Chapter 37
AIMILIA
Aimilia couldn’t fault the guard, considering how frequently Nikias had used it before, and how open he’d been in his pursuit of her now. But she wasn’t the one he was calling for.
The one he was calling for was out of reach.
So Aimilia knelt at his side and said, “Nikias, are you awake? It’s Aimilia.”
Nikias’ eyes began to fully open. There wasn’t much light in the tent, but she could see when his gaze landed on her. It began to clear, but the haze wasn’t entirely gone, as he breathed out, “Amata.”
That blood loss had really done a number on him. Or maybe a rock had hit his head she didn’t know about. He was looking at her and seeing someone else entirely. He had to be.
Aimilia brushed a hand over his shoulder and said, “Nikias, what do you remember last?”
Nikias reached forward and cupped her cheek. His other hand found her arm and he ran his palm over the bandages wrapping the scratches Aimilia had accumulated earlier. He said, “I remember… the landslide. You. I remember all I saw was you.”
Aimilia looked back over her shoulder; maybe she should call for one of the healers. How could he be talking like he thought she was both Faustina and Aimilia?
If the healers hadn’t even looked at his head for a head injury—
Before she could open her mouth, he was gently tugging on her. “Were you injured?”
“Just a few scratches. You got the worst of it.”
She reached up and wrapped her hand around his wrist as her throat closed. He’d been so focused on protecting her, he hadn’t even thought to protect himself.
He smiled. “Good. If anything had happened to you…”
Aimilia started to pull back, ready to go get the healer, mostly because she wasn’t entirely certain Nikias did fully understand she was Aimilia and not Faustina.
If he had head trauma, it was an easy mistake to make, especially considering they’d been talking about her before everything had happened.
But as she started to pull away, Nikias’ grip tightened. He pulled her down, surprisingly strong given the state he was in. “Stay. I’ll only believe you’re alright if you’re here with me.”
Aimilia was too startled to resist as he wrapped her in his arms. He pulled Aimilia’s head into his shoulder as he crushed her to himself, not even seeming to care about his injuries.
Aimilia caught herself on his arm, fingertips brushing the bandages there.
The blanket had slipped, falling under his arms and resting across his chest partially.
Aimilia couldn’t see much given her position and the light.
Nikias’ tight grip didn’t allow for her to go much of anywhere.
Of course, she had replenished her vitae, so if she really wanted to leave, he couldn’t exactly force her.
“You need a healer. Your head—”
Nikias cut her off. “I need you.”
Her breath caught in her throat. He had to be confused. “Nikias—”
“Please, stay here in my arms where I know you’re safe. That’s what I need, you safe and here with me.”
It wasn’t the first time he’d confused her for Faustina. But this time it clawed into her in a way it hadn’t before. It hadn’t bothered her before, when he at first confused her for Faustina after Hypatia had tortured him. But now?
As he held her in his arms., all she wanted was for him to see her.
He’d been clear enough before. He wanted Aimilia. He didn’t need her.
There was only one woman in the world Nikias could ever need, and it would never be Aimilia.
But she stayed. His hand shifted, slowly moving up and down her back as he held her. Considering he’d saved her life, she supposed the least she could do was let him believe this dream was real, no matter how much it broke Aimilia’s heart.
Which it shouldn’t. Her heart should be completely and totally unaffected by the fact that Nikias was only saying this because he thought she was Faustina.
Nikias rested his head against hers, eyes fluttering shut again. As he did so he murmured, “Will you…”
But Nikias didn’t finish the sentence. However, his hand was still moving across her back, so she knew he hadn’t fallen asleep. Aimilia looked up at him. “Will I what?”
Nikias’ cheeks flushed pink, and he didn’t say anything. But then she felt his fingers find the end of her braid, and they started gently twisting the hair at the end of it.
Aimilia reached up and gently began to run her fingers through his hair, being careful to painlessly work out any of the knots she found.
So he had been awake before, at least enough to notice what Aimilia had been doing.
It was almost enough to make her blush that she had been caught.
But she felt Nikias curl in even tighter, shifting his head to hide his expression from her completely.
