Chapter 19
BASH
The trust in Eddie’s voice when he said those words hit me harder than incoming mortar fire. He was looking at me with those gorgeous green eyes, completely open, completely vulnerable, and I felt the weight of what he was offering.
Sweet Jesus, I was about to be this man’s first. His first everything, really, and here I was pretending like I knew what the hell I was doing when the truth was, I’d never done this either.
Sure, I’d been with women, but this? This was uncharted territory for both of us, and Eddie was trusting me to navigate it without getting us both lost.
“Thank you,” I said, and there was something almost reverent in the way I said it, like he’d given me something precious. Because he had. “I won’t let you down.”
The problem was, I wasn’t entirely sure how to keep that promise.
My experience with men extended to a couple of fumbling hand jobs years ago that had been more about release than connection, and nothing like what Eddie and I were building toward.
But looking into his eyes, seeing the complete faith he had in me, I knew we’d figure it out together.
We had to.
“We’re both flying blind here, you know that, right?” I said, trying to inject some lightness into my voice. “I mean, I’ve got the theory down, but theory and practice are two different things.”
Eddie’s smile was soft and understanding. “I rather suspected as much. I’ve done my research as well, but I imagine it’s rather like learning to drive by reading the manual.”
“Exactly.” I kissed him gently, grateful for his patience. “So we’ll take it slow, figure it out as we go. And you tell me if anything doesn’t feel right, yeah?”
“I promise.”
I kissed him again, deeper this time, trying to pour all my nervous energy into the connection between us.
When we broke apart, both breathing harder, I forced myself to address the practical side of things. “So, uh, supplies. I, erm, may have stopped by the campus store a few days ago while I was out for a run and bought some stuff just in case.”
Eddie’s cheeks flushed pink, but he met my eyes steadily. “That’s excellent news because if you had counted on me getting them, we would never get anywhere. I’m afraid I don’t have the constitution for embarrassing transactions like that.”
The image of Eddie, all proper British politeness, buying condoms and lube made me grin despite my nerves. “I would love to see that someday.”
“As you Americans would say: in your dreams, buddy.”
He actually pulled off an American accent, which made it even more funny. But I wanted to get this show on the road. “I do, however, have those in my room, so give me a moment while I grab them, okay? Don’t go anywhere.”
Eddie looked down at himself, naked as a bird. “I can assure you I shall remain where I am.”
I laughed all the way to my bedroom and back. He had such a dry sense of humor, so very different from my own but so funny. When I got back, he literally hadn’t moved a muscle.
“Tada!” he said, spreading his arms wide. “Still here.”
Grinning, I upended the paper bag, which held condoms, lube, and even some wet wipes for cleanup.
Eddie quirked an eyebrow. “You did come prepared. Were you in the Boy Scouts?”
“Ha! I was, actually, but it’s also a Marine thing. We’re always prepared for the worst.”
“One can only hope this won’t be the worst, but if so, at least we’ll have wipes.”
“Good thing one of us is a planner.” I set everything within easy reach on the nightstand, then turned back to Eddie, who was watching me with an expression that was equal parts nervousness and anticipation. “Come here.”
Eddie moved closer, close enough that I could feel the heat radiating from his skin, could see the way his pulse fluttered at the base of his throat. I cupped his face in my hands, brushing my thumbs across his cheekbones.
“We don’t have to rush this,” I said quietly. “We’ve got all night, all the time in the world. If something doesn’t feel good, you tell me. If you want to stop, we stop. No questions, no arguments.”
“I don’t want to stop. I want this. With you.”
The simple honesty in his words made something itch inside me, like my skin was suddenly too tight.
I kissed him again, slow and thorough, trying to communicate everything I couldn’t quite put into words yet.
How much he meant to me, how grateful I was that he’d chosen me for this, how determined I was to make this good for him, even if I had no idea what I was doing.
When I reached for the lube, my hands were steadier than I’d expected. Military training, maybe—focus on the mission, execute with precision. The mission here was making Eddie feel good, making this experience something he’d remember with pleasure rather than pain.
“This might feel strange at first,” I said, warming the gel between my fingers. “Just breathe, okay? And tell me how it feels.”
Eddie nodded, trust written across every line of his face as he settled back against the pillows.
