Chapter 27
27
FARRON
I missed soccer.
If it had still been soccer season, maybe I wouldn’t have spent so much time thinking about Tore. Hell, I wouldn’t have had the time for all those useless, stupid what-ifs that now played through my brain.
Christmas had been awful, New Year’s even worse, and now that school had started again and Tore was back, every day was agony. I was angry every day, all day, all the time. Hurting and pissed off and just so fucking lost that I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I slammed my locker shut, the metallic clang echoing through the almost empty locker room. My jaw clenched as I grabbed my gym bag, the fabric rough against my calloused hands. To stay fit, we did sessions in the gym three times a week: a combination of strength, conditioning, and flexibility training. As usual, I’d arrived early so I wouldn’t have to face Tore in the locker room.
“Dude, what’s got your panties in a twist?” Colin’s voice grated on my last nerve as he sauntered up, that stupid grin plastered on his face.
I shot him a glare that could melt steel. “None of your goddamn business.”
“Whoa, easy tiger. Just asking.” He held up his hands in mock surrender. “You’ve been a real ray of sunshine lately.”
“Yeah, well, maybe I don’t feel like dealing with your shit today.” I shouldered past him, my footsteps heavy on the worn linoleum.
Colin jogged to catch up. “Come on, man. I’m trying to help.”
I stopped abruptly, turning to face him. “You want to help? Then back the fuck off.” The words came out harsher than I intended, but I was too wound up to care.
His eyes widened slightly, hurt flashing across his face before he masked it with indifference. “Whatever, dude.”
As he walked away, guilt gnawed at my insides. I was being an asshole, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. Every time I thought about Tore, about his lies, about how easily he’d played me, rage bubbled inside me like molten lava.
Should I tell the team about Tore’s true identity? So far, I seemed to be the only one who knew, though I wasn’t sure if Tore had told Luke. Those two had become close friends, but other than sending me dark looks every now and then, Luke hadn’t said a word to me about it.
It would be so easy to expose Tore, to watch his carefully constructed facade crumble. But every time I considered it, something held me back. Despite everything, despite the anger and the hurt, I still cared about him. And that realization pissed me off more than anything else.
As if on cue, Tore stepped into the gym, looking all kinds of perfect in his running shorts and tank, though his face was pale and he had bags under his eyes. My heart did a traitorous flip, desire warring with anger. I hated how easily he affected me, how even now, after everything, I still wanted him.
My stomach dropped as Tore’s eyes met mine across the gym. For a moment, I saw a flicker of something—Regret? Longing?—before he looked away and headed to the rowing machine.
I tried to focus on the burn in my muscles as I pushed myself harder and harder on the stair climber. But my gaze kept drifting to Tore, to the graceful way he moved, to the determined set of his jaw.
Memories of our time together flooded my mind: the heat of his skin against mine, the soft sighs he’d make when I kissed that spot behind his ear, the way he’d look at me like I was his whole world. I gritted my teeth, forcing the thoughts away. It had all been a lie, hadn’t it?
As practice wore on, the tension between us grew thicker. Every time we came near each other, electricity crackled in the air. I could feel his eyes on me, burning into my back, but I refused to give him the satisfaction of looking. I was a mess of conflicting emotions. Anger, desire, hurt, and longing all tangled together in my chest, threatening to suffocate me.
Finally, Tore headed toward the locker room, his shoulders slumped. Part of me wanted to follow him, to confront him, to demand answers. But another part, the part that was still raw and bleeding from his betrayal, held me back. I wasn’t ready to face him, to hear his excuses or explanations.
So, instead, I stayed behind in the gym, punishing myself with another round of burpees, feeling more alone than I ever had in my life.
When I was done, I showered and dressed, then headed outside. A thin blanket of snow covered the ground with more lazily drifting down, and my boots left big footprints. Then, I came to a full stop. Tore was sitting on a bench, head in his hands, looking utterly defeated as he ignored the falling snow. The sight sent a pang through my chest.
I hesitated, warring with myself. Part of me wanted to go to him, to comfort him, but the anger still simmering beneath the surface held me back. As I stood there, frozen in indecision, Tore looked up and our eyes met.
For a moment, time seemed to stand still. His blue eyes, usually so bright and full of life, were dull with sorrow and guilt. It was like looking into a mirror of my own pain.
He got up, stepping in my way. “Farron, I?—”
“Don’t.” I cut him off, my tone harsher than intended. “Just… don’t.”
I pushed past him, my shoulder brushing against his. Even that brief contact sent a jolt through my body, and I cursed internally at my traitorous reactions.
Back in my dorm, I couldn’t shake the image of Tore’s sad eyes from my mind. Why did it matter to me that he was hurting too? He was the one who had lied, who had betrayed my trust.
* * *
Spring break arrived, but I’d opted to stay. With everyone gone, I’d be able to get a lot of uninterrupted studying in, and I’d requested extra shifts at Walmart. My mom must’ve seen through my feeble excuses as to why I wasn’t coming home as usual, but she hadn’t pushed.
“You sure you don’t wanna come to Florida with us?” Colin asked, tossing clothes into his suitcase.
I shook my head, not looking up from my textbook. “Nah, man. Gotta work.”
“All work and no play makes Farron a dull boy,” he sing-songed, dodging the pillow I chucked at his head.
“Fuck off,” I growled, but there was no real heat behind it.
The truth was, I needed the distraction, needed something to keep my mind off Tore and the ache that had taken up permanent residence in my chest.
As the campus emptied out, I threw myself into work and studying. Stocking shelves, running the register, memorizing psychology terms—anything to keep my thoughts from wandering to a certain blond midfielder with sad blue eyes. Tore was going home with Luke, I heard through the grapevine, so at least I wouldn’t run into him.
