Chapter 24 #2
Her heart stuttered, and even with the silencing rune, she kept her voice low. “He’s going to be even more upset with me if he finds out I’m breathing a word about this to you, but I need your help.”
“With what?”
Aimilia took a deep breath and locked eyes with her oldest friend. “Gavril, I watched your father break a glass against Nikias’ skull and choke him because he dared to say the word ‘no’ to him.”
Gavril’s face lost all color, and he looked over his shoulder but they were alone. “He—He’s strong enough to do that still? I thought—wait, he did it in front of you?”
Aimilia shook her head. “I was watching from the secret passageway. It might actually be my fault he was strong enough to do so since I’d been summoned to make my vitae-refreshing tea. But that’s not the point!”
“Aimilia—”
She jabbed her finger into Gavril’s chest. “The point is I know now, and I also know that you knew, and for years you let me believe that was only happening to you!”
Gavril shifted back, eyes darting, ready to run like every other time she’d tried bringing it up, but she wasn’t letting it go this time.
“You never asked, and it wasn’t my secret to tell.”
Aimilia scoffed. “You let me hate him because I thought it wasn’t happening to him while he let it happen to you.”
“That was the reason you hated him?” Gavril’s eyes widened before he shook his head and sighed. “I’m sorry, but this isn’t the kind of thing you tell people. I especially wasn’t going to tell you about Nikias. That was his secret to tell.”
How could he still be defending this? Didn’t he see? Gavril had had Aimilia to lean on for years while trying to survive it.
Who had Nikias had?
“He was never going to tell if he had his way.” Aimilia glanced over Gavril’s shoulder just to be sure no one had noticed their departure. She turned back to him. “Did you know he never told Faustina?”
Gavril’s brow furrowed. “Wait, really? Never?”
“That’s what he said.”
Gavril let out a low whistle. “No wonder Nikias is avoiding you.”
Aimilia shot him a pointed smirk. “And that’s where you come in.”
“What?”
“You’re going to help me. I understand this isn’t something he wants to talk about, but he knows I saw.
Oh, and he also knows that if I saw all of that, I also heard your father telling him that until he makes good on their deal you and Marcella won’t be allowed back in Areator.
Thanks for keeping that secret as well.”
“If I’d known when Nikias made that deal he was going to propose to you, I would have put a stop to it then.
” Gavril sighed. “I didn’t tell you afterwards that was why Nikias decided to propose because I didn’t want you to accept in order to ensure Marcella and I stayed around.
Your happiness is more important than that to us.
We will be just as happy even if we have to live with Konstantin and Hypatia. ”
But then why didn’t Nikias tell her? It would have been the best way to convince her—
“When you marry me, it will be because you want to.”
“But why is he avoiding me now? If anything, this is his best opportunity to make his case again. I realize now the majority of my hatred of him was built on a lie, or an assumption. I know about the deal and would do anything to ensure you and Marcella can stay.”
He’d known the consequences of defying his father’s command he marry someone else, and he’d done it anyway.
“Aimilia, you saw it. You only ever saw the aftermath of it with me. If anyone had ever seen it—” Gavril shook his head, his voice cracking. “Just thinking about if Marcella had ever seen it? I would have—I don’t know what I would have done. But it wouldn’t have been good.”
Aimilia stared at the dirt and ran her fingertip over the cool gold ring.
“My advice? Let Nikias draw back. It means you no longer have to fend him off and keep rejecting him. This doesn’t change your answer anyway.”
At Aimilia’s silence, Gavril leaned forward, ducking his head until he caught her gaze. When she looked up at him, his voice was firm and his green eyes burned. “Tell me this doesn’t change your answer.”
Aimilia looked back at the tents in the camp. She curled her hand into a fist and pressed the ring to her chest.
“Of course it doesn’t.”
“Don’t mess this up. I’m not going to be anyone’s second choice. If you want to keep her, tell her the truth.”
Aimilia left Gavril and Marcella in the library with her parting advice to the man she loved. Each step that carried her farther away from them was another step where everything she’d been pushing down since she’d come back into the room to see Gavril kissing Marcella came rising back up.
Why did it hurt so much?
