me, naked to the waist but for my bra, as if Iˇm a holy object of devotion. The shroud of Turin, perhaps .

¨Youˇre so beautiful,〃 he says hoarsely, his fingers brushing the seam of my bra, index finger dipping inside it. His palm is rough against my skin, exquisite , yet itˇs his eyes that flutter closed, as if Iˇm the one whoˇs touching him .

I reach behind me and unzip the dress, allowing it to fall to the floor .

¨Marie,〃 he gasps. His voice is a plea and a warning .

¨Iˇm tired of this town. Iˇm tired of all the ridiculous rules .〃

He wants to resist me but already his eyes are dancing over my skin, from my breasts to my waist to the curve of my hips. I slide my hands inside his shirt, against that hard chest Iˇve wanted to lean against for what feels like my entire life. Heˇs every bit as firm beneath my hands as I imagined .

His mouth moves to mine again, harder and rougher and more demanding than it was, and suddenly he lifts me, wrapping my legs around his waist, and carries me to his room .

He lays me down gently .

Oh my God. After all these years Iˇm really in Edouardˇs bed .

I barely have time to think it before heˇs above me. He swallows as I reach up to unbutton his shirt, and once Iˇve reached the third button, he pulls it over his head. Heˇs perfect, all lean muscle and long lines, and the look in his eyes is decidedly carnal, as if he wants to eat me whole. Iˇve seen him at the altar a thousand times, but itˇs suddenly impossible to imagine how he ever became a priest. I reach up, letting my hand trace the curve of each muscle .

¨Youˇre perfect,〃 I whisper .

His eyes flutter closed. ¨Iˇve dreamed of this exact moment a thousand times, you beneath me, in my bed .〃

His fingers slide between my legs, just to the outside of my panties. He raises his head  silently asking if Iˇm okay  and in response I arch to get closer to him, to relieve that pressure. His fingers move beneath the cotton, against me, and his eyes fall closed once more, his color suddenly high, feverish almost .

I reach for his belt. His eyes open, but he doesnˇt stop me. The belt comes free and my hand goes to the button of his pants. Already I can feel him beneath them  rigid, straining against the fabric-until I tug them down and his erection breaks free, so large his boxers barely seem to contain it. I should be terrified, and a small part of me is, but mostly Iˇm fascinated .

I slide my hand inside his waistband and then wrap it around him, the way he instructed me last night, only this time itˇs my hot palm pressed directly to his skin .

His head goes back. ¨Marie,〃 he says, hissing air between his teeth, ¨stop or Iˇll come .〃

A tight wire at the base of my stomach is plucked, a desire so strong it hurts. ¨Thatˇs alright,〃 I whisper. I want him to come. I want to see his face clearly this time as he lets go .

¨No,〃 he says, almost harsh in his refusal. ¨Not yet .〃

He pulls my panties off and moves between my legs, spreading them wider, continuing to move his fingers-circling and pushing inside me, following my small gasps and shudders like a lesson plan until the throbbing grows unbearable. My muscles tighten and I cry out his name, my hand wrapping around his wrist as if to stop him but itˇs too late  I implode, seizing up around those intruding fingers, my body pulsing as my head goes back and I cry out .

When my eyes open, heˇs watching me cheeks flushed, eyes glazed over. He leans down to kiss my lips and I want to devour him. I feel him between my thighs, bare skin to bare skin, and I arch again. Heˇs so hard it must be painful .

His palm goes to the side of my face and he swallows. Iˇve never seen him like this-so desperate and hungry and dazed with want. ¨Please,〃 I whisper. ¨Yes .〃

He flinches for a moment and then pushes inside me, burying his face into my neck as he groans. ¨Oh God,〃 he whispers. ¨God .〃

It hurts, but Iˇd expected it to. What I hadnˇt expected was the pleasure I sense on the other side of that pain. The heat that floods me at his reaction .

¨Are you okay?〃 he asks between his teeth, jaw locked with restraint .

¨Yes,〃 I whisper. ¨I think so. I think I need...more .〃

Air leaves his throat in an audible huff. He slowly withdraws, then pushes in again .

Everything is so tight and sweet, and the pleasure slightly outweighs the pain .

I gasp. ¨More, Edouard,〃 I plead, arching up to meet his thrust .

¨Marie,〃 he groans. ¨Itˇs so hard not to come. Iˇm trying but itˇs so hard .〃

His hips begin to move. Slow, steady thrusts. My hands move over his back, and lower. I grip him there as the feeling of him shifts from pain to pleasure and he stops moving entirely. ¨Iˇve wanted this for too long,〃 he says, his chest moving fast, his eyes squeezed shut. ¨I donˇt want it to end so quickly .〃

Desire makes me certain and bold and selfish. I hear his words, but my only response is to demand more .

¨Please donˇt stop,〃 I whisper, greedy muscles clamping down on him, arching to bring him farther inside me .

¨Oh God,〃 he says with a small cry he thrusts in hard, again and again, his movements no longer smooth but uncoordinated and sharp .

Nothing has ever excited me more than his face as he lets go-mouth ajar, eyes squeezed shut, flushed, every muscle straining .

He gently falls on top of me, burying his face into my neck, while he tries to catch his breath. He pulls out and a rush of liquid follows. We didnˇt use anything, and I donˇt care. The idea of it only makes me want him more .

After a moment he gives a low laugh. ¨Iˇm sorry,〃 he says. ¨I wanted it to last but you made it impossible. Maybe you know some witchcraft after all .〃

I smile, and then bite my lip, grateful he canˇt see my face as I prepare to suggest what Iˇm about to. ¨Horses do it many times a day,〃 I whisper, ashamed and hopeful at once. ¨I always assumed men probably...could as well .〃

He raises his head and his mouth curves up. He could not look less like a priest than he does right now, with that look in his eyes and that dirty smile. Against my thigh, heˇs already begun to harden again .

He presses his lips to mine. ¨I suspect that a man can probably do it many times more, if you wanted him to .〃

I grasp his jaw in my hands and kiss him back. ¨I want him to .〃