Chapter 16
ADAN
The Sigma Chi house was packed wall to wall with college kids in various states of costume creativity and intoxication.
Music pounded from speakers that had definitely seen better days, and the air was thick with the smell of cheap beer and whatever someone had been smoking on the back porch.
Ugh, I detested that smell. I’d never smoked, but I honestly couldn’t figure out why people want to do pot. The smell alone made me nauseous.
“This is fucking epic!” Tank shouted over the noise, adjusting the fake sword attached to his pirate costume. “I love Halloween!”
I tugged at my vampire cape, already regretting the costume choice. I’d wanted something easy and above all cheap, since I didn’t have money to waste on shit like this, but now the cape kept getting caught on people and furniture.
“Rivera! Looking good, man!” Connor appeared through the crowd, dressed as a zombie hockey player, complete with fake blood streaked across a tattered Millard jersey. “Very mysterious and brooding. Perfect for you.”
“Thanks. I think.”
The team had been talking about this party for weeks. Sigma Chi threw legendary Halloween parties, and after our recent wins—especially with NHL scouts starting to take notice—everyone was in the mood to celebrate.
I should’ve been having fun. The music was decent, the beer was free, and half the campus seemed to be here.
My teammates were in great moods, still riding high from beating Syracuse and the buzz around McLaughlin’s visit.
Hell, we were undefeated in the season so far.
Everything about the night should’ve been perfect.
Instead, I felt like I was going through the motions, present in body but not really engaged. I found myself checking my phone more than talking to people, scanning the crowd without really seeing it, counting down time instead of enjoying the moment.
“Adan?”
I turned to find a familiar face approaching through the crowd, and my stomach did a complicated flip. Ellie Paquette was making her way toward me with the kind of confident smile that had first caught my attention at a party like this one back in May.
She was dressed as some kind of sexy witch, all black dress and dramatic make-up that made her green eyes look even more striking than usual. We’d hooked up a few times last year before summer break, and I hadn’t seen her since.
“Hey,” she said, sidling up next to me with the kind of casual intimacy that suggested she was picking up exactly where we’d left off. “I was hoping you’d be here tonight.”
“Hey, Ellie. You look great.”
“Thanks. I love the vampire thing—very sexy and dangerous.” She stepped closer, close enough that I could smell her perfume over the party chaos. “I’ve been thinking about you lately.”
“Yeah?”
“Mm. Wondering why you disappeared on me. We were having fun last year, weren’t we?”
Alarm bells were going off. “We did, but this season got busy. Lots of training and games.”
“Well, it’s paying off. I heard there were NHL scouts at your last game.” She traced a finger along the edge of my cape, the gesture clearly meant to be flirtatious. “That’s so exciting.”
“It was pretty cool.”
I was trying to engage, trying to feel the same attraction that had drawn me to her before, but something was off. She was as beautiful as I remembered, and confident and fun, but looking at her didn’t trigger any of the physical responses I expected.
“You want to get some air?” she asked, leaning closer so her lips were nearly touching my ear. “It’s really crowded in here.”
Getting air with Ellie was code for making out on the back porch before heading back to her dorm room. A few months ago, I would have jumped at the invitation. Now, the idea left me completely cold.
“Maybe in a bit,” I said. “I should find my teammates first.”
“They’ll survive without you for a few minutes.” Her hand found my arm, squeezing gently. “Come on, I missed you.”
There was no mistaking the invitation. Ellie was making it clear that she wanted to pick up where we’d left off, that she was interested in more than just conversation. And objectively, I could appreciate that she was attractive, fun, available.
I felt absolutely nothing.
“Ellie,” I started, then stopped, not sure how to explain what I was feeling. Or wasn’t feeling.
“What’s wrong? You seem different tonight.”
“I’m just… I think I’m seeing someone.”
The words came out before I’d consciously decided to say them, surprising both of us. But as soon as I’d spoken, I realized they were true. Not officially, not in any way that made sense to the outside world, but true nonetheless.
