27. Chapter 27
Chapter twenty-seven
F or better or worse, when I open the door to my bedroom, Tag is sitting at my desk, writing. Seeing him sends a bolt of mental anguish so strong it almost physically hurts, but I don’t let myself falter. I know what I have to do, even if it’s going to hurt like nothing else ever has before.
Oblivious to my distress, Tag continues to write. “Hello Darien,” he says, still looking down. “I didn’t expect you this—”
He looks up at me, his expression morphing into one of instant concern. He stands from the desk, walks over to me, and gently cups my face in one hand. “What’s wrong, my love? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I open my mouth to tell him that he has to go, that it’s not safe for him here, but something shatters deep within my heart, and nothing comes out. The floor flies up toward me, and before I know it, I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, crying, with my head in my hands and Tag’s arms wrapped around me.
“It’s alright,” he murmurs gently, stroking my back with one hand. “I don’t know what’s going on, but I promise it’ll be alright.”
I look up at him, his beautiful face blurry through my tears, and try, once again, to tell him that everything is not alright, that it’s as far from alright as it could possibly be. But once again, I can’t make myself form the words, so I put my head down again and let Tag hold me for what may be the last time ever.
It takes a good five minutes for my tears to subside. When they do, Tag keeps holding me close, and I let myself take bittersweet comfort in his warmth, enjoying it while I still can.
Finally, after a few more minutes of silence, Tag whispers, “Now will you tell me what’s wrong, my love? Did someone else get sick?”
I shake my head. “No, that’s not it.” Even though I’m not crying anymore, my voice still trembles when I speak. “Tag, you know that I’ll always love you, right?”
He kisses me on the cheek. “Of course I do. Please, just tell me what’s wrong. Start at the beginning.”
The beginning . It feels like it was ages ago that I went to find Mother, even though it’s only been a couple of hours. I take a deep breath, trying to steel myself. “The council found out that my uncle broke the alliance. I went to see if Mother had any idea how to handle them. But she…”
I tell him about Mother being gone and my conversation with Arbois. At first, the words spill out of me like a waterfall. But when I get to Arbois’s threat and his revelation that he’s responsible for the deaths of Father and Samis, a surge of grief rushes through my mind, and I have to pause until it dies away before I can continue. When I tell Tag that the only way I can keep Soeria safe is to marry Arbois, the pain is so great that it’s like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and torn to pieces in front of me.
When I finally finish speaking, there’s a deafening silence, neither of us apparently willing to say what must be said. Some part of me wants to look at him, but I think if I do, I might just break down again. And I need to be strong for what comes next.
Tag is the first one to speak. “I’m so sorry,” he says, his voice thick with love and sorrow. “We can get through this together. I know it seems bad now, but we’ll figure out a way. I’m here for you, and I always will be.”
“Thank you, my love. But there’s only one thing I need from you right now.” I force myself to look him in the eye. “You have to leave the palace, now . Take Riella and your parents with you.” I let my voice drop to a whisper. “And you can never, ever come back.”
His face is ashen, and he almost seems to shrink in on himself. “Leave? What do you mean?” His voice is small and uncertain. “But I love you—”
I can’t let him finish that sentence, so I pull him into a deep kiss before he can get the words out. “I love you more than anything in the world,” I tell him. Tears run down my cheeks, and a dull ache pounds in my chest. “But that doesn’t matter. You can’t stay, not as long as Arbois is here.”
The look of shock and pain on his face nearly breaks me in two. “Darien, you’re not actually going to marry him, are you? You can’t just give in without putting up a fight!”
“I have to give in, whether I like it or not. I hate him, and I would a million times rather be with you.” The ache in my chest swells into a throbbing pain, like I’ve been stabbed in the heart. “But I have to do what’s right for Soeria, and that means I have to do what Arbois says.”
I reach out to cup his face, intending to reassure him—if I even can right now—but he jumps up from the bed and walks a few feet away from me. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this!” he exclaims. “How can you even consider letting that … that murderous snake get what he wants?”
I get up, walk over to him, and gently wrap my arms around him, trying my hardest to stay strong, to not collapse in a pile onto the floor. “Trust me, I don’t want to,” I say quietly. “You know better than anyone that I never wanted to marry someone who only cared about my title. But I don’t have a choice.”
“You do have a choice,” he says. He turns around to face me, tears running down his cheeks. “You don’t have to marry someone who doesn’t love or respect you.” His voice drops until it’s barely above a whisper. “You can marry me .”
I want so badly to say yes, to throw away this burden of kingship that’s been crushing me under its weight ever since it was placed on my shoulders, and just do what makes me happy. I want to tell Tag that I’m his, and he’s mine, and that we’ll be together for the rest of our lives. I want that more than anything in the world.
Which is why saying no to him is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. “I can’t,” I whisper. “If it was up to me, I’d marry you this second. I love you, and I would gladly spend the rest of my life with you.” A sensation of cold darkness flows through me, as though I’ve just been locked in the deepest prison cell, as though the door to a happy future has been slammed shut and the key thrown away. “But I can’t have innocent blood on my hands because I wasn’t willing to do what needed to be done. If he really is willing to start a war, to put thousands of Soerians in danger…” The very thought makes my stomach turn. “I won’t let my people die because I chose the easy way out.”
Tag lets out a strangled sob and sways slightly on his feet. “But… But… Even if you do marry him, that doesn’t mean you and I can’t still be together! If all he wants is to control the army, why should he care if you and I are still together unofficially? You wouldn’t be the first monarch to take a lover.” His voice lowers until I can barely hear it, even though we’re separated by mere inches. “You don’t have to do this, Darien. Please, don’t do this to me. We can figure out a way. I know we can.” He says it like it’s the most reasonable thing in the world.
When I respond, it feels like the words are being ripped out of me, leaving little holes in my chest. “Don’t you get it, Tag? As long as you’re in the palace, your life is in danger . He’s already tried to have you killed once, and I don’t think he’d hesitate to try again! If anything happened to you because of me…” The prospect is too horrific to voice aloud. “I can’t let that happen to you, Tag. I just can’t .”
He leans forward, his forehead touching mine. “Please don’t do this to me, Darien,” he whispers. “There has to be a way we can be together. There has to be!” His cheeks are wet, and I can feel tears still running down his face. “Please, Darien. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Tag. Never forget that.” It takes everything I have and more to make myself say the next words. “But you have to leave. As long as Arbois is here, you’re in danger.”
He stares at me for a few seconds, like he can’t quite comprehend what just happened. Then he says, “I understand,” his voice leaden. He kisses me one last time, his warm lips pressing against mine for an instant that’s far too short. “Goodbye, Darien.”
He turns to go without waiting for a response, his head down and his shoulders slumped, the very picture of defeat, and exits without looking back. The sound of the door latch clicking shut drives it home to me that I’ll never see him again, and without warning my legs turn to jelly. I stumble to my bed and collapse on it, my head in my hands, letting my tears flow freely once again.