She’d known. She’d known Gavril didn’t love her. He’d made it abundantly clear since he’d returned with his new wife that his affections belonged entirely to Marcella.
Aimilia reached up and brushed her fingers over her heart, but it wasn’t the kind of pain she could soothe physically.
Knowing that in her head, however, wasn’t quite reaching her heart.
Her heart was still crying out, the pieces of it fracturing further now that she’d seen the evidence for herself once again.
The marble hallways blurred as water flooded her vision, and Aimilia cursed in her head. She took a deep breath and tried to blink them away, but they wouldn’t disappear.
She hated this.
How many times had she cried over the last year? How pathetic was it that she’d lost count?
She was a Runai. A skilled commander who had been first in her class.
She was supposed to be better than this.
Then again, if she’d been better, maybe Gavril would have chosen her.
Aimilia managed to make it to a familiar little alcove, curling into the corner and climbing onto the bench.
Her vision was too blurry to see her trembling hands clearly, but her silencing rune went up first so no one could hear the first sob that fell from her lips.
Then her illusion was next, so no one passing by would see her in such a pathetic state.
She wouldn’t make the same mistake as last time.
Aimilia buried her head into her knees and let out the flood she’d been damming up.
It was over.
It had been over between her and Gavril for a long time, but now there was a reality to it all.
Because Marcella had kissed him back.
And it had been easier when she’d hated the girl, but Aimilia couldn’t pretend she still did to soothe her own ego. Aimilia couldn’t hate her. She hadn’t asked for any of this. She hadn’t deserved any of this. How could Aimilia hate her for loving Gavril? Of course she loved him.
How could any woman not fall in love with him with the way he loved?
Aimilia had fallen for him even when he’d never shown her such affection.
She could not go on loving him this way, but Aimilia loved him the way she breathed. Her love for Gavril had been part of her so long, she did not know how to live without it. It was instinctual.
Where was she to even begin carving that love out of herself?
What if she never could?
What if she was condemned for the rest of her life to love him in agonizing silence, trying to smile and feel more happiness for him than heartbreak for herself?
Footsteps sounded, but Aimilia didn’t care. Her runes would keep her from being discovered, and they would pass on by.
Only… they didn’t.
Aimilia looked up from her tearstained cloak right as Nikias took a seat on the alcove’s bench. His injured arm was in its sling, tucked to his chest. She held her breath, even though there was no point with the rune hovering around her.
What was he doing there?
She was tempted to reveal herself by kicking him in the thigh.
The reason she’d even seen Marcella and Gavril kiss was because she’d gone to get him so she and Gavril could reveal Gavril’s feat in being able to learn how to cast with one hand.
She’d brought him to the library and they’d both stumbled upon the scene.
Afterwards, she’d been able to forget about her heart being scattered across the library floor because of Nikias’ refusal to believe them or even let them attempt to show him their work.
There’d been no reasoning with him. Aimilia didn’t know why they’d even tried.
Aimilia stayed perfectly still.
Maybe he’d get up and leave.
Nikias watched the empty hallway, not bothering to even look out the window behind them.
She had nothing else to do but observe him. It was so strange seeing him in white and red again after so long all he’d donned was black. She still didn’t fully understand what exactly had changed in him to abandon the mourning clothes he’d sworn he would wear for the rest of his life.
After a few minutes, Nikias shifted, stretching his legs out slightly and softly saying, “How long do you want to just keep staring at me, Commander?”
Aimilia banished her runes. “How did you know I was here?”
Nikias moved now that he could see her, putting his good hand on the stone of the bench. “I found you here before. It was a lucky guess.”
Aimilia’s breath caught at the reminder of the last time they’d been in this alcove, Aimilia crying over Gavril. If only she’d known then what she would be in for when Gavril returned from his mission…
Aimilia reached up, taking a shuddering breath and using her cloak to wipe at her eyes. “Congratulations. Now can you please go away? I’ve seen enough of your face today and I have nothing left to say to you.”
“I’m afraid I have no intention of going anywhere.” Nikias drew one leg up on the bench so he could face her. He grimaced when the movement jostled his bad arm. “Might I propose a truce? Set everything else aside for right now and just…”
Aimilia blinked at him. “And just what? We’re not friends.”