Aimilia was struck. Was that why he thought she was Faustina? Because that was the only person who had ever shown him any kind of tender affection like this? So much so that he couldn’t even bring himself to ask for it? Certainly, he hadn’t received it from his parents.
His grip on her tightened as she gently dragged her fingers across his scalp.
Aimilia didn’t know what she would do if Nikias woke up and realized it had been her and not a dream.
If he couldn’t even bring himself to ask for something as simple and innocently affectionate as this, even when he thought she was his beloved wife, how humiliated would he be when he woke up and realized it was her?
He certainly would never ask this of her. Probably because he knew what the answer would be.
Although, maybe that wasn’t a given, considering how easily she had acquiesced. The fact that she had done it of her own volition mere hours before… Would this be what it would be like to be married to Nikias?
Always living with Faustina’s ghost? Any affection there might be, overshadowed by what Nikias had lost? Someone who wanted her, but didn’t really need her. Was it enough to be wanted?
If this was what it was like to be wanted…
Aimilia didn’t know. She was resolved to pull away once Nikias was fast asleep, to save them both the embarrassment that would happen when he woke up and realized who it was that he was holding, not to mention to spare them the scandal the gossiping guards would create if Aimilia stayed all night.
They would be able to pretend it had never happened.
Nikias would be spared any embarrassment, and Aimilia could forget what it was like to hold him so tenderly.
But that moment didn’t come. Aimilia couldn’t drag herself out of his arms.
She didn’t know exactly how long she’d been asleep, only that it was sometime later in the night, when Nikias shifted beneath her and she heard a sharp, panicked breath.
Then the hum of vitae filled the air. Aimilia lifted her head from Nikias’ shoulder and blinked as the vitae blinding her faded.
She sat up to see Nikias had pulled out from under her; he had one hand grabbing the blanket between them that had fallen to his waist, exposing his torso.
Most of his torso was hidden beneath the bandages wrapped around his side from the wound he’d acquired earlier.
Aimilia blinked in the darkness. The strange thing was, she couldn’t make out any scars.
Nikias cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
Heat flooded her cheeks at having been caught openly staring at his torso as he shifted the blanket up.
Aimilia sat back and said, “I… I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I… Well, it doesn’t really matter now.”
“I’m glad you were here.”
Aimilia could feel where he was going, about to ask why exactly she was there, so she blurted out, “Where are your scars?”
Nikias’ eyes widened as he lifted the blanket even higher to his chest. His voice darkened. “What are you talking about?”
Aimilia shifted back. “I just mean… I assumed… Hypatia. I assumed there were scars.”
Nikias took a deep breath. “Oh. Well, as you can see, no scars.”
“Then what did she do to you?”
“Like many things, it’s better left in the past. It has no bearing on the future now.”
Aimilia didn’t really understand what he meant, but she supposed the situation was already painful and awkward enough. Better to go before any more damage was done.
“Well, I should let you get some actual rest, and not keep crushing you.”
“I don’t mind, really.” Nikias’ eyes darted down and his grip on the blanket tightened. His voice softened. “Must I ask?”
Aimilia didn’t really know what to do with the fact that even though he clearly knew it was her now he was still asking her to stay.
So she stayed.
When she didn’t move, Nikias shifted closer and asked, “What happened?”
Aimilia gave him a quick rundown of the facts, making camp where they were and finding a Stonai as well as the fact that she sent word to Hypatia and Konstantin about the attack.
Nikias said, “We can’t afford to wait for Hypatia and Konstantin to arrive. We’ll have to take the mage with us to your estate.”
Aimilia nodded. “Yes, but then we still have the problem of no one in our entourage knowing his language and I highly doubt anyone at the estate will know it either, so we won’t be able to interrogate him until Hypatia and Konstantin arrive.
All we can do is keep him alive. Unless you want to have some of our guards take him back to Desero. ”
“No. With how many got away, I’m not risking them managing to rescue him or coming after us again if we’re split. We need our guards with us. We’ll keep him until they’re able to catch up.”
They fell into silence for a moment. But now that she had him awake and cognizant, she had to say… “Thank you.”
Nikias blinked at her for a moment and then stumbled over, “What for?”
