Chapter 21
21
FARRON
Tore was on my mind all the freaking time. It was as annoying as it was fascinating, considering how I had hated his guts mere weeks ago. Thanksgiving had changed something for me. Seeing him in my home, with my siblings, witnessing his genuine interest firsthand had made me see him in a different light.
And now I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I thought it had been bad before, but since Thanksgiving, it had gotten even worse. We hadn’t had an opportunity to hook up again. Privacy was ridiculously hard to find when we both had roommates, teammates, and friends in general cockblocking us every step of the way. But if we won this game, we only had two more games to play after this—if we made it all the way—and the season would be over. Surely, after that, we’d find a way to get together.
I’d recovered from the hit I’d taken in the game against the Condors, though Coach had benched me for one more game to be safe. I couldn’t blame him. As much as we both wanted to win, it couldn’t come at the expense of my health and safety.
I couldn’t believe we’d made it to nationals. This had been my dream since my freshman year, and here we were, making it a reality. Two rounds in, and we were still standing. Granted, some luck had been involved, including a dubious offside call in our favor in our last game, but that was all part of it. College soccer didn’t have VAR—video assistant referee—like the big pro tournaments had.
No matter how much Tore was on my mind, as soon as the whistle blew, everything else faded away. There was only the game, the ball, my teammates. I’d worked too hard for this to allow myself to be distracted, and luckily, Tore showed the same focus, as did the rest of the team. By now, we moved as one unit, anticipating each other’s moves.
With ten more minutes to play in this game against St. Andrew’s College from somewhere in California, we were tied one to one. Our opponents had clued in to the danger Tore formed, and he constantly had man-on-man coverage. But that didn’t mean they could keep up with him. All he needed was one moment, one opportunity to get away from his defender.
In the final minute of regular time, Tore finally got a breakaway. I held my breath as he approached the goal, his lean body a blur of motion. With a powerful kick, he sent the ball sailing past the keeper.
The stadium erupted. We’d won, bringing us one step closer to becoming the national champions. My teammates swarmed Tore, lifting him onto their shoulders. Pride and joy swelled in my chest. He was so damn good.
The celebration on the soccer field was electric, the night air charged with the euphoria of victory. I stood in the middle of the sea of blue and yellow, my teammates chanting and whooping, their joy infectious. In that moment, we were brothers-in-arms, victorious warriors after a hard-fought battle.
“Let’s carry this momentum to finals, Hawks!” Coach bellowed over the din, rallying the team. We answered with a resounding cheer, our voices rising to the stars above Hawley College, our shared dream of glory binding us tighter.
We paraded into the locker room, whooping and hollering. The excitement was infectious as the guys clapped each other on the back, reliving the best moments of the game. RJ dumped a cooler of water over Coach’s head as we all laughed. Coach took it in his stride, grinning broadly.
“Party at the Phi Delta house!” Jake yelled.
RJ high-fived him. “Hell yeah, we earned it!”
As the noise died, Coach—still dripping wet—gathered us for a final huddle. “Great work out there, boys. You should be proud. Now go celebrate. Responsibly.”
We all put our hands in. “Hawks on three! One, two, three, HAWKS!”
I led the cheer, yet at the same time, I was detached from it, as if I was watching myself from afar. We’d worked so hard to get here, but now that we were so close I could taste it, it came with a startling realization.
I wasn’t good enough.
Standing under the hot spray of the shower, I let it sink in. All my life, I’d dreamed of going pro, of playing for a club—and now I knew it would never happen. I wasn’t good enough. Throughout my four years of college, I’d kept the hope that scouts would see me, would recognize my potential, and would offer me a deal.
But they hadn’t.
And now I realized why. I wasn’t good enough. I’d expected that truth to sting, but it didn’t. It left me feeling… melancholy, for lack of a better word, but not bitter or angry. I loved soccer. Always had and always would, but now that my college career was coming to an end, it was somehow enough.