But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t escape him completely. He haunted my dreams, leaving me restless and frustrated. More than once, I woke up achingly hard, the ghost of his touch still lingering on my skin. The thought of Tore’s smile, the way his eyes would light up when he talked about something he loved, sent a pang through my chest. God, I missed him.
On the last day of spring break, I was walking across campus on my way back from a study session in the library when I saw Luke. Out of habit, I always checked out Tore’s building when I walked past, and I caught Luke walking in, a weekend bag slung over his shoulder. Did that mean Tore was back too?
Before I knew it, I found myself standing outside Tore’s dorm room, my hand poised to knock. I don’t know what compelled me to come here. Closure? A masochistic need to torture myself further?
I rapped my knuckles against the wood before I could talk myself out of it. My heart pounded as I waited, equal parts hoping and dreading that he’d answer. What would I even say if he did? I miss you even though I hate you? I can’t stop thinking about you even though you betrayed me?
Luke opened the door, his face lighting up in surprise when he saw me. “Farron? Everything okay?”
I jammed my hands into my pockets. “Is Tore here?”
Luke’s expression softened, and something in his eyes made my stomach clench. “No, he’s not. Farron, there’s something you should know…”
My chest tightened as Luke gestured for me to come in, his eyes full of sympathy. “What is it?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.
Luke sighed. “Tore’s gone, man. He left for good.”
The words hit me like a punch to the gut. “What do you mean, gone? He can’t just… leave.”
“He did,” Luke said softly. “Packed up most of his stuff and took off. Said he wasn’t coming back after spring break.”
I stumbled backward, my legs hitting Tore’s bed. I sank down onto it, my mind reeling. “But why?”
Luke shrugged, leaning against the desk. “He didn’t say much, but…” He hesitated, watching me carefully. “He’s heartbroken over your breakup. I don’t know what happened between you two, but he’s hurting. I think he went home to get away from it. From you.”
I swallowed hard, memories of our last encounter flashing through my mind. The hurt in Tore’s eyes, the tremor in his voice. Fuck.
“And he’s not coming back next semester?”
Luke shook his head. “Nah, man. He’s done here.”
I nodded numbly, my eyes burning. The reality of it all was slowly sinking in. Tore was gone. Really gone. And I’d never even gotten the chance to…
To what? Apologize? Make things right? The thought of never seeing him again, never hearing his stupid British expressions or watching him light up when talking about books… It felt like someone had ripped a hole in my chest.
It made no sense because we’d already been broken up, but somehow, the finality of it made it a thousand times worse. As long as he’d been here, I’d had the option of seeing him, talking to him. Now that possibility was gone, and I was left with nothing but memories… and regret.
“You okay, dude?” Luke’s voice broke through my spiraling thoughts.
I looked up, realizing my cheeks were wet. Hastily, I wiped at my face. “Yeah. It’s nothing.”
Luke didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t push it. “Listen, if you want to talk or anything…”
“Thanks.” I rose abruptly. “I should go. Thanks for… you know.”
I bolted from the room, ignoring Luke’s concerned call after me. I needed to get out of there, away from Tore’s lingering presence and the crushing weight of what I’d lost.
I stumbled out of the dorm building, the cool spring air hitting my face like a slap. My feet carried me aimlessly across campus, past the soccer field where Tore and I had spent countless hours training together. The memory of his lithe form darting across the grass, his blond hair catching the sunlight, and the brilliance of his smile every time he scored made my chest ache.
“Fuck,” I muttered, kicking at a pebble on the path. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. What have I done?”
The realization hit me like a freight train. I’d pushed away the one person who’d seen past my tough exterior, who’d challenged me and made me laugh and made me feel things I’d never felt before.
“I’m in love with him,” I said aloud, the words tasting foreign on my tongue. “I’m in fucking love with Tore.”
The admission brought no relief, only a deep, gnawing ache. I’d fallen for a guy—a prince, no less—and I’d been too stubborn, too afraid to admit it. Now he was gone, thinking I hated him.
“I’m such a goddamn idiot.” I sat down on a bench and groaned, burying my face in my hands.
I sat there for what felt like hours, replaying every moment with Tore in my head. The way he’d look at me when he thought I wasn’t paying attention. The electricity I’d felt every time we touched. How had I been so blind?
As the sun began to set, casting long shadows across the campus, I made a decision. I couldn’t let it end like this. I had to find Tore and tell him how I felt, even if it was too late.
I pushed myself off the bench, my muscles stiff from sitting for so long and my body like an icicle since it really wasn’t that warm yet. The campus was quiet as I made my way back to my dorm. A lot of students were still gone for spring break. Each step felt heavy, weighed down by regret and the enormity of what I had to do.
As I entered my room, I caught sight of myself in the mirror. My hair was a mess, I had dark circles under my eyes, and I was pale as a ghost. I looked like shit, but that was the least of my concerns.
I grabbed my phone, hesitating for a moment before pulling up Tore’s contact. My thumb hovered over the call button, but I couldn’t bring myself to press it. What would I even say? Hey, sorry I was a complete asshole. By the way, I think I’m in love with you .
Nope, that wouldn’t work. I tossed the phone onto my bed. I needed a plan for how to fix this mess I’d created. And I’d better come up with something spectacular too, if I wanted him to forgive me.
I froze, an idea forming. The phone wouldn’t do. I needed to see him in person. I had to travel to Norway.
Fuck, this was crazy. I had no idea where in Norway Tore lived—a palace?—no money for a plane ticket, and no guarantee he’d even want to see me. But for the first time in weeks, I felt a spark of hope.