“Oh.” Her face fell slightly, then recovered with practiced grace. “Anyone I know?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Serious?”
I thought about Nils, about the way I’d felt watching him coach me back to form, about the relief I’d experienced when we’d figured out how to work together again.
About the way my chest tightened every time I looked at him, the way I’d rather spend time talking to him than partying with my teammates.
“It has the potential to be.”
“Well, shit. Lucky girl.”
If only she knew, but I saw no reason to correct her. The fewer people knew, the better.
“I should probably find my friends,” I said, feeling guilty about the disappointment in her expression.
“Of course. Maybe I’ll see you around campus.”
“Definitely. Have fun tonight.”
As Ellie disappeared back into the crowd, I stood there processing what had happened. She was exactly the type of person I usually found attractive: beautiful, confident, clearly interested. Six months ago, I would’ve been making out with her on the back porch by now.
Instead, all I could think about was Nils.
The way he looked when he was concentrating on something, the careful way he explained technique, the rare moments when his composed facade dropped and I could see the person underneath.
The way it felt when he kissed me, like everything else in the world stopped mattering.
I pulled out my phone and sent a quick text to Tank:
Me
Heading out early. See you tomorrow.
His response came back immediately.
Tank
You okay? Want me to come with?
Me
I’m good. Just tired. Have fun.
The lie came easily, but it wasn’t entirely false. I was tired. Tired of pretending I could go back to the way things were before, tired of trying to feel something for people who weren’t Nils, tired of fighting against what I actually wanted.
The drive to Nils’s apartment complex took fifteen minutes, during which I went through several possible scenarios for when I got there. I wasn’t looking for anything specific, wasn’t expecting him to suddenly decide that our situation was simple or that professional boundaries didn’t matter.
I just needed him to know. Needed to be honest about what I was feeling, even if nothing could come of it.
The parking lot was mostly empty, and most of the windows in the building were dark. It was past eleven on a Sunday night, and normal people were probably getting ready for bed, preparing for Monday-morning responsibilities.
But I’d never been particularly good at being normal.
I climbed the stairs to the second floor and knocked on Nils’s door, suddenly aware that I was still wearing the vampire costume. Cape, fake fangs I’d forgotten to take out, pale make-up that probably looked ridiculous under the hallway lighting.
A pause, then the sound of locks being undone. The door opened to reveal Nils in sweatpants and a T-shirt, hair messed up like he’d been lying down, expression at first concerned, but then he grinned. “Nice costume.”
“Halloween party. Obviously.”
“Obviously. Come in.”
I followed him into the living room, suddenly feeling ridiculous in the cape and make-up. I quickly took out the fangs and untied the cape. Not much I could do about the make-up. “Sorry for showing up so late. I know it’s a school night.”
“It’s fine. Are you sure everything is okay? You seem…” He studied my face more carefully. “Different.”
“I need to tell you something.”
Something in my tone must’ve alerted him to the seriousness of the conversation, because he gestured for me to sit down and took the chair across from me instead of the couch.
“What is it?”
“I was at this party tonight. Sigma Chi, the whole team was there. Halloween thing.”
“Okay.”
“And I ran into this girl I used to hook up with. Ellie. She made it pretty clear she was interested in picking up where we left off.”
Nils’s expression became carefully neutral, the way it did when he was trying not to react to something. “I see.”
“She’s beautiful. Smart, funny, exactly the type of person I’ve always been attracted to. Six months ago, I would’ve been all over that opportunity.”
“But you weren’t.”
“No, I wasn’t. Because all I could think about was you.”
The words hung in the air between us, more honest than anything I’d ever said to another person.
Nils went very still, his eyes searching my face like he was trying to determine if I was serious. “Adan—”
“I’m not telling you this because I expect anything from you,” I said quickly, before he could start listing all the reasons why this was complicated. “I know the situation we’re in. I know about professional boundaries and consequences and all of that.”
“Then why are you telling me?”