Even if we didn’t win nationals, I could look back at what we had achieved with so much pride. My freshman year, we hadn’t even made the playoffs. My sophomore and junior years, we’d come close to winning the conference, coming in second both times. This time, we’d won, and now we were playing at nationals.
It was enough.
Soccer would always be a part of my life in one way or another, but it wouldn’t be my day job. At least, not as a player. And I was okay with that. Strangely okay, in fact.
“Farron…”
I looked up to find Tore looking at me. He was fully dressed, and the locker room was silent. Somehow, I’d missed everyone else leaving while lost in my thoughts.
“Are you okay?” Tore asked.
I took a deep breath as I turned off the shower. “Have you ever had a true epiphany?”
He frowned as he leaned against the wall. “Not that I recall. Why?”
“I just had one.”
“Would you like to share?”
Always so goddamn polite. I toweled off, not in the least bothered by him watching me. “I realized I’ll never become a pro player.”
His soft gasp made me look up. “What? You can’t give up hope. Maybe?—”
I stopped him with a hand signal. “I’m okay with it. That’s the epiphany part, that somehow, I’m okay with giving up on that dream. I don’t know how or why, but it’s okay.”
He pushed off the wall and stepped closer. “I know from experience how hard it is to let a dream like that go.”
I wrapped the towel around my waist and secured it, more out of habit than out of an issue with Tore seeing me naked. “It must’ve been even harder for you because you had the talent to make it. I’m not good enough. No, don’t protest. I’m good, and I’ve excelled at the collegiate level, but I’m not good enough for the pros… and that’s okay. I’ve made my peace with it without even realizing it.”
Before I knew what was happening, he was hugging me, wet towel be damned. I resisted for one moment, then gave in and leaned into his embrace.
“It’s still hard,” he whispered. “Letting go of a dream is never easy.”
Funny how I felt so seen with those simple words. “Thank you.”
He hugged me a little longer, then let go.
“Did everyone else leave?” I asked, making my way back to the locker room itself.
Tore nodded. “They were quite eager to attend that party.”
“Are you going?”
“I doubt it. It’s not my scene.”
We fell into silence, the air thick with unspoken words. I got dressed, hyperaware of Tore’s presence a few feet away. The locker room felt smaller suddenly, more intimate. It was like the air itself was shimmering with the heat between us, waiting for a spark to ignite.
“Farron,” Tore said softly, and I turned to find him much closer than I expected. My breath caught in my throat.
“Yeah?” I managed, my heart racing.
Tore’s blue eyes searched mine, filled with an intensity that made my skin tingle. “I can’t stop thinking about Thanksgiving.”
I swallowed hard, heat rising to my face. “Me neither,” I admitted, the words tumbling out before I could stop them.
“Something changed.”
“Yeah.”
Without warning, Tore’s hand was on my arm, his touch sending electricity through me. “I know you’re confused,” he murmured, “but I felt something real. Didn’t you?”
My mind screamed at me to pull away, to deny it. But my body had other ideas. I found myself leaning into Tore’s touch, drawn to him like a magnet. “I… Yeah. I did.”
The next thing I knew, Tore’s lips were on mine, soft yet insistent. A groan escaped me as I kissed him back, my hands finding their way to his waist. The taste of him, the feel of his body against mine—it was intoxicating.
I’d missed him. In the ten days since I’d last kissed him, held him, touched him, I had missed him. How insane yet how true.
My hand found the nape of his neck, pulling him closer toward me. Our tongues tangled, and the dam inside me broke. The kiss was hungry, urgent, as if we were trying to consume each other whole. Tore’s mouth was insistent against mine, his tongue tracing my lips before delving inside, tangling with mine in a dance that stole my breath away.
I pushed Tore against the lockers, our kisses growing more heated. My hands roamed his body, relishing the firm muscles beneath his damp jersey. He tangled his fingers in my hair, pulling me closer. My skin burned where his fingers dug in, and I reveled in the pain, the pleasure, the overwhelming reality of Tore in my arms.