Nikias sighed. “At the risk of incurring your anger, Aimilia, the only friend you’ve ever truly had is the reason you’re crying right now.”
He had her there.
“So… truce?” Nikias asked, and there was something almost soft in his eyes.
Which made no sense.
Any softness Nikias possessed had been buried along with his wife.
“I’m still angry at you.”
“I know.” Nikias’ hand brushed the edge of her cloak, pooling on the stone bench in the gap between them. “I’m sorry.”
Aimilia’s eyes nearly fell out of her skull. Who was this man and where was the real Nikias?
She stayed silent and Nikias continued, “He should be more considerate to you after everything you’ve done for him.”
Her eyes welled up again. “He’s in love. You know better than anyone else how that blinds you to everything and everyone else.”
“How many times does he have to break your heart before you stop making excuses for him?” Nikias’ firm voice cut through the air. “He may have all the best intentions in the world. That doesn’t mean he hasn’t hurt you.”
Aimilia squeezed her eyes shut, trying to trap the water threatening to spill over. “You are the last person in any position to cast any judgment.”
“This isn’t about me. You don’t have to defend him.”
“What else am I supposed to do?” Aimilia choked on a sob before she managed to get out, “I love him. He married someone else, and I still love him.”
Nikias’ hand brushing her leg had her opening her eyes even as the tears spilled over. “Still?”
Aimilia nodded, unable to say it again as she cried. Her hand sank into her cloak over her heart as she took a few stuttering breaths. “That—That’s why it hurts so much.”
Another sob wracked her body, and she curled into herself again when suddenly she was being moved. She gasped as she came crashing into something warm and solid. Her hands fumbled and she found more fabric as she couldn’t stop her crying.
Nikias was—
What was he doing?
His good arm tightened around her.
Aimilia should push him away or hit his bad arm to ensure her escape, but instead she let him hold her against his chest. She let out a few ugly, hiccupping sobs.
“I wish—Nikias, I wish I didn’t. But I do.
I don’t want to keep loving him. I’ve loved him for so long, I don’t know how not to. N—Nikias, how can I bear it?”
Somehow Nikias pulled her closer. He rested his head against hers. He murmured, “It won’t always hurt like this, I promise.”
She let out another wretched sob. Like he could talk. She was asking the wrong person for advice on how not to spend the rest of her life in agony, loving someone who was forever lost. But at least Nikias had had a time when his feelings had been returned.
“I know it doesn’t seem like it.” Nikias’ soft voice was barely audible above her cries.
“But it will. There will be hard days, I won’t lie to you.
But little by little until you haven’t even realized it’s been fading, it will.
One day, you’ll look at the world around you, and you’ll finally see past all the grief you’ve left behind.
Then the grief you still carry doesn’t seem so heavy anymore. I promise you; this is not the end.”
“I don’t—” Aimilia buried her head in his neck. “If I don’t have Gavril, I don’t have anything left.”
Nikias’ hand shifted and she gasped as he softly rubbed tiny circles on her side. “That’s not true.”
“Really?” Aimilia laughed, but it was weak and she hardly moved. “What do I have left?”
Nikias’ lips shifted, and there was a soft breath and whatever it might have meant was gone as nothing came out. Instead, he held her tighter in the condemning silence. Nikias didn’t even bother with whatever platitude or lie that he’d been about to give.
Aimilia had no more strength left. She leaned against him, closing her eyes and feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest beneath her cheek.
“Exactly,” she whispered. Her palm flattened against him. She breathed out, “The second I get up, this never happened.”
Nikias didn’t respond immediately. For a moment, all she heard was his breathing, and then a hoarse, “I’d expect nothing less.”
Aimilia didn’t actually get up. All she knew was that she’d woken up the next morning in her bed.
She didn’t know why Nikias would have ever sought her out like that.
Why he would care about her broken heart.
Other than this was part of his grand scheme to grovel for Gavril’s forgiveness, but Gavril wasn’t going to find out.
What did Nikias care about Aimilia’s opinion of him?