“Because I needed you to know that this isn’t about physical attraction for me anymore. It’s not some experiment or curiosity or whatever I thought it was at first.”
“What is it then?”
I took a deep breath, trying to find words for feelings I was still figuring out myself. “It’s that I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want to hook up with girls at parties or date other people or pretend that what I feel for you is something I can get over that easily.”
“Adan…”
“I’m not asking you to do anything about it. I’m not asking you to risk your job or compromise your ethics or figure out how to make this work. But I needed you to know that when I think about being with someone, the only person I want is you.”
Nils was quiet for a long moment, and I could see him processing what I’d said, trying to figure out how to respond to that level of honesty. “You’re twenty years old. You’ve barely had time to figure out what you want from life, let alone from a relationship.”
“First of all, I’m turning twenty-one in four weeks, but more importantly, I know what I feel when I’m with you, and I don’t feel that with anyone else.”
“Feelings can change. Especially at your age.”
That could’ve easily come across as condescending, but it didn’t. Somehow, his honesty shone through.
“They can. But mine haven’t. If anything, they’ve gotten stronger.”
He was quiet again, studying my face in the dim light from the single lamp he’d turned on. I could see him struggling with something, weighing options or consequences or feelings he didn’t want to acknowledge. “Why tonight? What made you decide to tell me this now?”
“Because I realized I was lying to myself about what this was. And if I was lying to myself, I was probably lying to you too.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I’ve been acting like this was attraction, physical chemistry that we needed to manage. But sitting at that party tonight, having a beautiful woman flirt with me and feeling absolutely nothing, I realized this is something else entirely.”
“Something else like what?”
The question was quiet, careful, like he was afraid of the answer.
“Like I’m falling for you,” I said simply. “Like this isn’t about wanting to kiss you or be close to you physically. It’s about wanting to know everything about you, wanting to be the person you talk to when you’re having a bad day, wanting to build something real with you.”
Nils closed his eyes briefly, like my words were causing him physical pain. “That’s exactly what I was afraid you were going to say.”
“Why afraid?”
“Because it makes this so much more complicated than physical attraction. Because feelings like that don’t go away when the situation becomes inconvenient.”
“No, they don’t.”
“And because I care about you too much to want to hurt you, but I don’t see how this ends without someone getting hurt.”
“Maybe someone does get hurt. Maybe this is messy and complicated and doesn’t have a clean solution. But that doesn’t make it less real.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
We sat in silence for a moment, both of us processing the weight of what had been said. I’d put everything on the table—my feelings, my honesty, my complete vulnerability—without asking for anything in return except that he know the truth.
“What happens now?” he asked eventually.
“Nothing has to happen. Like I said, I’m not expecting anything from you, but I needed you to know where I stand.”
“And where do you stand?”
“I stand with wanting you, caring about you, and being willing to figure out how to make this work if you ever decide you want to try.”
“And if I don’t? If I decide that the risks are too great?”
“Then I’ll respect that. But I won’t pretend I don’t feel what I feel.”
He nodded slowly, like he was accepting the terms of an agreement neither of us had explicitly made. “Thank you. For being honest with me. For trusting me with this.”
I stood up, suddenly aware of how ridiculous I must look in the vampire costume, having this serious conversation while wearing this stupid make-up. “I should go. Let you get some sleep.”
“Adan.”
I paused at the door. “Yeah?”
“What you said tonight… it means more to me than you know.”
“Good. Because I meant every word.”
As I drove home through the quiet Buffalo streets, I felt lighter than I had in weeks. Not because anything had been resolved or decided, but because I’d been completely honest about what I was feeling.
I wanted Nils. All of him, not merely the coaching or the stolen moments or the careful friendship we’d been building. I wanted the chance to see what we could be together if we weren’t constantly fighting against it.
And now he knew. Whatever happened next, at least we were both operating from a place of complete honesty about what was at stake.
That felt like progress, even if it didn’t feel like a solution.
But for tonight, it was enough.