“You saved my life. Several times, actually.” Aimilia smiled and held up her hand, twisting the ring on it. “I’m not always completely ungrateful to you.”
Nikias said, “I never said you were.”
Aimilia raised an eyebrow.
Nikias amended, “Recently, I mean.”
“Still, if it hadn’t been for you, I don’t expect I would have survived.”
Nikias shook his head. “No thanks is necessary. I know you’re a capable commander. But I could not help myself. I could not bear even the thought of anything happening to you, so I couldn’t let anything happen to you. That’s all it was. Losing you…”
Now Aimilia was even more confused.
Weren’t these the things he’d been saying to her when he thought she was Faustina?
He couldn’t truly be echoing the same sentiments to Aimilia. The words fell out before she could stop them.
“Nikias, I’m not yours to lose.”
Nikias closed his eyes, his brow furrowing. “I know. Believe me, I know.”
Aimilia winced. That had come out more cruelly than she’d meant it to. She’d meant quite a few of the cruel things she’d said to him over the years, but that one she hadn’t. Maybe he’d deserved some of them in the past, but that hadn’t made them any less cruel.
“Maybe you can help me understand something. Why would you even want me to be yours to lose? All those little logical reasons you gave me when you proposed, they don’t account for this. Not even your ego is big enough to account for all of this.”
Nikias shifted, brushing his hand across his chest briefly. “I want to ask you if you remember, but I know you do. I don’t think either of us could ever forget that morning when Gavril issued a challenge to me for what I’d done to Marcella.”
Aimilia’s breath caught in her throat. “And? I already told you I was trying to save Gavril.”
Nikias nodded. “I know that now, but at the time… Let me say this. You knew that when I accepted that challenge, I wasn’t going to fight back.
After you came and told me that Gavril was going to run away, I knew what needed to be done.
In order to keep Gavril in Areator, I would have to stop him from leaving, and in order to stop him from leaving, I would have to pay with my life for what I’d done. ”
Aimilia hadn’t realized that. She’d gone and yelled at Nikias, revealing Gavril’s plan in a desperate attempt to keep him in Areator so as not to lose him, even as her friend, if she could not have him as a husband.
“I went into that challenge ready to die.”
Aimilia had suspected so, but she held her breath anyway, hearing him admit it.
“And it’s with great shame I admit there was part of me that wanted to. I had little interest in living now that I had knew how hollow I still was after getting the revenge I’d been trying to chase, or even just the facsimile of it.”
Aimilia started to reach out, but then quickly pulled her hand back. Nikias’ eyes snapped down toward the motion.
He then reached out and took her hand, running his thumb over her palm.
He said, “When Marcella came out and begged Gavril to spare me, I couldn’t comprehend it.
That wasn’t what I’d wanted. That wasn’t what I had accepted would be my fate.
But then I saw you and I put it together.
It had been your doing. I know now the truth of your motive, but at the time, I thought it was because you cared about my life.
In spite of everything I’d done, I’d believed you wanted me to live.
That was enough to make me want to live again. ”
Aimilia stared at him. “And everything that came after?”
Nikias said, “I did all of it because I thought you had given me a second chance at life, so I was going to start fixing the mess I’d made.
Of course, change doesn’t happen overnight.
And I still wasn’t completely impartial when it came to anything regarding the Desero demon.
So I will admit, I did not make the wisest of decisions.
But it wasn’t some elaborate trick. It wasn’t a scheme.
I meant it. You made me want to live again.
Aimilia, you’re the only reason I’m alive right now. ”
Now things were starting to make a little more sense. But…
Aimilia shook her head and whispered, “I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that.”
Nikias’ grip tightened. “I’m not saying that’s your responsibility. You don’t have to worry about my will to live; that’s for me to carry. I just need you to know you helped me find it again. You wanted to know why, that… that’s why.”
He wanted to marry her because she meant something to him. To him she looked like a second chance.
No matter what he said, Aimilia didn’t know she was strong enough to live up to that. She didn’t know if she wanted to. She really didn’t know what to do with any of this. If this wasn’t about his ego, or logical choice, or even just that he’d known her for so long…
Aimilia was starting to run out of reasons to truly say no.