“Farron,” he gasped between kisses. “I want?—”
The locker room door suddenly burst open with a loud bang. We sprang apart, but it was too late.
“Holy shit!”
My blood ran cold. RJ stood frozen in the doorway, his eyes wide with shock.
“RJ,” I choked out, panic rising in my chest. “I can explain?—”
“Explain what?” RJ’s gaze darted between Tore and me, taking in our disheveled appearance and flushed faces. “That you were sucking face with the guy you supposedly hate?”
I cleared my throat. “I don’t hate him.”
RJ snorted. “No kidding, considering you guys were making out. And aren’t you both straight?”
How the hell was I going to explain this? I barely understood it myself. “It’s not… I mean, we’re not…”
“We’re figuring things out,” Tore interjected calmly, placing a reassuring hand on my arm. The simple gesture steadied me, and I leaned into his touch.
RJ’s eyebrows shot up. “Figuring things out? So this isn’t a one-time thing?”
I took a deep breath, forcing myself to meet my co-captain’s gaze. “No,” I admitted, surprised by how certain I felt. “It’s not.”
I took Tore’s hand and squeezed it.
“Does Coach know?” RJ asked.
“No, but we’ll…” I checked with Tore, who nodded. “We’ll tell him. And the others.”
“Jesus…” RJ looked from me to Tore and back. “I’ll be goddamned.” Then he grinned. “I’ll text the team to come back. Hell if I’m gonna keep this quiet until tomorrow.”
True to his word, he messaged everyone, and within a few minutes, the whole team was back in the locker rooms. There were some grumbles about having to leave the party, but mostly, the guys were curious, sensing there had to be a reason RJ had asked them to come back.
“Cap, you have the floor,” RJ announced when everyone was present.
Oh fuck. Tore gave me a small nod, his blue eyes filled with encouragement. Emboldened, I held out my hand, and he took it, stepping close to me. A hushed silence fell over the room. “Yeah, so… Tore and I are… together. As in, dating.” The words felt foreign but right, tasting of freedom and fear all at once.
“Like holding hands and making daisy chains together?” Ethan quipped, breaking the silence. A ripple of laughter followed, easing the tightness in my chest.
“Very funny.” I rolled my eyes. “More like ‘skip practice to make out in the locker room’ together.”
“Ooh,” came the drawn-out chorus, followed by a round of playful jeers and wolf whistles.
“Guess that means you’ll be playing defense in more ways than one, huh?” Colin called out, and even I couldn’t suppress a grin.
“All right, knock it off,” I said, though I didn’t mind the teasing. It was better than I’d expected—no anger, no disgust. Just the guys being guys. A wave of relief washed over me, though I was a bit confused too. This wasn’t how I’d expected things to go at all.
Then Ethan asked the question I’d been fearing. “But I thought you hated him?”
I looked at Tore, my cheeks heating. “Yeah, it turns out I didn’t hate him so much after all.”
After that, the teasing was endless until the guys streamed out of the locker room again, eager to attend the party. Once again, Tore and I were alone.
“You okay?” he asked, and his concern touched me.
“Better than I had expected, considering I came out in more ways than one.”
“You’re not upset with me?”
I cupped his cheek. “This wasn’t your fault. We both knew this was the risk we were taking.”
Plus, I was relieved everything was now out in the open, but I didn’t have the right words to express that feeling. My head was still a mess, with relief and fear and excitement and worry all battling with each other.
I wasn’t upset that we were now officially dating or whatever it was. This wasn’t some fling or an experiment gone too far. There was something between us that went deeper than lust, more profound than physical need.
No, it wasn’t the idea of being with Tore that scared me; it was the intensity of what I felt for him… and the fear of what would happen to me if it ended.
When it ended.
Because this was no fairy tale, and in the real world, guys like him didn’t end up with the likes of me.