I started slowly, simply rubbing my slick fingers against his hole until I felt him relax.
In a way, I had expected this part to feel awkward or even slightly uncomfortable, but it wasn’t.
Instead, I almost felt honored that he trusted me this much, that I was allowed to do this, to get him ready for what we wanted to share.
My finger slipped in, and I halted. “Okay?”
He nodded. “I’ve… I’ve played with myself there. I’m good with this.”
That might be so, but I still kept a close eye on him as I proceeded working him open, watching his face for any sign of discomfort. He tensed from time to time, but a few seconds pause or a small word of encouragement from me helped him relax quickly enough.
He was braver than I’d anticipated, opening up to me, relaxing little by little as we found our rhythm together.
His breaths came in short, eager bursts, eyes half-shut not in pain but concentration.
I tried a second finger, easing in slow as honey, and he shifted his hips to meet me, body learning my touch almost as quickly as I could discover him.
“Feel weird?” I asked, voice husky even to my own ears.
Eddie licked his lips. “Weird, yes, but not bad. It’s… Bloody hell, Bash, no one ever tells you how… exposed it feels, but not in a negative way.” He gave a shaky laugh. “I should be more articulate, but you’re not making it easy.”
I laughed, feeling my nerves unwind like a tightly coiled spring finally let loose. “You’re doing fine.” I leaned down, kissed his neck, his jaw, the spot under his ear that made him shiver. “Tell me if you want more.”
He swallowed, then nodded. “I do. More, please.”
His voice was desperate but so damn polite, I had to stifle a laugh. “Roger that.”
I kept moving, careful but deliberate. I added a third finger, slower this time, letting him get used to it.
There were moments his breath went sharp, but each time I paused or stroked his hip, he steadied, and it felt like we were running a relay race—baton passing back and forth, giving each other strength to keep moving.
I didn’t know if I was doing it right. I was half-following the rhythm of his breaths, half the advice of a dozen Internet strangers and a couple of sex-ed books.
But there was a moment when I curved my finger just so and Eddie’s eyes went huge, his mouth popping open in a silent gasp. That felt, in a word, like winning.
“Bloody hell,” he croaked, body arching enough that the movement pressed his groin against my thigh.
I grinned, too pleased with myself to hide it. “That’s the prostate, Professor.”
He flashed me a look that was equal parts scandalized and delighted. “Consider me educated.”
I took my time, going slow, letting him acclimate to the stretch.
He was so open, so vulnerable, and so goddamn beautiful like this, it almost hurt.
There was a sort of awe in watching him let go.
Eddie, who overthought everything, who couldn’t let an idea pass without chewing it to shreds, surrendered, panting, grasping at my shoulders, doing his best to keep his eyes open and on me.
“I think I’m ready,” Eddie said, echoing my own assessment.
“You sure?”
“I’m sure. I want you, Bash. Please.”
Christ, the way he said please, like he was asking for something precious, nearly undid me completely. I fumbled with the condom, my hands not quite as steady as they had been moments before, and Eddie reached out to help, his fingers brushing mine as we got me ready together.
“Team effort,” Eddie said softly, and that calm reassurance eased the worst of my nerves.
I nodded, once, and guided him to lie back, propping his head on the pillows so I could see his face.
I knelt between his thighs, and for a second, I took him in—his pale skin flushed with excitement, his chest rising and falling, pupils blown wide with anticipation.
He was stretched out so trustingly I felt a strange ache in my ribcage, like every moment prior in my life had just been prelude for this one.
All at once, I was terrified and honored and so fucking ready, I nearly forgot to breathe.
Then I lined myself up, heartbeat pounding so loud, I thought the sound might shake him apart. I pressed forward, slow as the tide coming in, jaw clenched not to thrust all at once. He was tight—fuck, he was so tight—and it took everything I had not to come right then and there.
Eddie’s breath shuddered in the space between us, but he kept his eyes locked on mine, fingers digging into my shoulders like he could anchor himself there.
His face was a study in sensation, every pleasure and discomfort painting itself in real time across his features.
I felt the catch in his breath, the little tremor as he adjusted, and I stopped, holding perfectly still.
“It’s okay,” he gasped, blinking hard. “Just give me a second…”